Flatmate

missmoffet

Hi

Some options needed please, I’m sure plenty of people have come across this in the past and was wondering how they resolved the issue and what happened,
I share an apt with a friend who has her other half over nearly every weekend.

They are rarely over during the week but there nearly every weekend Friday, sat, sun night etc.

They are not totally inconsiderate in fairness, we chat away etc, but they would normally spend all the time in the living room watching telly.

This is kind of awkward for me, makes me feel like I’m intruding so I usually resort to my bedroom, No other place to go as it is a very small apt! I understand obviously that my flat mate is allowed her OH over but what annoys me is they never go to his place even though he renting also. He always come over to ours. And I can never relax at the weekend as I know they will be there.

I’m considering having a word with my friend but obviously I don’t want to cause a row. So am I being unreasonable? Should I say it to them or just find another place? What have other people done?

Thanks
Miss Moffet

Cathmandooo

The reason they always stay in your place and not his is that you put up with it and give them the sitting room to themselsves, sure why would they go elsewhere.

You're not being unreasonable, have a calm chat to your housemate when the bf isn't there and say you'd appreciate a little more consideration and access to the sitting room without feeling like you're intruding on the weekends.

It's a difficult situation to find a balance for, if she's reasonable then it should be ok but you may have to move elsewhere to feel more comfortable.

HardyEustace

missmoffet wrote: »

Hi

Some options needed please, I’m sure plenty of people have come across this in the past and was wondering how they resolved the issue and what happened,
I share an apt with a friend who has her other half over nearly every weekend.

They are rarely over during the week but there nearly every weekend Friday, sat, sun night etc.

They are not totally inconsiderate in fairness, we chat away etc, but they would normally spend all the time in the living room watching telly.

This is kind of awkward for me, makes me feel like I’m intruding so I usually resort to my bedroom, No other place to go as it is a very small apt! I understand obviously that my flat mate is allowed her OH over but what annoys me is they never go to his place even though he renting also. He always come over to ours. And I can never relax at the weekend as I know they will be there.

I’m considering having a word with my friend but obviously I don’t want to cause a row. So am I being unreasonable? Should I say it to them or just find another place? What have other people done?

Thanks
Miss Moffet

I'd start hanging out in the place as if they aren't there for a start and see if that changes anything.

Whilst you may feel put upon and you may feel that they should realise what's happening -
1. they're not telepathic
2. they're delighted as inadvertently you've given them the place to themselves.

If you do mention it to your friend, and I'm saying you should or should not either way, then do remember that she might take offence and might mention it to her boyfriend and the atmosphere could become rather frosty. I'm not saying that it would happen but it might.

I do think it's worth mentioning but before you do
1. realise the atmosphere might be bad and you might have a falling out
2. figure out what is a reasonable amount of time to you for him to stay there so that if your flatmate challenges you, you can say, I think that staying X nights is reasonable or I think that staying 1 night and X days is reasonable.
3. Remember that you do have to take responsibility for some of this. You are the one imposing these restrictions on yourself and making it "easy" for them to behave in this manner.
4. If you do tackle her on this, then make a concerted effort to spend time hanging out with them in the sitting room and not going to your room. As you get used to spending more time with them then it may seem less of an imposition and you may enjoy their company more.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable in feeling the way you do but I do think that you have to realise the consequences of this. I think that you should also acknowledge that you've kind of painted yourself into a corner through your behaviour (hiding out in your room the whole time, if you were always in the sitting room with them then they might take some steps to say watching tv in one of their bedrooms or spending more time in his house) and are no doubt feeling very resentful and angry towards them. Just be careful that you don't explode with anger. Figure out the outcome you want beforehand and stay focused on that.

convert

It can be really awkward when a flat/housemate have their OH over as regardless of how inclusive they are, you always feel like a spare wheel or awkward in their company.

The best thing to do would be not to leave the living room while they're there because, as was mentioned above, you're giving them the place to themselves and letting them think that you're ok with it.

I'd agree with most of what Hardy has said above. It's a very tricky situation which can potentially cause problems and friction between the two of you and could leave a bad atmosphere in the house. You really need to thread carefully. Has she ever said 'Do you mind if X comes over? Or, is it ok if X calls around again?' or something along those lines? If she did, it would give you the opportunity to bring up the topic with her when she mentions it rather than having to introduce it yourself. I know I've always mentioned it to my housemates in passing when my OH was coming over as it would always give them the opportunity to say something.

It's something you need to sit down and think about for a while before you say anything. As mentioned above, spend more time with them and don't run off to your room and see how things go. It'll also give you a chance to see what the best way to approach the situation would be. It would also allow you to see what things you found most off putting which you could then discuss with her reasonably.

missmoffet

convert wrote: »

It can be really awkward when a flat/housemate have their OH over as regardless of how inclusive they are, you always feel like a spare wheel or awkward in their company.

The best thing to do would be not to leave the living room while they're there because, as was mentioned above, you're giving them the place to themselves and letting them think that you're ok with it.

I'd agree with most of what Hardy has said above. It's a very tricky situation which can potentially cause problems and friction between the two of you and could leave a bad atmosphere in the house. You really need to thread carefully. Has she ever said 'Do you mind if X comes over? Or, is it ok if X calls around again?' or something along those lines? If she did, it would give you the opportunity to bring up the topic with her when she mentions it rather than having to introduce it yourself. I know I've always mentioned it to my housemates in passing when my OH was coming over as it would always give them the opportunity to say something.


It's something you need to sit down and think about for a while before you say anything. As mentioned above, spend more time with them and don't run off to your room and see how things go. It'll also give you a chance to see what the best way to approach the situation would be. It would also allow you to see what things you found most off putting which you could then discuss with her reasonably.

thanks for the replies, i have sat with them but it just feels uncomfortable after a while, maybe its partly my fault for making it too easy for them!

i know they could rotate where they stay at weekends which is all im asking. no she never asks or says her oh is coming over. i know it could turn frosty if i say something but at this point i dont have much choice as i am starting to resent them which isnt fair as they are not bad people.

not even wrong

They are rarely over during the week but there nearly every weekend Friday, sat, sun night etc.

They are not totally inconsiderate in fairness, we chat away etc, but they would normally spend all the time in the living room watching telly. This is kind of awkward for me, makes me feel like I’m intruding

Having the partner over three evenings a week is quite reasonable, I don't think they're doing anything wrong. You say yourself that they're chatting away to you and not freezing you out or anything so if you feel uncomfortable with a perfectly normal social situation then that's your problem not theirs.

If I were you I would grow some thicker skin -- remember it's your living room just as much as it is theirs so there's no way you're "intruding" -- if they want privacy let them use their bedroom.

HardyEustace

not even wrong wrote: »

Having the partner over three evenings a week is quite reasonable, I don't think they're doing anything wrong. You say yourself that they're chatting away to you and not freezing you out or anything so if you feel uncomfortable with a perfectly normal social situation then that's your problem not theirs.

I think it's the fact that it's the three weekend nights and I have to say that I think having them there Friday, Saturday and Sunday is too much. Particularly as they sound like the type of couple that just lie around the house all weekend. I don't think it's unreasonable to want one or two weekend nights where you can watch tv in your jammies.

If the OH was there say, on a Wednesday night and then one weekend night then I think that's ok but I would personally get sick of seeing a "third" person all weekend long.

BettePorter

yeah i can see your point if its a small apt, but it's not being helped by your so far accomodating attitude. they prob have no idea you're bothered by it....and if asked they would probably say, 'oh she's sound, she doesn't mind'......i'm sure if you mwentioned in a jokey way it would be diff. nothing worse than sitting with a couple all touchy feely on the couch while you're relegated to the dodgy armchair in the corner and if he's hogging the remote .............immediate eviction !!!

just say something sarky when you walk in like.....' jeez.....do you ever spend time in your place, we'll have to start charging you rent !!'

HardyEustace

BettePorter wrote: »

just say something sarky when you walk in like.....' jeez.....do you ever spend time in your place, we'll have to start charging you rent !!'

Yes, because such passive aggressive behaviour is sure to guarantee a successful result.

D3PO

Just have a polite word, explain you feel uncomfortable with it happening every weekend and feel like your intruding in your own living space and cant relax.

Most reasonable people will take it on board and recitify the situation, your flatmate might genuinely think you have no issue with it. If they do get defensive on it well then you have to think about whats the best thing for you next.

That might mean moving out, that might mean fighting fire with fire. Invite all your friends over every weekend night for a get together and camp in the living room. Thats likely to resolve it aswell mind you id try talking first of all.

This is always an awkward situation, especially concerning a friend, but you really have to just come out and say it. If they're decent people and you're polite, they won't take it the wrong way. Just talk to your flatmate and say you like her and her BF and all, but it's a small place and it's a bit much having them there all weekend, every weekend, and perhaps they could go to his every other weekend. It sounds like they think you're fine with it now and they'll continue like this if you don't say something.

BettePorter

HardyEustace wrote: »

Yes, because such passive aggressive behaviour is sure to guarantee a successful result.

jeez you must be a joy to live with if you can't tell the diff between sarcasm and passive aggression !


p.s.........that was sarcasm btw !

HardyEustace

BettePorter wrote: »

jeez you must be a joy to live with if you can't tell the diff between sarcasm and passive aggression !


p.s.........that was sarcasm btw !

No need to get personal. I do think it's very passive aggressive to start making comments and not tackling the problem head on in a calm and focused manner.

I think my advice and that of others would go far more towards resolving the situation than the OP sitting there quietly simmering and making sarcastic comments towards her flatmate.

BettePorter

HardyEustace wrote: »

No need to get personal. I do think it's very passive aggressive to start making comments and not tackling the problem head on in a calm and focused manner.

I think my advice and that of others would go far more towards resolving the situation than the OP sitting there quietly simmering and making sarcastic comments towards her flatmate.

i think you should get a dictionary and look up these terms, given that you don't seem to know what they mean in the respective context they've been used in !!!

i was never personal to you......you alluded to me encouraging passive aggression, which i did not !

sarcasm is not being passive aggressive in this context, it's giving her an alternative option to lighten the situation given that she may not want to make an issue by 'having a direct conversation' about it and perhaps been seen as looking like a moaner. if she mentions it light heartedly , they may take it upon themselves to note the fact that they do spend all there time in her pocket.

HardyEustace

BettePorter wrote: »

i think you should get a dictionary and look up these terms, given that you don't seem to know what they mean in the respective context they've been used in !!!

i was never personal to you......you alluded to me encouraging passive aggression, which i did not !

sarcasm is not being passive aggressive in this context, it's giving her an alternative option to lighten the situation given that she may not want to make an issue by 'having a direct conversation' about it and perhaps been seen as looking like a moaner. if she mentions it light heartedly , they may take it upon themselves to note the fact that they do spend all there time in her pocket.

Look we'll just have to agree to disagree. This seems to be descending into hand-bagging.

I know that sometimes a lighter touch as you suggest can work out well but I think that sometimes if you're not direct, it can be misinterpreted.

One person's "light, fun" yet meaningful comment can be another person's bitchy comment. I just think that it leaves a lot of room for misunderstanding and upset.

My initial point towards your suggestion was that making comments, that could be interpreted, however well meant, as snide or spiteful, will not help towards an outcome.

I think that OP shouldn't worry about being seen as a moaner. Right now, the couple have the perfect solution (for them) where they have entire flat to themselves at the weekend without a peep from the OP. If/When the OP tackles the situation, there is bound to be some kind of resentment and resistance. I just think that by being very clear about what the OP is happy with (boundaries on time spent in the flat) and the realisation that things may be awkward afterwards is more realistic and constructive than making comments and not spelling out what will be is obviously a problem and not spelling out what a solution is.

They're taking the P big style I reckon, he's over every weekend for the entire weekend :eek: Very inconsiderate of them.

sambuka41

missmoffet wrote: »

thanks for the replies, i have sat with them but it just feels uncomfortable after a while, maybe its partly my fault for making it too easy for them!

i know they could rotate where they stay at weekends which is all im asking. no she never asks or says her oh is coming over. i know it could turn frosty if i say something but at this point i dont have much choice as i am starting to resent them which isnt fair as they are not bad people.

I was in this exact position a couple of years ago and sadly it ruined our friendship. i said it my friend and she said she understood but her bf was an ass. I tried to reclaim the sitting room but he went out of his way to make it uncomfortable for me,whispering to her, feeling her up:eek:, constantly talking while i was trying to watch something. I eventually moved out cause i didnt wanna stay in my room anymore.

But in fairness my friend was not reasonable about and her bf was not a nice person. He was grand with me before but as soon as I said about not coming over as much he turned nasty.

Very tricky situation, but you have to feel comfortable in your home,thats whats most important.

the_syco

missmoffet wrote: »

I’m considering having a word with my friend but obviously I don’t want to cause a row.

YOU don't want to cause a row, as THEY don't seem to give a flying fúck about YOU. They are walking over you.

Victor

Can we stay on topic?

conorhal

sambuka41 wrote: »

I was in this exact position a couple of years ago and sadly it ruined our friendship. i said it my friend and she said she understood but her bf was an ass. I tried to reclaim the sitting room but he went out of his way to make it uncomfortable for me,whispering to her, feeling her up:eek:, constantly talking while i was trying to watch something. I eventually moved out cause i didnt wanna stay in my room anymore.

But in fairness my friend was not reasonable about and her bf was not a nice person. He was grand with me before but as soon as I said about not coming over as much he turned nasty.

Very tricky situation, but you have to feel comfortable in your home,thats whats most important.

Indeed, it's an awkward situation and the OP may have to resign herself to the fact that she could well loose a friend, but at the end of the day she should ask herself, does she need a friend that refuses to show any respect for her feelings or their sharing arangement?

Having sombody stay for 3 consecutive days a week is practically the same as having another flatmate. It also means that the OP never has any personal space in the home she shares with this other girl and that's unfair.

Speaking of passive agressive tactics, if her friend or her boyfriend turn nasty about their chat in a similar manner that happened to you, I suggest that she surround herself with other invited friends of hers on the sofa at the weekend so that kind of passive agressive bullying can't happen to her.

The best way to avoid such situations in the future is to ensure that you have a chat or prefferably a written agreement with the people you share with when they move in, a contract of expected behaviour if you will. If that is in place from the outset, there can be no misunderstanding about a persons expectations or obligations.