In love with my best friend :(

scars22

Right this is the situation, I am in love with my best friend, it's gotten to the point that it breaks my heart when he talks about other girls, I pretend to not care or encourage him but inside i'm dying. I want him to be happy but i don't think i can be around him anymore, it hurts too much. He doesn't have a clue and I talk to him about guys I like. I was just about to distance myself from him to give myself time to get over him and then something happened in his life and he needs me more now, which means i've been spending more time with him. What shall I do?

Miss Fluff

scars22 wrote: »

I want him to be happy but i don't think i can be around him anymore, it hurts too much.

If you decide that you are ok with not being around him anymore, then you need to tell him how you feel. You simply have to. Then if it is not reciprocated and you decide to go your separate ways you will be able to put the issue to bed. At least you will have gotten it out in the open. You can't NOT tell him. In my experience, if a guy and a girl have a close friendship, oftentimes there is something deeper there. There obviously is on your part but there is a dinstint possibility that there could be on his too. I've been in this situation back in Uni. We were inseperable in first year, used to talk to each other about our love lives etc etc and one day we ended up declaring undying for each other. Weirder things have happened, you HAVE GOT TO tell him!!

Reku

scars22 wrote: »

I want him to be happy

Would being with you, in the romantic sense, not possibly make him happy? If you think he might be happy with you should you not let him know how you feel, let him decide if he thinks he could be happy with you?

scars22

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If you decide that you are ok with not being around him anymore, then you need to tell him how you feel. You simply have to. Then if it is not reciprocated and you decide to go your separate ways you will be able to put the issue to bed. At least you will have gotten it out in the open. You can't NOT tell him. In my experience, if a guy and a girl have a close friendship, oftentimes there is something deeper there. There obviously is on your part but there is a dinstint possibility that there could be on his too. I've been in this situation back in Uni. We were inseperable in first year, used to talk to each other about our love lives etc etc and one day we ended up declaring undying for each other. Weirder things have happened, you HAVE GOT TO tell him!!

I don't think I am okay with it. It's tearing me up inside. I just don't fancy the guy I'm in love with him. I'm crap at reading signals and very shy. He is also really shy. The problem is he went on holiday and got on well with a girl, he came back and we had dinner and he just told me. I felt like I had been punched in the stomack. I've always known I liked him but this was such an unbearable feeling. He walked me to the bus stop and I ewnt home and cried. I couldn't be around him if he started going out with someone else. It hurts way too much. He recently told me he isn't in love with his ex anymore, he was in love with her for our entire friendship, we have know each other two years. I was also in love with my ex and heartbroken so we hit it off. Altho I never really mentioned my ex too him. I got drunk recently and texted him and said I love you and he replied straight away and said I love you too. But I know he just means it as a friend.

Reku wrote: »

Would being with you, in the romantic sense, not possibly make him happy? If you think he might be happy with you should you not let him know how you feel, let him decide if he thinks he could be happy with you?

His way too good for me. I just don't feel I am good enough for him and I love him that much that I do want to see him happy but not sure I can cope being around him if he is in love with someone else. I am seeing him this weekend.

Reku

scars22 wrote: »

I don't think I am okay with it. It's tearing me up inside. I just don't fancy the guy I'm in love with him. I'm crap at reading signals and very shy. He is also really shy. The problem is he went on holiday and got on well with a girl, he came back and we had dinner and he just told me. I felt like I had been punched in the stomack. I've always known I liked him but this was such an unbearable feeling. He walked me to the bus stop and I ewnt home and cried. I couldn't be around him if he started going out with someone else. It hurts way too much. He recently told me he isn't in love with his ex anymore, he was in love with her for our entire friendship, we have know each other two years. I was also in love with my ex and heartbroken so we hit it off. Altho I never really mentioned my ex too him. I got drunk recently and texted him and said I love you and he replied straight away and said I love you too. But I know he just means it as a friend.

Maybe, maybe not....
Considering your other thread & you say you're quite shy, it's not unreasonable to guess that you probably also have low self esteem, he may think more highly of you than you do.

scars22 wrote: »

His way too good for me. I just don't feel I am good enough for him and I love him that much that I do want to see him happy but not sure I can cope being around him if he is in love with someone else. I am seeing him this weekend.

Having studied some psychology I'm aware that one of the factors that comes into play regarding people we chose as friends is the perceived benefit from the friendship vs. the percieved cost in maintaining it, as such he must feel that he gains something from your friendship, can you be sure he doesn't wonder if he might benefit even more were you both more then just close friends? As long as he continues to think there's no hope for that he'll continue looking elsewhere though.


More to the point; is it better to keep feeling this way about him whilst some part of you is clinging to the hope that he'll declare his feelings for you or would it be easier to start to let go if you know he doesn't feel the same and so there's no hope for your love? I know it seems harsh but if you let go of all hope of anything happening it will make it easier to move on, hopefully without having to end your friendship.:(

LegacyUser

I'm in the exact same situation, I too am in love with my best friend. we met each other in leaving cert and have been such close friend for the past 2 years. We're together like all the time, everyone thought we were a couple which killed me as we weren't. Anyway he did like me or so he says when we first met but I wasn't ready to enter a relationship at that time. I've told him twice how much I love him when I was drunk (bad idea) it came out all wrong and I scared him off. He now doesn't feel the same about me as I do about him which is a shame as it's eating me alive. I want him so much, I keep telling myself that i'm not good enough for him as he's very good looking and really bright. We still are as good friends as ever, the last day he even said straight to my face, "i love you" in the friendship way tho. It made me smile but at the same time I wanted to cry. I'd highly advise you to just tell him and see from there. If it works out then great, if not well you can go back to being friends but from my experience I'm living with heart clenching pain every single day I see him which is awful. People have noticed a change in my character, i'm not as playful or relaxed as I used to be and I feel I'm being very needy and controlling over my best friend (always sending texts and not getting replys and stuff). In my opinion if he doesn't love you back you may have to withdraw yourself from him just for a little while (no contact) and see what he does. After all absence makes the heart grow fonder. Just brace yourself for the worst.

Taltos

OP

this is going to be hard for you but - you have to tell him you have strong feelings for him.
Try not to use the love word out of the gate - but tell him.

Scenario 1. You tell him - you get together - it might / might not work. You get on with your life.
Scenario 2. You don't tell him - you stay friends - and you get torn up inside when he does meet someone for real...
Scenario 3. You don't tell him - you break contact - maybe for years to come you wonder what if....
Scenario 4. You tell him - you don't get together - you may or may not stay in contact - but you know what - in years to come you can be proud you took the risk.

4 - does not always work.
It has worked though for me twice in my life.
1st time - had a brief and bright relationship with an amazing woman.
2nd time - still with this woman. She too was into me - but was too shy - had in fact given up on me ever making the move and was moving on emotionally.... Nearly blew it big time by being afraid to act.

The times I did not act - 1 in particular - years later - even though I am happily married - still eats me up when I am low. Especially as I gave out all the signals that I couldn't stand her. Used to make faces when she came to class etc. A few years later she asked me why I did that - and I bricked it - could not tell her. Tried to call her a few days later - and despite her answering the phone I just couldn't talk - gave up after my 2nd call - and have regretted it ever since. Still feel like sh1t at how I treated her - well when I feel low that is - if you know what I mean.

Regret is the silent enemy - don't let shyness or uncertainty make you miss an opportunity.

Sebastien De Valmont

This guy is using the classic - bait, hook, reel and release.

He like a cat playing with a mouse.

He's seeing lots of girls and you are just one more girl.

He knows you are jealous as hell and he's playing it cute keeping you interested.

If you want him you have to move fast because he has lots more options to choose from if you don't.

You have to take the risk that he's not going to see other girls behind your back.

You have to play him at his own game by waving the guys you are going out with in his face and making him jealous.

Play hardball because he certainly is!

Rinker

Just a thought. You say he is shy also. Instead of telling him how you feel straight out and risk one or both of you feeling very uncomfortable why not try something else. Next time you meet drop some clues in terms of body language, hand touching and make it very easy for him to make a move if he wants to. It may be that he feels exactly the same as you and this may be a good way to find out. Worth a try?;)

scars22

unregistered wrote: »

I'm in the exact same situation, I too am in love with my best friend. we met each other in leaving cert and have been such close friend for the past 2 years. We're together like all the time, everyone thought we were a couple which killed me as we weren't. Anyway he did like me or so he says when we first met but I wasn't ready to enter a relationship at that time. I've told him twice how much I love him when I was drunk (bad idea) it came out all wrong and I scared him off. He now doesn't feel the same about me as I do about him which is a shame as it's eating me alive. I want him so much, I keep telling myself that i'm not good enough for him as he's very good looking and really bright. We still are as good friends as ever, the last day he even said straight to my face, "i love you" in the friendship way tho. It made me smile but at the same time I wanted to cry. I'd highly advise you to just tell him and see from there. If it works out then great, if not well you can go back to being friends but from my experience I'm living with heart clenching pain every single day I see him which is awful. People have noticed a change in my character, i'm not as playful or relaxed as I used to be and I feel I'm being very needy and controlling over my best friend (always sending texts and not getting replys and stuff). In my opinion if he doesn't love you back you may have to withdraw yourself from him just for a little while (no contact) and see what he does. After all absence makes the heart grow fonder. Just brace yourself for the worst.

Taltos wrote: »

OP

this is going to be hard for you but - you have to tell him you have strong feelings for him.
Try not to use the love word out of the gate - but tell him.

Scenario 1. You tell him - you get together - it might / might not work. You get on with your life.
Scenario 2. You don't tell him - you stay friends - and you get torn up inside when he does meet someone for real...
Scenario 3. You don't tell him - you break contact - maybe for years to come you wonder what if....
Scenario 4. You tell him - you don't get together - you may or may not stay in contact - but you know what - in years to come you can be proud you took the risk.

4 - does not always work.
It has worked though for me twice in my life.
1st time - had a brief and bright relationship with an amazing woman.
2nd time - still with this woman. She too was into me - but was too shy - had in fact given up on me ever making the move and was moving on emotionally.... Nearly blew it big time by being afraid to act.

The times I did not act - 1 in particular - years later - even though I am happily married - still eats me up when I am low. Especially as I gave out all the signals that I couldn't stand her. Used to make faces when she came to class etc. A few years later she asked me why I did that - and I bricked it - could not tell her. Tried to call her a few days later - and despite her answering the phone I just couldn't talk - gave up after my 2nd call - and have regretted it ever since. Still feel like sh1t at how I treated her - well when I feel low that is - if you know what I mean.

Regret is the silent enemy - don't let shyness or uncertainty make you miss an opportunity.

Sebastien De Valmont wrote: »

This guy is using the classic - bait, hook, reel and release.

He like a cat playing with a mouse.

He's seeing lots of girls and you are just one more girl.

He knows you are jealous as hell and he's playing it cute keeping you interested.

If you want him you have to move fast because he has lots more options to choose from if you don't.

You have to take the risk that he's not going to see other girls behind your back.

You have to play him at his own game by waving the guys you are going out with in his face and making him jealous.

Play hardball because he certainly is!

Rinker wrote: »

Just a thought. You say he is shy also. Instead of telling him how you feel straight out and risk one or both of you feeling very uncomfortable why not try something else. Next time you meet drop some clues in terms of body language, hand touching and make it very easy for him to make a move if he wants to. It may be that he feels exactly the same as you and this may be a good way to find out. Worth a try?;)

Thanks for all the advice. his defo not a player. hasn[t had a girlfriend in years and doesn't lead girls on. Sometimes when u like someone u can created signals. maybe thats what I am doing? wishful thinking. It doesn't mean anything when a friend says I love you. I'm spending this weekend with him. maybe i'll test the water. But how? without being all over him? What can i say or do that could easily be backtracked if his reaction is bad??

Miss Fluff

Have a few drinks together. Not saying to get sh1t-faced and start crying and have a

youaretotallyamazingIamsomadaboutyouanditsnothedrinktalkingyouareabigride

kind of conversation but get a little tipsy to oil the whole wheels and maybe steer the conversation to as yet unchartered waters around the Land of Flirt. Touch him a little more than you normally would, flick your hair, sit that little bit closer to him, touch his leg/arm etc. Boys can be a bit thick as well so no harm being a bit obvious without going OTT and you can still save face by using the excuse of being a teeny bit merry. Just don't overdo the booze.

scars22

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Have a few drinks together. Not saying to get sh1t-faced and start crying and have a

youaretotallyamazingIamsomadaboutyouanditsnothedrinktalkingyouareabigride

kind of conversation but get a little tipsy to oil the whole wheels and maybe steer the conversation to as yet unchartered waters around the Land of Flirt. Touch him a little more than you normally would, flick your hair, sit that little bit closer to him, touch his leg/arm etc. Boys can be a bit thick as well so no harm being a bit obvious without going OTT and you can still save face by using the excuse of being a teeny bit merry. Just don't overdo the booze.

Neither of us drink!!!

Auldloon

Miss Fluff wrote: »

youaretotallyamazingIamsomadaboutyouanditsnothedrinktalkingyouareabigride

Its a shame ye don't drink as that's the best advise. All in one word also:)

LegacyUser

Hi Op, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. He and I had been great friends for a few years but we never talked about anything more so I had no idea how he felt. Then one day he just said very matter of factly - you and I get a long so well, why have we never tried to see if we could make it work as a couple. Turns out we both had feelings for each other. We did date for a bit and it didn't work out - but after a cooling off period we maintained our friendship and I went to his wedding last year. He is still a great guy, and a good friend and I am so glad that we did give it a go otherwise I would have wondered forever what if?

AnonMous

I think you should definitely tell him how you feel Op.

They say the best relationship is when the couple are best friends with each other so you already have that element of it.

From my own experience, not telling someone how I feel is the single biggest regret of my life and now it is too late to tell them.

I wish you luck

Handsome Bob

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Boys can be a bit thick as well so no harm being a bit obvious without going OTT and you can still save face by using the excuse of being a teeny bit merry.

It's true unfortunately OP, we are at times clueless or can pick up on a minor detail and assume that you're not interested.

trio

OP be careful. This happened to me - I never said anything because I knew 100% that he didn't see me in that light.

Not being down on myself, but I just *knew* he didn't want me. I think he saw me as one of the guys. Even when I'd get all dolled up for a party he'd say "You scrub up well!" but not in a lingering way - his tone was the same as if I'd been his sister.

I'd see the way he twinkled at girls he did fancy - whole different ballgame.

Anyway, I never said anything. But I never reduced contact either - I was a masochist I suppose. And of course a best friend is hard to contemplate not being around. So I just got more and more depressed.

It really did a number on me. I would be in clubs with our gang and force myself to chat to other blokes, but the only thought in my poor head would be "Where is he? Is he chatting up some girl? Is he nearby? Is he watching? Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease let me just once turn around and see jealousy on his face".

But it never happened. And I'd feel as low as it was possible to feel.

Take my advice OP, don't turn into a masochist like I did. Start reducing contact - only once a week. Don't text him daily as if he's one of your girlfriends. Don't go out for one-on-one outings as if he's your girlfriend. And try to see him exclusively in a gang of other friends.

Seeing him is torture. So limit it as much as you can. If he notices the new change, just say you're really busy and knackered all the time and you'll see him on Friday with the others.

I found, oddly, that when my friend moved away to Australia that I got over it quick enough. It was seeing him all the time that was perpetuating it.

LegacyUser

This is really not a nice situation to be in, I'm in the same position. You have to tell the person no matter what or you'll regret it, it shouldn't affect the friendship too much if they don't feel the same. In my experience things didn't go well, my best friend literally was my other half, the only person who actually got me. One night recently we got drunk and everything came out, he said I was firmly in the 'Friend-zone' and wanted to stay best friends. Also I've to put up with him getting with some of my other friends everytime I go out which is really hard to do. He said he's a bit of a loner and felt like he was depending on me too much so he wanted to stand on his own two feet, also he said that he feels he will never be in a loving commiting relationship as that's not him, just flings will do. I didn't get this and flipped out and embarrassed myself. He doesn't like the idea of anybody loving or depending on him as he wou;d feel tied down. I'm going through unimaginable heartbreak now but our friendship has never been stronger although that's bittersweet as it's prolonging the heartache as I see him eveyday. If you tell this person don't expect things to turn out for the better as more than likely thay won't and it will hurt but I think we all have to go through this type of thing once so we really know that feelings are not to be played with. Just tell the person and see from there that's all there is to it.