Heart Breaking

santino

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 12 months. I'm 26 and she's 24. I feel we're very much in love. (My first relationship, she's more experienced)

I've noticed a very big change come over her since last summer. She seems to be very touchy (not always but more than I like) and can change from all out energy one minute to wanting to go to bed the next. Can't blame the hormones on this I'm afraid, this is on-going.

She has had a turbulent life I must say..parents divorced, very close relative recenly passed away, trying to find employment now (along with everyone else).

All of the above I can tolerate, it's just little things are starting to cause friction now. Namely:

1) No sex life at all anymore (it wasn't that plentiful before but it's gone now). She's putting it down to the death as mentioned above but I think this is an excuse. I must add, I have NEVER pressurised her and have told her as much.

2) Wanting to spend every waking minute together. I know this is a nice sentiment but we all need space to do our own things don't we?
Example: the other night I wanted to visit a friend of mine who has just come back from abroad after 4 months away. I was subjected to the whole ' you never want to spend time with me, I have to beg you to come see me' bit. Is this not very selfish of her. I live and work in a small provincial town and she lives in a city so I have to travel most if not every night to see her...even though she has a car.

Can I say at this point that yes, I am not the most experienced when it comes to dealing with women BUT I consider myself to be right at the top when it comes to being a good boyfriend. She doesn't seem to realise how lucky she has it... I'm very laid back and easy going, I reckon if it was anyone else they wouldn't be putting up with this.

The worst thing is, she makes me feel very guilty, when, I feel, other people would simply be telling her to cop the hell on. If I did this, I know WW3 would start.

Lay it on the line to me here, am I very naive?
I know partners have to compromise in relationships but there's compromising and there's compromising.
I love this girl very much, but I'm starting to resent her now and if it goes to a certain point, there's no coming back.

Advice Please.

Ickle Magoo

Tell her you are starting to resent her and why.

That way she can either take everything on board and discuss your relationship issues to thrash out a mutual compromise so you are both happy - or she can keep knowingly keep doing things that are damaging your relationship...and that's only going to end one way.

Best of luck.

santino

Thanks for replying.
That's really good advice.

From what I said earlier, am I being overly sensitive or do these things happen in relationships and I just have to accept it?

fungun

"I know partners have to compromise in relationships but there's compromising and there's compromising. "

Remember both partners have to compromise, not just 1.

Id raise it with her, tell her how you feel and that you are beginning to feel bad about it and want to bring it up because you are concerned about letting something like that simmer. Just bring it up in a positive way if you know what i mean, i.e. i want to work this out with you.

LegacyUser

santino wrote: »

Can I say at this point that yes, I am not the most experienced when it comes to dealing with women BUT I consider myself to be right at the top when it comes to being a good boyfriend. She doesn't seem to realise how lucky she has it... I'm very laid back and easy going, I reckon if it was anyone else they wouldn't be putting up with this.

The worst thing is, she makes me feel very guilty, when, I feel, other people would simply be telling her to cop the hell on. If I did this, I know WW3 would start.

Lay it on the line to me here, am I very naive?
I know partners have to compromise in relationships but there's compromising and there's compromising.
I love this girl very much, but I'm starting to resent her now and if it goes to a certain point, there's no coming back.

Advice Please.

Theres compromising and theres being a doormat.

In any relationship either partner will push boundaries. I've been guilty of this in the past. If I've been let away with it, I'm sorry to say, respect can dwindle for the partner, and with that goes the way of attraction. That doesnt mean you've to behave like a boll** but if she does something thats unacceptable, say that its unacceptable, dont let her away with it. Its really important for both parties to do that in a relationship.

It sounds like she's leaning on you too much and getting dependent on you too. So now you're putting up with a heap of emotional burden from her and she's not giving much back.

sorry, this may sound very critical, but I can recognise the signs.

santino

It sounds like she's leaning on you too much and getting dependent on you too. So now you're putting up with a heap of emotional burden from her and she's not giving much back.

sorry, this may sound very critical, but I can recognise the signs.[/QUOTE]



No no, you're not being critical at all...that's kind of what I needed to hear.
I think dependent is a good word for the situation, it never hit me before.

I think you're right, I'll have to nip this in the bud sooner rather than later. I've kind of tried doing it before but she gets VERY defensive and says she doesn't like the way I'm talking to her...she can be a bit childish in her own way.

Ickle Magoo

santino wrote: »

Thanks for replying.
That's really good advice.

From what I said earlier, am I being overly sensitive or do these things happen in relationships and I just have to accept it?

It's entirely up to you what is or isn't acceptable. The minute something becomes an issue for you then you have discuss, negotiate, compromise and set out new boundaries and expectations. Whether she can cope with that is another issue but if you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to be working towards what constitutes your own perfect relationship.

Best of luck

Bellablue

I love this girl very much, but I'm starting to resent her now and if it goes to a certain point, there's no coming back.

Now there you've said it :rolleyes:

Let me try to advise you from a different perspective, as your post could have been written about me - word for word!

Like your girlfriend, I've gone through a rough time over the last few years with one thing and another. The next bad thing always seemed to be around the corner. I've also struggled with depression & anxiety issues.

A month or so ago my husband of almost 4 yrs (together for 12) came to me and told me he didn't know if he loved me any more. This progressed into him deciding he didn't and leaving me 3 weeks ago.

I blame myself completely for the downfall of the relationship, as he, like yourself could be described as pretty much every thing you'd want in a husband, while I must have been hell to live with.

However, his easygoing nature meant he had one flaw. He let things go to the point where once he spoke up about how he could not take it any more, he believed the situation was too far gone to fix. He says he didn't speak up sooner because he was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it.

It kills me to know that he is too afraid to give the relationship another try and I have to live with the fact that I have wrecked what could have been a great marriage.

I needed a shock. I needed to be sat down and told that our relationship couldnt continue in this way and something had to change, because he was putting up with far too much. But once he'd told me, he left.

Trust me....speak up now. Don't let things go to the point of no return.



Bella

LegacyUser

recognitions wrote: »

Theres compromising and theres being a doormat.
.

Very true.

I'd add to that: you're only a doormat if you allow yourself to be a doormat.

I've seen two people close to me compromising to the extent that I didn't even want to hang around with them because they were totally emasculated by their gfs. They were afraid to say things in front of them in case they annoyed them. They felt the gfs had to come everywhere (even on lads nights out type of thing). Tragic.

One thought that loving someone meant doing what they said - and she wouldn't let him meet me without her (or, he was too afraid to meet me without her).

The other just wanted to settle for the easy life - and by that I mean that he just didn't want the arguments so gave in everytime.

I would have been out of there once your gf wasn't happy with you seeing your mate who had been away. That's just pure selfishness.

In fact, it reminds me of that first friend I mentioned. I hadn't seen him in nearly a year and a half as I'd been travelling. First night back he has to go collect his gf to so she could come out with us.... I felt completely let down by this wuss who couldn't say to his [partner "actually, I haven't seen my buddy in nearly 2 years and I'd like for the 2 of us to catch up over a few pints" ..... and you know, 2 gfs later, he's the exact same...

Anyway, I'd bail if I was you. If saying what you feel or believe will cause WW3 then what's the point - you;ll always be walking on egg shells.... you won't say how you feel, you won't be yourself and you'll end up compromising yourself, your personality and over time, your friends, interests and other things you don't want to upset her over.