Being myself holding me back?

LegacyUser

Hey. I'm a 29 year old single guy. Had a few girlfriends in the past, but as these things go, they ended for various reasons. The last time I was in a relationship was 18 months ago. Anyway, I've been trying the whole internet dating scene, and quite honestly, it didn't work out for me. For whatever reasons, I got little in the way of replies, and while the old confidence took a bit of a knock, I know it's not the end of the world. As I was told by exes, I'm not exactly a fanciable guy at first, but I have a way of winning girls over with my personality. Swings and roundabouts! I get on pretty well with people, and can certainly hold my own out socialising. I have a bit of fear approaching women, but am working on that.

Anyway, I was talking to my flatmate tonight, who is a girl. I was talking to her about the whole internet dating thing, and my lack of luck with women over the last year. I was asking her if she had any advice about how I can become the Don Juan I'm sure all men aspire to be. I was pretty surprised and a little shocked when she suggested I change who I am. She said that being into movies and comic books are not attractive to women and I need to be more attractive. As in more of the generic bloke out looking to get laid kind of thing. The problem is, that is absolutely who I don't want to be. I mean, I'm no slacker. Yeah, I'm into my movies, comics, music, art and what not. I'm not a jock. Neither am I a slob. I keep fit and make sure I don't look like I fell out of bed and into a potato sack. I have pride in how I look, but I'm a jeans and tee shirt kind of guy. I'm not the suit, slacks, shirt kind. I work in graphic design, so I guess you can picture how I might look and what I'm into.

The bottom line is, I'm pretty happy with who I am. And what I'm into. I know it's not the kind of thing everybody is into, but we all have different things we like, and things which make us comfortable. Look, I'm no Brad Cruise. Neither am I arse ugly. But hearing things like I was told don't exactly inspiring confidence. I'm right to be who I am, right? Even as I type that, I know it's true. But I would like the opinions of the fine boardsies. Should I change? It's best to be myself, right? Even if some people think that might be a bit nerdy... I'm not ashamed of it. If I am what a nerd is, I guess I'm a nerd. Is staying this way bound to leave me single?!

stinkle

no, it certainly isnt bound to leave you single. and definitely don't change who you are! that was really insensitive of your friend. not all girls are into jocks, and we can see through an act anyway! there's nothing wrong with your hobbies, I think theyre interesting and would never ridicule or judge anyone over their interests, no matter what they were.

perhaps a girl with similar taste is the one to find? someone into the same groups/genres of music as you. it's totally normal to strike up a conversation at a gig or performance with like-minded people. Art is a great conversation starter too, far better than generic sports rubbish or drunk talking any time perhaps frequent galleries more often, or if you're a good artist yourself then put your work out there. girls like comic books too!

ps we all have a fear of approaching people, its damn scary alright! please don't let your friends comments upset you. i doubt she meant to be harsh, but it certainly wasn't helpful. if you can, tell her it was hurtful and you'd prefer honest but constructive criticism. no one should have to change who they are for other people

seamus

StayOrChange wrote: »

Even if some people think that might be a bit nerdy... I'm not ashamed of it.

And that is the single most overriding attractive quality that any man can possess - confidence. Confidence in yourself trumps everything and will make you successful in all aspects of life.

There's no such thing as an archetypal male that all women find attractive. Exactly the same, you cannot be yourself and be guaranteed that women will flee - some women will find you attractive, others will not. That's the nature of the game.

Relish in your nerdiness, celebrate the fact that you're not a stereotypical conformist male. The women who are attracted to you are generally far more fun and far easier to get on with than those who look for the trophy boyfriend. Why would you want to be with someone if you couldn't be yourself with them?
If you're looking for a partner, then you're looking for someone whom you can share your love of nerdy topics with, not someone who regards it as your secret shame.

You've loads of time. Continue doing what you love doing - in fact immerse yourself even deeper into it and you'll meet someone in time.

Miss Fluff

Your interests are what makes you interesting. She is basically suggesting that you manafacture a personality whereby you are less interesting and less unique. I agree with Sunslower27 on this, she sounds like a twat. IGNORE her.

Eve_Dublin

What is she suggesting? You dump all your comics and films to get a chick? FFS my two fellow Boards ladies are right: twat. What a hurtful thing to say and talk about knocking your confidence even more! You know she´s wrong, don´t you?

Each to their own, OP. Your housemate is obviously into the generic kind of fella but believe me, any girl worth her salt i.e: any girl who has a brain likes a man who has interests in something beyond football and getting p*ssed. Clever men are attractive. Like attract alike in the long-term.

See, I think the problem is a lot of guys tend to go for girls who they´ve nothing in common just ´cos she´s attractive. It´s not a nonstarter. Be a little more selective about the girls you go for. I can usually spot the guys I´m going to have something in common with just by looking at them...I´m not going to go for the guy in the Rugby jersey and Dubarrys for example but that´s just me. Unfortunately I don´t think some men think that way, go for some girl who they fancy but will clearly have nothing in common with, get rejected and get their confidence knocked.

If you believe you´re a catch and you´re making the most out of what you got, then don´t change nothing. I´d rather be single than be with someone who doesn´t know who I really am.

fasty

Just be yourself! I'm pretty nerdy and I have had great luck with the ladies since I realised that I should just be myself and not give a ****!

Cheap Thrills!

I can wholeheartedly confirm she is 100% WRONG.

What sh!t advice. Maybe she thinks you are looking to please the Princess type of girl who likes a homogenised ''Brad Cruise" as you so wittily called them!

I LOVE 'nerds' -there is nothing sexier than a man with interests and passions.

Please ignore your stupid flatmate and PLEASE do not become a homogenised 'Ken doll'

You sound a great catch actually, 18 months is a dry patch but even Supermodels have those. Don't go changing and make sure you meet a girl who is WORTHY!

mood

Totally disagree with her. The only interest you have that I wouldn't share is the comic books. She sound childish. Also why wear suits etc if your job doesn't require it!

Emme

You sound like you're really cool just being yourself, like somebody else said, a real catch. I wish I was 10 or 15 years younger!

Ignore your flatmate's advice about changing yourself. If you haven't done this already try joining film or book clubs where you can meet like-minded people and girls who share your interests. There's nothing wrong with comics - especially the manga ones. Don't wear suits if it isn't you - as a graphic designer you probably have good dress sense anyway. It's just that your flatmate probably doesn't see past suits, stuffed shirts and fat wallets. Boring jocks knocking back pints, with nothing to talk about and having a one-night-stand with a different woman every weekend. You don't want to be like that, believe me!

18 months isn't long not to be in a relationship. Your lack of success with internet dating is no reflection on you because an awful lot of people on those sites lie about everything and it's all very superficial. You're better off getting out into the real world.

LC2010HIS

you sound great and theres nothing wrong with you.

Dont listen to your friend. Everyone is unique.

LegacyUser

I wouldnt totally disagree with your housemate. She probably didnt mean any malice, and she's just giving you her honest opinion on something that you openly discussed with her.

Intellegence is attractive. Whats the nerdy thing though? what is a nerd? dribbling notrils, skinny and extra computor savvy?

Wiki says:

Nerd is a term, often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who avidly pursues intellectual activities, technical or scientific endeavours, esoteric knowledge, or other obscure interests that are unusual for one's age, rather than engaging in more social or conventional activities. The nerd may be awkward, shy and unattractive.[1] Therefore, a nerd is often excluded from physical activity and considered a loner by peers, or will tend to associate with like-minded people.

Is staying that way bound to leave you single?

Probably.
Pretend your something else for a while. See how that works. If it works, good , if it doesnt change back. SIMPLE.

LegacyUser

Many thanks for the replies, people. It really made me feel better about the incident. I am pretty happy with myself, and I don't intend on changing. I'd rather be with someone who likes me for who I am than compromise myself for someone. In fact it'd be better to be on my own and myself than compromise. It's really good to see that there are people out there with integrity and a good sense of what makes someone unique. Once again, I really appreciate the kind words.

jimmycrackcorm

Your flatmate is simply saying that you need to sell yourself and not that you need to be something you are not. She's right and I think you recognise that from the comment about winning girls over with your personality.