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I can't let go

  • 24-06-2010 4:32pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi All, am new to Boards so hope I'm doing this right....
    Anyway, here goes..
    Basically, boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up over 3 months ago. Havent spoken since. Which is fine and for the best.
    But my god I can't let him go. Like really. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about him. I've dreamt about him every night this week, which will show how much he's on my mind. And then of course, my first thought waking up is him.
    I have this strong feeling that we'll get back together which is annoying me because it's making it harder to move on. I know people will say I'm giving myself false hope, but believe me, I don't want to feel like this, I just want him out of my head.
    I'm so pissed off.. It's gotten to the stage where I'm angry at myself, because he's in my head constantly.
    I've been keeping busy. Working, Going out with friends, meeting new people. Have been on a few dates which went well. But nothing seems to work.
    Time is a great healer and all that but how much longer is this going to go on? I was fine for the past few weeks, still thinking about him and stuff but nothing major. Now I find myself getting upset thinking about him and pining for him.
    What am I going to do. It's like I'm still holding on or waiting for something and it's stopping me from moving on.
    It's gotten to a stage where I'm telling myself this has got to stop. But of course, you can't stop your thoughts!
    Any advice appreciated!
    Thanks guys.
    x


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am sorry to hear bout breakup, its hard god knows I know, went through the exact same thing....18 months ago!!!!!

    For the life of me there has not been one day I have not thought bout him, how pathetic is that. As you, I am going out, meeting friends, being active etc...been on dates that went well as well and yet, he is still in my freaking mind everyday!

    We had thoughout the 18 months few contacts, the first 6 months werethe hardest but for the past year a couple times really, drunk times, from him of course.

    I am also realistic its over and like you im not pinning over him, and the thoughts I get bout him are mixed but for some god damn unkown reason he is in my mind daily.

    Doesnt help we are in the same nieghborhood workwise but I swear its hell!

    I think to be honest at this point that I will get over him properly the day I meet someone that I really care about, it has to!!

    SO unfortunately I was not of much advice im a sorry, guess I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and it is not totally unusual but in some cases yes it takes A LOT of time to completely forget someone.

    All the best and good luck to you, you are officaly a member of the "get my ex out of my head club"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 170 ✭✭carmel27


    Oh God, my heart goes out to you. I went through something similar a few years back, and it was such an awful feeling. Feel a little sick just thinking about it now even. I could'nt sleep or eat for ages, which, of course, was doing me no favours either. Had no interest in anything, and used spend hrs looking at my phone, willing it to beep or ring, but only if it was him. Like you, I had this feeling that it was only a matter of time before everything would be ok, but sadly I was just deluding myself. Now, dont get me wrong. I am not, for a second, saying that you are, because I dont know the circumstances that led you to break up.

    I know you said in your post that you've been out and about, and had a few dates since, and I think thats great news. I dont think you can really put a time limit on how long it'll take you to fully get over him, esp when you were together such a long time. Personally, it took me about 8-12 months to actually admit to myself that I was coming to terms with it, and in the middle of that time, I begun a relationship with a really lovely decent guy. That was a big mistake, because I wasnt over the previous guy. In my head, I was constantly comparing them and the ex was always the one who came out on top. Therefore, Id say date away (fair play to you that you can get them!) but dont be hasty jumping into anything serious.

    Its totally natural to miss him, and you'll miss him even more around certain times of the yr that remind of him moreso than other times, such as his birthday, christmas, your anniversary etc, and its ****, but thats life:(.

    Just keep yourself busy, like you have been doing. Get out and about as much as you can. Take up a hobby. Join a gym. Plan things that you can look forward to, such as a holiday. (Planning holidays, concerts etc and looking forward to them is what gets me through life!!) Its probably no consolation now when you feel the way you do, and is totally a cliche, but time is a great healer, and the more of it that goes by, the better you'll feel. And perhaps you two will work things out, if its meant to be.

    Good Luck OP. You'll be ok:)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,269 ✭✭✭DamoKen


    OP don't think there's necessarily any time limit on how long you'll feel like this. With me it ended 2 years back and still find myself thinking about her from time to time, nothing approaching the headwrecking last thought at night, first in the morning stage though which was totally exhausting.

    I found as has been said that the intensity of missing her only really started fading after I met someone I really cared about. Slowly at first, and then more so as we gradually went from friends to more.

    Then one morning I realised that I wasn't thinking about her at all really anymore, oh she was still there in my mind, but not in a pining way, or not comparing the new girl in my life to way.

    Unfortunately about a month after we went from friends to more than friends it kind of fizzled out with the new girl.

    But... instead of having my ex occupying my thoughts 24/7 I now had a new one!

    Seriously though, even though it didn't work out with the friend, think it was the final step I needed to realise I was well and truly over my ex and finally ready to move on.

    Not saying you should throw yourself out there or anything (allowed myself to be set up on a date too soon, BIG mistake). Give yourself time to heal, it's exhausting mentally and physically I know and I truly feel for you as it's a place I don't want to go back to any time soon (hopefully never). But slowly you'll find yourself coming back, memories of you as an idividual will resurface and one day hopefully sooner rather than later you'll realise you're back to your old self. Was a bit of a revelation out driving one day and realised halfway through singing a song that was on the radio that I was back to me! :)

    Just remember, how you're feeling will pass, you'll survive it, and with any luck come out a better person. Learn from it but don't let it colour your future. Hope that makes sense


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    I was that soldier last year. There is no worse feeling. Hugs!:)

    I too found myself getting angry and frustrated with how HOPELESS I was feeling. At one stage I felt like I would never get over him and I'd never get back to myself. I was so heartbroken and like you, doing all the right things. No contact, surrounding myself with loved ones, keeping busy.

    It was a conversation with my older brother that really hit home. It was about 3 months into my heartbreak and I was crying saying I felt I'd never ever be the same again and he said that you just can't rush it and that you know you are over the person when you GENUINELY hand on heart would not take that person back.

    Healing can only happen organically and as much as you want to rush the process you can't. So I guess I had to be comfortable with my pity party for one and focus on that ultimate goal of not wanting to be with him anymore.

    A couple of months after I realised it would never have worked. If he came beating my door down now I wouldn't want to be with him. But I'll never forget the heartbreak, even thinking of it now and how I felt so desolate for those months makes me sad :(

    So essentially what I am saying is that of course you will get over him m'dear. You absolutely will. But you can't rush the process. The moment you accept that, you are well on your way to feeling better.

    You will be FINE. Promise xx


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Hey OP,

    It might help to look at the situation as you are grieving for a relationship - and like grieving for anything it can take a long time to move through the various stages before it becomes easier to deal with. Three months is not a long time, you will move on quicker if rather than getting angry with yourself and frustrated you allow yourself to get upset, cry, get angry, and do whatever it is you need to do for however long you need to do it.

    Best of luck.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks so much for all the replies :)

    Nice to know I'm not the only one. Thought I was going a bit mad to be honest!
    But like you all have said, this will pass and it will take time, there's no quick fix.
    Feeling a bit better too having got all that off my chest, I really felt like I would explode!

    You're all so good taking your time to read and respond with your own stories, very much appreciated!

    Need to stop focusing on what he's doing with his life and more on where I'm going with mine! Chin up from now on me thinks.

    Thanks again x


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey,

    Don't worry i'm going through this aswell, if you read my post you'll see it could be a lot worse with the whole losing it process xxxx


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 392 ✭✭Denimgirl


    You will get back to yourself it happened to me also and you think you will never feel love again for anybody else and then one day you notice yourself starting to check out other guys when your out and about, it happens naturally!Take the lesson from this relationship and learn from it for your next!x


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 54 ✭✭Sebastien De Valmont


    You just have to force yourself to snap out of it and move on and put yourself out there again and find someone else.

    Don't go looking for anything serious just yet.

    Have some fun.

    Before you know it you might meet someone better and you will forget this fool.


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