previous relationships

hyster

well so me and my gf have been going out for a while, anyway the conversation came up about previous partners.
anyway it was not a good conversation to have.
apart from being a fool to have it. i really am having trouble moving on and getting over it. i dont feel cheated on but more like our relationship is diminshed by things that have happened in the past particulary hers..
but i do love her to bits and feeling like this wrong and immature and all that. just wondering what other people experiences have been?

r3nu4l

Never a good conversation unless you are 100% secure in yourself as a person. All anyone can say is if you love her now then her past is just that, past, over, done with, finished. I know it's easier said than done though because when I was a lot less secure in myself and a lot younger than I am now I had great difficulty getting to grips with the past of my then gf.

Now I'm strongly thinking of moving this to the relationship issues forum unless you can give me a reason to keep it in the Gentlemans' club

hyster

u can move away i was mostly just lookin for a male experiences is all, thanks though

Otis Driftwood

Have never had this conversation and never will,its a potential mine field.I dont care what a partner has done in her past,I just dont want to know about it.Contradictory?,probably but what can you do.

Nervous Wreck

A lot of lads get hung up on this stuff. I think girls are a little more honest and willing to confront past relationships, in general, where as lads prefer to bury their heads in the sand. For me, I'd rather not talk too much about past relationships with a current gf. Generally, it's of no relevence to our relationship and discussing it isn't really necessary.

helimachoptor

r3nu4l wrote: »

Never a good conversation unless you are 100% secure in yourself as a person. All anyone can say is if you love her now then her past is just that, past, over, done with, finished. I know it's easier said than done though because when I was a lot less secure in myself and a lot younger than I am now I had great difficulty getting to grips with the past of my then gf.

Now I'm strongly thinking of moving this to the relationship issues forum unless you can give me a reason to keep it in the Gentlemans' club

Agreed, she has a past you have a past, but its in the past, dont think about it and think more about your future together.

The past experiences she had has made her the girl you've fallen in love with.

r3nu4l

Male perspective is good enough for me. There is nothing to stop you posting in the Relationships Issues forum anyway looking for a broader perspective if you like.

So from my male perspective:

Usually with guys the problems we have are:

1. She's done things with others she won't do with us.
2. She has done things with others that we find disturbing!
3. The number of guys/girls she has done is far higher than we hoped.
4. The number of guys/girls she has done is far higher than we have done ourselves.
5. She has casually mentioned in the conversation that her nickname for a previous boyfriend was 'foot-long'

Many of those things can make us feel inadequate or shocked but remember, despite that past, she chose to be with you. She still chooses to be with you even now. Therefore, you are doing something for her that others couldn't, that's something to be proud of imo.

Khannie

Oh man. Sorry for your troubles. I think we've all been there.

Just remember though: Your mind is imagining the worst possible things right about now. The reality was almost certainly not as bad as whatever you're imagining.

Morphie

helimachoptor wrote: »

.

The past experiences she had has made her the girl you've fallen in love with.

I hate reading that same reply to this type of question. No disrespect to you of course, but I just think it's nonsense.

I don't see how sleeping with men before you've met someone, makes you who you are, unless it doesn't emotionally ruin you. And women, as we know, are emotional-not-so-fun-bags.

---

Second post got it best.

r3nu4l wrote: »

Many of those things can make us feel inadequate or shocked but remember, despite that past, she chose to be with you. She still chooses to be with you even now. Therefore, you are doing something for her that others couldn't, that's something to be proud of imo.

The only gripe I had with this post was your mentioning of "despite that past, she chose to be with you. She still chooses to be with you even now. Therefore, you are doing something for her that others couldn't, that's something to be proud of imo."

It's not exactly true is it? Not all entirely. She's with him now yeah, that's truth, but chose to be with him despite her past? What if she had no choice.

The guys before him could have just dropped her whilst she still wanted to be in that relationship.

I mean, I read what you say and assume she left those men, not the other way around, which would make it seem better. But then we don't know the back story, so they could have left her, which will leave in your mind that perhaps she would still be with them if they wanted her, no?

---

The guy I'm quoting gave you pretty much what I'd have said. It's not going to be easy for you, it's a "deal with it or leave" type scenario.

Sebastien De Valmont

NEVER EVER EVER bring up past history.

Only a complete and utter sap would do that.

It's a garanteed way to turn a relationship into a "real-hate-shun-ship."

It drips of insecurity as if a man can only get a woman if the man clings onto her with his fingernails.

Eve_Dublin

Very interesting. So would you guys say that men would have more of a problem with hearing about a girl´s past than visa versa? Explains a lot. Have been seeing a fella now for 3 months and I´ve known him 5. All I know about his previous relationships is that one of them wore a lot of make up and would retouch every chance she got. And that´s it. I thought it was quite strange that nothing else was mentioned and wondered why he´d be so secretive and I´ve said a few bits and bobs about exes (just stuff like I lived in a particular city with an ex and I´ve had my broken once....no major gory details...I wouldn´t say he´d like to hear the full story).

I have to say the curiosity is killing me. Is he just being secretive or is he aware of the Golden Rule of not mentioning exes? Hmmm.

Morphie

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I have to say the curiosity is killing me. Is he just being secretive or is he aware of the Golden Rule of not mentioning exes? Hmmm.

Dun, dun, duuuun!

Who knows, you can only know by asking. If it is the latter, expect to be lied to if you asked him to tell you all. "Honest love, that's all I rememba".

Baggly

Used to have a big problem with these conversations for the problems mentioned before.

Biggest issue was that i was left with the feeling that my previous partners had done alot more sexual exploration than me; which was true.

This probably came about as a consequence of me dating women older than me. Not much older; maybe only a few years; but probably very important years in terms of sexual development.

In terms of my own development and how ive grown as a person even in the last year, its not such a big deal anymore....i have a past; they have pasts....you just have to focus on the now. Having said that it was a long long road to reach this belief.

princess-lala

I don't see why it ever has to be brought up! There is always going to be one of you more experienced than the other.

It has no revelance to your current relationship at all and it shouldn't even come into it.

If you are both happy with the relationship and the sexual side of it past partners shouldn't play any part in it at all.

Baggly

Well there is the school of thought that partners should be open and honest about their pasts....ie you cant move on until the past is behind you...


And there is the school of thought that since you cant change the past, you might as well leave it alone....

I think it can bring people closer together to overcome obstacles together....and this conversation can be one of those. But its by no means a 'you HAVE to have that conversation' type conversation.

It takes all sorts i guess....some people flourish ignoring it, some people flourish confronting it.

Ive always liked to meet things head on.

princess-lala

Yeah but if one partner has slept with say 60 people and the other has only slept with 6 the lesser one will obviously feel inexperienced to the other!

Your past is your past - its happened before you met this person!

Baggly

Yes but if you are serious with this person should you not own that past and get through any insecurities about it WITH them as opposed to just ignoring the whole issue forever and forever?

princess-lala

I myself would prefer never to know about a future partner nor him about me!

Baggly

Id probably lean towards that myself these days....i used to be all about knowing. Im a curious guy after all. But the situation one might be thinking of is if you were going out with him a while and things were going great and you get on great with his pals and family etc etc and the sex is amazing and he puts down the toilet seat and i swear to god, one time i think i actually saw the sun shine out his a$$....


...and then you are out a few different times over the course of a month and you run into some of his exes and he is honest about them but then you start to wonder....maybe i SHOULD know about this....just so there are no surprises and stuff.

Maybe :P

princess-lala

Oh I'm a nosey so and so myself but I honestly wouldn't want to know about this side of things!

I had this once with an ex I was very serious about and we actually finished over it for a few days because one of us wasn't happy with the amount the other had been with!

I have since learned not to want to know about it

Baggly

Me too i suppose....i guess ive learned to...aim my curiosity better and to ignore things that cant change.

That said i dont think i can ignore it forever. I dont think i can ignore anything for any prolonged period of time. Thats just me though.

Faith

I asked my ex about his past. His number didn't bother me in the slightest, but for some reason I kept probing into his past relationships. The answers always hurt me but I couldn't stop myself asking :eek:. It was like ripping off a scab - brief satisfaction followed by pain and regret.

Madame Razz

I think it was something that bothered my OH initially; I have a more than slightly 'good time girl' past which he was aware of as we met through a mutual friend who so kindly filled him in:rolleyes: he doesn't know/will never know the full extent of it tho; I see no reason to bring the past into a relationship that has no need of that.

I don't think it was an issue for him past the initial few months tho; in fairness I'm a good girlfriend and he can see that; and can see how devoted I am to him; I think this has removed any (totally understandable)misgivings that he may have had about me in the beginning. It was never a huge issue for him anyway.

Bottom line is you are with somebody because you love them; their past has nothing got to do with what the two of you have together in the present; nor does it form any part of your future.

Ferris_Bueller

Agree with what many people have said so far, despite not wanting to know the answer I just can't resist asking the questions! always regret it afterwards personally. Can't see what good knowing this information would do for us to be honest, but i'd imagine curiosity just gets the better of us a lot of the time unfortunately.

Hopefully it won't effect you too badly mate, realistically it doesn't effect anything in the relationship except for what goes on in your mind.

helimachoptor

Morphie wrote: »

I hate reading that same reply to this type of question. No disrespect to you of course, but I just think it's nonsense.

I don't see how sleeping with men before you've met someone, makes you who you are, unless it doesn't emotionally ruin you. And women, as we know, are emotional-not-so-fun-bags.

In a way I agree with you but I am referring to relationships rather than the act of sex having an affect on a person but obviously sex will be part of the relationship if you know what i mean

PK2008

Whenever you speak about ex GF's to a current GF you can literally hear their gossip radars blip.

A good trick here is to say something about the ex to get the current GF to do it, like "oh yeh she was nice but not very adventurous in the bedroom, you know"


Gets the old competitive streak going big time!

Baggly

That's fierce manipulative though.

r3nu4l

Morphie wrote: »

The only gripe I had with this post was your mentioning of "despite that past, she chose to be with you. She still chooses to be with you even now. Therefore, you are doing something for her that others couldn't, that's something to be proud of imo."

It's not exactly true is it? Not all entirely. She's with him now yeah, that's truth, but chose to be with him despite her past? What if she had no choice.

The guys before him could have just dropped her whilst she still wanted to be in that relationship.

I mean, I read what you say and assume she left those men, not the other way around, which would make it seem better. But then we don't know the back story, so they could have left her, which will leave in your mind that perhaps she would still be with them if they wanted her, no?

Yeah, I can see how it could be read that way but what I really meant was that despite her past relationships she chose to be with him over other prospective 'new' boyfriends, not so much choosing him over past boyfriends.

Obviously her other relationships ended for a reason but that's the whole point I think, those relationships are over now and no matter how they ended, I believe the OP should feel happy that she is with him over any of the other men she may have met since her last relationship ended. She's also still with him now which indicates that she is in many respects happy with the relationship.

Therefore, any discussion of her sexual past is not quite irrelevant but equally not something the original poster should be jealous of or insecure about.

As I said previously though, that's easier said than done and even the most secure of us can sometimes feel threatened in the right circumstances. BEst to remember that everyone is entitled to their past (consensual) exploits imo.

amacachi

I've no history, and if I ever manage to trick a woman into liking me I won't need to hear about her history. :P

Eve_Dublin

Morphie wrote: »

Dun, dun, duuuun!

Who knows, you can only know by asking. If it is the latter, expect to be lied to if you asked him to tell you all. "Honest love, that's all I rememba".

Dun, dun, DUUUUUUN indeed. How do you even broach that question without sounding like you´re just digging for the gossip? Better just to leave it up to him. As of yet I´ve no reason to be suspicious but I think it´s just in stark contrast to most of my exes I got every teeny, tiny gory detail. I remember one of my exes told me how his ex never masturbated (do I need to know that?).The last guy I was seeing before my present one LOVED to talk about exes and was always trying to get me to spill the beans on mine. On our last date before I decided to give him the boot, went into unbelievable detail about every aspect of his relationship with his ex....I was sitting there feeling more and more ridiculous by the minute. He clearly wasn´t over her yet...

...they DO say that: if your OH brings up the topic of their exes repeatedly and specifically one in particular, that he or she is still has feelings for them. If you´re well and truly over them, surely you´ve no reason to bring them up?