EX taking break up badly

LegacyUser

I ended my five and a half year relationship about a month ago, it was not easy..horrible actually but I knew I had to, although I still love him my feelings for him had changed and I felt I needed to be on my own for now. .. maybe that is a stupid reason, but we had been together since I was 20 but now I feel I need to figure out who I am and what I want and want to stand on my own two feet for a bit.

He is not taking the break up well, he is drinking a lot almost everynight, we have stayed in contact (although at first he told me he did not want to stay in touch with me).

I am really worried, I don't know if I am supposed to do anything... I know he gets depressed and I am worried... then again maybe this is just how some people react to break ups...I am not sure ...

Should I be worried? What should I do? I feel like a monster, any advice?

Tartopher

OP it sounds exactly like a situation I was in not so long ago and I know how tough it is when someone you care for deeply is in such a bad way and you always blame yourself for the situation.
But you have to remember that it wouldn't have been fair to keep up a relationship that had run its course (at least for the time being anyway). It's better that it end now than later.
I think you have to be selfish and think of what you need, which is difficult if you've shared a life with a person for so long.
I know it's so hard to see someone you care about going through such a hard time but eventually he will start to feel better. Do you know if his friends are looking out for him? If he's drinking a lot maybe you could get in touch with one of his mates and ask them to keep an eye on him.
Time is the only thing that will help him but knowing he's got the support of family and freinds will help put your mind at rest too.

Best of luck anyway. I hope it all works out for the best. x

JonnyM

take him back or maybe just keep using him for what you want he'll soon get pissed off

LegacyUser

JonnyM wrote: »

take him back or maybe just keep using him for what you want he'll soon get pissed off

I don't understand? ...keep using him? I'm certainly not doing that. Not entirely sure how you gathered that from what I said.... Have you been on the receiving end of a break up maybe? If yes, maybe you could give me that perspective.

Thanks Tartopher, I might get in contact with one of his friends but I don't think he would like that if he was to find out

dudara

badbreakup1 wrote: »

...we had been together since I was 20 but now I feel I need to figure out who I am and what I want and want to stand on my own two feet for a bit.

Just make sure that your breakup was for the right reasons and not because you wanted the "greener grass".

He is not taking the break up well, he is drinking a lot almost everynight, we have stayed in contact (although at first he told me he did not want to stay in touch with me).

You've to break off the contact. Neither of you are going to move on and heal if this toxic contact continues. He drinks and then talks to you. You feel bad because of it, something of which he is well aware. Therefore, he will continue to drink as he knows it makes you feel bad and guilty.

LegacyUser

hey op...

you say you still love him but you want to stand on your own two feet for a while.... did you sit down and explain this to him before you broke it off or did he have any clue you were feeling this way?

if it was a case of not wanting to worry about someone else for a while maybe you could have explained that you needed to take a step back from the relationship for a bit, see each other less often? everybody needs their space and at, i'm guessing you're 25/26 now, maybe you're life has started to change? your career may be moving along and you want to focus on other things for a while?

if you really love him maybe it's worth working through these problems and seeing where you can go from their? I know of plenty of couples who have gone long distance at various times in their relationships because they each wanted to make the most of their lives.

why did you break up with him? i know you said your feelings changed (but you still love him).... did he do anything to make this change come about??

sessionone

hey op,

your ex sounds like me. i didn't take the breakup well at all, started drinking a lot. that was two years ago, and i still think about her every day. it seems there's no way out.

you need to cut the contact. you can't be the person for him when he feels bad any more. you broke up with him for a reason. of course, you don't know what's going to happen in the future, but for now you're both on different paths. you'll find your own way, and, eventually, he'll find his. perhaps it will take some time for him, but i hope he'll manage. he'll stand up and learn to make his own decisions.

meanwhile, you must learn to think only about yourself. it's hard after so many years of being together, but you have removed him from your life, he's not of your concern any more. a breakup is not something you play with easily, so the sooner you start living for yourself only the better. don't answer his calls, texts, emails, whatever, ignore him. don't try to explain anything to him, because he will not understand. it's harsh, but that's the only way.

remember, there's reason for everything and purpose to everything.

best of luck to you both,
sessionone.

Moomoo1

badbreakup1 wrote: »

I feel I need to figure out who I am and what I want and want to stand on my own two feet for a bit.

see, I think men (well, me at least) cannot understand that reason. The logical reply to that is 'well, why can't you figure all that out and stand on your two feet without breaking up'?

I think that's an excuse. The reality is that you don't love him anymore, or not in love with him to be more precise. I'd just tell him that without giving him false hope that sometime, somewhere you will learn to stand on your own two feet and come back. Because that ain't happening.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

see, I think men (well, me at least) cannot understand that reason. The logical reply to that is 'well, why can't you figure all that out and stand on your two feet without breaking up'?

I think that's an excuse. The reality is that you don't love him anymore, or not in love with him to be more precise. I'd just tell him that without giving him false hope that sometime, somewhere you will learn to stand on your own two feet and come back. Because that ain't happening.

As a man I would agree with this sentiment. I would feel like I am being fed a lame excuse instead of the truth.

seenitall

Moomoo1 wrote: »

see, I think men (well, me at least) cannot understand that reason.

Not only do men understand that reason/excuse (I'd say that's why op's ex is drinking so heavily at the mo...), but they are also pretty adept at using it themselves when they want to break up.

Again, maybe it is hard for YOU to understand, but sometimes even the people who feel the need to break up with their OH's aren't entirely certain of their feelings one way or the other, such is the strength of a long-term habit of caring for and about someone. Love, in such cases, is not all black or white, human beings are complex creatures.

Moomoo1

seenitall wrote: »

Not only do men understand that reason/excuse (I'd say that's why op's ex is drinking so heavily at the mo...), but they are also pretty adept at using it themselves when they want to break up.

Again, maybe it is hard for YOU to understand, but sometimes even the people who feel the need to break up with their OH's aren't entirely certain of their feelings one way or the other, such is the strength of a long-term habit of caring for and about someone. Love, in such cases, is not all black or white, human beings are complex creatures.

but they know that feeling is lacking, to a sufficient degree for them to make the decision to break up? So in effect that's the same as what I said above. Lack of feeling is the problem and not any 'need to stand on one's feet'.

seenitall

No. Sorry, but I remember what I felt at one particular point in the past when I broke up with someone I loved very much, and with whom I had a 2-and-a-half-year realtionship (incidentally, I was 26, just like OP). I loved him but even more than my feelings for him having changed somewhat from "being in love" to "love", the primary thing I felt is that I needed to test the waters on my own, I felt the right thing for me at that point in time was to be single. As I loved him, it was actually a very difficult and a painful decision to make, and I was by no means certain that we would not get back together again some time in the future, if things played out that way.

So, the need to, as a young person, break away from the safety of a loving, caring relationship and learn more about oneself by being single and more free to make mistakes if needs be, can very much be the crux of a break up, I can tell you this from my own experience.

Looking back, I can see that the problem there was that I wasn't emotionally ready for complete commitment at that point in time. Funnily enough, this was the only ever break-up where I was the initiator in the course of my twenties!

seenitall

blokes opinion wrote: »

As a man I would agree with this sentiment. I would feel like I am being fed a lame excuse instead of the truth.

You would be able to understand and accept this better if you had selflessness enough while in love to understand that not everything about your OH and her motivations is to do with you.

But of course, love is actually anything BUT selfless, although men tend to romanticize it, or so I am told... :rolleyes:

Moomoo1

seenitall wrote: »

No. Sorry, but I remember what I felt at one particular point in the past when I broke up with someone I loved very much, and with whom I had a 2-and-a-half-year realtionship (incidentally, I was 26, just like OP). I loved him but even more than my feelings for him having changed somewhat from "being in love" to "love", the primary thing I felt is that I needed to test the waters on my own, I felt the right thing for me at that point in time was to be single. As I loved him, it was actually a very difficult and a painful decision to make, and I was by no means certain that we would not get back together again some time in the future, if things played out that way.

So, the need to, as a young person, break away from the safety of a loving, caring relationship and learn more about oneself by being single and more free to make mistakes if needs be, can very much be the crux of a break up, I can tell you this from my own experience.

Looking back, I can see that the problem there was that I wasn't emotionally ready for complete commitment at that point in time. Funnily enough, this was the only ever break-up where I was the initiator in the course of my twenties!

but I still say that if you had been head over heels in love with your partner this 'need to test the waters on your own' wouldn't have been an issue. So, once again, it comes down to lack of feeling.

what can you learn about yourself being single that you can't in a relationship? I can only think of one thing, and it involves going out with other people.

Gyalist

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what the reason for the breakup is. If one party wants out, that it. What the OP's ex is doing is manipulative and attention-seeking.

OP, you need to completely cut all contact with him for both of your sakes. You'll find it impossible to move on while also being his emotional sponge. His drinking is not your responsibility. He's realised that negative behaviour is the best way to keep your attention so he has no incentive to change his behaviour as long as you keep responding to him.

seenitall

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but I still say that if you had been head over heels in love with your partner this 'need to test the waters on your own' wouldn't have been an issue. So, once again, it comes down to lack of feeling.

what can you learn about yourself being single that you can't in a relationship? I can only think of one thing, and it involves going out with other people.

Again, you can't tell other people what they are feeling. I told you exactly how I was feeling, and that it was nothing to do with me not loving my b/f "enough" ("lack of feeling"). How can you be so obtuse as to presume to know about people's motivations better than they do themselves??

LegacyUser

Hey, Even though you may dispute what seeitall says, it is true, but there were also elements of the relationship that did not work at all. For instance he is not close to his family at all, so he never ever felt the need to make an effort with mine, during our five years together he met my family twice, I invited him to dinners but he always made an excuse eventually I gave up asking. I am very very close to my family and he never understood ( this this may sound stupid to some people)He was the same way with my friends.


Although this was not the reason for the break up, I understand why you would all say that saying I needed to stand on my own two feet was an excuse. And you may be right.
but he was the first boyfriend I ever had and I depended on him for alot mainly company and well it felt towards the end that we were trapped in our own little world or bubble and despite all the other problems in our relationship ..(normal stuff like ..sex dwindling, the family/friend problem, his communication problems as well as mine ) it came down to me really just needing to be on my own. I told him all of this.

I do still love him, I am attached to him in and in some way will be forever.


I could not tell him to wait for me or lets go on a break because well... that would have been selfish. So I felt I had to do what I did, and it hurts, but I don't think I did the wrong thing.

My problem is, how to you deal with some one you love hurting. Most of you have said cut off contact, so I guess that is probably the best option. ..

Moomoo1

seenitall wrote: »

Again, you can't tell other people what they are feeling. I told you exactly how I was feeling, and that it was nothing to do with me not loving my b/f "enough" ("lack of feeling"). How can you be so obtuse as to presume to know about people's motivations better than they do themselves??

but you say yourself that your 'in love' feelings were waning? I was going by that...

I am just interested (because there have been a few threads written here by men who were on the receiving end of that sort of thing, who were absolutely gobsmacked by this sort of logic - eg http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055664089) in the following: what exactly can you do outside a relationship (that constitutes standing on your own two feet) that you cannot do whilst staying in the relationship - other than gong out with other people?

seenitall

Exactly, OP. What I was trying to get across here was that it wasn't selfishness or "lameness" that made you tell him you need to stand on your own, it was the TRUTH. I know because I have been there and loved somebody that much, and shared so much with them even long, long after the break-up. So it pisses me off when people judge something they obviosly haven't experienced for themselves and pretend that it's all black or white i.e. "Either you love me or you don't, which of course can translate into ONLY either you are with me or you are not."

Now, I will admit two points:

firstly, the "need to stand on my own" CAN be a good excuse, and not the real reason - the difference is simply about whether the person really means it and feels it or whether they are just trying to soften the blow and not admit that they don't love the person any more - for me, I meant it with all my heart;

secondly, it is best to cut contact in this situation, and I think it is actually good for both sides to be able to move on properly.

In my case, we didn't cut contact, but we did reduce it to a great degree, and that worked really well. Within a year's time, although there was still love there and all the good memories, we had both moved on emotionally, but crucially without any bitterness or blame. I have to say, my ex is an exceptionally mature person though, who knew exactly what was what and how to handle things; I think in your case (as the alcohol issue shows) it's a bit more complicated, but I do agree that the most important thing right now is to cut contact, after you have made sure that he has friends and family there to keep an eye on him.

People can actually outgrow relationships and feel the need to move on WHILE still loving their OH; I think many men see it differently as they tend to "love" with their dciks instead of their hearts.

seenitall

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but you say yourself that your 'in love' feelings were waning? I was going by that...

I am just interested (because there have been a few threads written here by men who were on the receiving end of that sort of thing, who were absolutely gobsmacked by this sort of logic - eg http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055664089) in the following: what exactly can you do outside a relationship (that constitutes standing on your own two feet) that you cannot do whilst staying in the relationship - other than gong out with other people?

Yes, that's true, I wasn't "in love" so much any more, as opposed to "just" plain love. However, this is a slight modification of feelings that most couples go through without breaking up, so it most certainly wasn't my motivation for breaking up. By breaking up, I was actually hurting myself as well as him, this is my point exactly. However, I knew I had outgrown the relationship and that I had to move forward on my own terms because I needed to be free - and this does NOT mean free to sleep with others, at least it didn't for a while to come. It means principally not feeling like I am being sheltered by a relationship, and therefore not experiencing life and what it has to either offer or throw at me, as an independent human being, and therefore not being able to pit my individual will and strength against life.

I wasn't ready to be a permanent part of a couple; is it getting any easier to understand?

Wagon

Why not give him a straight answer?

You don't love him anymore.

Tell him this and stop arsing around with all the crap of "needing to find yourself". It may be true, but so what? He couldn't give a damn about that. No man really gives a ****e! All he wants to know is if you'll be together again and you saying all this stuff is merely giving him false hope.

Cut contact too. If he didn't want to keep in touch in the first place then maybe you should have respected that. I tried to break contact with an ex after she broke up with me, she made me feel guilty and i stayed in touch for a few months. Useless waste of time.

Moomoo1

seenitall wrote: »

People can actually outgrow relationships and feel the need to move on WHILE still loving their OH; I think many men see it differently as they tend to "love" with their dciks instead of their hearts.

that's a horrible thing to say. Men need companionship as much as they need sex, if not more. It's not about the sex: it's about the fact that if you love someone then you want to be with them (in a non-sexual way). I could never imagine loving someone and leaving them...

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

Cut contact too. If he didn't want to keep in touch in the first place then maybe you should have respected that. I tried to break contact with an ex after she broke up with me, she made me feel guilty and i stayed in touch for a few months. Useless waste of time.

He told me he did not want to stay in touch so that is exactly for I did for about two weeks and then he texted me saying he could not believe i was not talking to him and that I was a bitch for cutting contact. So I didn't initiate it

Moomoo1

seenitall wrote: »

It means principally not feeling like I am being sheltered by a relationship, and therefore not experiencing life and what it has to either offer or throw at me, as an independent human being, and therefore not being able to pit my individual will and strength against life.

you can be in a relationship and be independent at the same time. It takes work, but it's possible...

seenitall

OK.

On the evidence of last three posts on here, I give up on my argument. How about that?

Obviously, the kind of relationship I had with my ex, the way that we parted, and the kind of person he is, must be a big accident of nature. (Not being sarcastic here!).

Sorry about that remark, Moomoo, if you find it so horrible as that. Every opinion that I hold about anything is, naturally, greatly informed by my experiences with the issue at hand, and so it goes with that one as well. Unfortunately.

RodSteel

seenitall wrote: »

But of course, love is actually anything BUT selfless, although men tend to romanticize it, or so I am told... :rolleyes:

And you tend dramatise it, from what I read...;)

jellyboy

Hi ALL
just reading this and its all about in/out of love ...standing on feet etc etc..

It reads like theres rules for realships? its my view there should not be any rules/parameters in love (or life) of course boundarys are healthy and welcome in life...

A lot of wat im reading is "the grass is greener on the other side" ...

love is love is love....

trying to define it is denying yourself....?

LegacyUser

Whats interesting as I read through these posts is I'm in the exact same boat as your ex boyfriend, My girlfriend decided to break up with me roughly about a month ago, the problems were mainly also dwindling sex and communication/trust problems, I also have a history of depression. Like your ex I also drank very heavily initially after the break up which only served to heighten my depressed state. He just needs to keep busy and as already been said good friends are ESSENTIAL. I came to a point where I knew if I kept drinking I knew my problems would spiral past a point I couldn't recover from. This where my friends came in. Would it be fair to say he had a needy personality? I'm just asking because I do nd I became quite clingy at times during the relationship and drove her away. My neediness stems from a bullying in Secondary school and having a poor relationship. My excessive and more obssesive stemmed from trying to fill an emotional void that had existed prior to meeting my girlfriend and I had used her selfishly to fill. A month the line I feel I've made alot of progress.

disposedof

seenitall wrote: »

Yes, that's true, I wasn't "in love"

Moomoo was correct in his statements

seenitall wrote: »

this does NOT mean free to sleep with others, at least it didn't for a while to come.

Your making Moomoo's point here

seenitall wrote: »

not experiencing life and who it has to either offer or throw at me

fixed

I wasn't ready to be a permanent part of a couple; is it getting any easier to understand?

yes... yes it is.

I'm a man on the recieving end. I never saw it coming, because I convinced myself it wasn't coming. I made every attempt I could to discuss issues with her about our relationship, and she would avoid discussion on it, or just plain run away and spend time with her friends and not me. My ex came out to me that she had discovered that she was bisexual. She said this would not effect our relationship at all. I was there for her through thick and thin for almost 6 years. She also had a gallstone operation with complications, I was there for her the whole time also, even though she treated me like garbage, even though the first person she asked for when waking up from the anaesthetic was her best friend. (no I don't want a medal or a micky mouse badge, I just didn't want to be treated like a piece of trash when she could of broken up with me sooner)

So yea I'll state the obvious she lied to me, and made me live a lie too. Basically she stayed with me for 6 months afterwards before she finally got the guts to break up with me, (conveniently after her car loan was paid off:rolleyes:).

Never did she tell me she was losing love for me, (though i thought she was). Never was she willing to discuss relationship problems with me, (though I wish she had). Instead she kept me living a lie (I paid all the rent, utility bills and one of our credit cards). All she had to do was pay her car loan and the other credit card. Soon as the car was paid off pretty much, the moment that the voice inside my head had warned me about, and I hadn't listened happened.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" yup... the famous line. Then of course came the normal blowing smoke up my proverbial... trying to let me down easy technique. Yup... I drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney and swoar like a damn witness!
Then came the dreaded "I know it's cruel and selfish, but I can't stand the thought of not having you in my life, I want to be friends" She wanted to have her cake and eat it too, she wanted me to still be in her life, while she was free to be with whoever she wanted regardless of how it would effect me. Selfish and cruel was a gross understatement.

Rather than sort her relationship/issues out like a grown adult, she would rather hide/discard them and pretend they never happened and move on to someone better, someone more exciting. We'd been together for 5 years. It wouldn't of hurt so much if she hadn't broken up with me 4 years earlier and got back with me. I thought the old set 'em free and if they return it was meant to be BS was true...

I went into an insane quest for knowledge and answers, I would stop at nothing to find the truth. I even went through her email. She had been a member of lesbian dating sites for 6 months before she broke up with me. Her 2 best friends are lesbian.... I didn't think that'd cause any problems at all because I TRUSTED her, which is what you do when you LOVE somebody so much that you would die for them.

She is also 25. You know what this is called? it's called "Grass is greener syndrome"
http://www.midlifebachelor.com/crisis/crisis3.html

to the original poster, sorry for my bitter tones, but im still hurting from this. The following is my advice.

• Be truthful (about everything!)
• Don't leave him with false hopes of you being with him again
• Don't stay in contact with him, he needs to heal too.
• This is a shock to him, he didn't see it coming so be gentle
• Do not ask to be friends, and if you want to... wait a year before you do.

• Feel guilt, feel bad. But do not show him that you do!
• Cut ALL contact. NO CONTACT no matter how much he harasses you, no matter how much he yanks at your crank, give him nothing or he will never heal, and niether will you.

Hey, Even though you may dispute what seeitall says, it is true, but there were also elements of the relationship that did not work at all. For instance he is not close to his family at all, so he never ever felt the need to make an effort with mine, during our five years together he met my family twice, I invited him to dinners but he always made an excuse eventually I gave up asking. I am very very close to my family and he never understood ( this this may sound stupid to some people)He was the same way with my friends.

At the risk of sounding even more like a clown, I'm going to assume you never actualy told him just how much of an issue this was for you. Men don't take hints, yes we are stupid, yes we aren't mind readers. Lack of communication ends relationships, and hurts more because it ends friendships too. If my assumption is incorrect, my most sincere appologies.

I wish my ex had of told me everything I had done wrong, and I wish she had of told me something like this. It could of saved our relationship. I'm left here dumbfounded, as I can't explain where I went wrong, because of the "it's not you it's me" line. And what's worse is she found someone else before leaving me, and failed to hide that fact though not through lack of trying.

sameboat wrote: »

Whats interesting as I read through these posts is I'm in the exact same boat as your ex boyfriend, My girlfriend decided to break up with me roughly about a month ago, the problems were mainly also dwindling sex and communication/trust problems, I also have a history of depression. Like your ex I also drank very heavily initially after the break up which only served to heighten my depressed state. He just needs to keep busy and as already been said good friends are ESSENTIAL. I came to a point where I knew if I kept drinking I knew my problems would spiral past a point I couldn't recover from. This where my friends came in. Would it be fair to say he had a needy personality? I'm just asking because I do nd I became quite clingy at times during the relationship and drove her away. My neediness stems from a bullying in Secondary school and having a poor relationship. My excessive and more obssesive stemmed from trying to fill an emotional void that had existed prior to meeting my girlfriend and I had used her selfishly to fill. A month the line I feel I've made alot of progress.

I think I have just found my twin brother. With exception to the last two sentences, I am you. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psycologist for PTSD. But I can see that you are getting self doubt. You didn't try to fill an emotional void. You gave your all to her, and your "clinglyness" and "obsessiveness" came from the need to have your love returned by the one you love, your need to be loved if you will. Ask yourself this... don't all people who seek love, seek to fill an emotional void? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HERE. Sure you aren't perfect, and you weren't perfect, but niether was she. It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one.

Did my PTSD drive her away? Did it make her want someone else? possibly. But because of the "it's not you it's me" line, I'll never know. Look at how pathetic I must sound, and how emo, hurt and just plain insane I am in my ramblings. I am bitter and resentful of.... the unknown truth.

I was 25 when I met her, and she was 20. Maybe she feels (midlife crisis), that she didn't get to live her 20's and see what life had to offer her, while I on the otherhand did. Who knows? The hardest part is I need to know to move on properly. It's not enough that she cheated on me, I wish it were that easy to hate her, but still love her deeply. She was everything to me and now she's gone. In the words of my shrinks... "I don't have to like it, I don't have to understand it, but I do have to accept it" Yea, your friends will probably give you the "she didn't deserve you", or "she's no good for you man, forget her" lines, but I know how hard it is to actually listen to them and even harder still believe it. It's been three months for me, and I'm no better than when she left me. If time healed all wounds, why did i get back with her for round two of the emotional assault?

seenitall

disposedof wrote: »

Moomoo was correct in his statements

Your making Moomoo's point here


fixed

yes... yes it is.

I'm a man on the recieving end. I never saw it coming, because I convinced myself it wasn't coming. I made every attempt I could to discuss issues with her about our relationship, and she would avoid discussion on it, or just plain run away and spend time with her friends and not me. My ex came out to me that she had discovered that she was bisexual. She said this would not effect our relationship at all. I was there for her through thick and thin for almost 6 years. She also had a gallstone operation with complications, I was there for her the whole time also, even though she treated me like garbage, even though the first person she asked for when waking up from the anaesthetic was her best friend. (no I don't want a medal or a micky mouse badge, I just didn't want to be treated like a piece of trash when she could of broken up with me sooner)

So yea I'll state the obvious she lied to me, and made me live a lie too. Basically she stayed with me for 6 months afterwards before she finally got the guts to break up with me, (conveniently after her car loan was paid off:rolleyes:).

Never did she tell me she was losing love for me, (though i thought she was). Never was she willing to discuss relationship problems with me, (though I wish she had). Instead she kept me living a lie (I paid all the rent, utility bills and one of our credit cards). All she had to do was pay her car loan and the other credit card. Soon as the car was paid off pretty much, the moment that the voice inside my head had warned me about, and I hadn't listened happened.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" yup... the famous line. Then of course came the normal blowing smoke up my proverbial... trying to let me down easy technique. Yup... I drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney and swoar like a damn witness!
Then came the dreaded "I know it's cruel and selfish, but I can't stand the thought of not having you in my life, I want to be friends" She wanted to have her cake and eat it too, she wanted me to still be in her life, while she was free to be with whoever she wanted regardless of how it would effect me. Selfish and cruel was a gross understatement.

Rather than sort her relationship/issues out like a grown adult, she would rather hide/discard them and pretend they never happened and move on to someone better, someone more exciting. We'd been together for 5 years. It wouldn't of hurt so much if she hadn't broken up with me 4 years earlier and got back with me. I thought the old set 'em free and if they return it was meant to be BS was true...

I went into an insane quest for knowledge and answers, I would stop at nothing to find the truth. I even went through her email. She had been a member of lesbian dating sites for 6 months before she broke up with me. Her 2 best friends are lesbian.... I didn't think that'd cause any problems at all because I TRUSTED her, which is what you do when you LOVE somebody so much that you would die for them.

She is also 25. You know what this is called? it's called "Grass is greener syndrome"
http://www.midlifebachelor.com/crisis/crisis3.html

to the original poster, sorry for my bitter tones, but im still hurting from this. The following is my advice.

• Be truthful (about everything!)
• Don't leave him with false hopes of you being with him again
• Don't stay in contact with him, he needs to heal too.
• This is a shock to him, he didn't see it coming so be gentle
• Do not ask to be friends, and if you want to... wait a year before you do.

• Feel guilt, feel bad. But do not show him that you do!
• Cut ALL contact. NO CONTACT no matter how much he harasses you, no matter how much he yanks at your crank, give him nothing or he will never heal, and niether will you.

At the risk of sounding even more like a clown, I'm going to assume you never actualy told him just how much of an issue this was for you. Men don't take hints, yes we are stupid, yes we aren't mind readers. Lack of communication ends relationships, and hurts more because it ends friendships too. If my assumption is incorrect, my most sincere appologies.

I wish my ex had of told me everything I had done wrong, and I wish she had of told me something like this. It could of saved our relationship. I'm left here dumbfounded, as I can't explain where I went wrong, because of the "it's not you it's me" line. And what's worse is she found someone else before leaving me, and failed to hide that fact though not through lack of trying.



I think I have just found my twin brother. With exception to the last two sentences, I am you. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psycologist for PTSD. But I can see that you are getting self doubt. You didn't try to fill an emotional void. You gave your all to her, and your "clinglyness" and "obsessiveness" came from the need to have your love returned by the one you love, your need to be loved if you will. Ask yourself this... don't all people who seek love, seek to fill an emotional void? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HERE. Sure you aren't perfect, and you weren't perfect, but niether was she. It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one.

Did my PTSD drive her away? Did it make her want someone else? possibly. But because of the "it's not you it's me" line, I'll never know. Look at how pathetic I must sound, and how emo, hurt and just plain insane I am in my ramblings. I am bitter and resentful of.... the unknown truth.

I was 25 when I met her, and she was 20. Maybe she feels (midlife crisis), that she didn't get to live her 20's and see what life had to offer her, while I on the otherhand did. Who knows? The hardest part is I need to know to move on properly. It's not enough that she cheated on me, I wish it were that easy to hate her, but still love her deeply. She was everything to me and now she's gone. In the words of my shrinks... "I don't have to like it, I don't have to understand it, but I do have to accept it" Yea, your friends will probably give you the "she didn't deserve you", or "she's no good for you man, forget her" lines, but I know how hard it is to actually listen to them and even harder still believe it. It's been three months for me, and I'm no better than when she left me. If time healed all wounds, why did i get back with her for round two of the emotional assault?

WOW. :eek:

Firstly, it is incredibly presumptious of you to "fix" my post or tell me how I was feeling :mad:. Downright insulting, in fact. I loved my ex, thank you very much, we were both fair and good to each other, and that's why we have never ever fallen out and still have high regard for one another. It is not MY fault that YOU shared 6 years of your life with someone who treated you like "garbage"/lied to you/used you financially/sold you the "It's not you, it's me" line and what not, it was YOUR choice to be with someone who treated you so badly in the first place and YOUR choice to then stay friends with her. I never in my life treated anyone the way you have been treated, but I HAVE put up with a lot of siht in relationships in my time. Take some responsibility for your choices, and you will have a lot less bitterness to deal with all of a sudden, trust me.

Secondly, I did say in one of my posts in this thread that "standing on my own, but still love you" can be BS and can easily be used as a convenient line for people who don't love their OH any more. Absolutely. It only so happens that in my case it was the truth, and that I had an OH who loved me, trusted me and understood this (THIS is what is called love, you should try it sometime - love is certainly not letting yourself being mucked around for years and then being overwhelmed with bitterness once you've served your purpose, that's called desperation). Looking back 10 years later, he is a guy in a million (unfortunately). Incidentally, maybe you missed the part where I wrote that in cases of "need to stand of my own", just as with almost any other break up, in fact, it is best to break contact and stick to it. I never in my life pressurised anyone to be my "friend"... sheesh.

Thirdly, as for "filling the emotional void", OMG. Please, tackle this issue in therapy, everything you say in that paragraph screams of very deep self-esteem issues (going back to desperation/denial). I do not want to sound patronising, so I won't say anything more about that.

Fourthly, I have never read a post so riddled with inconsistencies and contradictions. Where to start?

You loved and trusted her = you went through her email.

She treated you like garbage, you are bitter as hell = you are still deeply(!) in love with her.

In short, this woman lies to you, uses you, disrespects you, dumps you, and despite thinking this: "It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one", you still think that a bit more clearer communication from her side (about your issues, of all things) "could of saved our relationship". What planet are you on???

"If time healed all wounds, why did i get back with her for round two of the emotional assault?"

Because time can't heal your lack of self-worth and self-esteem, and therefore the propensity to choose to "love" a person who will treat you as a worthless entity you feel yourself to be. Only good and exhaustive therapy can do that.

disposedof

you know your absolutely right, 100% in everything you just said to me. My sincere appologies. You may not accept them, though they are still wholeheartedly intended.

I thankyou though for pointing out where I'm going wrong in life (not sarchastic at all).

Again my appologies. Yes these past few month's I haven't been able to pick an emotion, it's true. I do hold a very low oppinion of myself. When you've been left for someone else and you don't know why, I suppose thats going to happen. Especialy if that someone is a member of the opposite sex. Love is blind, and so was I. I take responsibility for my own actions, if I didn't I would of just appologized to you now would I? It was not my intention to insult you. I guess I just saw red after reading your comments, wasn't my place to comment at all. sorry

However in your anger, you seem to of missquoted my post, where I was actually quoting a poster above me. I have plenty of issues currently being tackled by professionals, as you can see.

seenitall

Apology accepted (although it wasn't really needed, I was just expressing MY indignance about my posts being "fixed", sorry about any misquotes). => Remember, we all have some issues to deal with, rare is the person who is perfectly balanced and untroubled by anything.

Keep working on your stuff, life (and relationships) can only get better if you do. Good luck with it!

LegacyUser

disposedof wrote: »

I think I have just found my twin brother. With exception to the last two sentences, I am you. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psycologist for PTSD. But I can see that you are getting self doubt. You didn't try to fill an emotional void. You gave your all to her, and your "clinglyness" and "obsessiveness" came from the need to have your love returned by the one you love, your need to be loved if you will. Ask yourself this... don't all people who seek love, seek to fill an emotional void? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HERE. Sure you aren't perfect, and you weren't perfect, but niether was she. It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one.

Did my PTSD drive her away? Did it make her want someone else? possibly. But because of the "it's not you it's me" line, I'll never know. Look at how pathetic I must sound, and how emo, hurt and just plain insane I am in my ramblings. I am bitter and resentful of.... the unknown truth.

I was 25 when I met her, and she was 20. Maybe she feels (midlife crisis), that she didn't get to live her 20's and see what life had to offer her, while I on the otherhand did. Who knows? The hardest part is I need to know to move on properly. It's not enough that she cheated on me, I wish it were that easy to hate her, but still love her deeply. She was everything to me and now she's gone. In the words of my shrinks... "I don't have to like it, I don't have to understand it, but I do have to accept it" Yea, your friends will probably give you the "she didn't deserve you", or "she's no good for you man, forget her" lines, but I know how hard it is to actually listen to them and even harder still believe it. It's been three months for me, and I'm no better than when she left me. If time healed all wounds, why did i get back with her for round two of the emotional assault?

I agree with most of your points. I guess the two biggest problems that existed were sex and openess. Our sex life dwindled massively and in retrospect I think it was symbolic of me driving her away emotionally. She also had massive problems opening up and literally bottled up every problem in her life. These would all come to a head when she was drunk and would deny all of things the next day then. I guess having an open somewhat emotionally driven boyfriend like me didnt help the situation at all. The "grass greener on the otherside" theory was an important factor to her most of friends are single, but its human nature, womena can be irrational at the best of times. Like your ex she was also much younger. However having friends telling you shes no good for you is not helpful either. I find comfort by dwelling on the fact we had a great relationship (minus the sex for the latter half), how much we loved each other and the fact that our break wasnt bitter, trust me things like these count for a lot. I dont know if any of the above apply to you but try to dwell on the good things in the relationship. I am sad its over and do miss her but at the same I'm glad I had the most amazing year of my life with the most amazing girl I've ever met. Im in rush to find someone else, in fact I dont even want to, Im gonna be myself now. Hope this helps

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you can be in a relationship and be independent at the same time. It takes work, but it's possible...

How? I'm genuinely curious.

I'm in a similar situation as the OP whereby I feel that getting into a long-term relationship with someone when I was so young has made me feel I missed out on developing my independance and becoming my own person now that I'm in my mid twenties. We moved in together after less than a year and have barely been apart since, so I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I'm capable of on my own. So I'd really like to hear how to go about becoming more independant while living with someone who expects to spend every single day together?

Moomoo1

howtodoit? wrote: »

How? I'm genuinely curious.

I'm in a similar situation as the OP whereby I feel that getting into a long-term relationship with someone when I was so young has made me feel I missed out on developing my independance and becoming my own person now that I'm in my mid twenties. We moved in together after less than a year and have barely been apart since, so I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I'm capable of on my own. So I'd really like to hear how to go about becoming more independant while living with someone who expects to spend every single day together?

yeah, that sounds familiar, except that we moved in after less than a month. It's sort of hard to explain though, but I don't feel that my choices in life are all that restricted (esp. considering we have a very young child). I mean, what can't I do now that I could have done had I been single?

suppose you had been single and wanted to know what you were capable of: how would you go about that? Well, you just do the same, but without breaking up.

katie99

People fall in and out of love easily. In this case she has fallen out of love with her bf. So she is right to break up. However, she needs to be honest and tell her ex the real reason for the break up. She no longer loves him.

Cut all contact with him. He has to get over the hurt himself and he will do in time. It is not her problem that he is drinking heavily. We all react in different ways to a break up which, after such a long time together, is like a bereavement.

Break ups happen every day of the year.

I've learned you should always keep your friends when you are in a relationship because no matter how long you are together as a couple you never know when you will need them. I've known many couples who ignore their friends 'cos they don't think they will ever need them.