What if my partner is gay?

Sionnachx

I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years, and for the last year or more he has not been into sex at all no matter what I suggest or do. I'm completely at a loss as to what is wrong. I've tried everything. He seems more interested in playing games on the pc or ps than having sex. Just now he was playing a Bratz game! Any suggestions?

Millicent

Hey Sionnachx, you'd have better luck posting in this forum: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1174. This thread is more about pisstaking and pub-type chat.

Tbh though, it sounds like he may be depressed.

ETA: See it's been moved there already. Has anything happened that may have made your boyfriend's confidence lower? Weight gain? Job loss?

Sionnachx

Millicent, thanks for the re-direct here : )

No nothing has changed apart from weight gain yeh, big time. This doesn't seem to bother him at all though.

Millicent

I wouldn't be so sure about that. Just because he doesn't seem to be outwardly bothered by the change in appearance, doesn't mean he isn't. His self-confidence and sense of attractiveness may have taken a nose dive.

Or maybe he's just become complacent? Does he take you for granted in other areas?

Sionnachx

No, he never takes me for granted at all. We have a great relationship apart from the lack of sex. He is always telling me how much he loves me and I would do anything for him! But his total lack of sex drive is making things really uncomfortable and probably more for me than for him! It's getting really really depressing!

Sinfonia

Millicent wrote: »

I wouldn't be so sure about that. Just because he doesn't seem to be outwardly bothered by the change in appearance, doesn't mean he isn't. His self-confidence and sense of attractiveness may have taken a nose dive.

A bad diet could lead him to be lethargic and possibly depressed, even without realising it himself, which could be why it's not bothering him. It could be a subconscious thing..

One possible idea is eating better and exercising: as a person who has a bad diet myself, I tend to feel much more energetic after doing any kind of exercise - and it tends to make me much more in the mood for other kinds of exercise if ya get me.
You could exercise together to make it more fun or easier, even just taking walks or hillwalks or something.
I think it's very easy to fall into a personal rut of coming home after work or whatever and just sitting around eating badly etc. (obviously I don't know if this is what the situation is like, I'm just speculating..)

Other than that I would just suggest doing more things together, challenge yourselves once in a while somehow, it can get the heart and adrenaline pumping! Doing new things can give a shot in the arm to a relationship that might be stagnating after a few years.

Hope any of that helps!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Sionnachx wrote: »

Millicent, thanks for the re-direct here : )

No nothing has changed apart from weight gain yeh, big time. This doesn't seem to bother him at all though.

Its controversial but I don't think weight gain should be acceptable. For me its not quite as bad as cheating but up there as a definite no-no in a relationship.

Also the no sex thing needs to be investigated, you're not going to find out the reason on a message board other than the fact that its not normal and shouldn't be treated as such. You should talk to him immediately about it.

fungun

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Its controversial but I don't think weight gain should be acceptable. For me its not quite as bad as cheating but up there as a definite no-no in a relationship.

:eek::eek::eek:

Crikey, lets hope for your sake nothing ever goes wrong in your perfect world/perfect relationships! Or if you are a man I feel for any partner of yours that gives birth!

Beruthiel

Sionnachx wrote: »

for the last year or more he has not been into sex at all no matter what I suggest or do.

That doesn't mean he is gay OP.

Have you suggested he go to the doctor and get a check up?

AnonoBoy

You say you've tried everything OP - but have you tried just asking him why your sex life has come screeching to a halt?

(Obviously don't come out and ask him if he's gay unless the conversation goes that way - which I doubt it will)

Bottle_of_Smoke

fungun wrote: »

:eek::eek::eek:

Crikey, lets hope for your sake nothing ever goes wrong in your perfect world/perfect relationships! Or if you are a man I feel for any partner of yours that gives birth!

I am a man, if a girl I was seeing had her shape changed by pregnancy I would see it in a completely different light to someone who's too lazy to shed fat they've gained since the relationship began.

Wibbs

It's also possible this is his default sexual needs level after the first flush of the relationship has passed. The timing would be near enough. Add in the gaining weight and his possible insecurity about that and this could be a large part of it?

panda_cub

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I am a man, if a girl I was seeing had her shape changed by pregnancy I would see it in a completely different light to someone who's too lazy to shed fat they've gained since the relationship began.

Wow. Just wow. That attitude baffles me. Personally, while in a relationship, I am also living my life. There are other things going on in my life that could lead to gaining weight, without it being any reflection on my relationship. How you can link the two without seeing any external reasons or being sympathetic towards other factors is beyond me.


OP, I wouldn't worry unduly about it - certainly not questioning his sexuality unless there are other indicators, or you have a gut feeling. The only way this can be sorted is to mention it to him. Or, what might make him feel comfortable talking about it is to reassure him that you still love him and find him attractive - it may improve his self-esteem, if that's the problem.

Ickle Magoo

You've spent a third of your relatively short relationship with a guy who has gone off sex? Have you not asked him what on earth is going on? Like, months ago? :eek:

You have to get to the bottom of it, if you want sex as a part of your relationship then he needs to know that and he needs to do something about it. You have to sit him down and let him know what kind of relationship you want and what aspects of your relationship you don't and work together to get the best for both of you...I would recommend a trip to the GP for himself too, just to make sure there is no medical reasons for his issues.

Best of luck

Bottle_of_Smoke

panda_cub wrote: »

Wow. Just wow. That attitude baffles me. Personally, while in a relationship, I am also living my life. There are other things going on in my life that could lead to gaining weight, without it being any reflection on my relationship. How you can link the two without seeing any external reasons or being sympathetic towards other factors is beyond me.

The OP has said her partner has gained weight big time. In the vast majority of cases people gain excess weight due to over-eating and lack of exercise, not by "living their life". Factor in his excessive computer game playing I'd imagine he's gained weight for those reasons. I think that's deeply disrespectful to her. Losing fat is a bit of work but ultimately very easy, particularly for men.

Sionnachx

Thanks everyone for the replies, suggestions etc.

Yes, I have talked to him, and asked him what was wrong but he just says he doesn't know. I have a very high sex drive so this is really driving me nuts.

I suggested a visit to the doctor but he wont go. At first I thought he wasn't attracted to me anymore and hurt a lot but he assures me that's not the case and I believe him. He said he doesn't even masturbate anymore. I suggested watching porn, he doesn't want to, I suggested him spending a night on his own watching porn thinking it would kick start something but he wont.

And yes I have came right out and asked him if he was gay and he said no. I reassured him that even though it would break my heart if he was gay I would still love him and we would still be friends and I would support him every step of the way. He didn't say much apart from he definitely wasn't gay. He finds it more difficult than I do to talk about things like this so it's really frustrating!

Another thing I thought it might be is Testosterone Deficiency Syndrome (TDS, but he isn't willing to go to the doctor. So I'm at a loss here!

Ickle Magoo

Well, he's left you with a pretty crappy choice then.

You can either spell out to him in no uncertain terms that you are not happy with the status quo and if he doesn't make the effort to get to the bottom of why he has, two years in, suddenly stopped wanting sex then you have no option but to move onto pastures new...or you put up with it.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Sionnachx wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies, suggestions etc.

Yes, I have talked to him, and asked him what was wrong but he just says he doesn't know. I have a very high sex drive so this is really driving me nuts.

I suggested a visit to the doctor but he wont go. At first I thought he wasn't attracted to me anymore and hurt a lot but he assures me that's not the case and I believe him. He said he doesn't even masturbate anymore. I suggested watching porn, he doesn't want to, I suggested him spending a night on his own watching porn thinking it would kick start something but he wont.

And yes I have came right out and asked him if he was gay and he said no. I reassured him that even though it would break my heart if he was gay I would still love him and we would still be friends and I would support him every step of the way. He didn't say much apart from he definitely wasn't gay. He finds it more difficult than I do to talk about things like this so it's really frustrating!

Another thing I thought it might be is Testosterone Deficiency Syndrome (TDS, but he isn't willing to go to the doctor. So I'm at a loss here!

He's definitely hiding something from you. He'd go to the doctor if he wasn't. Unfortunately I have no idea what that is. I doubt its being gay because gay men can still have sex with women and he'd go through the motions if he could use it to hide it from you

Danima

Does your boyfriend share a bed with you, do you know if he get erections in his sleep? Men normally do. There might be a problem with his equipment - chances are he might be too embarrassed about it to discuss it with you, or even going to his GP.

In regards to him being gay, how were things when ye first got together, were you doing it 5 times a day, or was it more like once a week? Is he from a conservative family?

I do feel for you, not feeling wanted by your lover does hurt. It's important for your relationship that you nip this one in the bud. I have a friend in the same situation- she's not had sex with her boyfriend in 3 years, her story is more or less identical to yours.

StarryMoon0

Sionnachx wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies, suggestions etc.

Yes, I have talked to him, and asked him what was wrong but he just says he doesn't know. I have a very high sex drive so this is really driving me nuts.

I suggested a visit to the doctor but he wont go. At first I thought he wasn't attracted to me anymore and hurt a lot but he assures me that's not the case and I believe him. He said he doesn't even masturbate anymore. I suggested watching porn, he doesn't want to, I suggested him spending a night on his own watching porn thinking it would kick start something but he wont.

Trust me..asking him to watch porn on is own to "kickstart" things is not the way to hunny... not a good idea.

OK, so you say he's playing these games a lot..how much?
Did the sex start decreasing the more games he played?
This can happen to people..they get caught up in it and everything else is just * meh * ..can't be @rsed..yer playin the game..

Maybe he's having some performance problems..happens to guys now and then..

Add it together, the gaming, the weight, maybe a bit depressed, low energy, not feeling like he can perfomr..it easier to just not do it..

It does concern me he won't go to Dr. I mean, it could be something incredibly simple that could be fixed up in a minute..
Is he on any medication, smoker, drinker??