Friendless and lonely

LegacyUser

Basically,this is what I am - friendless. I'm a nice person, have a nice OH and a nice daughter. Get on great with my mam and see her almost every day. Outside of this though, I have no-one, no friends to hang out with or talk to. I used to be really good friends with this one girl until I eventually twigged that it was pretty one-sided as far as effort went. I got sick of her blowing me off and letting me down all the time and so I started distancing myself which has led me to here. I'd rather be without friends than be with a fake friend. I'm so tired of meeting old "friends" who swear they'll call that weekend to arrange a night out and then don't and then keep fobbing me off when I text until I eventually take the hint and all contact stops. Until of course I run into them again and yet again they feign the whole delighted to see you scenario and promise to call re the weekend and so the cycle continues.

It bothers me the most when I see my OH going out doing stuff with his friends. If I want to do anything it can only be with him coz I have no-one else to call on. If he's busy with his mates then it automatically means I'm at home by myself feeling depressed. It's really starting to get me down and I'm afraid if it doesn't change I'll become even more dependent on my OH for my only companionship and become ulta-clingy and jealous and I really don't want that to happen.

What can I do to find a few genuine friends? I don't work and I seem to be much younger than most of the other school-mums and anyway everyone already seems to have their own established circles of friends. They'll be polite to you but in a "This is pure smalltalk, I don't need or want any more friends, thank-you" kinda way. I don't know how to break through that barrier.

Please help!

jamesr123

I think most people will tell ya to join some type of club. Have you any hobbies?

Micahelxcx

I'm sorry to read of your social predicament. May I first of all say to you that the vast majority of people really only have up to half a dozen friends, if they are very lucky. And the majority of those are school or college mates.
The rest are merely acquaintenances.

So, although you are feeling depressed and alone at the moment remember that other people may be pretending, for social approval, that they are so busy and are leading such busy lives that they don't get a minute.

It's all bull.

Have you sought out any old school pals you know or knew well?
By all means join a local club or group or whatever. Tell your OH your predicament and see if he can help. By that I mean you both going out together on a Fri and Sat night.

It's very unfair of him to leave you at home miserable all evening while he is out on the town with his friends.

LegacyUser

OP here. I knew people would advise me to join groups coz that is the usual advice given in this situation but realistically I don't think that will work. I don't really have any hobbies to speak of, I'm not sporty and don't have any real interests. And anyway it's like I said before, even in these situations I find that people are already established in friendship groups and while they may chat to you during the class or whatever it doesn't extend beyond that. I do try but then i get disheartened when it's clear common politeness is all that's ever on offer.

I did attend a kickboxing class for a couple of months once with the afore-mentioned "friend" and everyone there was also attending with a friend or few friends. No-one goes to these things alone so everyone was paired up and settled and not much mingling went on. When my friend gave up I felt I had no choice but to give up too. I know you will say "you should have kept it up and you would've made friends" but honestly guys, if I had kept going I would have been totally on my own, having to pair up with the teacher and unable to break through the others' friendship barrier. I can't really blame them, we've all done it, I know I have in the past - you have your set friends and don't want anymore and if someone tries to infiltrate your little group, while you chat and smalltalk away with them and you'd never be nasty to them you make it clear that they'll only ever be an accquaintance.

Also we have a child so it's not like I can come and go that freely. My OH works a few nights a week and when he's off I feel he's entitled to go out with his friends. It's not like he leaves me at home, I often go out with him. But if he's meeting up with the lads to watch a match in the pub I'm not really going to go and sit in the middle of them bored to tears! I just wish I had the equivalent of this so we could each have our boys' night & girls' nights out and then have nights where we come together too. That's the norm, isn't it?

I suppose I have always been a bit of a loner and always found the making (and more importantly keeping) friends thing difficult. I had only one or two friends at school who are now long gone so there's no hope there and while I realise that a lot of people exaggerate their social lives and actually only have a handful of real friends, that is all I want too. I would be quite happy with just 2 or 3 real friends. I wouldn't even like anymore than that coz that's just not the kind of person I am - I quite enjoy my own company and like to do my own thing. It's just that at the same time I am socially aware enough to realise that I need to have more than just myself, my partner and my child. As comfortable as I am in my own company I need some bit of a social life with genuine peers.

I know I'm probably making it more difficult than it needs to be but I find it so so hard. I feel so down.

LegacyUser

Friendless wrote: »

I'm not sporty and don't have any real interests. .

If you have no interests, what have you got to talk about?

The easiest people to make friends with are those who you have an interest in and unless it's an old friend from years back, a new friend can only really be made where there is some mutual interest - that might be a hobby, a political outlook or just a sense of humour.

Life to me is about interests - it's not as if you have to have millions of hobbies but you have to have some things going on.

I'd say the people I've befriended in recent years have been through sport, local interest, helping out and being active in the community. It's only after getting to know people through those things that they relationships develop further... and that might just be meeting for drinks every so often and in other cases, actually developing a strong bond.

Also, it;s an idea to have something about yourself to talk about - not to boast about but things of interest to other people.

Thing is, it's easy with people who actually want to make friends. There are a lot of people out there who are a bit closed off to making new friends. I think it's quite an Irish trait.

The benefit of clubs and courses is that you meet people who do want to make friends and who are more open and you share a common interest.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

hey OP, I am in the same situation as yourself- I have an OH who has friends but I have none. I used to have 3 really close friends but we have drifed apart to the point where they ignore my efforts to get back in contact with them:(

I often wonder what I did, but can come up with nothing.

I am not into clubs etc and think you have to be a certain kind of person to meet other people in those kind of situations. I find it so frustrating when I find myself in a situation where there are strangers and I always seem to be the one that is left at the back of the room with no- one to talk to.

Its embarrassing to admit to yourself and indeed other people that you have no "friends" and I sometimes wonder if this is whats holding me back.
I started college two years ago and have not made one friend. I spend my lunch breaks in the libary and always sit by myself in the lectures. Its gets depressing when I think about it.The only thing I could recommend for you is if you join some sort on online community and make some internet friends. the people you "meet" can be a great starting place if you are trying to remember what it is like to have a girly chat etc.

Hope everything works out for you. It really is crap when you only have your OH and family members to share all your news with:(

Miss Fluff

Agree with wellthereyago. In order to be open to friendships you have to be interested as well as interesting. You have to develop interests outside your relationship and child as much for your own personal development as anything else.

I know you are dismissive of the thought of joining a club but surely there is something that fires your interest, something where you think "I'd love to turn my hand to that..." So an art or pottery class or creative writing class or a hiking group or an amateur dramatics group. Preferably something that requires interaction. If there are Boards beers in your area you should think about going along as am sure there are other people in the same boat.

LegacyUser

I feel like I have few friends as well, only I don't have a boyfriend, child, nothing. Part of me wants to say count your blessings - wish I had a family and I'll bet I'm older than ye too! But then again I always think a guy and a family will sort me out and I guess its good to know that just because you have that doesn't mean your totally happy. And if I do meet girls/women with a family I won't necessarily rule them out as friends...Still I totally sympathise, I don't know why people are so closed off to making new friends, its tiring just making small talk with people and knowing that they won't take it any further than that. Or maybe it just takes a while to get beyond that I suppose when I think of any friends I've made in the past (lot of them I've lost sadly) its been from working or going to college with them. Best of luck to ye anyway

knitwit

Hey,
Your post really struck a chord with me. I was in the same situation a few years ago and I was fairly miserable.
Seeing as you have an OH, would you consider having a small dinner party in your house and inviting one or two of his friends and their girlfriends? I've done this and find it a good way of getting to know other women. I know it may seem a bit scary, and you may not feel sure of yourself if this is a new situation for you, but sometimes you just have to go for it! A few drinks and a simple meal is a nice relaxing way to get to know people in the comfort of your own home. Just be open and friendly, and if you start thinking along the lines of 'these girls probably already have friends and don't need me' or whatever, just remember, that is just your opinion. There are loads of people who are dying to make new friends. You'll have to be proactive, ask the girls for their phone numbers, suggest doing it again some time, and mean it! And when the boys are all out on the town together, maybe invite the girlfriends over for a few drinks. Also, don't be afraid to ask to join them on a night out with their friends. You might feel awkward at first but after a few drinks you'll be fine. I know at first it can feel like you are doing all the legwork, and it is a bit exhausting and scary at first, but persist with it and in a short while you will have new friends. Tried and tested by me! good luck.

Birdsong

OP, I was in your situation about 10 years ago, all be it with no kid or husband. I joined every night class going, club you name it, some I liked,some I didn't and I found that nightclasses were no good, but an organisation which is well stuctured, which has a competitive element to it is the best way to meet people. I joined Toastmasters which is a public speaking organisation, after the meeting I went to the bar and chatted to people, went to the xmas & summer parties and got to know people. You have to make the effort to get to know people, that is how you will become friends with them.

You say you have no interests, well do you like reading, join a book club - and make the effort, suggest to the one or two, do you fancy going to the pub next door for a drink afterwards, or do you fancy meeting for a bite to eat before the book club. If you enjoy going to the cinema, there is a group on meet up.com who go to the cinema every week. Voluntary organisaitons like the VdeP are always looking for people - volunteering with the scouts, anybody is a great way of getting out there & meeting people in a different environment.

Don't think you should be friends with people the same age either - one of my best friends is a lady in her 60's, we just clicked. You have to make an effort too, you are past the stage of the girl down the road knocking on your door & asking do you want to come out to play.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but the rewards of good friendship are worth it.

dory

I've been in this situation a lot because of moving countries.
You have to be proactive.

I agree with the above that you need something to talk about. I've travelled and people always want to talk about that. Find something, anything!

Also, use the internet. No matter where I go I meet people through Couchsurfers. They have meetups in every city and you'll meet local and foreign people.

It's impossible to suggest really without knowing more about you. But there are loads of ways to make friends, you just have to see it like a process and follow the steps.

princess-lala

OP the ladies lounge private thread have alot of meet ups from casual coffees to nights out on the town. Theres a few of us that were in the same boat as you and since meeting have made loads of new friends

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the advice everyone. It seems to be impossible for some of you to imagine but I really don't have any particular interests! Pottery classes-nah,creative writing-nah, there really isn't anything that I think I would quite like turning my hand to. All I really do, apart from looking after my little one, is watch television. I watch a lot of TV,partly because I've nothing else to do but mainly because I like it a lot. I've actually become addicted to a few shows and couldn't miss them for the world! Apart from that, nothing....

I appreciate the suggestions though and like Princess Lala has said, I think I might look into the Ladies Lounge meet-ups. It's such a relief to discover that I'm not the only one in this situation. I think I'm more down about it at the moment because of the lovely weather. During the cold dark days of winter it's preferable to snuggle up indoors anyway but in this weather I'd love to have a couple of girlfriends to sit out in the sun and chat with.

Roll on the miserable Irish winter!!!

dan_d

Op, how old is your child?

Would it be possible to go and volunteer for a few hours some days of the week? I know everybody is different but my own personal feeling is that if/when I have kids, I won't give up work because I want my own life too. I'm not saying go back to work, but if you don't think there's anything that would really interest you, then maybe you could try volunteer work of some sort??

It's very difficult to talk to someone who has no interests at all, doesn't work and isn't into sports. My OH's mother - though a good few years older than you!!! - doesn't work, doesn't drive and he's an only child, who has now moved out. Some days I find it very hard to talk to her, as her world is so tiny compared to the one I live in, we have next to nothing in common. I'm not criticising....she's happy that way. But it does make things a bit difficult when trying to make conversation.

I don't mean any of that as a criticism to you either OP, I'm just trying to help here...you obviously want to change the way things are, which is great!

dellas1979

What part of the country do you live in?

SerialComplaint

If your daughter is of school age, join the school parents association. They are always looking for people to help out at events and with fundraising. It's a great way to get involved in the school community and get to know more people. Setting up playdates for your daughter can help too, as the other mums might hang around for a coffee, and you can take things from there.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

What part of the country do you live in?

I'm in County Cork. My child is going on ten which is not an age that would hold me back from anything, I realise. In a way I think it would be easier if she were still a baby as there are plenty of opportunities for mothers with young kids to meet and socialise - coffee mornings, mother & toddler groups, gymboree etc. When you have an older child it's just taken for granted that you have an established circle of friends at that stage.

From reading through the posts I think only me too and samehere really understand where I'm coming from coz they are in the exact same position. It's all very well for other people to say "join a club, develop an interest, volunteer" but I don't really have any genuine interests and I'm not going to fake one. In any case even if I did I think I would still have a problem building a genuine friendship with anyone. I guess, apart from not meeting people, it comes down to me personally too - I've never been one to integrate myself into an already established group and I've never had the confidence or charm to just begin chatting to someone and have them want to be my friend forever! Like I said before people respond but only out of politeness and courtesy. Most aren't interested in developing anymore long-term serious friendships than they already have. So after a while you stop trying altogether to save your time, effort and pride. And the odd time that it does happen I quite often find myself not even liking the person in question and then I figure surely it's not worth putting up with someone I don't even like just to have a "friend"? I have done it in the past and that's tiring too. I guess I'm a bit picky (a lot of people get on my nerves!) but a "friend for friend's sake" never works out.

LegacyUser

Friendless wrote: »

I
It's all very well for other people to say "join a club, develop an interest, volunteer" but I don't really have any genuine interests and I'm not going to fake one.

I've never had the confidence or charm to just begin chatting to someone and have them want to be my friend forever! Like I said before people respond but only out of politeness and courtesy.

Most aren't interested in developing anymore long-term serious friendships than they already have..

I don't think anyone befriends another for life after a "chat". friendships can take a while to develop, others just happen.

I was in your shoes in my early 20s. I had one good friend though and no interests at all. Because of that, I had nothing to talk about. So when I was chatting to people, I ran out of things to say quickly - why would they want to be my friend? Because I was an alright guy? Well maybe, but I came across as extremely boring.

In the last 10 years or so, I've started doing more with my life, developed interests, and developed an interest in people.

One thing, and this may sound critical, but if nothing interests you, then what are you planning to talk to your new friends about? Do people interest you?

You say that people are quite closed off (and that can be true) but that's the thing about clubs, people in them are into meeting other people. That's one of their functions. I joined a club a few years back and it was a breath of fresh air meeting people who had a similar interest to me and over the space of a few months or so, friendships developed through that. I wouldn't expect any of them to be my "friend forever" but I would expect to see them every few weeks and to have a laugh when we meet up.

Would you describe yourself as interesting?
Are you interested in trying new things?

Making friends, takes some skill:

This is how it works - let's say you join a tennis club. You start doing some lessons and meet people. You have a bit of a laugh and go to the bar after the lesson for a coffee/drink and a chat. After a few weeks you see who you get on best with and then see if they'd like to meet up sometime to do something, like play a game of tennis!! Then you have a tennis friend, someone you meet to play games with. If the tennis doesn't interest you then see if they'd like to go for coffee / the cinema.

Then you start playing tennis with other people, and you get to know more people. You hit the bar a few times and say hello, you ask them how they are, get a bit of rapport going. "how'd the game go?", "did you see watch much of Wimbledon?" How do you think the members of the club got to know each other?

So for the sake of making a few friends, you're not faking an interest, you're getting up and making an effort to make friends!

Why not try out lots of different things and see if any of them ARE of interest to you?

LegacyUser

OP I'm going to be brutally honest here because in order for things to change I think you need to hear this.

You complain about having no friends yet you do absolutely nothing to get them. You do not want to shift from in front of the television. Do you expect them to just land in your lap? Furthermore, when you do make acquaintance with people you claim to dismiss them and say you are too picky. Well girl, I don't think you have any room to be complaining to be honest. It appears that this is all your own doing.

I understand reservations about joining a club etc. But why not volunteer? Do something for others besides yourself and your family? You actually might develop interests.

I find it really problematic that the only thing you're interested in is the television and very vacuous television programmes at that. Now I'm not saying this to be harsh but to get you to reflect on you and your unhappiness. It's no wonder you are unhappy and feeling lonely. You have no idea how to occupy yourself even, never mind a friend.

I think you seriously need to start trying different things to actually SEE if you're interested in them without dismissing them outright! Even if it's just reading a book! Listening to music. Art. Photography. You are not making the most out of life by just restricting yourself to the television. If you filled your life with interests that make you happy then your life will be more fulfilling.

Then, I think, friendships will happen organically. As it stands you would have nothing to talk to people about at the minute besides your child, your husband and Xfactor.

Seriously OP, for your own good try to be a little bit adventurous and do something different.

JimmyCrackCorn

Im afraid its a catch 22.

To have interests you have to try new things. Not everything will work out and grab your attention but you still have to try in the hope something sticks. You cant judge things on pre-conceived ideas you have to try them first.

Im afraid its more your attitude that seems to hold you back on this one. Take a more positive look on things.

Go try something new it'll give you something to talk about even if it doesn't work out for you. If your stuck for ideas ask around boards.




"The hardest mile is the one across your doorstep" -How true is that

Best of luck

IzzyWizzy

I've always found nightclasses useless. I did several this year, more to actually learn than make friends but I was open to meeting new people. It just didn't happen. The class ended and people just went home, even though we were all going in the same direction (to the train), people just walked on their own instead of chatting with other students. People seem to be getting more and more unsociable?!

LegacyUser

Here's how to use classes etc. to make new friends.

First identify somebody you would like to be friendlier with - possibly the OH of one of your OH's friends, or the mother of one of your daughters friends. Next identify a class of some description, any description. It doesn't necessarily have to be a new interest, yoga/pilates or some such will do.

Now the next time you're talking to that person mention that you're interested in doing that class, or trying something similar out. If you get a positive response suggest you do it together. Now instead of a a casual acquaintance, you have something in common and an ongoing excuse to meet up. By the end of the course of lessons, you'll know each other a bit better and be well on the road to friendship.

dellas1979

Well am in the tipp/limerick area and am always open for new friendship if that helps (I would chat to the leg of the table if it could talk) -

FlashGordon1969

You must join things -otherwise you will be in this same position a year from now. I would consider joining something thats ongoing. Friendships take time-months to develop. Even if you are only chatting to people at things it is sociable and until friendships develop that can tide you over. A book club is the most straightforward- found your own if there are none in the area. Just call into all your neighbours and meet in a pub or houses.

You must take some responsibility for what's happened -perhaps you didnt make efforts with people in the past or didnt keep in touch?

Herodotus

OP, I can relate to your predicament. In my situation, I'm unable to meet people as I currently work 7 days a week, over two jobs. Apart from that I also have no money as I'm not getting paid in the main job.

However, I would recommend a site, www.meetup.com.

You'll be sure to find soemthing of interest.

Enjoy!

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I have got to disagree with other posters, I don't think that clubs like meetup are good to meet friends. I think they are good to meet men (which is not of interest to you as you are already attached). I was in one of them, and the other women were not interested in making friends, we were all competing for the few men there. God knows I tried to make friends with the women but they were not interested. And once they found out I was going out with one of the men (who is now my OH) they got even colder. I think other mothers at school/playground are your best bet. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.
Izzywizzy thanks especially for your post coz that's exactly what I have found too. I went back to education a few years back and though I would chat enthusiastically to whoever was beside me in lectures, after the class they would be gone, even though we might be going the same way! The people who say join a club or class and just make friends there are usually those who don't need to and so are just presuming. It's good in theory but doesn't necessarily follow in practice as everyone has their own thing going on and can't be bothered with new people.

Thanks Dellas1979, that's very nice of you. Might hold you to it!x

Btw, I'm not a complete couch-potato waste of space! I just like to watch TV and seeing as my OH is often at work and the child in bed, I find myself settling down to watch the soaps with a cup of tea of a night. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's not like I'm illiterate, I do read books too y'know!

The Recliner

dellas1979 wrote: »

Well am in the tipp/limerick area and am always open for new friendship if that helps (I would chat to the leg of the table if it could talk) -

I know you were trying to be helpful but please re-read the PI charter

the following bit is quoted from it

It is not the done thing on the PI or RI forums to ask an OP to pm/msn/skype/email you. This is done for two reasons:

To protect those from trolls and other possible unsavory people posting on the internet when they may be in a vulnerable state. Threads on PI/RI are monitored by the mods so that bad and dangerous advice is not permitted and deemed unhelpful.

To protect posters from trolls and unsavory people posting on the internet who pose as a person needing help and advice and so that posters do not end up locked in to a pm exchange with someone they can not help

LegacyUser

Friendless wrote: »

It's good in theory but doesn't necessarily follow in practice as everyone has their own thing going on and can't be bothered with new people.
!

And there's your problem. I don't presume that everyone has loads of friends and don't want to meet new people. While many people are like that, the people I befriend obviously are open to making new friends.

Once you put yourself in a position where you are meeting new people, you have a better chance of making friends.

They don't all have to be great friends - some will just be people you chat to for a while, others will turn into better friendships. They all start the same way though.

Where my older friendships are from: school, college and work
Where my newer friendships have come from: a language course, travelling on my own, working in a job where I meet lots of people, the club I'm a member of and the community group I'm a member of. By putting myself out there, I have now reaped the rewards.

I too enjoy tv and films, but given the choice of stay in and watch a show or get out and do something more interesting, I'd choose the latter.