Partner of 10 yrs won't marry - any advice??

14qgrctp8yfv60

I have been going out with my boyfriend for just over 10yrs - we have a 6yr old & a new baby & bought a hse together 7 yrs ago. Three yrs ago he was coming into some money and was talking about getting a sports car so I asked 'would you not consider getting married ahead of a car' so he just kind of agreed and we got a ring together and he just said I could wear it now and that was it (no proposal as such just me steering him to get engaged). As the months went on I tried to get him to choose a date, venue etc for the wedding but he had no interest - now I realise I should have just run with it but after the limp engagement I guess I didn't have usual excitement for arranging this.

As the year went on and 2 friend's & a cousin's wedding with all the questions about when was our big day (he just said 'not for a while' and I just felt sad) I brought the subject up again about our wedding and tried to agree a saving plan for it but again no interest on his part then finally after 18 months (June 2008) I forced him to decide that Apr 2010 would be the date. However he lost his job in Jan 2009 and without any real discussion with me (financial implications, wedding plans etc) he decided to go back to college.

Now I know this is mainly my fault but I got pregnant in Sep 2009 (our child was 5 going on 6 & gap was only growing) and now with child of 6 and small baby I just can't help feeling so low about the whole marriage issue and can't understand how he will stay with me (we have a nice home, 2 beautiful children etc) but won't marry me knowing that it is something that is so important to me. We have had an argument about this again and now I just feel like we should split up since he doesn't have enough love or respect for me to marry me maybe he should just go and find whoever it is he seems to be holding out for?

Agent J

Hold up. Mainly your fault you got pregnant? Personally i'd say you were 50% responsible.

Do you know is it the actual marraige idea itself he has a problem with or is it the "big day" (With all its stresses) he has a problem with?

In other words if you just eloped would it still be an issue for him?

Overheal

How did he convince you getting pregnant was Mainly your fault?

I could learn a thing or two from a pint with this man.

Either way am I right in assuming his attitude is he is the victim of something here?

newtoboards

Do you know why he's not very excited about marriage? Has he ever seemed excited about it. Did you ever discuss marriage before the 7 year marker. Perhaps he would like a quiet registry office affair and is afraid of the notion of a big day out? You need to decide if being married to him is more important than the relationship you have with him currently. Take some time to think about this long and hard so that you have no doubt in your mind about your decision.

Ian Beale

To be honest it doesn't sound like he's going to leave you, together for over ten years, 2 kids and a mortgage. Sounds like he's just happy with things as they are and he might think why does he need a piece of paper to prove his comitment, try sitting down for a talk away from the kids and have it out calmly. It's the best way to get to the bottom of it.

tbh

When talking to your o/h about it, are you talking about the wedding or are you talking about the marriage? Are you able to explain why being married is so important to you, and how does he react to that?

Taltos

OP I guess you have to decide what is more important to you

a) Loving & committed relationship - abeit a small streak of selfishness
b) One day of glam and glitz with the years of dept it entails
c) what others think of you

I am just wondering on c above how much of this is driven by other peoples comments - you did refer to being asked at the weddings. I know people are just being interested - but that is also nosey.

I suggest you sit down and talk to him. Don't fly off the handle or turn on the water-works - but just ask him why he is not that pushed - is it the expense, is it the stress or does he just not believe in marriage. Cause after 10yrs and 2 kids in all but name that is what you have. Just wondering how many blokes would have done a runner after the 1st kid let alone the 2nd, added to that is the stress of losing his job- personally I would be cracking up right now - and I mean major time.

A suggestion for you - if it is the expense and the stress - then go the legal route - a civil ceremony. We did this years ago abroad - and to be honest it was the best holiday of our lives. Did we miss the big fuss at home - a bit - but did not miss for one moment the expense or the stress of it all.

Talk to him - and be prepared to listen. Losing your job can really knock you - not saying at all this is why he is not pushed - just warning you that the stress he may be under could prompt a rash and stupid decision if he feels you are stressing him even more....

CathyMoran

He does seem commited to you, two lovely children and a morgage but maybe it is the big ceremony that is scaring him (as others have said), I know that I was petrified of the big do and wanted a small ceremony...as events would have it we eventually had a tiny wedding and have been happily married ever since. I do also think thought that you need to discuss things in general a lot more.

Jenneke87

The first thing that came to mind after reading your post was:" This man does not want to get married." If he really wanted to, me thinks, he would have told you and would show at least some bit of enthusiasm. If he really doesn´t want to have a big ceremonie and spend loads of money on it, I think he would have told you.

Some men don´t want to marry. You need to have a good conversation with him and find out whether he is such a man or not. And then decide what´s more important to you: being married or not....

Abi

Liana Kind Zoo wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for just over 10yrs - we have a 6yr old & a new baby & bought a hse together 7 yrs ago. Three yrs ago he was coming into some money and was talking about getting a sports car so I asked 'would you not consider getting married ahead of a car' so he just kind of agreed and we got a ring together and he just said I could wear it now and that was it (no proposal as such just me steering him to get engaged). As the months went on I tried to get him to choose a date, venue etc for the wedding but he had no interest - now I realise I should have just run with it but after the limp engagement I guess I didn't have usual excitement for arranging this.

As the year went on and 2 friend's & a cousin's wedding with all the questions about when was our big day (he just said 'not for a while' and I just felt sad) I brought the subject up again about our wedding and tried to agree a saving plan for it but again no interest on his part then finally after 18 months (June 2008) I forced him to decide that Apr 2010 would be the date. However he lost his job in Jan 2009 and without any real discussion with me (financial implications, wedding plans etc) he decided to go back to college.

Now I know this is mainly my fault but I got pregnant in Sep 2009 (our child was 5 going on 6 & gap was only growing) and now with child of 6 and small baby I just can't help feeling so low about the whole marriage issue and can't understand how he will stay with me (we have a nice home, 2 beautiful children etc) but won't marry me knowing that it is something that is so important to me. We have had an argument about this again and now I just feel like we should split up since he doesn't have enough love or respect for me to marry me maybe he should just go and find whoever it is he seems to be holding out for?

This last line sticks out like a sore thumb to me here. Is that what you really think? If you think thats what hes really doing, do you think marraige will somehow prevent this from happening? A lot of people would disagree with you on that one.

If he is still with you after this length of time with two kids and a house, that doesn't exactly ring any alarm bells for me. I think you're actually making this a much bigger problem than it is, and I certainly wouldn't be cornering him to set dates etc until you both sit down and lay your cards on the table - or theres always a chance this could back-fire on you.

I mention this also because attitudes to marraige vary, be it man or a woman. but I got married after a longer period of time than you and your OH are with each other, because it seemed like the next thing we were supposed to do (with all eyes on us) Big mistake right there, it personally ruined things for me and I ended the marraige soon after. That piece of paper might as well have been a bag over my head suffrocating the life out of me. My attitude to relationships now is 'if its not broke, don't fix it'.

If you want him to talk to you honestly about this, you're going to have to calm down a bit about it, take stock of what you have and realise he HAS been by your side all along. Whatever you do, don't throw the 'who are you holding out for' card at him. You'll only make yourself look crazy, because its very far from the truth from what I can see.

Miss Fluff

Liana Kind Zoo wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for just over 10yrs - we have a 6yr old & a new baby & bought a hse together 7 yrs ago. Three yrs ago he was coming into some money and was talking about getting a sports car so I asked 'would you not consider getting married ahead of a car' so he just kind of agreed and we got a ring together and he just said I could wear it now and that was it (no proposal as such just me steering him to get engaged). As the months went on I tried to get him to choose a date, venue etc for the wedding but he had no interest - now I realise I should have just run with it but after the limp engagement I guess I didn't have usual excitement for arranging this.

As the year went on and 2 friend's & a cousin's wedding with all the questions about when was our big day (he just said 'not for a while' and I just felt sad) I brought the subject up again about our wedding and tried to agree a saving plan for it but again no interest on his part then finally after 18 months (June 2008) I forced him to decide that Apr 2010 would be the date. However he lost his job in Jan 2009 and without any real discussion with me (financial implications, wedding plans etc) he decided to go back to college.

Now I know this is mainly my fault but I got pregnant in Sep 2009 (our child was 5 going on 6 & gap was only growing) and now with child of 6 and small baby I just can't help feeling so low about the whole marriage issue and can't understand how he will stay with me (we have a nice home, 2 beautiful children etc) but won't marry me knowing that it is something that is so important to me. We have had an argument about this again and now I just feel like we should split up since he doesn't have enough love or respect for me to marry me maybe he should just go and find whoever it is he seems to be holding out for?

I think you need to clearly go back over your post and make the very clear distinction between a "wedding" and "marriage". They are two completely different things so you need to be honest with yourself what you really want here.

If you simply want the man you love and the father of your children to make that ultimate commitment to you, to seal the ten wonderful years you have spent together by making the religious and civil tie to you official then you need to tell him that. And then the two of you can go and do it with a couple of witnesses or go to your local church with 10 friends and just do it. Or just go abroad with your two babies and get married in an intimate ceremony on a beach. Or do what I did and have a hand-fasting ceremony (although it's not legally binding - thank God;), he's an ex now!!) But it really is that simple. You can get married and become husband and wife for a couple of hundred quid if that is what really truly matters to you.

Not to be too presumptious but it sounds to me like you want the big day with all eyes on you and inviting everyone you know and throwing a big flash expensive party and being made a fuss of. (Personally that would bring me out in hives but it is what an awful lot of girls want and have dreamt about it from their childhoods and there is nothing wrong with that). If that's what you want then you need to really seriously consider how you can really compromise here though. Setting out savings plans and the prospect of huge financial commitments to a chap who lost his job a year ago isn't really fair imho.

You need to have a think about your priorities and then address it again.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

There seems to be a lot of fishing and hints followed by some mumblings and avoidance - have you tried sitting him down and having a frank and honest heart to heart about what he wants and how he sees the future going for you both?

I wouldn't assume he's waiting on anyone or anything; 10yrs, two kids and a mortgage is a fairly gargantuan commitment by anybodies standards and I think you should avoid any of the "doesn't love or respect me enough to get married" emotional blackmail as well - do you love or respect him enough not to get married? It's a joint decision and one you should both be equally enthusiastic about. If he's not enthusiastic then talk to him and find out why and what compromises can be made so you are both happy.

Best of luck.

iguana

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Or do what I did and have a hand-fasting ceremony (although it's not legally binding - thank God;),

Handfasting ceremonies are legal now if they are done by a licensed solemniser.

Other than that your post is on the money. The OP does seem to be all about the wedding and not the marriage. There are a lot of very good reasons to get married. The most important imo are the legal next-of-kin rights and guardianship rights to fathers.

I spent quite a bit of time this year in an ICU ward where my husband was the patient and I wouldn't have been allowed to be there if I wasn't his wife, nor would his doctors and nurses have been allowed to inform me of his condition. There was a while where he was in danger of not pulling through and I would not have been allowed to see him if in law I was just his girlfriend.

I don't believe that two people who are married necessarily love each other any more than an unmarried couple. I don't believe that marriage is any guarantee at all that your relationship will last forever. I really don't believe that your wedding day is the biggest and best day of your life (because if it is what's the point of the marriage which follows it). But I do know that marriage has very real legal meanings and that by not marrying you leave yourself/your partner vulnerable in certain circumstances.

14qgrctp8yfv60

Yes maybe I was just freaking out a bit there - not really too pushed about the 'big day' but would like to celebrate it and have the security that goes with being married - will talk to him but here again I'm going to be practically begging him to get married which isn't such a nice position for a woman to be in but then if I wait for it to dawn on him well another 10 yrs and I'll be 41 if he even thinks of it then...... perhaps my frustration is taking over here again but thank you all for the advice

bills

He does sound very committed to you. A lot of men may see buying the house & having kids as sufficient commitment. However, you dont sound happy with that & to some people marriage maybe a deal breaker & thats your decision to make.

Would you be happy staying as you are or would you spend your life disappointed that marriage (not a wedding) never happened ? I think you need to talk to him & get a definitive answer on what he wants & when? Because, if he agreed to marry you - then you deserve an honest answer on that

LegacyUser

Marriage is a meaningless tradition in today's world and merely serves to pump money into a corrupt and abusive organization. If you really want a "marriage" then meet in the middle and have a nice, cheap ceremony with friends and family somewhere nice. He clearly isn't pushed about spending thousands upon thousands of euro on a day for you to impress your mates.

iguana

CoolStoryBro wrote: »

Marriage is a meaningless tradition in today's world and merely serves to pump money into a corrupt and abusive organization.

No it isn't. It's the means by which you and your partner are legally recognised as a family. It confers next-of-kin rights which mean if your partner is seriously ill you can be with them, can be informed of their condition, can make decisions for them if they are incapacitated, without being married you are legally nothing to your partner. And as the law is currently for fathers, guardianship over their children, unmarried fathers have very few rights to their children. In fact if the couple split up and the mother remarries her husband has more rights to the children than their father.

jam_mac_jam

Ask him straight out, does he want to get married or not. Some people dont, he may be madly in love with you but not want to get married, some people dont. I dont believe in it all that much, however it doesnt mean that I cant be commited. You need to know one way or the other.

Ickle Magoo

CoolStoryBro wrote: »

Marriage is a meaningless tradition in today's world and merely serves to pump money into a corrupt and abusive organization.

Huh? I am the proud owner of a certification of marriage and didn't go near a church - are you referring to the licence fee going to the government?

iguana

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

are you referring to the licence fee going to the government?

Tbh, he might be, I can certainly see how they might be described as corrupt and even abusive at a stretch.;)

Motley Crue

Liana Kind Zoo wrote: »

Now I know this is mainly my fault but I got pregnant in Sep 2009 (our child was 5 going on 6 & gap was only growing)

Hold on a second. Unless you insisted he not use protection and you told him you were using protection yourself but then lied so that you could have a child close to your other child's age - regardless of any possible objections - I don't see how it's completely your fault that you got pregnant.

kenbrady

Some people just fall into relationships. Meet someone, go out a few years, buy a house, etc.. Sometimes they get married as it is the next step sometimes they don't.
Usually one of these people doesn't love the other, it's just habit and comfortable.

Forget about the legal aspect of marriage. A wedding is a way of declaring your love and pride in your partner in front of all your friends/family. It's a fact some people won't marry their partner. Because they don't love them. They have kids, house, life together, but are not in love.

Usually the woman who go around saying, "Oh I don't want to get married, it's just a piece of paper, waste of money, excuse for a party. We love each other, there is need to get married" are the ones who are dieing to get married. They just say the above to try and convince themselves everything is fine.

Liana Kind Zoo wrote: »

he doesn't have enough love or respect for me to marry me maybe he should just go and find whoever it is he seems to be holding out for?

I agree with you and no one knows the situation better then you.

WaltKowalski

kenbrady wrote: »

Some people just fall into relationships. Meet someone, go out a few years, buy a house, etc.. Sometimes they get married as it is the next step sometimes they don't.
Usually one of these people doesn't love the other, it's just habit and comfortable.

That's depressing.

seenitall

WaltKowalski wrote: »

That's depressing.

...but true.

Sebastien De Valmont

Liana Kind Zoo wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for just over 10yrs - we have a 6yr old & a new baby & bought a hse together 7 yrs ago. Three yrs ago he was coming into some money and was talking about getting a sports car so I asked 'would you not consider getting married ahead of a car' so he just kind of agreed and we got a ring together and he just said I could wear it now and that was it (no proposal as such just me steering him to get engaged). As the months went on I tried to get him to choose a date, venue etc for the wedding but he had no interest - now I realise I should have just run with it but after the limp engagement I guess I didn't have usual excitement for arranging this.

As the year went on and 2 friend's & a cousin's wedding with all the questions about when was our big day (he just said 'not for a while' and I just felt sad) I brought the subject up again about our wedding and tried to agree a saving plan for it but again no interest on his part then finally after 18 months (June 2008) I forced him to decide that Apr 2010 would be the date. However he lost his job in Jan 2009 and without any real discussion with me (financial implications, wedding plans etc) he decided to go back to college.

Now I know this is mainly my fault but I got pregnant in Sep 2009 (our child was 5 going on 6 & gap was only growing) and now with child of 6 and small baby I just can't help feeling so low about the whole marriage issue and can't understand how he will stay with me (we have a nice home, 2 beautiful children etc) but won't marry me knowing that it is something that is so important to me. We have had an argument about this again and now I just feel like we should split up since he doesn't have enough love or respect for me to marry me maybe he should just go and find whoever it is he seems to be holding out for?

He's not the marrying kind or else he just not ready.
Just because you have a nice home and two beautiful kids that does not automatically mean he wants to get married.
He sounds like a decent man if you have been with him for 10 years and have two kids.
When he lost his job he went back to college using his own initiative which shows real maturity and mountains of cop on.
As he probably sees it, he's a man and he makes his own decisions.
He's obviously trying to get another job with his future qualifications.
Some people don't see the point of being married and that it is just sentimental hocus pocus.
He probably sees that you are a couple, you have kids, you live together already so marriage is just an irrelevant rubber stamp.
You are obviously more traditional and being married means something.
By now though you must know that he doesn't share your opinion and rather than hurt your feelings has been diplomatic.
splitting with him would be a disaster for you and the kids.
There is no need to drop a nuclear bomb.
He suits himself. That's just the way he is. He is a strong personality and he isn't going to change for anyone.
You just have to accept that and live with it.
There is no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

Nevyn

Make a list of the legal protections which you don't have as you are not married.
From him not having guardianship of the kids to next of kin to heritance tax ect ect
and see if that makes a difference to him nad if he is willing to take the legal steps to try and put some of those in place.

You can't discuss this until you know exactly what his objections are.

Beruthiel

Thaedydal wrote: »

Make a list of the legal protections which you don't have as you are not married.
From him not having guardianship of the kids to next of kin to heritance tax ect ect
and see if that makes a difference to him nad if he is willing to take the legal steps to try and put some of those in place.

You can't discuss this until you know exactly what his objections are.

Or it could simply be that he's not into big flashy weddings. A small, civil ceremony can be done for the Registrar fee of €150.

Could be that he's happy as things are and is afraid to rock the boat.

Either way OP, a man doesn't stand by you for 10 years if he's not happy.

How Strange

There was some deal breakers with my OH that if I'd wanted them we probably wouldn't have gotten married. He didn't want to get married in a church and he didn't want the big traditional Irish wedding. Luckily neither did I but if I had been set on the big white day I think we'd still be cohabiting.

OP, IMO you need to discuss marriage in terms of security and legal protection rather than the actual wedding. You have kids and have been together for 10 years so at this stage marriage is something which will make your relationship more secure for both of you but most importantly for him as a father.

seenitall

Beruthiel wrote: »

Or it could simply be that he's not into big flashy weddings. A small, civil ceremony can be done for the Registrar fee of €150.

Could be that he's happy as things are and is afraid to rock the boat.

Either way OP, a man doesn't stand by you for 10 years if he's not happy.

I think this is a case of rose-tinted glasses a bit. Or, to word it nicer, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Sure, he's happy... but in this case, his happiness doesn't equate to hers.

I know a guy who has been happy cohabiting with his girlfriend for 10 years now. There is no sign of marriage, nor will there be. He is just stringing her along, waiting to meet "the one". They are both 37.

He's happy, she's screwed.

LegacyUser

kenbrady wrote: »

Some people just fall into relationships. Meet someone, go out a few years, buy a house, etc.. Sometimes they get married as it is the next step sometimes they don't.
Usually one of these people doesn't love the other, it's just habit and comfortable.

Forget about the legal aspect of marriage. A wedding is a way of declaring your love and pride in your partner in front of all your friends/family. It's a fact some people won't marry their partner. Because they don't love them. They have kids, house, life together, but are not in love.

Usually the woman who go around saying, "Oh I don't want to get married, it's just a piece of paper, waste of money, excuse for a party. We love each other, there is need to get married" are the ones who are dieing to get married. They just say the above to try and convince themselves everything is fine.

Couldn't agree more with you, my best friend (male) is in this exact situation and I know several other people who also are.

My friend saw his circle of buddies settling down, they reached that age where they were too busy with wives and kids to go nightclubbing. He realised it was probably time for him to follow down the same route, he was casually seeing a girl for a while, they moved in together (because that's what people do..), she waited on marriage but he wasn't in love, just happy as things are, better than single and alone for the rest of his life, she suggested marriage, he pretended to not be into the marriage thing, not religious, etc. She got pregnant, they continued to patter along happily (though never ecstatically) through life.
And luckily (as far as he's concerned) she stopped mentioning marriage, and they had another kid. Now he's got children to take care of him when he gets old, a woman to mother them and provide him with love (sex) when he needs it, someone to keep him warm in bed at night, but to say he was ever in love with her enough to marry her would be silly, and I think that's clear to all of our male circle of friends, and he's certainly not the only one.

(He's told me all of the above, I'm not just assuming)

True whirlwind love is incredibly rare, the vast majority of men will just settle. (Personally, I'm still waiting, refusing to just settle for someone that I don't love with all I have)

And I think it's impossible to recapture that innocent excitement about the future that surrounds marriage/a wedding, when you've been living together with children for years and years. To most men, I think they gain a "why bother now?" attitude. Sure, there's the legal stuff that comes with the piece of paper, but I'm not sure that's enough to sway most.

jam_mac_jam

I dont think you can generalise, some people, men and women dont want to get married. It doesnt mean that they dont love their partner, is it really that hard for people to accept people having different opinions. if he doesnt want to get married, it means he is settling? that's a bit of an assumption.

I dont want to marry my partner not because I am not madly in love but there are better ways of showing it, not everyone is in to it. (and I am quite mean)

iguana

mach6 wrote: »

Sure, there's the legal stuff that comes with the piece of paper, but I'm not sure that's enough to sway most.

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

I dont want to marry my partner not because I am not madly in love but there are better ways of showing it, not everyone is in to it.

Wait until there's a 50/50 chance that their partner will pull through an illness but they are not allowed to see that person or even know what is going on.

jam_mac_jam

iguana wrote: »

Wait until there's a 50/50 chance that their partner will pull through an illness but they are not allowed to see that person or even know what is going on.

ah, of course there reasons such as that, I am in no way slagging off marriage. but it doesnt mean that because somebody doesnt want to get married that they are not in love.

iguana

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

ah, of course there reasons such as that, I am in no way slagging off marriage. but it doesnt mean that because somebody doesnt want to get married that they are not in love.

No it absolutely doesn't. I don't doubt for one second that there are an awful lot of unmarried couples who love each other far more than many married couples do. But marriage is very far from a meaningless paper, it offers serious legal rights, responsibilities and protections. As far as the law is concerned it makes you and your spouse a primary family whereas without it you are virtually strangers. It's actually a very, very important piece of paper.

It's not the only reason to get married, I will admit I very much wanted to be my husband's wife and for him to be my husband. But the legal meaning was also very important to me. And after spending a week sitting in an ICU room and having every nurse and doctor who I encountered verify that we were married before allowing me in to the ward or telling me what was happening I really think anyone who isn't married needs to seriously considering just doing it for the sake of the legal protections.

jam_mac_jam

iguana wrote: »

No it absolutely doesn't. I don't doubt for one second that there are an awful lot of unmarried couples who love each other far more than many married couples do. But marriage is very far from a meaningless paper, it offers serious legal rights, responsibilities and protections. As far as the law is concerned it makes you and your spouse a primary family whereas without it you are virtually strangers. It's actually a very, very important piece of paper.

It's not the only reason to get married, I will admit I very much wanted to be my husband's wife and for him to be my husband. But the legal meaning was also very important to me. And after spending a week sitting in an ICU room and having every nurse and doctor who I encountered verify that we were married before allowing me in to the ward or telling me what was happening I really think anyone who isn't married needs to seriously considering just doing it for the sake of the legal protections.

You are actually scaring me now... not enough to change my mind but its something I never really thought about.