Self Harm HELP

scars22

I started self harming about one year ago after a traumatic time in my life. Usually self harm happens in teenage year but I am in my 20s. I went for therpy and got help. now i rarely self harm, only under extreme stress but with the help of Therpy i have learned to deal with stress in other ways. My problem now is.. I am left with bad scars on my arms from self harm I know this is my fault and I am not looking for sympathy but I am a very private person. Nobody really knows about the self harm except my family. The scars are noticable, I usually cover up but sometimes i forget and friends notice/dates how do I explain it?? I don't want to tell them i self harm, or used to as this is quite embarrassing because i am in my 20s. I cover up most of the time but i feel like i can't get in a relationship now because of my scars .

Esoteric_

Oh man, I've been in your position with scars.

I self harmed for 3 years ("clean" for nearly 2 now) and I'm not joking when I say I have thousands of scars. I would estimate about 10,000 scars on my body because when I cut, I'd do up to 100 cuts at a time and I'd self harm every few days, adds up to thousands.

Anyway, with regards to the scars, I have them pretty much all over but the only visible places I have them is one arm and my thighs. With regards to my arms, I pass them off as cat scratches because I only have about 10 on my arms. as for the ones on my legs that are a lot worse, I told people that my sister smashed a lamp on my legs during a childhood fight. You'd be surprised at how many people believe this. The only people that know about my self harm in real life are my closest friends, family and boyfriend.

As for the dating side of things, I was upfront about it (I'm in my 20s too, by the way). I only stopped self harming a week before I started dating my current partner 2 years ago. We slept together after only a few days, so I still had scabbed cuts on my legs. I told him out straight that I used to self harm when I was going through a bad time and I stopped. He accepted it and told me that my scars just showed that I had a past and didn't alter my beauty. It was never an issue with him.

If you are upfront about it, sure a few people won't be interested anymore, but the people who stick with you regardless are the people that are better for you in the long term. I know there's a stigma attached to self harm, especially with the whole "fashion" trend that Amy Winehouse started that has a lot of kids doing it, but by speaking up and being honest, you're squashing the stigma. Any sensible person will accept that you used to have a bad problem but you had the guts to speak up, get help and get better.

Reku

Most of my front upper torso and shoulders are riddled with scars, along with a fair number on my arms and legs (being male leg hair ensures the ones on my legs are unlikely to be noticed though:p). Usually people don't seem to take note, even when they're all on show for swimming, either that or just aren't comfortable enquiring about them, if someone does ask you can always lie but depending on how they look and where they are you'll need to use different stories;

• around the joints/belly they could be stretch marks
• animal scratches from a pet
• you fell as a child (scars from when you were a child can grow with the rest of your body making them look more severe than they actually were)

just keep it brief and non-descript and they probably won't enquire further and you're less likely to say something they find "fishy".

Above all else though you should keep in mind that if someone will write you off just because of it they're not worth worrying about.

scars22

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Oh man, I've been in your position with scars.

I self harmed for 3 years ("clean" for nearly 2 now) and I'm not joking when I say I have thousands of scars. I would estimate about 10,000 scars on my body because when I cut, I'd do up to 100 cuts at a time and I'd self harm every few days, adds up to thousands.

Anyway, with regards to the scars, I have them pretty much all over but the only visible places I have them is one arm and my thighs. With regards to my arms, I pass them off as cat scratches because I only have about 10 on my arms. as for the ones on my legs that are a lot worse, I told people that my sister smashed a lamp on my legs during a childhood fight. You'd be surprised at how many people believe this. The only people that know about my self harm in real life are my closest friends, family and boyfriend.

As for the dating side of things, I was upfront about it (I'm in my 20s too, by the way). I only stopped self harming a week before I started dating my current partner 2 years ago. We slept together after only a few days, so I still had scabbed cuts on my legs. I told him out straight that I used to self harm when I was going through a bad time and I stopped. He accepted it and told me that my scars just showed that I had a past and didn't alter my beauty. It was never an issue with him.

If you are upfront about it, sure a few people won't be interested anymore, but the people who stick with you regardless are the people that are better for you in the long term. I know there's a stigma attached to self harm, especially with the whole "fashion" trend that Amy Winehouse started that has a lot of kids doing it, but by speaking up and being honest, you're squashing the stigma. Any sensible person will accept that you used to have a bad problem but you had the guts to speak up, get help and get better.

Reku wrote: »

Most of my front upper torso and shoulders are riddled with scars, along with a fair number on my arms and legs (being male leg hair ensures the ones on my legs are unlikely to be noticed though:p). Usually people don't seem to take note, even when they're all on show for swimming, either that or just aren't comfortable enquiring about them, if someone does ask you can always lie but depending on how they look and where they are you'll need to use different stories;

• around the joints/belly they could be stretch marks
• animal scratches from a pet
• you fell as a child (scars from when you were a child can grow with the rest of your body making them look more severe than they actually were)

just keep it brief and non-descript and they probably won't enquire further and you're less likely to say something they find "fishy".

Above all else though you should keep in mind that if someone will write you off just because of it they're not worth worrying about.

It's nice too know someone else has been in the same situation. I have been asked about it but just changed the conversation. It's not so much the scars but the fact that they show I have/had problems with self harm and then the reason why I self harmed. I feel as if I have to explain it and i am such a private person. If I am really close to someone I guess I am just best being honest.

Esoteric_

I understand that. My youngest sister is too young to know where my scars came from and when she saw them one day in a swimming pool I had to make excuses. The lamp thing really works for me. You're right to not want to tell people you're not close too, I only tell people close to me.But anyway, cat scratches, childhood accident or something smashing over the area you're scarred. Those excuses always work for me.

Reku

scars22 wrote: »

It's nice too know someone else has been in the same situation. I have been asked about it but just changed the conversation. It's not so much the scars but the fact that they show I have/had problems with self harm and then the reason why I self harmed. I feel as if I have to explain it and i am such a private person. If I am really close to someone I guess I am just best being honest.

I've encountered quite a few people who have admitted to self harm of one form or another, so you're far from the only person in this situation I'd say, though obviously it'll vary from person to person as to the level of scarring, based upon the sevarity of wounds, number and the period over which they do it.
There are worse ways you could've dealt with your problems, you could be someone who turns to substance abuse (damages both body and mind) to deal with things.
As for those who ask about them; would you answer someone you've just met if they asked about your bedroom antics/sexual history? Each of us has different things we consider more private and so only share with those who've earned it, you shouldn't feel any need to justify not being open about it to people you're not that close to. Yes others may make their own assumptions as to the answers to questions you don't answer for them but that's down to them.

scars22

Reku wrote: »

I've encountered quite a few people who have admitted to self harm of one form or another, so you're far from the only person in this situation I'd say, though obviously it'll vary from person to person as to the level of scarring, based upon the sevarity of wounds, number and the period over which they do it.
There are worse ways you could've dealt with your problems, you could be someone who turns to substance abuse (damages both body and mind) to deal with things.
As for those who ask about them; would you answer someone you've just met if they asked about your bedroom antics/sexual history? Each of us has different things we consider more private and so only share with those who've earned it, you shouldn't feel any need to justify not being open about it to people you're not that close to. Yes others may make their own assumptions as to the answers to questions you don't answer for them but that's down to them.

This is very true. I feel alot more confident about not saying if I don't want to or saying if I do. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, who does it/has scars and maybe more people come across it than i orignal thought. thanks

steddyeddy

scars22 wrote: »

This is very true. I feel alot more confident about not saying if I don't want to or saying if I do. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, who does it/has scars and maybe more people come across it than i orignal thought. thanks

i have a scar from abuse on my neck, its a hypertrophic scar so it is noticable but ive been using cocoa butter and mderma gel and found them both to help considerable