very hard time for a friend

LegacyUser

One of my friends is in very difficult situation. I don't know what to say to her. She is pregnant, she is 6 weeks now, she has knowen since last week. Her circumstances are bad enought as it is and she is struggling to get by, she has no job on the dole, not much of a family, not much support at all, finanically, socially and emotionally. She is very isolated and has suffers from depression from time to time since her late teens. There would be no one she could rely on or turn to only me, all i say to her is to think alot, let things be and things will work themselves out. Her boyfriend wants her to get abortion. He is unemployed too. She dosn't live with him, she lives alone. She told me things are not going well with him. I don't know what to say to her at all, getting a termination is want she wants. I just say what ever happens will happen its not much advice to say let things be. She said in her heart she wants to have a baby but she said she isn't strong enought to cope alone. I don't know where women who are in the same circumstances as my friend would go in this situation, there is positive options thing but its just this very very difficult time. She is 28 maybe fate will find a way, I really hope it does. If i was in her situation well It would be different. What advise would you give or what would you do in this situation? What ever discision she makes, I wouldn't judge her or any women. I would like to hear from women especially and women who have been there.

coffee_cake

I think if she suffers from depression and wants the baby already, she might want to think twice about whether she wants a termination. It can be hard enough if you're determined but she may regret it. I say this as someone completely prochoice btw.
She really should talk to positive options, there should be people there who can maybe give her a better POV and work through her options from a non-involved kind of view.
It is possible to bring the child up on her own if she wants, so it is an option. There are allowances and everything.

Best of luck to her

seenitall

Yes, definitely, she should be talking with Options or whatever they are called, this isn't a trivial matter and these agencies are set up EXACTLY for the reason of addressing and alleviating "this very very difficult time". So the first thing that you can do for your friend is to get her to talk to people who are trained to deal with her situation.

Another thing that I would advise you to do is, as a good friend to her, to keep an eye on the boyfriend situation. A man may well think that a pregnancy right now is a nuisance and best gotten rid of, but the thing is, if in fact she wants to have the baby, and if she allows herself to be pressurised by him into having an abortion, she will be the one paying the full price of that, both emotional and physical, for a time to come. Whether they stay together or not (and it sounds like they won't). So just make sure to keep an eye on what's going on on that side and try and make sure she doesn't end up being used and manipulated to suit someone else's wishes.

I understand that she is depressed and confused, but that is why she has you now to lean on, so I hope you get her into a professional counselling situation where qualified people will help her clear her head a bit and decide what she wants to do. All on her own.

Well done on being a good friend.

The best of luck.

LegacyUser

Well, she sees no way out only abortion. Its very sad I told her to talk to counseller and help them advise her. I can understand why she feels theres no other way but there are

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. Its strange I didn't get any more replies and just thoughts on it. It is a very serious situation, its life or death. I don't think people want to know, maybe its too much reality for them to think about. It seems here there are alot of teenage auguish problems or people going throught alot of teenage things or things you could call superficial that don't seem very important when you look at the greater scheme of things. Well I just wanted people's opinions and thoughts not really advice. Its better to get guidence and advice from the professionals, I know.

coffee_cake

I think on this kind of subject it's just so stark it's hard to give advice. Nobody wants to post lightly on, as you say, a life and death issue. It's easier to rail off advice on a "teenage" post because we've all been there so we know how to get through it.

"Well, she sees no way out only abortion." - if she really wants the baby to start with but is only aborting due to circumstance/her bf, there is surely another way. She could even give it up for adoption. If she is on the dole I am sure there are benefits she could get to help her through this after all there are other single mothers out there.
Please try to advise her strongly against getting an abortion JUST because her boyfriend wants it.

Again she really needs extensive counselling on this to consider her options carefully and what's best for her, not her boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Hi candle...

yes, as the poster above said...it is sometimes hard for people to comment on this type of issue as it is so emotive and stark that being objective can be difficult.

but u asked for similar experiences:

I was 20 when I fell pregnant, still in college, a foreign student here, on bad terms with my mother and aside from school fees and the odd call home pretty much on my own. To say I was in a bad place would be a lie. I didn't know what to do! My boyfriend was just a good time guy, not serious about life (hence the attraction on my part) and not able to keep a job. Nothing much has changed there! My family are extremely conservative and all I kept thinking was, I want a baby, but what will I do? I was seriously looking into flying to London for an abortion and was hiding my pregnancy as I was ashamed of my feelings. Like your friend I have suffered from depression since my teens and to be honest at the time it felt like my life was just a big fog. I thought my parents would cut me off if they knew and being foreign I had no idea what to do or where to turn. I had no savings, blew all my money on rubbish and wanted to travel more than I had. Eventually my baby's father told his family (without my knowing) and I got the suprise of my life when they turned out to be supportive and just happy to have another grandchild in the family.
I never talked to any agencies (part of my denial!) but I DID talk to my boyfriend seriously about my fears after his family knew. I eventually admitted to myself that I would probably regret it more and make my depression worse if I didn't have the baby. I kept thinking of the baby in terms of parents, money, school, etc, but once the father said regardless of my feelings he wanted the baby, I just couldn't help thinking how much he loved this little thing inside me that wasn't even showing and once I thought that, something clicked and I knew I loved the baby and wanted it.

So I had the baby. My parents flipped. As I knew they would, but once they saw the baby, all they said was they were dissappointed that I hadn't waited. I can't complain, they have helped me with money, support, etc since then and after 8 years I understand them better and appreciate all they've done for me.

It hasn't been easy. I've been stone broke, had trouble organising baby-sitting, found it hard to stay positive and off the anti-depressants, and missed my family as I made a decision to stay close to my child's father so we could both be in his life after I started work. Through it all I wished I had a friend close to me just to laugh, rant, complain, etc,as my closest friends are overseas and it's hard to make friends when you're older and everyone around you is free and easy with no parenting issues. If I had had a person like you, I think it wouldn't have been as bad as it sometimes was.

But now, as down as I can get, I'm really, really grateful I had my child. Just seeing him grow, learn the world and just live gives me great joy and satisfaction. It's worth it. I know I would have given myself long term grief had I had a termination. I know more of myself now to appreciate the horrors of my depression and what it can do to me. I manage it by not always projecting at least 5 years into the future with what ifs? It helps me see more clearly when I feel suffocated by decisions that overwhelm me.

So, as long as this rambling post as been....you are doing the right thing. Be there for her, hold her hand...that's all you can do. Tell her the truth. It won't be easy either way. It will be hard, but there are always good times ahead, as implausible as it may seem to her right now. Only she knows what a termination will mean to her. In the end, boyfriend or not, it will change her life whether or not she has the baby.

That's the only advice I can give. Hope it helps :-)

2manyconditions

candlelightandtears wrote: »

Thank you for your replies. Its strange I didn't get any more replies and just thoughts on it. It is a very serious situation, its life or death. I don't think people want to know, maybe its too much reality for them to think about. It seems here there are alot of teenage auguish problems or people going throught alot of teenage things or things you could call superficial that don't seem very important when you look at the greater scheme of things. Well I just wanted people's opinions and thoughts not really advice. Its better to get guidence and advice from the professionals, I know.

Your friend is in a horrible situation but there are positives. She does have options and thankfully we are not in the dark ages and it is very possible to become a single parent v sucessfully or to terminate the pregnancy and also the choice is her own to make.

If she already suffers from depression, she should definately seek professsional help sooner rather than later and maybe you could go with her to the door of her first appointment for additional support. I don't think there is anything you can say, just the fact that you are there and being supportive is fantastic. Its at low times, you find the great friends shine through.

All the best in what ever she decides. Oh and I hope she ditches the bloke - sounds like a d***.

This is just what I think - not many have been in this situation so its hard to give sound advise unless you've been through it yourself and I've not. Bluewolf was spot on there.

On an aside RE: your comment quoted above. Everyone has their problems might not seem like much to some but they are important to the people who write about them. I don't think its fair to compare. Each situation is its own.

Miss Fluff

Fair play for being a good friend. You can't unfortunately tell her what is best for her as you don't know, you don't have a crystal ball and I think it's a big responsibility to take on by yourself. She should go and talk to people who are trained to help her. Go with her by all means, but if she makes a decision it is best for her own sake that it is a well informed one.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

LegacyUser

well thanks for all the replies, thoughts and everything u wrote. She has made a discision so thats how it is. i can't force her or tell her what to do. All i can do is be her friend

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for all your thoughts and for sharing your story. I really admire you, Your are an inspiration to women alone and to others going throught alot. Thank God you had support, I think fate does find a way for most women on their own if they can hold out. I have suffered from depression my self, I know what its like but everyones depression is different its a lonely condition but you have to keep going getting stronger and growing from your strength, seeing hope in tommorrow and and be grateful for all you have got.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much once again for sharing your story. You are an inspiration and your strength if I had a little of that or my friend had either things would be different. All the best with the future and your child.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it. its her own discision to make all I can do is be a friend. I just wanted to say about what i said about the teenage auguish thing I didn't say they are not important, they have their own importance, looking at issues of life and death, thats as serious as it gets. I know everyone has their own problems but my friend's situation isn't a problem its much bigger than that, its going to affect her for the rest of her life or good or bad God knows