moving on up, and my man left behind

LegacyUser

This is a bit long so do forgive me.
So my BF and I have been together more or less for 3 years. At first we were both unemployed, then I got work and really put in the hours knowing that jobs are hard to come by and because I had finally got work in the area I had studied in. I worked my a** off, and got promoted a year ago. My opportunities have never looked so good, and I have been able to travel with work to the US and Canada etc. I have to put in the hours, and the job meant a move to Dublin from my home town but I find it rewarding and I have made new friends away from my old social scene. Cant believe my luck!
But my BF is still at home. He still has no work, and I'm not sure he's even trying any more. He used to work in a factory but he got fired two years ago and ever since has suffered from low self confidence. He's a great guy, with a lot to offer, but he's lazy and too stuck in the old routine. He's always been there for me, always supportive of me through my move and with everything really. He's like my best friend.
But increasingly there's nothing to talk about - he doesn't understand all this stuff I'm working on now. My friends in Dublin are older and more worldly and he doesn't fit in, even though he tries. He also has absolutely NO money - can't afford to get the bus up to see me so I keep having to drive home to see him.
I don't want to be the bi**h who leaves the one guy who's stood by her through thick and thin. But I resent paying for everything and envy my friends who's BFs have jobs.
My weekends are filling up with invites to nice places, but I am torn between going to them and going home to my BF and watching TV. I feel so guilty. I don't fancy other guys, and I've never cheated on him, but I can barely make time for him. I don't know how he can be happy with this situation. He wanted to move up to live with me here but he didn't seem committed to the idea of looking for work and I'm afraid he'd just be mooching in my flat. Plus if he didn't find anything, what then? I couldn't kick him out, I'd just be left footing the bill.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? Its breaking my heart. And I'm breaking his. Is there ANY hope for us? We're 26.

peasant

unregistered wrote: »

He wanted to move up to live with me here but he didn't seem committed to the idea of looking for work

He didn't seem comitted or he said he wasn't ? Ask him directly

Miss Fluff

You're growing up + growing in different directions + growing apart. It's always a tough one.

Do you want to make it work and be with him because you feel you should and because he has stuck with you through thick and thin or because you love him so much and can't contemplate a future without him? If it's the former then that's not a good enough reason. It will probably take a bit of time to process though. Hard to remove yourself from a relationship when you still love the person but you know it's not going to work. It's painful and takes a bit of getting used to. Have you spoken to him at all about how you are feeling or does he think everything is great?

forest gunner

Thats a real tough situation for you OP.
Im trying to think what Id be like if I was your boyfriend.
So, unemployed for quite a long time - understandable in the current climate and there would be thousands like him Im sure. But thats not significant to your relationship, of course. Theres a real chance he is seeing you slip away from him and its getting him down, on top of not finding employment, so he could be feeling pretty low at the moment. Ive never personally been unemployed so I dont know how hes feeling mentally, but it must be eating at his self esteem.
You need to ask yourself what you want in the future. Do you see it with him? Living together in Dublin? Married with kids? Are you madly in love with him??
When youre sure of that, maybe you could drop some subtle hints about the future and see/listen to his reaction. Avoid direct questions about the future as he could be very anxious about it right now. But try to get to the bottom of what he really desires in the future, in a gentle manner of course.
Hope thats some sort of help.

LegacyUser

Thats the thing, I've always tried to talk to him about the future but he seems incapable of contemplating it. He and I have very different attitudes to life, ambition etc. He doesn't know what he wants to do with himself either now or next year, and when I bring it up he just tells me to relax, is clearly trying to avoid an arguement, and says why can't we just enjoy day-to-day. He says he loves me, he's known I'm "the one" since the day we met and thats that, he doesn't think what he does or doesnt do has any baring on it.
He reckons he'll fall into something eventually. Meanwhile I'm travelling more and more, have barely any time to spend with him, am bringing work home, but he's happy with that! I wouldnt be if it was me! I ask myself all the time if I am "in love" with him, surely I do if I don't fancy other guys. But then I'm not looking, I don't have time for guys at the moment and I suppose if I'm honest it suits me to have someone waiting for me somewhere who I can see if I need to. That's awful! But then I've asked him about his needs time and time again and he says he's fine with this situation.
And after over 3 years its kind of hard to know if you're "in love" or just comfortable.Problem is breaking up with him will be impossible, it will kill him.

LegacyUser

hi op
I too work away from home during week, my boyfriend is unemployed at home, still living at home and we are 25. He as a car, and is willing to travel to see me, however once he gets here he is contend to sit in all weekend watching tv.
I think my situation may be a bit further on than your in that, I recently expressed how I was feeling to him re: future, not socialising and feeling like I doing all the running, organising etc at weekends. He understood what i was saying, but has not changed. I took the direct approach, tried to make him see a future, where we lived together, got married and both worked.
with the direct approach I took, we fought, he said I was nagging, It didnt go well. one thing that did come out of it was that he "admitted " that he was contend with the way things were, and even happy at the situation of me working all week hard, then having to travel a long distance to see him, and then sit in watching tv in my home house at weekends!

anyho after him admitting that he thought things were fine, I have accepted that i dont think i can change him, and if he is happy why should I? I have no right to make him change, when maybe I am not willing to change either!

my advice would be to have a talk about these things with him, explain that your doing it to try and resolve a future where your both are happy! I know it will be hard to start talking...but resentment will build up, on both sides, you feeling like your wasting your 20's etc, him saying your not spending enough time on him.......... give it a chance, try and talk to him. if things dont change , accept the fact that growing up and apart is not wrong just difficult.

LegacyUser

i'm that bloke ! (not really tho) But being in that siuation ruined my last relationship, my ex has a great job and was out of work for about 5 months between getting it and her last job, it drove her insane. whereas i have been out of work since january 2008!!

i found it impossible to get a job and eventually decided to go get a degree which i'm just finished my first year of but the whole socialising bit really got to me. she'd go out every weekend and have fun whereas i couldn't. i got really depressed about not having money and it eventually spilled out into the relationship.

needless to say she didn't seem to understand what it felt like to be stone broke all the time for such a long period. though it wasn't through lack of trying to get on, i busted a gut to get a job, but without any sort of formal training or skills it was impossible (hence the degree).

there were times when it got to me so much i would just sit at home all day and flick through the channels on the tv and feel miserable, i didn't even want to talk to people or be in their company since i felt like such a failure. even going to her family do's was a struggle (her birthdays were especially bad cause i couldn't get her more than a card and flowers). nobody wants their daughter/niece/granddaughter going out with a long term unemployed bum!

it makes it worse when you see the one you love drifting away and making a whole life that doesn't include you, it's in slow motion because you have so much time to dwell on it and the other person can't understand because they are so happy they can't comprehend what the hell is wrong with you. there are thousands of couples like this in ireland at the moment. it's a horrible situation. best thing is to lay your cards on the table. tell him what you want from life and that you'd love him to be a part of it but he has to put in the effort because you're not going to wait. it's all you can really do.

Moomoo1

OP, what makes you think that if he gets a job things will be much different? You will still have very little time for him, he will still not enjoy socialising with your friends. He might afford to go places with you and your friends but will it really be enjoyable for him?

as for having to drive to see him, that's just strange. Give him money for the bus so you aren't making life hard for yourself...

speaking as a guy, if my partner were out of work and I wanted to go places with them, I'd pay for both of us. I'd be spiting myself if I denied myself a holiday because I didn't think I should pay for the other person. I'd also expect the same if the roles were reversed.

RodSteel

Hi OP
Break up with him, you know you want to. Its clear you want other things and he does not fit the bill for you.
You are maybe worried about being seen as selfish, heartless etc., maybe you are that, but it appears by your posts that you want more and you bf is substandard to your requirments.
You are not alone in how you think. Many women will favour a man with good earning potential over other attributes but don't like admitting it.
Its a fact of life of partner selection, unconditional love is rare these days, especially from a female perspective.

Cullen82

I have'nt much input for this other than that sometimes you've got to rule with your head over your heart.

I'm guessing you know that while it sounds an incredibly hard thing to do - In the long term leaving this guy behind will bring you more happiness than what you have already.

For what it's worth OP:

From my own experience I can't think of one regret from when I've made big decisions similar to this one. But most people make the mistake of not acting or making these type of decisions at all.....Don't be one of these - These are the people who have regrets;)

Moomoo1

Cullen82 wrote: »

I'm guessing you know that while it sounds an incredibly hard thing to do - In the long term leaving this guy behind will bring you more happiness than what you have already.

how do you know that? There are plenty of women who have a dream job and all the friends and possessions they want but a s**t personal life... I know a few myself.

OP, is it a case that you cannot afford to pay for your OH to come out with you sometimes, or that you don't _want_ to?

Cullen82

Moomoo1 wrote: »

how do you know that? There are plenty of women who have a dream job and all the friends and possessions they want but a s**t personal life... I know a few myself.

Firstly I did'nt claim to know anything hence "I'm guessing"

Secondly it looks as though you are emphasising my point?

Moomoo1

Cullen82 wrote: »

Firstly I did'nt claim to know anything hence "I'm guessing"

Secondly it looks as though you are emphasising my point?

how am I emphasising your point? If you leave a partner that you are happy with because he doesn't fit in with your lifestyle (either socially or financially), are you not risking being in the same boat as all those people with a great job but no partner to speak of?

All I am saying is that there is another side to the coin here...

Cullen82

Moomoo1 wrote: »

are you not risking being in the same boat as all those people with a great job but no partner to speak of?

All I am saying is that there is another side to the coin here...

Haha A risk!! What's wrong with "these people who have a great job and no partner"? Careful now:D


Best of luck OP

Moomoo1

Cullen82 wrote: »

Haha A risk!! What's wrong with "these people who have a great job and no partner"? Careful now:D


Best of luck OP

nothing as long as they are happy with that. Which, I am guessing, the OP may not be.

seenitall

RodSteel wrote: »

Hi OP
Break up with him, you know you want to. Its clear you want other things and he does not fit the bill for you.
You are maybe worried about being seen as selfish, heartless etc., maybe you are that, but it appears by your posts that you want more and you bf is substandard to your requirments.
You are not alone in how you think. Many women will favour a man with good earning potential over other attributes but don't like admitting it.
Its a fact of life of partner selection, unconditional love is rare these days, especially from a female perspective.

Er... uh... I can't decide whether you are just being really naive or, more probably, hypocritical to your core. Unconditional love doesn't exist, or haven't you noticed? Would you fall in love with someone who never put out, or who was hugely obese, or who was a special needs person? No? Then you can add especially from a male perspective to that.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

Men Leave: Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient

ScienceDaily (Nov. 10, 2009) — A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment."

So much for the men's take on "unconditional love".

RodSteel

seenitall wrote: »

Er... uh... I can't decide whether you are just being really naive or, more probably, hypocritical to your core. Unconditional love doesn't exist, or haven't you noticed? Would you fall in love with someone who never put out, or who was hugely obese, or who was a special needs person? No? Then you can add especially from a male perspective to that.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

Men Leave: Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient

ScienceDaily (Nov. 10, 2009) — A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment."

So much for the men's take on "unconditional love".

Maybe I am both naive and hypocritcal and more, who knows..
Yes, you are right, I would find it very hard to fall in love with an obese person, have not thought much about special needs and don't wish to comment on that.
A girl who never puts out would also be a no go area for sure (assuming you mean in the sex department)
What I was trying to say in my post earlier was that women would be more concerned with wealth/capacity to earn and be more attracted to a guy with wealth when choosing/staying with a partner, statistically speaking of course.
They may tend to question, could their partner have the capacity to support a family/kids etc as in a good provider
Whereas a guy's dominating criteria in selecting/staying with a partner could be looks, personality etc. to name two
The science daily quotes you mentioned, I would believe that to be reasonably accurate too.
My thoughts on unconditional love(and yes you are also correct that it does not exist in the pure sense) are that maybe men in choosing their partners will fall in love with fewer conditions than women and may have a more innocent/naive approach, whereas women may have a more clinical approach.
I could be wrong and I hope I don't offend in my thoughts

spinandscribble

I know where you're coming from OP. you're not saying you want your bf to be rich, just have a job or purpose. Thats not a lot to ask. Sure right now its hard but like you've said he's not even trying and doesn't care that he's putting you out.

I can relate. I felt terribly guilty for being annoyed by an ex's lack of work ethic. I realised I didn't care what my oh does, its only important that they try hard and take pride in their work. It's the way I was brought up, try your best and give it your all. Even if its just working hard to get a job. Of course when things like illness come into it its different.

Also Rodsteel I fail to see the difference between a guy disliking a girl because of her body weight and a girl disliking a guy because he has no desire to work or get a job. Neither are wrong.

I just fail to see the logic. Sure theres some women who will only date men who could provide for them (as oppose to looking for a guy capable of looking after himself) but theres just as many who wont date a girl who isn't perfectly slim.

RodSteel

spinandscribble wrote: »

Also Rodsteel I fail to see the difference between a guy disliking a girl because of her bodyweight and a girl disliking a guy because he has no desire to work or get a job. I'm not offended in any way, I just fail to see the logic. everyones love has strings attached. sure theres some women who will only date men who could provide for them (as oppose to looking for a guy capable of looking after himself) but theres just as many who wont date a girl who isn't a size ten.

There is no real difference in that logic, I agree.
Also I think it is quite normal/common for the op (more women than men) to have these thoughts with regard to earning potential, human nature as I have already said.
Whether it is right in the romantic sense is another argument which another poster has pointed out with regard to unconditional love etc.

spinandscribble

RodSteel wrote: »

There is no real difference in that logic, I agree.
Also I think it is quite normal/common for the op (more women than men) to have these thoughts with regard to earning potential, human nature as I have already said.
Whether it is right in the romantic sense is another argument which another poster has pointed out with regard to unconditional love etc.

It's not any more right in the romantic sense to value flesh.

Like I was saying it isn't earning potential, it's the ability to work and have a purpose. those are two very different things. For example a man born of wealth would be far less desirable to me then a man of far less wealth who works hard to provide for himself.

spinandscribble

I doubt many of either gender would find someone who has no desire to work, follow their dreams or improve their life desirable. This is not a female issue.

RodSteel

spinandscribble wrote: »

It's not any more right in the romantic sense to value flesh.

Like I was saying it isn't earning potential, it's the ability to work and have a purpose. those are two very different things. For example a man born of wealth would be far less desirable to me then a man of far less wealth who works hard to provide for himself.

I never said it was right or wrong in any opinon I stated or that of other posters. I am just stating how I believe it is. I have no judgement, moral or otherwise on human nature and I wont argue on those points.

spinandscribble

RodSteel wrote: »

I never said it was right or wrong in any opinion I stated or that of other posters. I am just stating how I believe it is. I have no judgement, moral or otherwise on human nature and I wont argue on those points.

But you say women have more strings attached to love then men or are less innocent in nature. is that not a judgement?

RodSteel

spinandscribble wrote: »

But you say women have more strings attached to love then men or are less innocent in nature. is that not a judgement?

My post are conclusions and opinions but not moral judgements as you are asking me questions of right and wrong in your previous post

Silverfish

Okay people can we keep this on topic and helpful to the OP rather than debates please.

Thank you.

LegacyUser

I got dumped by a woman a couple of years back as she didn't see me as financially stable.

Thing is, I didn't either at the time and it really held me back. That's just the way I am. I didn't see my self as stable, I wasn't "solvent" and I felt that that put me out of the running with a lot of women as I wasn't a "good catch".

It was my own hangup.

Anyway, recently I've got a job (as well as a couple of other things that I do) and within a day a certain confidence returned. I was feeling more confident about the future. I had in my head, more money in my pocket and I've been feeling more like asking a particular woman out.

The lack of a job/money can hold some people back and certainly it dented my confidence to a great extent.

Then again, it's horrible hanging my confidence on money and a job. It's like my inner confidence has been enhanced somewhat with my ability to spend a bit more but that's probably more to do with the freedom I now feel and the financial worry that has lifted.

I don't think I was dumped for not having a 9-5 but more my attitude about my work (too laid back) and my general lack of responsibility (which I've really been working on over the last few months). She was diligent and I wasn't.

Breaking up with him might "kill him" but might life be better for you if you do?

Moomoo1

spinandscribble wrote: »

I can relate. I felt terribly guilty for being annoyed by an ex's lack of work ethic. I realised I didn't care what my oh does, its only important that they try hard and take pride in their work. It's the way I was brought up, try your best and give it your all. Even if its just working hard to get a job. Of course when things like illness come into it its different.

would you had been happy if he worked really hard in voluntary work (i.e. for no monetary reward)?

if so, maybe that's an idea for OP's partner