Anxious daughter of dad who is cheating

Alicia Angel

I had to turn to this advice board! As unfortunately, I have no one else to turn to. I would really appreciate advice as at this stage Im desperate.
I have had suspicions of my dad having an affair for a long time now. And I suppose today I found out for real,as read a text on his phone about a location of where they are going to meet up. And she said in it just an address and "hope its romantic". Very sickening for me, Im the youngest daughter and the only one living at home. My moms and dads relationship isnt great- mom is sick at the mo too. So, there is no way I can tell her, my sisters dont want to know and have told me so. How convenient eh?
They have their own lifes, Its just me. mom and dad at home. I have no appetite, had to go to docs yday with severe pains have a throat and bladder infection.
I just dont know what to do next? I was thinking of private investigator? What do you people think?
I need advice please, I would be so very grateful.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Alicia Angel wrote: »

I had to turn to this advice board! As unfortunately, I have no one else to turn to. I would really appreciate advice as at this stage Im desperate.
I have had suspicions of my dad having an affair for a long time now. And I suppose today I found out for real,as read a text on his phone about a location of where they are going to meet up. And she said in it just an address and "hope its romantic". Very sickening for me, Im the youngest daughter and the only one living at home. My moms and dads relationship isnt great- mom is sick at the mo too. So, there is no way I can tell her, my sisters dont want to know and have told me so. How convenient eh?
They have their own lifes, Its just me. mom and dad at home. I have no appetite, had to go to docs yday with severe pains have a throat and bladder infection.
I just dont know what to do next? I was thinking of private investigator? What do you people think?
I need advice please, I would be so very grateful.

What would hiring a private investigator achieve...?

Tricky position to be in. If your parents' relationshup isn't great, and he's cheating, it may be time to accept that he may be preparing to end it. Sometimes break-ups happen. Not sure how this would effect you and your Mum (does she still have feelings for him?)

That said, it is dishonest and you both deserve more honesty. I think that the only way that you're goign to get that is by talking to him. Not in a confrontation manner, just asking him how things are. Tell him you're worried and it's hurting you.

Failing that, there's always Samaritans. They're not just for serious suicidal cases. Sometimes they're just there to talk.

ztoical

agree with Ikky....What would hiring a private investigator achieve...? You'd get evidence that he is cheating and what? confront him about it? So why not go straight to him and ask him?

I'm going to be harsh here OP and say it may be case that your mum is aware of whats going on, it is her he is cheating on after all. From what you've said about your sisters not wanting to hear about it from you it sounds like they know it's going on and are opting to look there other way. I know it sounds heartless esp if your mums been ill and all but it happens. Relationships breakdown, in some cases it is easier on everyone if it's all out and open but you'll find a number of situations where people are comfortable together in every regard other then sexual and one or both partners may look for that sexual relationship elsewhere. I've been there with my own parents and even though they are your parents you have to accept it's their relationship and their issue to deal with.

Alicia Angel

Thanks a million.

Im totally aware that its there relationship and they need to deal with it. But my mom is my best friend, we go on holidays together , shopping etc. I am in a relationship myself and its moving on and Ill be moving out and then my mom has no one, my hearts breaks with this thought. I know, I should grow up and be an adult and accept things the way it is. But easier said than done. Its hard too, when sisters couldnt care less.
He and I were in the kitchen earlier, and I said I know what your up to and he immediately got very aggressive.

The reason why I wanted a private investigator,was to present the facts and then I will know in black and white what exactly he is up to.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Alicia Angel wrote: »

Thanks a million.

Im totally aware that its there relationship and they need to deal with it. But my mom is my best friend, we go on holidays together , shopping etc. I am in a relationship myself and its moving on and Ill be moving out and then my mom has no one, my hearts breaks with this thought. I know, I should grow up and be an adult and accept things the way it is. But easier said than done. Its hard too, when sisters couldnt care less.
He and I were in the kitchen earlier, and I said I know what your up to and he immediately got very aggressive.

The reason why I wanted a private investigator,was to present the facts and then I will know in black and white what exactly he is up to.

Not the best way of confronting him. You basically made an accusation and judged him, so of course he went on the defensive. You basically need to sit down and ask what's going on because you're worried. At the end of the day, you'll have to accept whatever decision he makes, even if you don't like it,

You can still move out and be close to your Mum, you know: she probably knows you won't be living there forever.

Alicia Angel

YEAH!
I suppose I could do that.
I know that wasnt the best thing to do to react like that with him, but I guess thats the anger coming out.
My dad is an agressive man, and the thought of sitting down and discussing with him Id say is impossible. He'll freak that I looked through his phone too. ah Jesus- wish I never looked through his phone.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Alicia Angel wrote: »

YEAH!
I suppose I could do that.
I know that wasnt the best thing to do to react like that with him, but I guess thats the anger coming out.
My dad is an agressive man, and the thought of sitting down and discussing with him Id say is impossible. He'll freak that I looked through his phone too. ah Jesus- wish I never looked through his phone.

Ah, but you don't have to tell him you looked through his phone (which, you're right, you shouldn't have done: either you find something you rather you didn't, or you find nothing and feel like a complete **** for being paranoid and invading someone's privacy).

The more open and the more accepting that this is happening, the more he's going to tell you and the less he's going to react. Tell him you love him (assuming you do) and you love your Mum and you need to know where you stand.

cats.life

Alicia Angel wrote: »

YEAH!
I suppose I could do that.
I know that wasnt the best thing to do to react like that with him, but I guess thats the anger coming out.
My dad is an agressive man, and the thought of sitting down and discussing with him Id say is impossible. He'll freak that I looked through his phone too. ah Jesus- wish I never looked through his phone.

i would do the same as you alicia angle to look in his fone to see if your right about it,dont feel guilty about it your are a good daughter lookin.g out for your mum,,mind me asking with what is your mum sick from??guilt is a curse , dont mention it to dad that you know , let him hang himself as in you could say that you were in the area today where they were going to meet up and watch his face go white, be devious . i dont blame you looking in his fone, your angry at him doing what he is doing to your mum. as for your sisters let them stick their heads in the sand as if nothing is going on.

Alicia Angel

Thanks for your replies.
She suffers with depression and is constantly getting viruses.
There is no way I can sit down with my dad, the address that I found on the phone- is there, but I dont know when he is going there.
I do think that I should give private investigator serious thought and give hard core evidence for dad.
Oh its such a hard one to work with

ztoical

You've mentioned how close you are to your mum but it sounds like you don't have a very good relationship with your dad. Do you think/care about what will happen to your relationship with him? You also don't say what your parents relationship is like.....your mum is ill, has your dad not been there for her or not? Are your fathers actions effecting your mums health in some way? Do they talk, share a bed still, not wishing to pry but it sounds like they've raised their kids and may find they've little in common now your all moving on.

cats.life

Alicia Angel wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.
She suffers with depression and is constantly getting viruses.
There is no way I can sit down with my dad, the address that I found on the phone- is there, but I dont know when he is going there.
I do think that I should give private investigator serious thought and give hard core evidence for dad.
Oh its such a hard one to work with

how much is the investigator going to cost do you know?how far away are you moving from home, if its not to far pop in to her every day .,what has mum said about you moving out,is she ok about it?

Taltos

OP - I am with the others on this.

Hiring an investigator is not going to make this any easier and could make things a lot worse a lot faster.
As you said he is an aggressive man - how do you think he will react to his daughter hiring someone to spy on him.

In terms of your mum - sorry to hear about the depression. Just wonder if their relationship is contributing to this or if her situation may have been a trigger for your father to look elsewhere. As another poster above hinted at I would not be at all surprised to hear that your mum is aware of this but in denial. It is great you are so close but there is only so far a child should intrude into a relationship.

I suggest now that you have already spoken (accused) to your dad you sit down and ask your if you can both speak openly. Let him know you are concerned about your mum and about him and that you just have a gut feeling that he is seeing someone else, maybe you can use some change in his behaviour or long disappearances.
As hard as it is try not to use language that will trigger or inflame him. By the way - as much as you care your dad may just turn around and tell you to mind your own business - using the - my marriage to your mum is none of your concern. That is where your worry for you mum comes in. Her health here is paramount - beyond you finding out the truth or getting your dad to be honest with you.
I am really torn here - as an adult I would insist on privacy in my relationship with my wife or a.n.other even to extended family etc... but at the same time as a son I would also be driven to find out what is going on. I guess you have to make that call for yourself and the arguments here back and forth over which relationship has priority will go on for ever.

Maybe though - have one more chat with your sisters. Look for insight on if this has in fact been going on for years and if they are aware of your mum knowing, or have had similar chats with your dad.

At some point though you may need to just walk away - make sure that you have a loved one there for you if you get to that point. You may need to make a call here that goes against all you are to protect someone you love - your mum.

Alicia Angel

I just feel like giving up.

Taltos

Don't.

You are in a rotten position - but it is not of your making.
Whatever is going on here - well whether or not you knew would be going on.

Maybe just take some time - find a trusted (and I mean with your life trusted) friend and talk this all through - get it all out there and take the time you need to figure a way forward.

I know an investigator sounds great - you are doing something. But right now they will only give you evidence that you know is there. Wasting your money and making it worse. If this is just dwelling too much on your mind - then figure out a plan of action (talk maybe) but then take a complete break and try and do something normal.

I saw a relative go thru this years ago. And we were all there for them when the crap hit the fan. You do have friends so as alone as you feel - pick up the phone or meet up. Talking can help. (as can posting to places like this).

Kidchameleon

is there no chance of getting your sisters to talk to you? is there a reason that they don't want to know? personally speaking, if this were my situation, id DEMAND they get talking to me about it...

cats.life

Alicia angle how are you today, i PM,d earlyer. you were in a bad place yesterday. has anything changed today.?hope your mum is ok.

Denimgirl

follow him when he's meeting her and pretend to accidently on purpose bump into them!