A short story (around 1000 words)

Orion101

Hi all. Interested to see what you make of this. First of four linked short stories. Thanks for reading.

Mod edit: story text redacted as per OP's request

angelll

In general i liked it but it was very hard to read,i almost had to get the dictionary out! Or maybe that's a good thing....I'd like to read more anyway. One thing i will say is that his name seems to be mentioned too often in a couple of paragraphs.

The Mad Hatter

I liked it, but I felt the last paragraph pulled me out of it a little bit. There's no sense anywhere else in the story that we are listening to a narrator (particularly that someone is talking to us), so I suppose you could put in some sense of that in earlier paragraphs, unless you were going for something specific that I've missed.

And who is the narrator? God? Fate? Christopher's philosophy lecturer?

One other thing: In the first paragraph, you say "A smudged wine glass lilted gently in his hand. As usual, it was filled half to the brim with cheap merlot, a humble offering of passage to the gate of sleep's keeper."

Lilting is a sound, so the glass won't be doing that unless he's running his finger around it, in which case it's not really clear that that's what he's doing. Also, why "filled half to the brim" - there's no other half in a wine glass.

Why not something like "A smudged wine glass, half-full of cheap merlot, turned gently in his hand; a humble offering of passage to the gate of sleep's keeper."

cobsie

Seems like you're going for a Gothic kind of style - quite German in the mixing of philosophy into the narrative. Have you ever read Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe?

I liked the atmosphere that you build up, the sort of manic state of mind of your protagonist. I like the way the buildings of the university are given a lot of presence in the story and how that builds on the theme.

My only useful criticism would be to rake through the text one more time and take out one descriptor from every sentence. Some phrases are a bit overloaded.

Look forward to the next stories!

Orion101

angelll wrote: »

In general i liked it but it was very hard to read,i almost had to get the dictionary out! Or maybe that's a good thing....I'd like to read more anyway.

Do you mind me asking which paragraphs you thought could do with trimming?

angelll wrote: »

One thing i will say is that his name seems to be mentioned too often in a couple of paragraphs.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Thanks for the suggestions!

Orion101

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

I liked it, but I felt the last paragraph pulled me out of it a little bit. There's no sense anywhere else in the story that we are listening to a narrator (particularly that someone is talking to us), so I suppose you could put in some sense of that in earlier paragraphs, unless you were going for something specific that I've missed.

The narrator is the link between the stories and I'm trying to gradually introduce him/her/it. By the end of the second story you should be able to make a pretty good guess at the narrator's nature. In the third you can see how the narrator does what it does. The fourth will look at the narrator's origins and motivations, although I'm still working on some of the details.

I think what I was trying to do with the late introduction was to startle the reader. You know if someone is in a room with you and you don't notice them - you tend to jump when you see/hear them. Not sure if this works though.

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

And who is the narrator? God? Fate? Christopher's philosophy lecturer?

It's nothing revolutionary, but you'll have to wait to find out!

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

One other thing: In the first paragraph, you say "A smudged wine glass lilted gently in his hand. As usual, it was filled half to the brim with cheap merlot, a humble offering of passage to the gate of sleep's keeper."

Lilting is a sound, so the glass won't be doing that unless he's running his finger around it, in which case it's not really clear that that's what he's doing. Also, why "filled half to the brim" - there's no other half in a wine glass.

Why not something like "A smudged wine glass, half-full of cheap merlot, turned gently in his hand; a humble offering of passage to the gate of sleep's keeper."

A good suggestion. Thanks a lot for the feedback.

Orion101

cobsie wrote: »

Seems like you're going for a Gothic kind of style - quite German in the mixing of philosophy into the narrative. Have you ever read Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe?

Can't say I ever have - I'll take a look.

cobsie wrote: »

I liked the atmosphere that you build up, the sort of manic state of mind of your protagonist. I like the way the buildings of the university are given a lot of presence in the story and how that builds on the theme.

My only useful criticism would be to rake through the text one more time and take out one descriptor from every sentence. Some phrases are a bit overloaded.

Look forward to the next stories!

Heh, I've done so much of that already. Feels like i'm cutting off a finger each time : ) All the same, I think you are right. Thanks for taking the time

Orion101

Mod edit: story text redacted as per OP's request

angelll

A few things

From 1908-1997 it was university college galway.

Why did he not enroll in trinity?

How did he know german?

Why would adolf hitler get involved with him?

Why the backstory of his best friend?

Darkling guiness? What is that?

Orion101

angelll wrote: »

A few things

From 1908-1997 it was university college galway. - thanks!

Why did he not enroll in trinity? - he couldn't - this is a clue

How did he know german? - the narrator can speak many tongues

Why would adolf hitler get involved with him? - he doesn't have a choice or perhaps it is somehow advantagous to both - also a clue to the narrator's nature

Why the backstory of his best friend? - both the incidents suggest that Garret's flaw is pride - he's boasting about how much he can eat as a child and regurgitating lines he heard his lecturer say in college to pretend he knows more than he does - and for some reason the narrator likes him for this

Darkling guiness? What is that? - thanks - missed this one - corrected now

Thanks for your help

angelll

Right,you see i didn't get that he was a supernatural entity....because he grew up. He was young when he met his friend wasn't he,surely they would notice if he hadn't shown signs of aging in 12 years...or maybe he does age?
I thought the blow to the head didn't need any supernatural force,it can happen from just an ordinary punch unfortunately as has happened quite a lot in ireland in recent years...

dawvee

I enjoyed it. It seemed clear enough to me that the narrator is supernatural - specifically non-corporeal. I think the tipping point is the 'mysterious force' that guides the farmers head to the bar stool. It's the narrator, and he so much as admits the fact by mentioning the claims and then dismissing them in the same breath.

So he wouldn't literally age, and when he speaks of others as 'friends' it's in the sense that he knows them, but they don't necessarily know or interact with him directly. He's just some kind of malevolent spirit, like an evil muse.

But that's just how I read it.

Orion101

Yep Dawvee, you've hit the nail on the head.

angelll

Sorry orion,i see that now,i just wasn't reading it the same way...I did think the narrator was human. Completely my fault.

Orion101

I'm grateful you took the time to read the story and share your views on it. The intention behind mentioning the narrator's "youth" and "friendship" (the meanings were definitely stretched a little) was to try to get the reader to think the narrator is human for as long as possible, so you weren't that far off!

Orion101

I'd just like to say thanks for all the comments and suggestions on the part of the story posted. I decided to take it down so I could have a go at publishing it with a small mag; some magazines won't work with published material, or at least look less favourably on it.

If you'd like to help me with the remaining parts or are curious about how it ends, send me a pm and I'll send you it on.

Thanks!