Need help with getting psychiatric treatment for rape. V long.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, had to go unreg as I don't really like people who know me knowing what happened to me.

To put it bluntly, I was raped by an ex. Several times. Sometimes he coerced me into it (pressure without physical force, sleep deprivation, etc), which is legally deemed to be rape because the pressure gets to a point where you're afraid to say no any longer (despite saying no repeatedly) even though physical force isn't used. Other times, it was choking, hurting and forcing me (once in front of a child.).

Anyway, since then (it happened several years ago), I have had huge difficulty in coming to terms with it. I repressed it and only really admitted what happened a year or two after it had actually happened. When I opened up, all of my friends took his side. Naturally, this was a pretty hard blow. I told my mother and she believed me.

Since about a month after the first rape, I have been seeing psychiatrists/therapists pretty regularly. Problem is, I've had NO help whatsoever with my issues pertaining to being raped.

I sought help from the Rape Crisis Center after I couldn't open up to my male therapist (I have a problem with men now) and the things that were said to me were awful. I refused to go back after 3 sessions. I was unhappy after the first session but went back because I believe in giving all therapists a chance but what she said to me was worse in the third session and she completely invalidated what happened to me.

I sought help from a private rape therapist, who told me basically that I was too unstable for her to see me because I had in the past been suicidal and self harmed (I was not like that when I saw her, though).

Now, I'm seeing a psychiatrist privately, who I won't name but who is supposed to be great. Thing is, I saw his notes about me on the desk. Let's just say, I walked out of that psych office feeling worse than when I went in. I had a panic attack and walked home sobbing. He clearly doesn't believe me.

I went to the police over this in the past, but dropped the allegations because they said there was no protection that they could offer to me until he was found guilty or admitted it.

Basically, I'm stuck. I have no money for private counselling anymore and I can't seem to find a therapist that actually wants to help me or even believes me. I have flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, the whole shebang. The therapist who couldn't see me because of instability, she believed me (or at least she said she did), but the psych clearly doesn't and the RCC counsellor was just the most incompetent person I've ever met, to be frank.

Where can I turn now for help? I have mental health issues but I want to fix them. My psych has me on medications but I need somebody I can talk to, somebody who'll believe me and help me get past this. I can't keep bottling it up. I'm so ashamed of what happened, I blame myself for it all because I stayed with him and people disbelieving me makes me feel like a sick, twisted liar.

I even feel terrible posting this because I'm scared that you guys won't believe me. I just need to find a therapist that I can talk to, who understands and can support me. I can't face the guilt and shame alone anymore.

WesternNight

Your friends took his side? What, because you were in a relationship with him or something?

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, and that you've received very little support from people close to you and from professionals.

I wonder do people still have trouble getting their heads around the concept of the possibility of this happening within a relationship? I get the feeling that it's much easier for people to take it far less seriously than if it were a stranger. When in actual fact it's more traumatic because it's someone you're supposed to be able to trust who's attacking you.

I hope you're able to get the help you need to deal with all of this.

Emme

You definitely need therapy but sometimes it takes time to find the right therapist. However, at the end of the day you have to help yourself as well. Look after yourself.

Your ex didn't treat your body with respect and it may be tempting to blot out flashbacks with alcohol etc. but one way you can take back your power is to treat your body with respect. Be good to yourself. If you're not doing this already eat properly and make sure you do some exercise. There are many ways of doing this - yoga, pilates, running and meditation might help you too.

I feel more sorry for people like you who have been raped by an acquaintance. With stranger rape it's black and white but with acquaintance rape you have to deal with both the pain of being raped AND the stigma of not being believed.

I would persist with the RCC and insist on a female therapist. I know they're stretched but it was a bit insensitive to assign you to a male therapist. Don't give up.

Good luck.

ggirl

Firstly, I just want to say how sorry I am that you have been through such a terrible time. It is horrific what you have been through but you are doing the right thing in keeping on looking for help.

I am not sure how helpful this will be but I have mental health problems and, like you, went through several doctors/therapists who simply had no interest/idea/clue how to help. One therapist actually fell asleep in our session as I talked about how inadequate and invisible I felt in the world! However, I now have a great therapist who I see in a centre in Clondalkin for a tenner a session (PCI College). I am on low wages and they were very understanding when I explained I couldn't afford to pay the normal rate. The therapist has been an amazing support to me and our work has allowed me to put behind me 20 years of self harm, drinking and depression.

Also, I think that doctors write notes "their" way so try not to pay too much attention to what you saw on the notes. I have seen some of what is written about me in my psychiatrists notes and could have taken it either way but know my doctor is a great support who wants to help (and has been hugely instrumental in me turning my life around) so I chose to focus on the fact she helps me greatly and not my perception of notes that may not have meant what I thought they did.

Sorry for the ramble but what I am trying to get you to see is that if you persevere you can find a great, understanding, supportive therapist who will assist you in overcoming the impact of the violence/abuse you were put through. Admittedly for different reasons, but I have been utterly suicidal many times in the past, in the grip of panic attacks and feeling hopeless but life is 180 degrees different now and I am so glad I kept going. Stay strong and persevere. Mind yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi op, I'm so sorry you had to go through this,this is not your fault, have you spoken to a trauma psychologist?sounds as if you are traumatised,techniques such as emdr could relieve this mental pain, take care of yourself and best of luck with everything..

Drops of Jupiter

Hi OP,

I am really sorry to hear your story! If it helps at all I believe it and I am sorry that you feel others don't. Rape is always a complicated issue the fact that that the perpetrator is not some randomer makes it all the more so.

In terms of the psychiatrists notes, I would not worry too much about them. Psychiatrsits like to dignose, this is their job and often the speak a different language. So to someone else reading it may seem like you are a paranoid schizophernic when in reality they are saying something like you are a bit worried.

What I really would suggest is that you speak up to the mental health professionals. I know this may be hard for you but I think it will help. I am wondering if you are attending the right type of therapists. I find it odd that one therapist said they were unable to deal with you as you were sucidial/self harming. This is what often brings people into therapy. Its leads me to believe that maybe they were not qualified to help you. While there are some good therapists out there they are some bad ones too. It may take a bit of time to find the right one and don't be afraid to say I don't think this is going to work out.

If I were you I would say to the psychiatrsit I don't think you believe me and that is invalidating. In terms of the RCC tell them that you can't deal with a man at the moment and that you would be more comfortable with a female. If the RCC cannot provide a woman therapist check out the Irish association for counsellors/Psychotherapists to find a counsellor in your area. Do you mind me asking what area you live in? You could also look at finding a psycholgists who does counselling.

There is somone out there who can help you it just proving hard to find at the moment. As for the other not believing you sometimes its easier for people to be in denial rather than face reality and realise this person is not who they thought they were.

Please don't give up your search for help. I really hope you get the support that you truly deserve.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here. Thanks so much for your responses, I really needed some support today.

I think I caused some confusion in my OP as I was a bit upset. In the RCC, I saw a female counsellor who I won't name. I went there after my previous (male) therapist advised me to as I couldn't open up to him about the rapes.

WesternNight - they took his side basically because they were friends with him also (although I had been friends with them for a lot longer) and one of them kind of "led the pack" and once she disbelieved me, the rest followed pretty swiftly. I don't blame them, I mean I wouldn't want to think of one of my friends as a rapist, but this guy slept with 13 year old girls while he was an adult!

Spousal/partner rape does seem to have a huge stigma attached to it still, even though it was outlawed about 20 years ago. I guess some people are just a bit narrow minded. The times where he deprived me of sleep and whatnot, I can understand people being dubious about that. I guess it's hard to think of it as rape unless there's physical force involved, but things like strangling me, throwing me into patches of nettles and hurting me, hurting me until I did stuff to him in front of a 4 year old little boy, I mean how can anyone NOT see that as rape? I feel more angry now than I did earlier.

ggirl, your post really gave me hope, as odd as that might sound. If you were able to get yourself better after 20 years of harm and such, it makes me think that maybe I can get better too Thank you. I'm going to google that place in Clondalkin and ask if they'd see me, too.

Everyone else - I really appreciate all of your posts and I re-read them all a few times. You guys literally have no idea just how much it means to have people not judge me on this issue because I'm full of guilt about it already. I don't want to say exactly what my psych said, but I know medical and psychiatric terms and writing quite well and he certainly wasn't talking in some code or anything like that. What he said was very clear cut and had nothing to do with my diagnosis. I want to say it to him and tell him how it made me feel, but he's leaving me 4 months between sessions. I got more sessions when I went public and I'm paying a fortune to see him privately (which is why I can't afford counselling!).

Thank you all so much for your kind words and help.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, I am sorry for what you went through and for the distress you are feeling now.

I'm wondering why it is that you are having such a difficult time with the therapists. I understand not wanting to talk to a male therapist for sure. The rape crisis center therapists though are trained specifically to deal with rape so I'm not sure why they would say horrible things to you. A rape crisis therapist woudn't stay employed long if they said horrible things to their clients. You then saw two more therapists who also saw you differently than you see yourself.

I'm wondering if you have in your head what is is you want them to say and they aren't saying those things and that is upsetting you? Or maybe what you think you are saying is coming across as something else, so what they are hearing isn't what you are trying to say.

Maybe you need to be open to their perspectives and see if there is some truth in it. That doesn't invalidate your experience or the feelings you have but maybe it would give you a place to start to work through it. I say this because this doesn't really seem like a rapport / personality clash issue. It sounds like no matter who you go to see you aren't going to get what you want or hear what you want to hear. That's why I suggest trying to see why what you want from them is so different than what they have to offer.

SinchoE

I'm really sorry to read your story and I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel.
I was abused as a child and, although I told my parents at a young age, I always refused to get any help thinking that I could deal with it on my own. I eventually realised when I first moved in with my boyfriend, now my husband, at the age of 18 that I'd been repressing things for years and hiding my feelings from myself for a very long time. I decided to try counselling but, like you, went to several that I just felt weren't understanding me and that I couldn't connect with.
After we married in 2007 my husband and I moved to Clonmel from Cork and I decided to contact the RCC there. Immediately I felt comfortable with my counsellor and truly felt like she was the first person I could talk to openly and who got me and how I was feeling. I stayed in counselling for a year there and when we moved back to Cork I contacted the RCC here. After a couple of appointments with a woman there I knew I didn't have the same connection with her as I did with my previous counsellor so I stopped going.

My only advice to you is, wherever you are, persist with your local RCC. They truly do offer an amazing service and its perfectly understandable that you won't be comfortable with everyone you speak to. Consider asking for a new counsellor until you find someone you can talk to. I'm planning on going back soon as I know I still have unresolved issues but I know I'm strong enough now not to let bad experiences hold me back from looking after myself and I truly hope you can do the same.

I really wish you the best of luck and I hope soon you'll find someone who can provide the help and support you need. Just remember that there's always somebody out there who understands what you're going through so never feel like you're alone.

If you need or want to talk about this further pm me.

Sarah

LegacyUser

I too was told recently i was too unstable or "weak" as she called it, by a therapist to continue sessions. after a few months of sessions i felt i could trust this woman and then i was out on my ear, without any warning because she didn't want a case like mine.

Right now i need to see someone but my trust is gone completely so I can relate op. you're just looking for someone you can trust and will trust you. Best of luck is all I can say, you will find that therapist. I'm trying other avenues.

Good Advice

Another perspective wrote: »

Hi Op, I am sorry for what you went through and for the distress you are feeling now.

I'm wondering why it is that you are having such a difficult time with the therapists. I understand not wanting to talk to a male therapist for sure. The rape crisis center therapists though are trained specifically to deal with rape so I'm not sure why they would say horrible things to you. A rape crisis therapist woudn't stay employed long if they said horrible things to their clients. You then saw two more therapists who also saw you differently than you see yourself.

I'm wondering if you have in your head what is is you want them to say and they aren't saying those things and that is upsetting you? Or maybe what you think you are saying is coming across as something else, so what they are hearing isn't what you are trying to say.

Maybe you need to be open to their perspectives and see if there is some truth in it. That doesn't invalidate your experience or the feelings you have but maybe it would give you a place to start to work through it. I say this because this doesn't really seem like a rapport / personality clash issue. It sounds like no matter who you go to see you aren't going to get what you want or hear what you want to hear. That's why I suggest trying to see why what you want from them is so different than what they have to offer.

what a harsh response she just needs support end of story and you are making her out to be a liar about the rcs being horrible to her because as you say they wouldnt be working there, i believe her no reason not to...

op i dont know what to say onlly that your determination to get yourself sorted from your situation shows strenght , amazing.

good luck hun xx

LegacyUser

Another perspective wrote: »

Hi Op, I am sorry for what you went through and for the distress you are feeling now.

I'm wondering why it is that you are having such a difficult time with the therapists. I understand not wanting to talk to a male therapist for sure. The rape crisis center therapists though are trained specifically to deal with rape so I'm not sure why they would say horrible things to you. A rape crisis therapist woudn't stay employed long if they said horrible things to their clients. You then saw two more therapists who also saw you differently than you see yourself.

I'm wondering if you have in your head what is is you want them to say and they aren't saying those things and that is upsetting you? Or maybe what you think you are saying is coming across as something else, so what they are hearing isn't what you are trying to say.

Maybe you need to be open to their perspectives and see if there is some truth in it. That doesn't invalidate your experience or the feelings you have but maybe it would give you a place to start to work through it. I say this because this doesn't really seem like a rapport / personality clash issue. It sounds like no matter who you go to see you aren't going to get what you want or hear what you want to hear. That's why I suggest trying to see why what you want from them is so different than what they have to offer.

Hi, thanks for the response. With regards to what you have said, I have also had about 8 fantastic therapists, who I saw before and after the rapes, but they moved on, I lost my job and couldn't afford them, I moved home, etc. I had to stop seeing each one for different reasons. I'm not saying all my therapists were awful. I said one was awful, one couldn't see me but DID believe me (which is very important to me) and my psychiatrist (not therapist) doesn't appear to believe me.

I have thought about the reasons for this and thought that maybe it is me taking things the wrong way. But really, being told by an RCC counsellor that I "let" myself be raped, and telling me that the way I feel about being raped is how they feel when their boss gives out to them, then asking me very accusingly "do you even WANT to get better?" aren't the words of a professional, no matter how many qualifications they have. There are bad therapists everywhere, and no amount of letters after their name can alter that. A lot of RCC therapists deal with rape CRISIS, which is when a rape has only just happened, so generally it's an attack more than anything. My situation is fairly different, so of course I could come across a person who isn't as well trained as he/she could be to deal with it. At the end of the day, I'm not here to slam the RCC because I believe that their other therapists do a wonderful job, but it's a case of once bitten, twice shy for me.

Aside from that, the therapist that couldn't see me, I have no qualms with. I was saying that merely to show the difficulty I have had in finding somebody to deal with my needs. I mean, therapists usually have a specialist area, and dealing with somebody who was raped and subsequently developed issues with food, suicide attemps, huge amounts of self harm, etc is going to be difficult because I'd need somebody who can focus on all of these areas. It's not a clear cut case of being attacked and being depressed and traumatized. I mean, sure I'm traumatized and I don't think I'll ever trust men again, but it's not a clear cut rape case, which is why it's difficult to place me with a therapist who can suit my needs.


Aside from that, without being rude I don't think I should have to defend myself here when I've made it clear that I've already got more shame, guilt and trauma on my plate than I can deal with at the moment.

I do thank you for your opinion but I have thought things through fully and I'm judging the situation based on what was said to me, not what I could have irrationally read between the lines.

LegacyUser

Good Advice wrote: »

what a harsh response she just needs support end of story and you are making her out to be a liar about the rcs being horrible to her because as you say they wouldnt be working there, i believe her no reason not to...

I'm not sure where you got from my comment that I was making her out to be a liar. Different people have different perspectives - being open to a different perspective doesn't mean you are lying. Therapy is to move you forward and that can mean work and being open to hearing things that you may not want to hear or to viewpoints that are different from your own. Many people go from therapist to therapist to therapist trying to find the one that will say what they want to hear - this may make them feel better in the moment but doesn't actually help them work through what they are going through. Therapy should challenge you to be effective.

You don't have to agree with me but don't start name calling because you disagree.

macmonagle wrote: »

Hi, thanks for the response. With regards to what you have said, I have also had about 8 fantastic therapists, who I saw before and after the rapes, but they moved on, I lost my job and couldn't afford them, I moved home, etc. I had to stop seeing each one for different reasons. I'm not saying all my therapists were awful. I said one was awful, one couldn't see me but DID believe me (which is very important to me) and my psychiatrist (not therapist) doesn't appear to believe me.

I have thought about the reasons for this and thought that maybe it is me taking things the wrong way. But really, being told by an RCC counsellor that I "let" myself be raped, and telling me that the way I feel about being raped is how they feel when their boss gives out to them, then asking me very accusingly "do you even WANT to get better?" aren't the words of a professional, no matter how many qualifications they have. There are bad therapists everywhere, and no amount of letters after their name can alter that. A lot of RCC therapists deal with rape CRISIS, which is when a rape has only just happened, so generally it's an attack more than anything. My situation is fairly different, so of course I could come across a person who isn't as well trained as he/she could be to deal with it. At the end of the day, I'm not here to slam the RCC because I believe that their other therapists do a wonderful job, but it's a case of once bitten, twice shy for me.

Aside from that, the therapist that couldn't see me, I have no qualms with. I was saying that merely to show the difficulty I have had in finding somebody to deal with my needs. I mean, therapists usually have a specialist area, and dealing with somebody who was raped and subsequently developed issues with food, suicide attemps, huge amounts of self harm, etc is going to be difficult because I'd need somebody who can focus on all of these areas. It's not a clear cut case of being attacked and being depressed and traumatized. I mean, sure I'm traumatized and I don't think I'll ever trust men again, but it's not a clear cut rape case, which is why it's difficult to place me with a therapist who can suit my needs.


Aside from that, without being rude I don't think I should have to defend myself here when I've made it clear that I've already got more shame, guilt and trauma on my plate than I can deal with at the moment.

I do thank you for your opinion but I have thought things through fully and I'm judging the situation based on what was said to me, not what I could have irrationally read between the lines.

I wasn't in any way doubting what happened to you. All the best. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Kerrygirl1972

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through, my heart goes out to you, you have been let down so much and I can't begin to imagine the hurt and distress you have had to endure.


x

knitwit

Hi OP,
I just want to say that I believe you. I'm so sad that your friends didn't. Some people just can't deal with anything uncomfortable and it's just easier for them to pretend it didn't happen.
I am currently seeing a counsellor and psychiatrist and I know how frustrating it is when they don't get what I'm talking about. I'm currently on my 4th counsellor. Like anything, you have to shop around.
What I have learned throughout all of this is that it is a good idea to speak up when you have a problem with them. Don't be afraid, they're not the pope! Just mere mortals doing their job. Maybe ask to speak to someone else at the RCC, and if they ask why, tell them why the last one made you so unhappy. Maybe she will learn to be a better counsellor through this.
Also, you need to assert yourself with this psychiatrist. Tell him you read the notes and how it made you feel. Be brazen! Feck him, he's not God, and it's ok to contradict him. A good shrink will welcome this. This might seem terrifying at first, but you will feel so much better for doing it. I have done this. Just because he's a doctor doesn't mean he is above reproach. He's just a professional doing his job, in exchange for your hard-earned money. If he reacts badly, take your business elsewhere. Be brave. After I started doing this I have become so much more assertive in other areas of my life.
I hope this helps, best of luck to you girl!