Understanding Boys!

Nikbik

Just wondering can you all shed some light on my question about men and basically is it really as black & white as they say
I spent my early 20's analysing everything down to the last dot but after having a long hard think about thing I now don't run after men anymore have done it many times and has got me nowhere so what my question is if a fella is into you and wants a date/drink or whatever would he make the effort to get your number some how or another and ask you out or are fella's really that shy? After seeing a film a few yrs back I now go with the idea that if he's into me he'll make sure he's booking the next date.....

Id just like to know other peoples opinions on this

Thanks

Ickle Magoo

Too many variables; depends on the guy, depends on the girl, depends on the circumstances at the time, etc, etc. Films aren't great for getting behavioural etiquette from, tbh.

Some guys walk up to girls they don't even really know or fancy and chat them up, other guys are too shy to ask out a girl they have known and fancied for ages - bit like girls, really.

If you want to take a step back from chasing guys, then wait for them to approach you and if you like them & get any encouraging signals, reciprocate to give them the confidence to risk a knock-back.

LegacyUser

i dont buy the excuse of 'shyness'. if he concerns about being rejected more than losing an opportunity with me, then, he does not like me enough. or, he is not ready.

then me chasing him back cant change the fact: either he does not like me enough or he is not ready.

saying this, i dont mean not to do anything. do something, be naturally caring, be friendly... but not too much, and not too focused on one particular person. always remember relationship is a two way road.

the best way for girls to know a man more, is to be friend with him. don't pour in your feelings too quickly. and keep on going out on dates with other guys even though you have someone you like more.

going out more, or sign on dating website, just to get some dates, etc etc. see more men.

i learned it the hard way.

yes, so, yes, if he likes you and he's ready to chase you and he has stored up the courage need to chase you, he would chase you. if he doesnt, keep on your life, keep the friendship (if there is), keep dating other men...

DamoKen

myphilosophyanyway wrote: »

i dont buy the excuse of 'shyness'. if he concerns about being rejected more than losing an opportunity with me, then, he does not like me enough. or, he is not ready.

then me chasing him back cant change the fact: either he does not like me enough or he is not ready.

whether or not you buy it doesn't change the fact that some people are naturally shy, it's not an "excuse", it's a behavioural trait! Look it up before rejecting it out of hand and confusing it with fear of rejection.

personally I would consider myself slightly shy, and generally wouldn't walk up and just start chatting to some random stranger.

However if introduced and I liked a girl I would have no problem with chatting with her.

Either way it's nothing to do with fear of rejection, just whether or not I feel comfortable with a situation. To blindly assume that I mustn't like you enough if I don't march up and talk to you is not only arrogant but ignorant.

fungun

I could really like someone and want to ask them out and yet not because of a mixture of shyness/lack of opportunity

dublingal80

im in the mind frame that if someone likes me, they will ask me out. if they dont like me, they wont.

I can understand that some guys can be shy etc but there is always an opportunity to ask someone out. For me its fairly black and white.

fungun

there are always opportunities but often you have to be mentally ready for them and often i wouldnt be! Or else you have to be the type that will always go for it.

What I find funny/sad is the women who will always wait for a guy to ask them out and then complain that they always end up with the same kind of guy. If you want a different type of guy, then do sth different ffs!

dublingal80

fungun wrote: »

there are always opportunities but often you have to be mentally ready for them and often i wouldnt be! Or else you have to be the type that will always go for it.

What I find funny/sad is the women who will always wait for a guy to ask them out and then complain that they always end up with the same kind of guy. If you want a different type of guy, then do sth different ffs!

just because a guy asks you out doesnt mean they are going to be all the same type of guy. Not at all!!

The only reason I would ever tell a guy i liked him is if i really really really really REALLY liked him and i wasnt sure how he felt.

fungun

dublingal80 wrote: »

just because a guy asks you out doesnt mean they are going to be all the same type of guy. Not at all!!

The only reason I would ever tell a guy i liked him is if i really really really really REALLY liked him and i wasnt sure how he felt.

Well...they are all the type of guy that will ask a girl out.
Obviously they arent the same type of guy in all areas!

Personally Im a chicken**** when it comes to this and I have never asked a woman out per se. Ive flirted with them until sth became obvious but Ive never gone out on a limb and asked a woman out...and think Id always be too shy to.

dublingal80

hehehe

have you ever asked a girl for her number?

fungun

:eek: no

....at least not until Ive slept with them a few times, I usually feel confident enough by then :cool:

dublingal80

ah im opposite!! I can only sleep with someone that i know well and properly like

Denimgirl

These are my brothers words which i believe also,We are like animals (obviously more intelligent)but males like to pursue the female, I think society has changed everybody to thinking thats all old cobwash but the fact is it's the male species, it will never change it's in their DNA that they like make the first move men like a challenge and they thrive on something that they have to work to get it!I know guys say it's great that a girl approaches them and they don't mind they actually find it better coz the guy is lazy if a guy fancied a girl he'll let the girl know.

fungun

dublingal80 wrote: »

ah im opposite!! I can only sleep with someone that i know well and properly like

Exactly!

I like them, I get to know them, I sleep with them, am going out with them.

Then I feel I can find the right opportunity to ask them for their number *nod*

dublingal80

fungun wrote: »

Exactly!

I like them, I get to know them, I sleep with them, am going out with them.

Then I feel I can find the right opportunity to ask them for their number *nod*

how do you get to meet them if you dont ask them for their number??

See the way it works for me and has done is meet a guy, he asks for my number, give it to him, have some dates to see if i really like him and once i do and i think the relaitonship can go further then i sleep with them.

LegacyUser

Had a conversation with a guy yesterday that went something like this (I'm a girl):

Him: Brought this girl home on Saturday night. She keeps texting me now.

Me: Annddd....

Him: I told her I didn't want a relationship or anything. But she's not getting the message

Me: You slept with her.What do you expect.

Him: Yeah but I told her I didn't want anything out of it. And even if I did, it wouldn't be with her. I wouldn't go out with some girl who goes and jumps in some guy's bed the first time she meets him.

Me: But it's okay for you to do that.

Him: Yeah but you know, I wouldn't go out with me either.

Soooo....coming from a place where I work with LOTS of men (building site) that's the prevailing attitude among them.Amazingly. They want loads of fun, to really enjoy themselves, but they don't want to get serious with anyone unless the girl has a bit of respect for herself. Denimgirl is right - for all the "sex and the city" and "bridget jones" stories and advice out there - men are fundamentally very simple creatures, who want to do the chasing themselves. Even working with them I find that what you see is usually what you get and their brains are simple in their own way!!

Don't overthink it OP, because they certainly don't!!

mood

fungun wrote: »

Well...they are all the type of guy that will ask a girl out.
Obviously they arent the same type of guy in all areas!

Personally Im a chicken**** when it comes to this and I have never asked a woman out per se. Ive flirted with them until sth became obvious but Ive never gone out on a limb and asked a woman out...and think Id always be too shy to.

So you expect girls to ask you out yet you have never asked a girl out!!! What if the girl in question is shy? You seem to assume only guys suffer from shyness.

fungun

My MO:

I meet them, flirt with them a bit.
Go home and wish I asked them for their number.
Try to arrange a situation here Ill see them again
Eventually manage it
Flirt with them a bit more
Go home and wish I asked them for their number
Get slagged by mates
Either (a) rehash this & continue or (b) insist I never really liked her anyway
Eventually flirt to the point where even I think she is interested (i.e. at holding hand stage or the like)
Snog her, yaaaaay
Go home and wish I asked her for her number....doh
Try to arrange a situation where I see here again
Wonders why she is cold
Eventually chat with her
Explain I actually did really want her number but was too shy to ask
Get punched for being thick and she gives me her number....and I never had to ask!!! :cool:

dublingal80

sounds like a lot of hard work fungun

mood

menaresimple!! wrote: »

Had a conversation with a guy yesterday that went something like this (I'm a girl):

Him: Brought this girl home on Saturday night. She keeps texting me now.

Me: Annddd....

Him: I told her I didn't want a relationship or anything. But she's not getting the message

Me: You slept with her.What do you expect.

Him: Yeah but I told her I didn't want anything out of it. And even if I did, it wouldn't be with her. I wouldn't go out with some girl who goes and jumps in some guy's bed the first time she meets him.

Me: But it's okay for you to do that.

Him: Yeah but you know, I wouldn't go out with me either.

Soooo....coming from a place where I work with LOTS of men (building site) that's the prevailing attitude among them.Amazingly. They want loads of fun, to really enjoy themselves, but they don't want to get serious with anyone unless the girl has a bit of respect for herself. Denimgirl is right - for all the "sex and the city" and "bridget jones" stories and advice out there - men are fundamentally very simple creatures, who want to do the chasing themselves. Even working with them I find that what you see is usually what you get and their brains are simple in their own way!!

Don't overthink it OP, because they certainly don't!!

Ok I really don't agree with the double standards etc but if he was straight with her before sleeping with her and she still slept with him and now expects a relationship she is deluded. Nobody says things like that but mean the opposite.

fungun

i know. emotionally too!!!

but im just saying that not all guys will ask you out, and it dost mean they dont like you if they dont.

mood

dublingal80 wrote: »

sounds like a lot of hard work fungun

Sounds childish. I would have no interest in a guy playing games like this.

fungun

mood wrote: »

Sounds childish. I would have no interest in a guy playing games like this.

its not games....its gauging interest and being a bit shy. I intend it to be different every time, but it ends up a lot like this usually. I know a fair amount of blokes who are similar enough too. Just not the kind of blokes you meet in night clubs etc.

Denimgirl

Men don't take a woman seriously when she sleeps with them on the first night they think she does that with every man and even though he may like her or even fancy her it's always in the back of his head she gave it up very easy!men the majority of time would'nt say no to a lay, but a lay and a deep committed relationship is another strory!

dublingal80

I can understand that you can be shy and it can be your reason for not aksing a girl out, but if a guy doesnt ask me out im just taking it that he doesnt like me. Im not gonna sit there and analyise over the way he is. its either you like me, ask me out, or you dont, and dont.

i dont think all men think the same way when they sleep with a girl that they meet the same night. A friend of mine slept with the guy the first night she met him and they are now married with 2 kids and so in love and so happy, so it can work out

Personally I take it slower, get to know them. Make sure I like them and trust them before I get down to business

Denimgirl

Yeah I know a few couples that the guy slept with their partners on the first night but they always say it in an argument to them or remind them about it at some point it's like it is in the backof their head.a male friend of mine said to me he would'nt be with a girl who he slept with the first night as he would'nt really feel special, how many other men has she done this with,i think it's nice to wait a little while and see what the guy is like and if he hangs around coz he likes to be with a girl.

dublingal80

yeah im with you demin girl... if he likes me enough he will wait around. I made my recent ex wait about 4 or 5 weeks. I told him i just wasnt the type of person to sleep with anyone and that i just had to get to know him and he was happy to wait, but it also made the sex so much better, intimate too, even tho technically we didnt know eachother that much.

boys are funny

LegacyUser

dublingal80 wrote: »

yeah im with you demin girl... if he likes me enough he will wait around. I made my recent ex wait about 4 or 5 weeks. I told him i just wasnt the type of person to sleep with anyone and that i just had to get to know him and he was happy to wait, but it also made the sex so much better, intimate too, even tho technically we didnt know eachother that much.

boys are funny

4 or 5 weeks is really pushing it imo

Im not the shyest person around but it takes guts to go asking people out. You can really get your ego crushed. A lot of girls who never ask people out dont realise this. Not every girl politely says no, some can be downright spiteful.

But I do agree, were not the most complex of creatures to figure out.

fungun

i take your points.

Ill just say not all guys will ask you out. If you feel happy filtering these out then fine, nothing personal

dublingal80

yeah i probably would be happy filtering those type of guys out because im attracted to confident guys so it works out for me

Denimgirl

Well then if they can't be bothered asking don't wait around for a girl to ask either!If a guy is'nt really arsed either way he won't ask,if he really wanted to be with a girl he'll get in there before another guy does!The problem now is that guys have got a bit cocky because theres so many "sex and the city girls" approaching men, the guys now think their the catch! thats why they don't want to commit as much, don't propose as much as they did years ago!it's all too easy for men now as the old saying goes why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free! so true! it's womans faults why mens attitudes have changed towards us!we need to really turn that around again!

fungun

i think you are taking this a bit far tbh. Its nothing to do with 'being the catch' or 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free' its cos some guys are shy. And its not expecting her to ask, its more a case that some guys would build up to it as opposed to just asking a girl first time he met her.

OP was

if a fella is into you and wants a date/drink or whatever would he make the effort to get your number some how or another and ask you out or are fella's really that shy?

Im just saying some guys are that shy, yes. And just shy, not expecting you to do it, not wanting to fcuk you without knowing you, just shy. ok am leaving this thread now lol

Denimgirl

Depends what age you are, My nephew is 16 and "he's shy" asking girls out I can understand that not grown men!! give us a break will ye! lol

mood

male ego wrote: »

4 or 5 weeks is really pushing it imo

Surely it would depend on how often you saw each other in the 4 or 5 wks! You could have meet five time a week or once every two weeks!

fungun

male ego wrote: »

Im not the shyest person around but it takes guts to go asking people out. You can really get your ego crushed. A lot of girls who never ask people out dont realise this. Not every girl politely says no, some can be downright spiteful.

Agreed. Makes me laugh when the women here are saying "will ye grow up" and then say they dont do it themselves. You can only judge this when you have to do it....and have had to deal with the way some girls say no.

fungun

mood wrote: »

Surely it would depend on how often you saw each other in the 4 or 5 wks! You could have meet five time a week or once every two weeks!

depends on why too. There are times I left when i just didnt care enough to wait, and on the other hand i went out with a gf for 2 yrs who was a virgin and very religious and we never did it.

LegacyUser

i think we have to define 'chasing'.

i did not mean girls should not start a conversation with guys, tho i have never chatted up any guys. but say, in working environment, a party gathering with a group of people / friends of friends... on a train... of course females can start a conversation with anyone naturally, easily in a friendly easy manner.

but if the guys are interested, he would do the chasing. like fungun, he would play the little game, shows up himself, flirts with the women he likes. he is chasing, or at least, interacting together with the woman. the woman would pick up the hint. i would not mind to give my number to him in this case. but, well, i would not ask him out or verbally tell him i like him.

so, if a guy is interested, he would do something, you dont need to chase after him. he would chase after you, verbally, or like fungun, stalking around. (i may find him cute, but i would not think he's 'man' enough, he's a kid in my eyes).

so, girls, sit down. if a guy likes you and he's ready (mentally/ physically/ financialy... ;>), he would do something. if he does not chase you, you chase him bad would just be a lot of work for you. i have a friend who used years to chase an undecisive guy. yes, they are together now, but my friend is always the one who put more effort and teach him how to love her. and the guy is still so afraid of commitment... no, i dont want this kind of guy who is not sure what he wants... i just cant think he is a 'man'. no, no for me.

of course, if you just want sex, i think in that case, it doesnt matter who chases who.

BobbyOLeary

myphilosophyanyway wrote: »

i just cant think he is a 'man'. no, no for me.

I find it funny that you'll only define a man as someone who will chase you but pay no heed to the fact that you're doing nothing. I can speak for a large proportion of my friends when I say that girls like this are amazingly frustrating. I've no problem asking women out but it's nice when there's a bit of reciprocation.

I know plenty of women with this opinion; that they should always be chased. I also find that these women are genuinely confused as to why there isn't a queue of men lining up.

I'd give the same advice I'd give a man. Man up, if you like them, ask them out.

LegacyUser

well i think we can add a part 2 to this question as well.
what happens when he does take your number and doesn't get in touch?
what's that supposed to mean??

so you do the dance outlined above - he asks for the number and does nothing with it.

so here everyone is agonising over is getting the number a sign of interest....well even when they get the number many don't use it.

i just don't get it! i thought men were the ones able to say what they mean? we always here this thing about women sending out mixed messages and men being less complicated!

obviously that's not the case.

if i wasn't interested in someone i wouldn't give them my number or ask for theirs.

LegacyUser

BobbyOLeary wrote: »

I find it funny that you'll only define a man as someone who will chase you but pay no heed to the fact that you're doing nothing.

i feel really frustrated to have to explain again and again that i am not suggesting doing nothing. i am not even suggesting not to ask them out. but yes, i dont suggest gals chat up strangers in pubs.

be friends. know him more before you tell yourself you really like him, dont pour your emotions quickly. never tell him you really like him unless he tells you. don't sleep with guys quickly (if you want more than sex from him). dont chase after him and dont let yourself focus on just 'romance' but live well, date other guys, dont fixate on one until he proves that he worths and this is reciprocal... it's just a change of mind-set really.

BobbyOLeary wrote: »

I'd give the same advice I'd give a man. Man up, if you like them, ask them out.

i am not a man, i dont and i cant 'man' up. and to be fair, i dont think i am suggesting women to do nothing. i am suggesting women to sit down and relax. if a guy likes you, you would know. if you are confused, um, well, you dont need to be the one to clarify. but enjoy life. see more men. that's it.

HavingCrack

Unfortunately a lot of men just don't know how to build all the attraction you're talking about. Thats where all the Pick Up Artist stuff has come from. I've been attempring to improve myself around girls for over a year now and I still can't seem to give off the "charm" or confidence whatever you want to call it that some men naturally have.

I'll keep trying and trying cause things can only get better but I wish women would stop saying to pursue the girl because i've been doing this and only notcied a marginal improvement

Sebastien De Valmont

Nikbik wrote: »

Just wondering can you all shed some light on my question about men and basically is it really as black & white as they say
I spent my early 20's analysing everything down to the last dot but after having a long hard think about thing I now don't run after men anymore have done it many times and has got me nowhere so what my question is if a fella is into you and wants a date/drink or whatever would he make the effort to get your number some how or another and ask you out or are fella's really that shy? After seeing a film a few yrs back I now go with the idea that if he's into me he'll make sure he's booking the next date.....

Id just like to know other peoples opinions on this

Thanks

If a guy doesn't make the first move he is not worth it.

Don't go around chasing after men.

It reeks of desperation.

Hang back, hang tough, set your standards high and play hard to get.

A REAL man makes the first move.

HavingCrack

Sebastien De Valmont wrote: »

If a guy doesn't make the first move he is not worth it.

Don't go around chasing after men.

It reeks of desperation.
.

Not saying you're wrong but surely the opposite applies as well Plenty of desperate men out there who chase after women without success>

Sebastien De Valmont

HavingCrack wrote: »

Not saying you're wrong but surely the opposite applies as well Plenty of desperate men out there who chase after women without success>

That goes without saying.

Desperation and neediness are real turn offs for both sexes.

If a guy goes up to hot girl and tells her straight up that he's interested she's not going to want to know. He might actually be in love with her but she is instantly going to suspect he just wants to f*ck her.

If a woman is attractive she will not need to approach men because a good looking woman is going to be approached twenty times a day.

If a woman wanted to have sex every day with a different man she would have no trouble.

But women are more interested in the romance side of relationships rather than just the sex because women have only a few eggs to spare and she pays a high price if she gets pregnant by an unsuitable man.

A man shoots sperm like a machine gun and he is programmed by nature to have sex with multiple women. Most Men want sex and many find romance tedious. There are exceptions to every rule.

So if a woman is throwing herself at men looking for romance she comes across as desperate even though that's not the intention or else as a woman who just wants sex which both men and women see as a "slut" (not that there is anything wrong with women who just want the sex without any strings.)

LC2010HIS

I watched The Notebook at 16 then started dating.
Boy, was I let down :rolleyes:

Bloody Nipples

LC2010HIS wrote: »

I watched The Notebook at 16 then started dating.
Boy, was I let down :rolleyes:

I watched porn at age 16 then started dating.
Boy was I let down :rolleyes:

It's the 21st century ladies, you insist on equality but also on maintaining chauvinistic stereotypes?
The idea that the guy is the one who has to put his ego on the line and face a damning rejection which can seriously undermine a fella's self worth is patently unfair.
My first gf asked me out to my utter shock. Always figured she was way out of my league so I was delighted!

Morphie

The second post was a good one.

I never approach women, even if I find them attractive. Why? Because I have no idea who they are, and yeah, funny little me, it does actually matter.

If a guy is TOO forward, then he's too desperate. Like bringing you a massive bunch of flowers on your second date. It just screams "I want to give you the impression that I'm committed so you'll like me enough to sleep with me". And as soon as you do that.. bye, bye. Trust me on this, guys who aren't shy, in the majority, only come up to you because they want to par-tay in your panties. That's fine if you don't want a meaningful relationship, but if you do, avoid it.

Of course men are shy, men and women think a like in that sense. Besides, this day and age the onus isn't on men to make the first move, it's an outdated and old fashioned thought. Best way is to get to know someone without even kissing them, with no thought of sex. If it turns out you really like this person, take it further at your own discretion. We don't want to go and ruin a nice little friendship now do we?