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Unwanted attention

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  • 25-06-2010 6:57pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    I'm having a bit of trouble with unwanted attention from male friends at the moment. I've had a boyfriend for three and a half years and because I got comfortable in the relationship I gained a lot of weight. I started wearing baggy clothes to hide this and did no exercise. A while ago I got sick of feeling fat and lost a load of weight and updated my wardrobe. Since then it's like my male friends have suddenly "noticed" me and keep coming on to me. A bit of innocent flirting doesn't bother me but they'll try and kiss me, hold my hand and one even asked me out. It's worse when they've been drinking and I rarely drink with them now because of it. The thing that really gets to me is they all know my boyfriend and know full well I have a boyfriend.

    I was wondering how best to deal with unwanted attention like this? If it was some randomer in a pub I'd tell them where to go but I'm afraid if I say anything to my friends they'll deny it and say I'm full of myself. I know people will say they're being so disrespectful to me and my boyfriend and I should ditch them but they are my best friends and that's easier said than done. Like I said, this has only started since I lost weight and I'm sure they'll get over it soon and I'll be back to being one of the lads again. Until then I'm not sure how to deal with it. If they try and flirt with me or kiss me I just walk away. I don't want to lead them on at all.


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    #2
    tenchi-fan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    Maybe you lost weight and feel more confident, and you've convinced yourself all of these people are attracted to you. It could easily just be banter.


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    #3
    Jessica-Rabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 180 ✭✭Jessica-Rabbit


    um holding her hand and trying to kiss her is not banter .. they are comming onto her.. Op you need to makeit clear that you are in a serious realtionship and that you will not tolerate this behaviour from them or anyone else


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    #4
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,807 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It's ok to tell friends to f*ck off!

    And if they are your "best friends" as you claim, then they will apologise for embarrassing you and putting you in an uncomfortable situation. If they turn it back on you and make you out to be "full of yourself", then they're not really great mates, are they?


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    #5
    entropi
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 21,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭entropi


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    It's ok to tell friends to f*ck off!

    And if they are your "best friends" as you claim, then they will apologise for embarrassing you and putting you in an uncomfortable situation. If they turn it back on you and make you out to be "full of yourself", then they're not really great mates, are they?

    goawaypls, I would have said the above thing myself in your position...bluntly tell them to f**k off ,that you want them to stop behaving like that and will not see them as anything other than friends.

    Alot of the time us guys need hints, but this situation needs a full on blunt comment.


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    #6
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    If you are as close to them as you claim to be then you just laugh it off while telling them to f8ck off. You don't need to be aggressive or nasty to them, just tell them to cop on and behave themselves. You can do it in a friendly way but be firm. They are chancing their arms so if you don't stand up to them and make it clear the attention is not wanted (is it?) then they will continue to give it a shot.

    Well done on losing the weight btw.


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    #7
    steddyeddy
    Registered Users Posts: 27,564 ✭✭✭✭steddyeddy


    well done on losing the weight, yea id say feck off lads ect but do you mind me asking are you angry that they only start noticing you now that you have lost the weight?


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    steddyeddy wrote: »
    well done on losing the weight, yea id say feck off lads ect but do you mind me asking are you angry that they only start noticing you now that you have lost the weight?

    Thanks for all the advice everyone.

    steddyeddy I'm angry that they know I have my boyfriend but will still try it on with me. The most recent time this happened my boyfriend had been out and the lads were chatting away with him and as soon as he leaves they're trying it on. It also annoys me that they think I would cheat.


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    #9
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,807 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    goawaypls wrote: »
    The most recent time this happened my boyfriend had been out and the lads were chatting away with him and as soon as he leaves they're trying it on. It also annoys me that they think I would cheat.

    Are they all trying it on with you at the same time? How many of them are there??! Do they all just sit around waiting for your bf to leave, and then as soon as he's out the door they all start vying for your attention?

    Sorry, I know it's not funny, but the way you're describing it is making it sound a bit ridiculous!

    Seriously, if it's really getting you down that much, then say it! Turning away or walking away and not actually saying anything, isn't really letting them know you are not up for it. They might think you're enjoying the attention, and just playing hard to get!

    Say something, be it seriously, or in a joking tone, but make it clear that their attention is unwanted. And if it continues, then you can't see your friendship continuing.

    If you don't spell it out, they are going to continue. If they are your "friends" then you shoudl be able to discuss things with them. Why are you so afraid of what their reaction might be?


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    #10
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    You need to let them know in black and white that their attention is not only not wanted it is all in their heads.

    Some guys are chancers and might just be trying it on. But the longer you leave this the further they will push.
    Stop it now - immediately - if they continue - then as a poster above mentioned they are not really friends.

    Remember - be BLUNT - to the point - no dithering - no smiles, no batting of eyelashes. Just look them in the face and say simply "Would you ever cop the F on - you're a mate and nothing is ever going to happen here, now either stop crapping on or feck off"

    Subtly, trying not to hurt their feelings will NOT work here. Any you might find that even after you set them straight they continue - well in that case you know exactly where you stand.


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    #11
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    goawaypls wrote: »
    I know people will say they're being so disrespectful to me and my boyfriend and I should ditch them but they are my best friends and that's easier said than done.

    Since when do "best friends" try it on with each other, regardless of relationship status?? I'd have to question your age OP if you think its normal for "best friends" to try and kiss each other.

    They aren't your best friends, and tbh I don't see how you can regard them as any sort of friends when they are disrespecting you, your boyfriend and your relationship.

    Tell them to cop the fúck on and then you should take a good look at whether or not this is a genuine friendship. From what you've said and from their behaviour...it really isn't.


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    #12
    Sebastien De Valmont
    Closed Accounts Posts: 54 ✭✭Sebastien De Valmont


    The ONLY reason men have "friendships" with women is because they want to **** them.

    NO OTHER REASON.


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    #13
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Well that is bullshít, complete and utter bullshít.
    Immature men may act like that but mature men do not.

    If you friends are disrespecting you in that way you need to tell them they are out of line and if they persist get better friends.


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    #14
    JimmyCrackCorn
    Registered Users Posts: 1,691 ✭✭✭JimmyCrackCorn


    Its ok to tell him clearly to knock it off.


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    #15
    Micahelxcx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 113 ✭✭Micahelxcx


    I find this hard to believe! Really!
    You have all these 'friends' coming on to you when your boyfriend's back is turned.
    Well the first thing you do is to tell your boyfriend what is happening when his back is turned. He will soon sort out the creeps from the genuine 'friends' and that should be the end of it.

    Can I ask you why you go out with all these guys. Have you any girlfriends to redress the gener balance?


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    #16
    Stu
    Closed Accounts Posts: 249 ✭✭Stu


    If any of them come onto you again, just say "but, i already have a better looking, more charming Boyfriend ..... why would i want to trade down". That should put an end to any more unwanted attention from your so called male friends.


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