Rejected in bed

LegacyUser

OK, any advice would be greatly appreciated, and perhaps especially from guy's perspective. Me and my bf together for a little over four years, but our sex life has really dwindled. Not that we were ever at it every night of the week, but in the last year or two we go through really dry spells. Thing is, I hear on the radio, read etc that it's usually the woman who's not in the mood, but opposite is the case here.... you don't mind every now and again your OH saying oh not in the mood or whatever, but what happens when it's always them saying it? He does a lot of exercise, and says he's tired, but thought him getting fit would have the opposite effect?? Being turned down and rejected making me feel not so good about myself...have talked about it, but he just says he's tired, and that's all that's to it. I always thought guys were almost on for it all the time?

Miss Fluff

Regular exercise should energise him more if anything tbh. Are you still affectionate with one another, is there still lots of cuddling and curling up etc or has that dwindled too? Does he ever instigate sex or is it always you that instigates and he rejects you?Was there an event or something out of the ordinary happen around the time that your sex life dwindled, i.e. was there a bereavement or a job loss etc? Did one or both of you put on a lot of weight? Sorry with all the questions but it's difficult to say why this is happening without more background...

LegacyUser

That's what I figured about the exercise, but I don't know... Still quite affectionate. For a while it was always me being affectionate, but lately he's gotten back to being quite cuddly, like he used to be. It is pretty much me always instigating sex, or else it's nearly like a planned event, planned earlier in the evening, like "will we have sex tonight?", and I can't say that does much to get the moment going. But I feel like he's nearly just doing it as a favour to me. When I ask him about it, he says of course he wants to do it, but of late it's been "of course i want to do it, but i'm just too tired". No major event, or weight gain...I have just finished a post-grad, and have been looking for work, to no avail, but i would only have thought that wouldn't have an effect on his libido or whatever. I don't know..it's really begining to affect my self-esteem at this stage.

LittleBook

turneddownagain wrote: »

it's usually the woman who's not in the mood ... I always thought guys were almost on for it all the time?

The first thing you need to do is understand that this, for the most part, is a myth!! Men and women can have different sex drives and it's not always the man who has the "higher" sex drive.

Assuming there's no physical or emotional issues at the heart of this ... I actually think that once you've dispelled yourself of this illusion, had a think about what your specific needs are and then discussed the situation with your partner pointing out how the (seemingly) constant rejection is making you feel ... you (as a couple) could be well on the way to a balanced sex life.

smoggy11

I've actually been there myself. Recently.

My OH was not interested in sex at all really. We went from having a very active sex life to being lucky to get it once a day. (I know, for some people that would be enough, but I have a very high sex drive ) But because I was always trying to initiate sex, I was always getting shot down. It really didn't do much for my confidence!

The only thing you can do is talk about it. I doubt many men want to hear that they aren't fufilling their womans needs but it really is the best plan.

Can I ask a few questions though?

Are you living together?

When you say you initiate sex, do you actually start kissing and touching, or ask for it? I found that if I actually got hands on unexpectedly, sex was more likely. Not giving him time to think about it helped!

Listen, best of luck, I know its horrible being rejected all the time. It shattered my confidence.

I hope it works out for you.

Miss Fluff

I think you really need to talk to him again about it and tell him how this is making you feel. "Will we have sex tonight" would be a total passion-killer for me as well. You're only a young couple, his carry-on seems very staid and middle-aged and strange. The whole "tired" excuse just wouldn't wash....

You don't think there is any chance he's taking steroids do you? You said he dedicates a lot of time to exercise.....

smoggy11

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You don't think there is any chance he's taking steroids do you? You said he dedicates a lot of time to exercise.....

Even if he is not doing steroids, intense exercise will depleat the bodys supply of testosterone. Would he consider taking a testosterone suppliment?

There are many kinds of test boosters and they would help restore his testosterone levels to their original place. This could drastically help your sex life.

I'm not sure I would be allowed to recommend a product here, but if you want to PM me I can send on a link to a supplement that really helped my OH. (He is in the gym a lot, so that wasn't helping our sex problems!)

Reku

Excercise releases endorphines, feel good hormones and is also used by some as a form of escapism and to vent frustrations, is it possible that he is depressed or stressed about something? Both can cause a loss of libido. A gender generalisation that does tend to hold true is that men aren't so great at talking about their problems/what's upsetting them.

Sebastien De Valmont

I think it is got to do with the lack of a challenge.

Sex is fun but when it becomes a chore even sex can get boring.

A successful relationship has to built on both romance and sex.

You have to make him want you and he has to make you want him.

Morphie

Possible reasons;

- Genuinely tired all the time.
- Bored, sex isn't worth the effort.
- Is being satisfied by someone else.
- Is worrying/carrying a lot of stress about something.
- He masturbates instead.
- Falling out of love with you/fallen out of it.

I couldn't give more than that, because I don't know the history of your relationship.

Sebastien De Valmont wrote: »

I think it is got to do with the lack of a challenge.

Sex is fun but when it becomes a chore even sex can get boring.

A successful relationship has to built on both romance and sex.

You have to make him want you and he has to make you want him.

Never heard the expression "Bad sex, is still pretty good" ?

Been with my partner for three years, and the sex is still as good as it was, if not better than when we were in the beginning of it.

I don't think he's bored, he's still probably have to relieve himself at some point, no better way than having sex. And to choose masturbation over having sex, indicates (to me) that there is a bigger issue than him simply being bored.

I agree with the first and last points you made.

----

OP, don't suggest sex for about 2 weeks, this is a you testing him thing. If he doesn't come on to you, have a serious wee chat with the man, don't let him get away with "I'm tired".

AnonMous

Hi Op,

You were saying your boyfriend took to getting fit? Do you mind me asking what kind of fitness training he is doing? The reason I ask is that if he is lifting weights, he might be taking steroids.

If he was taking steroids, that would more than likely kill his sex drive. You should probably just ask him straight out about why he has no desire to have sex with you.

Chances are he just has a low sex drive. Society likes to think that guys are on for sex all the time and media outlets like magazines and internet articles etc would have you believe that, bit it is not the case.

Hope you get an answer to your question soon,

Take care

RealistSpy

Have you tried to initiate sex without the whole "Are we going to have sex tonight", just go to him and start randomly.

If its the problem thats he is tired due to workout which currently his my problem. I had super high drive but after time after time of initiating sex, I got tired of it.

Try initiate sex in the morning.

In addition are you currently going through any money problems? Do you try different sex positions and locations? 4 play?

GL

LegacyUser

OP here again...thanks for all your replies. Just to answer some of the questions, yes we're living together for the last three years, so maybe it's just gotten mundane. He hates sex in the morning, and has told me as much before. As for initiating it, I don't ask for it per se, no, it is more hands on. Maybe he is just tired. I know it isn't steroids, he's not doing weights, and he won't even take a panadol not to mind anything else! So I doubt testosterone supplements would go down well either.