Three weeks since husband left

Bellablue

Apologies, I'm back again! :rolleyes:

I posted a couple of weeks ago on how my husband had recently left me. We were married nearly 4 years (together for 12). A few days following, we had an emotional conversation in which we "decided" that this may be the right thing for us and we were better as friends.

See my previous thread here:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055932522

However, after much thinking I realised I had only been saying what he wanted to hear and was trying to make him feel less guilty about leaving by agreeing with him.

We met again, and this time I told him the truth. Our marriage had been under extreme pressure from day 1, from external problems with bereavement, illness, debt, caring for close family members as well as my own issues with depression and anxiety. I explained how I couldn't believe that he'd let these issues build up to the stage where he would just leave rather than make any attempt to sort things out. He returned by saying that he couldn't bring it up any sooner as he didn't think I would have been able to cope.

I believe that all the essential ingredients for a good relationship are still there - compatibility, shared values, attraction etc. I also said that I felt I would have difficulty moving on if we ended things in this way, as I would always torture myself with what our marriage could have been like if he had allowed us to have another try - free from the issues that we dealt with over the last few years.

We have talked again a few times since - each conversation usually ending with him becoming increasingly frustrated and upset because we are talking in circles. He says that if we got back together, no matter how happy we were he would never truly relax because he would always be waiting for things to return to "the bad old days".

In the back of my mind I still believe that things are over. But I also seem to be getting mixed messages from him. He says he does not want to come back but then also says he knows he may be making a mistake. He has started seeing a counsellor as the break up seems to have brought some other issues to the surface for him - unrelated to us. He has also said that his head is a mess and that he wants to talk to counsellor as an independent 3rd party to see if there is something he is missing with regards to us.

I know that what he wants me to do is say "Ok, I am giving up. I won't try anymore. Let's just leave it be" I feel I can't do this as I think that at least if we did give things another go we'd know for sure either way? I feel as if the rug has been completely pulled from under me. He decided to voice the problem and then leave - skipping the step in between where you try to fix it!

I'm absolutely exhausted from all this. The highs and lows of emotions are so draining and days are really starting to become a struggle.

Any advice would be so welcome

Bella

Ickle Magoo

You have to ask him straight out if he sees any kind of future for you...and then you have to accept his answer. It sounds like he has some issues in the background but it doesn't sound like he's moved from his initial position of not wanting to be married and perhaps he too is guilty saying things because it's what you want to hear?

I think you need some concrete answers and perimeters to work with and if he won't give you them now, you need a time frame in which he will, maybes and possibly's just leave you in limbo and really aren't fair.

Best of luck.

Denimgirl

Would he agree to go to RELATE marriage guidence counseling? I'm not married but I know a lot of people that are and like any other relationship theres bad times and good times!it's so easy to bail out when the going gets tough instead of riding the wave and push through the bad times together.

sara-lou

I really feel for you.

Maybe he does have other issues to work through?? It could completely explain why he hasn't dealt with problems prior to this. i.e not adressing them. If he feels pressure while he is going through stuff it might push him away a bit.

I am completely sympathetic to what you are going through but until he adresses his own issues you should offer him as much support he needs cos unless he can fix himself ye can not fix your marriage. Same goes for you. you need to be clear on your own personal issues. I know you are in limbo at the mo but if ye want the same things and still have attraction etc all is not lost!

Best of luck to ye both

StarryMoon0

are you going to counselling?
if he's willing to go and work on his issues, maybe you could do the same.
Just saying as you make reference to some things...
thing is, if he works on his stuff and gets in a "better place" he won't even want to try if he's scared or the "bad old days"..

I in counselling and my original reason for going was to talk about how much my husband had hurt me...after a while it became evident that i had my own issues and by working on those i was able to see how I allowed things to progress to where they were..and ma making some changes in my own behaviour..

Memnoch

I would have to echo Ickle Magoo's advice.

I hate to say this OP, but it sounds to me like it's over between you and him. Based on your post, it sounds like his mind is really made up and all that mixed signal stuff is just his way of trying to soften the blow and feeling guilty about it.

If your marriage has any chance of working out then it has to come from him. You've made your position clear, if you want to make it clear one more time, then go ahead, but no more. Just say to him that you want to work on it, and it's up to him if he wants to or not, but don't get into an argument over it and DEFINITELY don't try to convince him that he should work on it.

Because sadly, if his mind is made up, you might still be able to (inadvertently) guilt him into giving things another go and all that will do is prolong the inevitable and the hurt.

What you want is to work things out and fix your marriage and that's admirable and totally understandable. And as cold as this sounds, what you need is clarity. And this situation going on the way it is, is doing nothing for your self-esteem.

I don't buy this "I'm confused," stuff. There's nothing confusing about love. Either you want to be with someone, or you don't. And you deserve someone who wants to be with you.

Stay strong.

Bellablue

are you going to counselling?
if he's willing to go and work on his issues, maybe you could do the same.

Yes I am. I had been given the number of a counsellor by my GP a year or so ago but didn't go as I was too afraid.A couple of weeks ago I finally gave her a ring and went for my first appointment (This was before I found out my husband had also been referred for counselling)

Thing is, although I know ultimately everyone is responsible for their own behaviour/actions, I really wish he'd sat me down and told me that our marriage could not continue if I didn't get a hold of myself and see someone/sort myself out. Unfortunately his easygoing nature meant by the time he got the nerve to speak up, in his mind we had already reached the point of no return, and that is what I feel so gutted about. I had no chance.

I hate to say this OP, but it sounds to me like it's over between you and him. Based on your post, it sounds like his mind is really made up and all that mixed signal stuff is just his way of trying to soften the blow and feeling guilty about it.

I don't disagree with you at all, Memnoch. I know for a fact that he is feeling unbelievably weighed down with guilt about leaving. I also genuinely think he won't be able to let himself give things another go.

However, our relationship lasted 12 years. That's almost half my life. And as I say, all the other crucial aspects of a good relationship are still there.
Those who know us a.) are still saying that they can't believe this happened to us of all couples and b.) can't believe how we are with each other now - still getting on great, still able to laugh and joke. If you heard one of our conversations about "practical" stuff you'd never know there was a problem! I am sick of people saying to me "Surely you can't just let this go without going to marriage counselling or trying to work things out". Yes I know! I agree! :rolleyes:

For those reasons, I think to just end things now would be a colossal waste. I don't think you get chances like that twice in a lifetime and it was for that reason that I fought for us.

However, I also know that you can't "make" someone want to be with you. I know now that the ball is in his court. I want to be able to walk away happy that I did all I could to save our marriage. I'm not sure I'll feel like that if things end now. Perhaps though, he is happy to do that as I have hurt him too badly to be trusted again.

Thanks once again for all help & advice, but most of all the listening ears!

Bella

KarenR1981

I really feel for you....Though I was not married but I have in the last six months come out of a ten year relationship where I am only now taking responsibility with my anxiety and depression.....I too feel like we have the right ingredients..
so you if you find away please share
Best of luck with everything