Advice and Support needed

needtoquit

I'm a long term poster on topics that interest me on this board. However, I've registered a second user name for the purposes of this topic.

I am a professional worker with a degree and am very good at my job - when I'm in good form (which is usually Wednesday - Friday). Most weekends, I am out drinking from Friday night until Sunday evening. Most of my friends do the same and I'm under what I know is a false illusion that it is normal.

I have been involved in accidents that resulted in hospitalisation due to alcohol. Again, alot of my friends have had the same experience but I know that this is no excuse.

I've tried to stay of the alcohol at various stages, with the longest being about 6 months. I always seem to end up back at square one due to stupid excuses like birthdays and so on.

I know that there are so many 'excuses' that people use for drinking - birthdays, anniversarys, weddings, house warmings, etc. There always seems to be something.

I've decided to open this thread in the hope that some people that have quit drinking in the past can offer their advice.

I've looked at AA websites but the thoughts of "one day at a time" seems to be like they're living their lives as if they're making a huge sacrafice (no offence to anyone on the program who think it's working well for them).

After a couple of accidents, missed Mondays at work, wasted days hungover, and so on, I'd like to give it up.

I'd like to attempt it on my own first and will post on this board letting everyone know my progress. If I can't quit on my own (I haven't been able to so far), I'll try the AA. Otherwise, as a last resort, I'll try treatment.

I'm hoping that the support, advice and encouragement of this board will allow me to do what I haven't been able to do so so far.

Please don't just say to join a treatment center or anything right away - I won't do this and would prefer to use it as a LAST resort. I will be completely honest in this thread and tell everyone if I had a single drink.

cantdecide

As a long term t-totaller I really can't empathize with your situation but I thought I'd wish you luck with your new adventure. I will say that there is alcoholism in my family and that an uncle of mine swears by AA and says that he support he gets from the people there in the same situation is crucial to him. But that's him. Try to stay open minded is all I'm saying.

Keeping yourself distracted is going to be very important. You can't just sit around being miserable.

You should proabably post some personal details- M/F, approx age, living situation. This would might allow people in similar situations to give you practical advice.

Good luck

petethebrick

I'm in a similar situation myself. I too am reluctant to go down the AA route as I don't want to replace my social life with a series of weekly meetings and am not impressed by the religious emphasis of AA which stresses that one has no power over oneself. I've signed up to discussion lists at this site.
www.moderation.org

Rather than giving up completely this program has the aim of developing moderate drinking habits. I've ordered the main book from the site and plan to work through that.

I'm also planning to attend a meeting next week for a group called lifering. It meets at 6.30 on tuesdays and is basically advertised as a secular approach to AA. While the group has the goal of total sobriety I'm hoping that I will be able to draw on the support structure there and to combine this with attempting to adopt moderate drinking habits as per the above website.

There is no moderation management group meeting in dublin but I reckon once I get on with the literature, meetings etc I'd be interested in setting one up if other people were interested?? If anyone is let me know!

Tom Thorne

Pete - would be very interested to hear how you get on at Lifering so please keep us updated.

NeedtoQuit - best of luck. I'm into my 3rd week without boozing. I am a typical weeked binger who has become sick of it and sick of what booze can do to me physically, psychologically, financially etc. It is essential for me that I understand that I can have an active and social life without booze. I too have a great job, education, home. I go to gym 3-4 times a week etc. But when the weekend arrives I struggle to stay in and end on the piss and all of the above go to pot.
Keep us up to speed on your progress.

needtoquit

Hi,

I'm 29 years old and male. I'm currently working in England for a 2 month period and living in a hotel. Unfortunately, there's a 6 pm - 8 pm happy hour with free alcohol.

At home, I'm a weekend drinker like some of you but the happy hour thing makes me feel that I'd rather attempt to quit altogether as opposed to moderate.

If I manage the 2 months, I should be fine when I go home. Today's the first day I didn't have a pint or two in the bar and I intend to go to the gym daily from here on out.

Tomorrow, I'll be on a work-night out. I know that, if I stay off it tomorrow, the weekend won't be a problem.

I've read somewhere that it's all habit and that the first month can be tough just to get out of the habit but that, after that, it get's ALOT easier.

bank

I am a forty year old female who have always drank. Starting off with the 2/3 nights a week binges at 15. I advanced from drinking lager in pubs to wine at dinner and then worst of all, spirits before I went out. I've nearly always worked, had hangovers on mondays but survived. Had tons of events where I drank too much, didn't remember the end of the night or getting home etc. I felt awful guilt and shame but got over it all and survived to drink again. In some ways pretty normal for a lot of irish people.

I went through a dramatic family event over 8 years ago where i got very depressed and drank for a whole weekend resulting in my family convincing me to go into a treatment centre. I was so relieved to get away from society I would have agreed to go anywhere. I had the most wonderful four weeks of my life and really enjoyed my time away from life as such. During treatment they try to tell you its all about the alcohol and your disease and so on, but to be honest I just went along with it. Deep down I know its not a disease I had causing me to drink. Thats not to say I wasn't addicted to alcohol when I was drinking.

I know I drink to try and get the pleasure i first associated with alcohol when i was 15 and to stop the negative thoughts in my old head. Anyway I have decided I just don't want to be a middle aged miserable drunk. I have found a wonderful alternative called "Rational Recovery", who don't believe in AA either but believe we need to take responsibility for our own behaviour and just Stop drinking etc. Its time for me to stop drinking and my want for an alcohol free life is huge. I expect it to be very trying and difficult at times but I will feel the fear and just get on with life anyway. 6 months, one year, 10 years will go by no matter what I do so to arrive at those stages not a drunk would be absolutely wonderful and I intend to fight for that feeling.

I won't go into Rational Recovery but If your interested just take a look at their web site and read up on it. I havent subscribed. I may never. I so strongly agree with what they say about the beast/addictive voice, I didn't need much convincing. I have stopped drinking and I won't change my mind. Yes its early days/weeks only yet but I believe in myself.

Hi OP,
well done on taking that first step. Just don't be afraid to get the support from AA if you need it.
I don't know what motivators you might need, but imagine all that free time and money you'll have when you're not binging

i know that there are so many 'excuses' that people use for drinking - birthdays, anniversarys, weddings, house warmings, etc. There always seems to be something.

I don't know if it helps, but the one thing that really makes me go "wtf" is hearing someone say - "I'd like to go to x birthday but I don't feel like drinking and then I'd have to drink if I go." Just think about how ridiculous that sounds and keep that feeling with you if you go out! Remember you don't need alcohol to have a good time - or you won't once you're used to it anyway!

good luck

bank

Hi Bluewolf

Thanks for your reply. My motivators at the moment are speaking to people who have stopped drinking for what ever reason and most people I know are able to tell me that after a while you won't miss drinking at all. I will only get to this point if I completely stop forever, just like I did when I gave up smoking. I also keep in my head on an almost daily basis is the memory of the awful feeling of anxiety, depression, shame and guilt and how wonderful life could be without them. Not having to find money for cheap vodca is one thing but the amount of money I actually spent on over the counter ant acids, headache tablets etc is probably more shocking. Most of all it is so incredibly helpful to hear from other like minded people and to know I'm really not that abnormal after all.

Richie860504

I stopped drinking 3 years ago without constantly attending AA meetings.
I did attend them once in a while when I was feeling really on edge and it did help. What helped was listening to others talk about what they were going through and how they got through it.
Also I did get one-on-one counselling which really helped stay off it.

I'll be honest although my life while drinking was bad, the first six months off it was nearly just as bad. None of the feelings of guilt, fear, embarrasment, shame, anger and depression disappeared immmediately.
What I was told also happened in the first six months was that my feelings were numbed for so long by drink that they needed to find a natural level without the drink.
If you have done bad to other people don't expect forgiveness cos you stopped drinking, some people will, some won't, some people will even be jealous that your trying to improve.
You have to be willing to accept that thing's do get different when your off drink. You'll feel like the odd one out in the pubs and nightclubs when everyone else is drunk. The only thing is when you stop drinking your self confidence goes up.
You will be conscious at the start and it'll take a while to get over it, but it does happen.
It took me a good 1.5 years to start to really enjoy not drinking. The first six months were bad but I also had a load of issues to deal with when I felt confident enough to face them.

I do enjoy going out and not drinking now, I've had better nights not drinking than when I did drink, None of the guilt, hangover etc. that I used to have.

Sorry for the long post but you looked for honesty and this is my most honest experience of what giving up drink was like for me and if I had someone to tell me this earlier maybe I wouldn't have taken 6 years to stop.

Good luck to anyone thats stopped drinking.

If anyone feels they need support or simply just someone to chat to. PM me anytime and I'll get back to you asap. I know from my own experience that anyone that does stop, needs to talk to someone at some stage and I found it better when it was someone who knew what it was like.

bank

hi

It is good to know that we can look forward to genuinely being ok with not drinking after a lenght of time even if it takes a year or two. That's exactly how I managed to give up cigerettes after many years. I just said to myself that no matter what happens or how I feel over the next 6 months, the time will pass regardless. I know I will hopefully live for the next year and when next year comes I want to look back and say "Thank God I gave it everything and didn't give in".

Richie860504

Exactly bank, if someone's life has become a mess and they think it's because of drink the best thing to do is stop. They will notice some advantages straight away but will find it hard also. But the way I kept thinking was I could go two ways, drink be back at square one and continue on the path to certain death or prison or put the head down, grit the teeth so hard that their nearly breaking and break through every barrier and see then if all the effort was worth it.
I was with a shrink when I was 18 and he told me he could gaurantee me 1 of 2 things would happen to me, Death or Prison.
Luckily he was wrong, I did get in trouble with the gaurds but never got sent to prison.
I look back now and think how stupid I was not listening to him, It would have saved me 6 years of aggro and a whole lot of money.
I stopped drinking 3 years now and am still paying for it because of the money I borrowed from the banks, by the time I stopped drinking, I was in debt of 33,000 euro. Gladly now I have been able to get that down to 15000 in just under 3 years. That is something I would not have been able to do if I was still drinking.
Also I really hate using "Giving up drink", it sounds like you have to do it. This is just my opinion but it helped me through some of my weak times. I prefer "I stopped drinking". I had a choice, I could continue to drink or I could stop. I don't know but that thought alone kept my determination solid in some very weak times.
Maybe because I felt I had a choice and I knew I was picking the right one. I don't know it helped me and hopefully thinking like that can help someone here.

bank

Hi Richie806504

Your post is very inspirational to me thanks. It really is what I need to hear. The honesty that things are and could be difficult at the beginning is good because if we are not prepared for the worst, it is easier to convince ourselves its too hard and give up. I think everyones experience and story with drink/drugs is going to be different no matter what.

We as a society get very caught up in "how bad" or "what level we're at" We look to others to see if we have a problem or if what we're doing is ok and normal compared to everyone else. I think its absolutely ridiculous how acceptable any level of drunkeness is in Ireland. We all know that things are completely out of hand regards drink and drugs and it will take some very strong people to begin the process of transformation (whatever that is?)

I have wasted so many years but have so many to come. I am going to make the second half of my life well worth living.

I am not giving Up Alcohol anymore. I have made one of the most important decisions of my life and decided to Stop drinking alcohol for the remainder of my life.

martin0519

petethebrick wrote: »

I'm also planning to attend a meeting next week for a group called lifering. It meets at 6.30 on tuesdays and is basically advertised as a secular approach to AA.

Lifering is definitely not a "secular approach to AA". It stands on its own merits. Lifering focuses on empowering the sober self within each of us. Powerlessness is NOT part of the LifeRing message. There is no reliance on a higher power or god. There is not "program" as embodied in the steps to follow.

zero_nine

bank wrote: »

Hi Richie806504

Your post is very inspirational to me thanks. It really is what I need to hear. The honesty that things are and could be difficult at the beginning is good because if we are not prepared for the worst, it is easier to convince ourselves its too hard and give up. I think everyones experience and story with drink/drugs is going to be different no matter what.

We as a society get very caught up in "how bad" or "what level we're at" We look to others to see if we have a problem or if what we're doing is ok and normal compared to everyone else. I think its absolutely ridiculous how acceptable any level of drunkeness is in Ireland. We all know that things are completely out of hand regards drink and drugs and it will take some very strong people to begin the process of transformation (whatever that is?)

I have wasted so many years but have so many to come. I am going to make the second half of my life well worth living.

I am not giving Up Alcohol anymore. I have made one of the most important decisions of my life and decided to Stop drinking alcohol for the remainder of my life.

Hi Bank, Just asking, are you still off the drink? and what RR resources have you used?

bank

Hi Zero Nine

I would give anything to say "yes" but who am I lying to! I had a dramatic weekend and made a ridiculous decision yesterday evening and went and bought a bottle of vodca. I guess I am fortunate in the fact that I can't drink two days in a row. I am unable to put anything in my stomach. I can barely drink water today. I am ashamed to have let myself down like this. It doesnt matter that no one knows I drank or that I didn't go do anything mad but all the same, I promised myself that I'd changed my stupid ways. I think perhaps I do need some sort of back up/help. AA is out of the question for me. However I'd love to hear from anyone who had gone to the "lifering" meetings on Tuesdays. Where are they held, how many people go etc. sor but have to go as feeling v. sick

zero_nine

bank wrote: »

Hi Zero Nine

I would give anything to say "yes" but who am I lying to! I had a dramatic weekend and made a ridiculous decision yesterday evening and went and bought a bottle of vodca. I guess I am fortunate in the fact that I can't drink two days in a row. I am unable to put anything in my stomach. I can barely drink water today. I am ashamed to have let myself down like this. It doesnt matter that no one knows I drank or that I didn't go do anything mad but all the same, I promised myself that I'd changed my stupid ways. I think perhaps I do need some sort of back up/help. AA is out of the question for me. However I'd love to hear from anyone who had gone to the "lifering" meetings on Tuesdays. Where are they held, how many people go etc. sor but have to go as feeling v. sick

Thats unfortunate, but I'm not fairing much better. I'm not even sure if I actually want too quit anymore...sometimes I want to and sometimes I don't- maybe its just something I have to grin and bear!

martin0519

The list of Dublin meetings can be found at http://lifering.org/wp/meetinglist/meetings3.pdf

A new meeting is starting tomorrow in St John of God Hospital. See:
http://lifering.org/wp/2010/07/fourth-lifering-in-dublin-ireland/

Here is a write up talking about the groups and how many are attending. See:
http://lifering.org/wp/2010/06/ireland-update/

I have been at several of the Tuesday night meetings and find them to be a breath of fresh air. The atmosphere is very positive. No one is required to talk but everyone is given a chance.

Elfay

I've been around AA for 29 years, I grew up in America; I went to treatment in Minnesota and did the whole 28 day thing and then 2 years of half-way houses and aftercare. I then went on to work in treatment centers after I finished university for 5 years as a counselor.
I've lived in 4 different countries and about 14 different cities
No one...in all that time...has ever MADE me think or feel anything about GOD in a religious way.
No one has ever asked me to be anything other than my best self; don't drink, work hard and simply keep my mind open to what others are saying.
This is how AA works, this is how life in general works: Some people and situations are really helpful...some are ****e....this is life.
If you went to an AA meeting you didn't like; find another one!? If you went to a meeting you did like; be a part of keeping it that way.
My experience with people who only find problems with AA in general, is that they didn't go much.
Treatment and AA are two very different things.
If you are giving anyone money to stay sober (not GET sober mind you, that can often take a hospital or Tx center stay) but STAY sober and live a life you're proud of, you're being taken advantage of.
I am smart, incisive and cynical, most alcoholics are. Do you honestly think AA would have lasted this long all around the world if it was actually just a bunch of religious bull****!?
Dublin is full of meetings; some I can take and some I can't. For example; I'm not catholic and the whole lords prayer thing that's babbled at the end of meetings here drives me nuts. But I learned a long time ago; take what you need and leave the rest.
The ironic thing is; AA IS actually for everyone, but you have to go and stick around and make it the kind of meeting that works for you - because the truth is you're not unique and a lot of people will be incredibly glad there's a meeting like that for them to go to as well.
I did not get sober to have a ****ty life; but I did get sober to have a real life, and sometimes that's ****ty. I know I'm not alone in that.
El

martin0519

The message posted by Elfay is interesting. Many people find that AA does not suit them. In the US there are many choices available. Smart Recovery, Rational Recovery and LifeRing are but some. Even within AA there are "Freethinker" groups. Look them up on the net.

When people are given alternatives to choose from, they tend to choose what works for them. Studies tend to show this. (citations omitted).

If AA works for a person, they should definitely stick with it. However, if it does not work they can choose what is best for them.

M