What do I do?

LegacyUser

Ok, I don't know if this is the right place to post this but here goes.

I've been invited to a family wedding at the end of July. My parents are separated and both got invitations, but my dads girlfriend didn't. My dad is angry and hurt because of this and my mother isn't helping by talking about this wedding to everyone every minute of everyday.

The thing is I'm writing a thesis at the moment and it has to be handed in early August. I've not even started the first chapter yet and I want to do it properly. I'm not considering going but my mother is throwing a fit about it making me feel bad. I personally feel my thesis comes first as I only get one chance and have paid myself for my MA.

One of my brothers is going because he is coming a long way for it and it would be a chance for a holiday at home, my other brother is going. I don't know if my sister will go.

Long story short. Am I wrong in not wanting to go to this wedding? It's a month in advance and I'm already worrying about it. I just want to send the RSVP and tell my cousin I'm not going.

mood

One day really won't make a difference to you thesis. I would go but not drink so you have a clear head the next day. Sounds like your really issue is the fact that both your parents will be there.

LegacyUser

well my dad and mum are split up a long time. (them at a social function together doesn't bother me) But my dad won't end up going, because the Gf isn't going. He said that he will disown us and remember that we went against him "until his dying day", (this upsets me because I really look up to my dad and I don't want our family in tatters after this. My parents weren't ever together as long as I remember and my brothers and sisters had grown up and left the family home by the time I was old enough to remember) My mum is more concerned what the family will say.

I will have to travel down the country for this and my thesis is my main priority. My mum keeps asking "what has your thesis got to do with it?" - I feel it's important that I get it done because it will show 4 years hard work.

Taltos

Turn up for the meal - drink water or something else and slip out as soon as you can. If necessary claim stress / tiredness or a dodgy stomach - don't admit that you just couldn't face it with the thesis - seems like your mum is latching onto that and you as a target since your dad is not there to take pot shots at.

In terms of who is or not invited - stay out of it - and if asked be polite but firm - reply that it is none of your business and you have no opinion one way or the other - might get a rise out of them but sounds like a lose-lose right now.

jimmycrackcorm

I don't think you can use your thesis as an excuse unless you are working 16 hours 7 days a week. You should also tell your dad that his behavior is childish talking about dis-owning you. For all he knows they might have to restrict the number of guests due to costs...

mood

Is it a relation on your mothers side or your father side? How long is your Dad with his girlfriend? He is really unfair putting this on you. You didn't do the wedding list!

up for anything

big problem 248 wrote: »

But my dad won't end up going, because the Gf isn't going. He said that he will disown us and remember that we went against him "until his dying day"

Your dad needs a good "slap" for putting his girlfriend ahead of his children. I'm not advocating violence here. A verbal slap will do.

Your cousin probably lost good sleep over whether to invite her or not and the way it might make your mother feel regardless of how long they have been separated. Weddings are minefields.

Miss Fluff

You're only using your thesis as an excuse. If you don't want to go to the wedding then just don't go. Send your cousin a nice note and say you will be unable to make it. Don't ffs use your thesis as an excuse because that won't wash....

dudara

Wow - families never cease to amaze me. I can't believe the bride and groom omitted your father's girlfriend. Whether they like her or not, they should have invited her.

That aside, I think you're using the thesis as an excuse to avoid all this mess - TBH I don't blame you. If you don't want to go, just be honest about it.

mood

dudara wrote: »

Wow - families never cease to amaze me. I can't believe the bride and groom omitted your father's girlfriend. Whether they like her or not, they should have invited her.

That aside, I think you're using the thesis as an excuse to avoid all this mess - TBH I don't blame you. If you don't want to go, just be honest about it.

I think that depend on how long they are together. If it's only months I don't think they should have invited her. If it's years they should have. However, it could be OP mothers family in which case they will put OP mothers feelings first not her exs.

Trashbat

You don't need an excuse. If you don't want to go, dont go. My OH takes this attitude with family functions all the time and her family have learned to get over it. If your mother or father take any offence to your actions over this, then they are the one's with the problem, not you.

fungun

hmm, if this is a big problem then you havent dealt with enough problems

go/dont go whatever u want.
if your father got an invitation that didnt include '+partner' then i i were him and i wanted to bring my gf id contact the people getting married. Not your problem though.

LegacyUser

My mum and dad have been split up since I was about 7 so my dad has been with his girlfriend for about 14-15 years. The wedding is on my dads side. The gf is the reason my parents went their separate ways.

Turns out that in work I can't take that weekend off (as it's booked up) so I can't go anyway and I have a nice thank you card written out as an RSVP. I'm annoyed that my parents are acting like this. I'm ashamed particularly of my dad. It's not like him, he's usually more rationally minded. My mum always throws a fit about whatever I do!

I am an adult now. I've not been put in a position like this before and it really confused me. Atm my thesis is my priority. Finishing it means lack of stress (heaven!!) and I can work more and actually talk to my family about what has happened after this is over.

Thank you so much for your contributions! Such a difference in opinion about what I should do. Thanks !

Odaise Gaelach

OP, I would also recommend that you start your thesis as soon as possible.

Take care.