Been dating- no contact from him and need closure

violets

I met a guy recently and we've been out together a good number of times over a few months. In the beginning he was all eager to meet every week but now I haven't heard from him in about 3 weeks. We never said we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I replied to his email last (which was just asking how I was etc) and he hasn't replied since. He told me he was going to be away for two weekends and was very busy - he seems like a very straight forward honest guy, and he tells it like it is in general. But I would have thought he would have contacted me this past weekend. So now I'm figuring he's not interested and thats fine. I just would like some closure and not to be left hanging like this. I know the answer may sound simple - why don't I just contact him but anytime I think of doing that I just feel hurt and angry and want to tell him what an inconsiderate bastard he is! Drama drama drama. Meeting him was a positive experience for me - he was decent and not pushy and he seemed to put some thought into what we would do on dates - but I wasn't expecting anything major to come out of it, it was just good to go on a few dates and have a nice time and feel comfortable around him. (I've had bad experiences in the past) I would really like him as a friend, and certainly need more friends. Its just disappointing that he hasn't made some kind of contact. Anyone any advice on what I should do...should I ring him and ask that we meet for a chat -(though we rarely spoke on the phone) text or email...what would I say that wouldn't sound bitter and crazy! and how do I control those emotions which aren't really about him specifically although I am annoyed that he hasn't the guts to just be decent and tell me whats going on. Anyone any ideas? I know its a pretty standard problem when it comes to men but I hate when things just drift away llike that and you don't get any closure and as I said I would like him as a friend but if he hasn't contacted me then maybe he doesn't want that either!?

LegacyUser

It's a pretty standard problem with BOTH men and women. Can never understand why any girl this happens to seems to be totally oblivious to the fact that women do this to men on a regular basis as well?

OP exact same scenario, only add in I was good mates with this girl for a year before we started seeing each other. Same deal, she would initiate contact, come up with novel ideas for dates after we went from friends to more, which by the way was her idea as she had as she put it developed feelings for me over the course of our friendship. Last time we met she went as far as to ask me to go on a holiday with her 5 months down the road from there and since?

nothing, nada, zip. Contact for no reason that I could see just ceased. Like yourself was very disappointed by the way she handled it. A phone call or an email even would been something. Closure? meh doesn't take a genius to figure out what silence means but I do know what you mean. Still getting really annoyed thinking about how she treated me in the end, and annoyed at myself for falling for it.

Comes down to sometimes people are just dicks, and are quite capable of having no regard for those around them. No point in beating yourself up over it or questioning why this happened, if you did something etc etc. Did that for a while which annoyed me even more, complete waste of effort just as this person was a complete waste of time.

Totally agree with Sunflower. Why the hell would you want someone who acts like this as a friend? For my own peace of mind I did contact the girl I was seeing after a week of no contact just to make sure she was alright. When she did text back saying "too much on at the moment, not fair on you etc etc" I just deleted her number and have not contacted her since.

LegacyUser

guest1234 wrote: »

When she did text back saying "too much on at the moment, not fair on you etc etc"

At least she was decent enough to let you know. She didn't leave you hanging.

longneck

have had the same experience. guy been in touch daily for past year, then after meeting up and discussing the "relationship" - contact has gone from intense to cool to non exsistant!!!! have had my last contact ignored.like you i'm angry that he has'nt the balls to talk to me properly and i certainly feel used, like i was boosting his ego all this time,but when things threatened to move up a notch,he bailed out.
i certainly wo'nt be contacting him again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Fluff

Ah hon, I've been on both sides of the coin and I swore never again, its a sh1tty and ill-mannered thing to (not) do. Chances are he may have met someone else and is hedging his bets by not giving you closure, i.e. if it doesn't work out with new girl he can say he has just been really busy. Or he just doesn't have the balls to say he is just not that in to you anymore.

As has been said above, actions speak louder than words. If he was thinking of you and wanted to see you again a number of holding phonecalls/emails explaining himself would have been all you needed. He didn't even afford you that courtesy and you are left scratching your head and wondering wtf Wonder no more, take a bit of control of the situation and delete his number and emails and any social networking associations and file him away in the gobsh1te pile, you'll instantly feel better.

LegacyUser

unergatidetre wrote: »

guest1234 wrote: »

When she did text back saying "too much on at the moment, not fair on you etc etc"

At least she was decent enough to let you know. She didn't leave you hanging.

well....no, not really. Wouldn't call a text which only came after I asked was she ok after a week of ignoring me decent really, from someone who up until then would contact me everyday. This from someone who was supposedly a friend for over a year, not some random girl I'd met in a bar a month previously.

Didn't even say she didn't want to see me anymore, just she had a lot on over the next month so could we cool it for the moment? That was around 3 months ago, so think cool it roughly translates to goodbye without the balls or decency to say it.

It's just disappointing when people carry on like that, can make you cynical of the whole opposite sex, something I never want to be!

LegacyUser

guest1234 wrote: »

[well....no, not really. Wouldn't call a text which only came after I asked was she ok after a week of ignoring me decent really, from someone who up until then would contact me everyday.

It's more than a lot of men would do, believe me!

violets

Thanks for all the replies! Its always good to be reminded that plenty of other people have been in the same boat. I guess I'm still a bit in denial. Maybe I'm over sensitive but if I don't get 'closure' it just seems to leave little holes in my past and I was just looking for a way to avoid that this time. So thought of sending an email basically saying that I can take a hint but would have appreciated if he had done the decent thing and told me to my face (or whatever) But then...I don't even want him to think that I gave a damn - especially if he was only using me to boost his ego in the first place. And what would I get in return for an email like that anyway...

mood

Don't bother. It will only make you feel worse if he doesn't reply or tells you it just wasn't working or whatever.

LegacyUser

violets wrote: »

So thought of sending an email basically saying that I can take a hint but would have appreciated if he had done the decent thing and told me to my face (or whatever) But then...I don't even want him to think that I gave a damn - especially if he was only using me to boost his ego in the first place. And what would I get in return for an email like that anyway...

Went through the exact same thing. Even went as far as to start writing it. But take an honest look at your motives for writing and sending it, plus what is it really going to achieve? For you? nothing except maybe a momentary satisfaction that you've made your feelings know.

For him? judging by the way he's blanked you he couldn't care less what you write. In fact if it comes across in any way bitter (and lets face it, hard to avoid if you've been treated like crap), it will in his self centred view justify his decision to blank you as the right one and have the opposite from the intended effect, bullet dodged with the crazy lady whew!

Or.. just one last little ego boost as you've shown how hurt you were.

Furtherest I got was writing it down, read through it and then deleted it. Was really glad I didn't send it. Best advice? forget about any contact, no matter what shape or form. Sooner you do, the sooner you can move on.

Last thing I'll say is don't judge all guys by one who is obviously a dick. Doing my damnedest not to do the same with all girls and seems to be working. Off out tonight to meet up with a really nice girl I was chatting to recently

LegacyUser

This has happened to me and my circle of girlfriends so many times we actually joke about it. It's the island of "missing men" you know the ones you've gone on dates with for maybe a few weeks or even a few months and then suddenly they decide it's not happening for them anymore so they just disappear with abosolutely no explanation or closure. It leaves you wondering what you did wrong or if they are alive and well in some cases!! Basically I would never ever do this to any man, I've dated plenty and if things were not working for me I'd let them down gently and just be honest. I just wish men would be emotionally mature enough to do the same thing but most of them are not. I think they are afraid that we will go psycho on them or start crying or show some sort of emotion they can't deal with. I have given myself my own closure by emailing one or two of these guys and just saying basically you should have the balls to say look its not working, its common courtesy and mannerly and i hope some girl doesnt do it to you someday. incredibly one of these guys texted me about 4 months later saying hello and wishing me a happy birthday??? there are plenty more guys out there so just keep dating. I wouldn't be surprised if you heard from this eejit months down the line when he realises he's on his own again with noone to booty call. what a loser

violets

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. I've never posted a personal problem online before and it has really helped me. I like that 'the island of missing men' although I hasten to add that I'm sure there is an 'island of missing women' out there too, although I strongly suspect its not as heavily populated :-p
A girl sent me a PM with an example of how to word a message to him. She put it very simply and nicely (don't want to write it here just in case) I think it gets my point across in a dignified and easy going kind of way. I wasn't obsessed with the guy but it obviously meant more to me than it did to him... but that may not have been for the right reasons anyway. Maybe I just wanted to feel that one part of my life was going somewhere...Having said that it was what it was, I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I was willing to let it develop if it was meant to be. ANyway, hopefully this might give me the infamous closure. And if not at least I've tried. Now I kinda figure I've nothing to lose and if he does get an ego boost - so be it! He wasn't a bad bastard!

Best of luck tonight Guest1234, hope it goes really well! And best of luck to everyone else too!

kkcatlou

Going through the same thing right now! Flippin annoying more than anything. OK, it's only been Tuesday since I last got a text, but like that it was every day for weeks before that.

This is the third time in a year I've met a man from the "island of disappearing men" and I know all the advice says just let him away with ignoring you and that's what I did the other two times, to avoid looking needy and like a desperate pyscho, but you know what, I didn't feel any better as a result, and it still pisses me off. I do think closure is the way to go, but not sure how to go about it without looking needy/ psycho.

Like you, I'm not mad into this guy, but do like him, but it pisses me off no end that they think it's OK to treat people like this, and I think by letting them away with it, it just reaffirms that this is an OK way to treat people. He should be answerable...but again, how I don't know.

I, like most people, hate being made to feel like the one doing the chasing, or the needy one, the one waiting around. I think that's the annoying part, the rejection I could handle I'm sure if I was told.

Anyway, it's only been 3 days....so maybe I really am a psycho!

mood

kkcatlou wrote: »

Going through the same thing right now! Flippin annoying more than anything. OK, it's only been Tuesday since I last got a text, but like that it was every day for weeks before that.

This is the third time in a year I've met a man from the "island of disappearing men" and I know all the advice says just let him away with ignoring you and that's what I did the other two times, to avoid looking needy and like a desperate pyscho, but you know what, I didn't feel any better as a result, and it still pisses me off. I do think closure is the way to go, but not sure how to go about it without looking needy/ psycho.

Like you, I'm not mad into this guy, but do like him, but it pisses me off no end that they think it's OK to treat people like this, and I think by letting them away with it, it just reaffirms that this is an OK way to treat people. He should be answerable...but again, how I don't know.

I, like most people, hate being made to feel like the one doing the chasing, or the needy one, the one waiting around. I think that's the annoying part, the rejection I could handle I'm sure if I was told.

Anyway, it's only been 3 days....so maybe I really am a psycho!

So, he sent you text 3 days ago? If this is the case I assume you replied and you both sent a few texts back and forth and all was ok.

Maybe it's you 'turn' to text! You can't expect he to be the one to call/text all the time.

Bella_purple

violtes (i like this color too, besides purple ), dear, where is it written that he MUST answear u, feel the same as u do etc.?! why do u look for blamin' the man? life is a lotery, nbdy owes u nothin'. u like him period. if he likes u in return, that's smth else.
i think u should write a nice, decent msg askin' him how is he, if he's ok with a relaxed smile or smth.
if smbdy doesn't give u the feed-back u want, it doesn't mean he's a bastard or smth.

and the only so-called sensitivity u have is ego-related. wake up! how old r u? pls, don't get defensive if i am blunt, i don't try to offend u.


and let me tell u a story that heppened to me. 2 years ago i was falling for a guy and him from me. after a period of courtship we got together. to make the story short: i misread his "negligence" signals so i ended up the relationship. i could have trusted my feelings and just fallow what a felt for him only, without letting my ego to... take the lead.
u don't deserve nothin' from anybody, remember. if they wanna give u, fine. but u can make urself pleasent, though .
good luck with ur man, fallow ur heart.

Silverfish

Bella_purple, please don't use text speak on this site, thank you

Firetrap

I think you should leave it be. You know without hearing the words from this chap's mouth that it's over. Sure, he should have had the courtesy to break it off but instead he took the "I hope she gets the message and goes away somewhere quietly" approach instead. Really, if you go looking for closure, you're going to come across as needy and that's the last thing you want.

jurgenscarl

Unfortunately if a guy isn't in contact for that long it means it's over.

The best thing you can do is forgive and forget and move on and find someone else.