Loving the wrong person

LegacyUser

Okay so this might be a long one - advance apologies.

I'm 24. Female. Confused. For as long as I can remember I've been confused. I'll try to make sense of it - bear with me.

I'm in love with my housemate. She's 26 and she's my best friend. I'm her best friend. We just clicked and were pretty much inseperable. Then she started seeing someone and the jealousy I'm feeling is unreal. I definately have feelings for her, apart from anything else I have on occassion fantasised about her when I've been, eh, enjoying my own company. Every waking minute I spend thinking about her. I know she'll never feel the same way about me - she's truely in love with her new beau. Who, by the way, is totally wrong for her - and that's not me saying it, it's everyone.

I'm in a situation though. Firstly, she has no idea how I'm feeling. Secondly, she is being an absolute bitch to me at the minute, constantly cancelling plans (to be with him), ignoring me, making me feel bad, inviting him along to things we'd planned together... she's said to me that she's under a lot of stress - she is, I understand what she's going through - her parents don't approve of her new man (he really is wrong for her!), everyone in work is talking about her and the new guy, she's got stuff with her family, and she's got some really tight deadlines in work. She also said that because of her stress, she is neglecting me, and that she knows she's being a bitch, but to stick with her and that when things calmed down that we'd be okay, that "you always hurt the people who are closest to you without meaning it", and that she's sorry.

I'm her only friend. Well pretty much. She has nobody else to talk to and she's going through a rough time, so it wouldn't be a good time for me to turn around and tell her I don't want to live with her anymore - because I don't. I am madly in love with her so seeing her every day doesn't help, plus her crap treatment of me is making me feel worse and worse about myself every day... I need out, but because of my feelings for her, I can't abandon her in her time of need, even though it's exactly what she's doing to me at the minute.

I was in a relationship (with a guy) recently that ended because I couldn't like him as much as I like her so it wasn't fair on him.

I'm confused about my sexuality. I love being with guys, but the (limited) experience I've had with girls has shown me that I also love being with girls, and I'd say with a gun to my head if I was forced to choose I'd go for the girl.

But I can't tell anyone! Firstly, I don't have feelings for many girls - I can share a bed with other female friends and feel nothing, I don't want that to change by me telling people! I can't tell my team-mates - they'll be afraid to change around me, even though hand on my heart I wouldn't do a single one of them! I can't tell people I work with, I can't tell my family, I can't tell anyone.

I need to talk to someone about my confusion - what are my options? There's an openly gay woman in work - would it be inappropriate for me to ask her opinion? Like how do I know if I'm gay or not?! I've a few gay friends who know my confusion but I live far away from them (they're not even in Ireland!) so talking to them is kind of difficult.

Who can I talk to?!

Sorry for the confusing post, I'm just... confused!

baby and crumble

Well, first off, well done on posting. Even writing this kind of stuff down can be hard, so kudos!

Secondly, and I think a fair few people on here will agree, that being in love with a straight best mate/ housemate happens a heck of a lot more than you'd think, so you really aren't alone. i reckon we've all been there. I know I have. :rolleyes:

the one thing you need to remember though, is that she's straight, from all accounts, and has no idea what you're feeling. Should you tell her? I wouldn't, but that's just one opinion. Hey, even if she is attracted to women, she's in a relationship, and certainly for me that instantly means out of bounds, even if the guy's a douche.

I can share a bed with other female friends and feel nothing

.

me too. doesn't make me any less gay though.

I don't know this woman in work, and I don't know how close you guys are... In my office if one of the other girls came up and starting talking to me about possibly being gay, I'd be fine with it, but then we're all very good friends in my place, so I don't know if that'd ring true for you.

There are loads of people you can talk to, even if you don't know them yet. This lady in work, your friends who are abroad (yay skype & email!), people on here, other bisexual & gay groups in ireland... (Others might be better able to point you in that direction, I don't go much in for the social groups on the scene). hell, you could come to Pride this weekend, you never know what;d happen! And this year especially I get the feeling pride isn't just for 'teh gays', it's a very inclusive schedule this year and the city seems to be embracing it more than ever, not sure if t hat's just me though... I guess what I mean is, it's not weird to go to pride, but it can be a bit overwhelming. Just an idea though.

i think really you need to look after yourself right now- your friend seems to be abandoning you a bit, and while I could understand her candour, she's still being a bit of a bitch- acknowledging it doesn't make it not hurt. If you're uncomfortable living with someone, that's a big clue, if you ask me. And really, sometimes it's far easier to be friends with someone when you're NOT living with them. Moving out might just be the best thing for your friendship.

Just my 2c though...

Beruthiel

unrequited wrote: »

so it wouldn't be a good time for me to turn around and tell her I don't want to live with her anymore - because I don't.

At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself first. Yes, it might be upsetting for her to have you move out, but for your own mental health you need to.
Seeing her every day and feeling as you do will eventually drive you crazy.
It's already melting your head, it's not going to get any better.
Tell her that you have come to a place in your life where you need some space.

I can't abandon her in her time of need, even though it's exactly what she's doing to me at the minute.

Stand back and see that. The b/f comes first. You will always take a back seat. Considering that, there is no need to be putting yourself through all this pain.

I need to talk to someone about my confusion - what are my options? There's an openly gay woman in work - would it be inappropriate for me to ask her opinion?

I don't think you should. Involving someone you work with could become very tricky.
I'd suggest talking to a professional.

claire h

unrequited wrote: »

I'm her only friend. Well pretty much. She has nobody else to talk to and she's going through a rough time, so it wouldn't be a good time for me to turn around and tell her I don't want to live with her anymore - because I don't. I am madly in love with her so seeing her every day doesn't help, plus her crap treatment of me is making me feel worse and worse about myself every day... I need out, but because of my feelings for her, I can't abandon her in her time of need, even though it's exactly what she's doing to me at the minute.

I agree with what others have said about moving out - it sounds like a really intense and upsetting situation and you have to think about yourself first, regardless of your feelings for her. She's treating you badly, and even if there are reasons for it, that doesn't mean you have to or should put up with the bad behaviour. She's talking about how she's under a lot of stress - well, it seems that you are too, you know?

At the risk of stating the obvious, bisexuality does exist. It seems like you're confused because you're trying to decide whether you're definitively gay or straight - when neither of those labels might be appropriate. It might be the case that you're mostly attracted to men but sometimes to women, or vice-versa, or that you're pickier about one sex, or... whatever. For most people, the one-word label for their sexuality is a sweeping generalisation - e.g. to say someone's straight doesn't mean that they're equally attracted to all members of the opposite sex, not by a long shot.

I think it's definitely worth talking to the friends abroad, first off, if you can manage email, skype etc. And also look into groups/professional help if it is still wrecking your head a bit.

roxy82

well firstly regarding your confusion, as Claire said, don't stress too much on trying to put a label on yourself. Talking to someone about your situation would help. I wouldn't bring it up with the woman at work unless you were actually friends, but definitely skype and email those friends of yours.

I have been confused half my life haha at 28 have only just become comfortable with being attracted to both women and men. I have never spoken to anybody about this, and not sure I will unless I have to. I do wish I had somebody to talk to about this, but it just hasn't happened yet, although I wouldn't rule out speaking to a friend about it at some point.

The one person who I would like to tell the most is the one person I cant, because like you I have totally fallen for her, and she is my best friend. We are so close and do everything together. She has a long term boyfriend and is def not into women. I know if I told her I was bisexual she might be a bit wierded out and things might change between us. It's really difficult for me because she's always saying Im hot and stuff and anytime we are out and she has a few drinks in her she will plant one on me, right on the lips, in my head Im thinking OMG i just want to jump your bones right now!! haha.

Obviously you are in a more difficult situations as you live with this girl and at the moment she is treating you like crap. This would be bad enough if it was just a friend doing this, but the fact you are in love with this girl is making you feel even worse. Definitely you need to look after yourself, and moving out is something you need to do before it starts to get worse. It can't be easy dealing with those feelings when you are living with the girl, and the jealousy you feel when she is with her boyfriend will drive you mad!!

mollzer

Been there, done that. Your post is so familiar to mine, and am sure many others. Its so hard to have such strong feelings for a best friend, I know because I think I spent years loving mine from afar, reading into everything she said to me, esp anything I could get double meanings out of!

I never did tell her how I felt, and am so grateful I never did! I came sooo close a few times, but dont regret it for one minute.

Confusion is such a b*tch sometimes, but unrequited love is worse, no matter what sexuality label we give ourselves.

Talk to someone who has a similar story as yours, and I agree with the others here, dont approach this other woman at work unless you know her well.
Are you in Dublin by any chance? if so there are loads of willing people who you can chat with. pm me for some details if you want.

LegacyUser

Like the others...I have been there too.
Quiet recently I told my male gay friend (Im female) , I liked him, and in my head I thought he may have feelings for me too...I mean all my friends thought he liked me a bit to much..and most of the calls, texts nights out where intiated by him. he stayed in mine nearly every night, and flirted with me like crazy!!!!but I was wrong... he said no I dont feel the same, I love you...but not in that way...it was horrible to hear...and if I could go back I would...I felt so crap in myself...but what helps is I keep reminding myself he is gay its not my fault...and it does help...I still think what if etc etc...but things will never change.
I am not saying you shouldnt say anything, thats is totally up to you...but if she is with a guy right now you need to back away for your own sanity...it hurts like hell I know, but you will never move on...
I think the move would be the best option right now...
anyway best of luck.

katie99

Forget about her. She's not Bi like you, and she has a boyfriend. Ignore what people say about him and his suitability for her. She likes him and he likes her that's all that counts.

For you though this is a crush. You will get over it. It is not good for you to be depending on her for your social life and sexual outlet. Go out with other friends. Distance yourself from her.

She has put her bf ahead of you that says it all.
You CANT have her. She is NOT for you, move on.

Hersheys

Decided to register, makes life a hell of a lot easier...

Firstly, thanks for all of the replies. I will repond now

Yep, am defo bi, but not too keen on people in the real world knowing that just yet. I've known that I'm bi for ages, but I'm just wondering if maybe I'm gay - the feelings I have for this girl are unreal, like nothing I've ever experienced before, and since I've started having these feelings, looking at anyone else is just impossible... I've been in a few relationships, but nothing compares to just sitting chatting to her.

Yep, head over heels.

And the bigger problem - we work in the same place, her boyfriend works in the same place... So even if I was to move out I'd still have to see her, and would still see her every day so that would solve nothing. That would cause more problems in our (pretty much non-existant at the minute) friendship. She still needs me, but doesn't seem to realise that I need her. I'm going through a lot of stress in real life at the minute and need to talk to someone and recently she's the only person I've been able to trust... I know I need to find someone else to talk to about stuff, I just never thought I'd fall for my best friend

I don't rely on her for my social life - in fact its the other way around, if I wasn't here she'd do feck all outside of any social life she has because of him. And I defo don't rely on her as a sexual outlet!!

I know she's putting him first - but isn't that just early stages of relationships? Should I hang in there to see if she realises how much of a twat she's being? Or am I just being stupid and hanging around just cos of my feelings?

BTW will never tell her how I feel! That would be crazy. And I'm not that brave yet to have anyone (aside from a few people!) know.
With regards to the woman in work I was thinking about talking to, we're quite close and she'd be discrete etc, but I think ye're right in saying to avoid talking to her!