Problem with GFs Performance

recycle1972

Hi all,

I'll do best to put my issue down without rambling or ranting.

My GF is into a bit of drama and recently took a role in a pretty explicit and controversial play. I was cool with this as she said there was nothing in any way provactive about her character and performance. However, when I went to see it I was absolutely apalled. I couldn't believe what she was doing on stage and felt publicly humiliated and betrayed.

I should point out that this is in no way a jealousy or trust issue. It's more to do with a public display of that which I feel should be kept private between two people in a relationship. I left the theatre absolutely raging but went home to cool off and left it a couple days before talking to her about it because I wanted to talk rationally about it and not completely lose the rag. She knows how I feel about it now but has said she'll be continuing with the show and that this sort of stuff will be happening again in the future.

We've been together about nearly four years but I really don't know if I can put this behind me or deal with it in the future. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this issue. I actually don't really now what my question is, just looking for general opinions I suppose.

Neyite

recycle1972 wrote: »

I couldn't believe what she was doing on stage and felt publicly humiliated and betrayed.

I should point out that this is in no way a jealousy or trust issue. It's more to do with a public display of that which I feel should be kept private between two people in a relationship

what she was doing on stage was acting. pretending to be a character in a story. if there was simulated sex/etc then it, again is pretend. if it was nudity, then its her body, and her choice surely?

what exactly was going on in the play that offended you, to the point of walking out of a theater raging and ignoring your long term girlfriend for days?

recycle1972

Neyite wrote: »

what she was doing on stage was acting. pretending to be a character in a story. if there was simulated sex/etc then it, again is pretend. if it was nudity, then its her body, and her choice surely?

I know it's pretend but it's the fact that it's a public display which has bothered me. If she was a stripper giving a lap dance it would still be pretend and I'd still have a problem with it. There was no nudity on her part and I'm fully aware that it's her body and therefore her choice but when you're in a relationship I don't think this is something that should be undertaken without considering your partner's feelings. I know I'm free to do what I want with my body but I wouldn't do anything with it that would hurt her.

Neyite wrote: »

what exactly was going on in the play that offended you, to the point of walking out of a theater raging and ignoring your long term girlfriend for days?

Thanks for this comment. Maybe I should have specified that I was looking for useful feedback.

Peggypeg

recycle1972 wrote: »

Hi all,

I'll do best to put my issue down without rambling or ranting.

My GF is into a bit of drama and recently took a role in a pretty explicit and controversial play. I was cool with this as she said there was nothing in any way provactive about her character and performance. However, when I went to see it I was absolutely apalled. I couldn't believe what she was doing on stage and felt publicly humiliated and betrayed.

I should point out that this is in no way a jealousy or trust issue. It's more to do with a public display of that which I feel should be kept private between two people in a relationship. I left the theatre absolutely raging but went home to cool off and left it a couple days before talking to her about it because I wanted to talk rationally about it and not completely lose the rag. She knows how I feel about it now but has said she'll be continuing with the show and that this sort of stuff will be happening again in the future.

We've been together about nearly four years but I really don't know if I can put this behind me or deal with it in the future. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this issue. I actually don't really now what my question is, just looking for general opinions I suppose.

Hey OP,

It certainly sounds like a jealously/trust issue to me. You said yourself that there was no nudity on her part. She's into acting. If you can't take your girlfriend behaving in a provocative manner on stage then you should definately finish things. She has every right to pursue her dreams, the only thing you could reasonably have a problem with is if she's literally having sex on stage, which doesn't sound like the case at all. I'm glad to hear that she won't be dropping her acting for you. You should be supportive of your partner's goals otherwise you'll just end up holding her back and she'll end up leaving you anyways. You need to figure out if you can think of this in a more grown up fashion, if not then do both of you a favour and end things.

Best of luck.

sexdwarf

Neyite wrote: »

what exactly was going on in the play that offended you, to the point of walking out of a theater raging and ignoring your long term girlfriend for days?

I think this is a valid question, it's hard to give an opinion without getting a better idea of what it was that has offended you so much.

If it's that she was engaged in some sort of explicit activity that you feel betrayed your intimacy with her, then I think you need to question why this bothers you.

It's hard to have an opinion without more info.

Buford T Justice

sexdwarf wrote: »

I think this is a valid question, it's hard to give an opinion without getting a better idea of what it was that has offended you so much.

If it's that she was engaged in some sort of explicit activity that you feel betrayed your intimacy with her, then I think you need to question why this bothers you.

It's hard to have an opinion without more info.

+1

We can't give you genuine feedback unless we know what she was doing that appalled you so much.

That said, if its not a trust or jealousy issue, then I don't see what it could be. You say that these things should be kept privately between two in a relationship, and that a fair comment if she is talking about you on stage, but if its a portrayal of another relationship, then its just acting as far as I can see.

krudler

It cant be easy to see your partner doing something that bothers you, pretend or not. Everyoe whos telling you to cop on should ask themselves how they would feel if they saw their oh's acting and doing whatever it was she was doing (I'm assuming it was something sexual) Its a tough one tbh, yeah its acting but obviously watching someone you're romantically involved with pretending to simulate sex or whatever it was couldnt be comfortable to watch. Mention it to her without arguing and see what she says, not talking wont solve anything really.

Wagon

recycle1972 wrote: »

Hi all,
My GF is into a bit of drama and recently took a role in a pretty explicit and controversial play. I was cool with this as she said there was nothing in any way provactive about her character and performance.

Then she went and had simulated sex on stage. It's still only acting, not serious in any way. but she could have forewarned you. "Nothing explicit" my hole. What boyfriend wants to see that?

knows how I feel about it now but has said she'll be continuing with the show and that this sort of stuff will be happening again in the future.

Well, fúck her so.

What i read is this:
Two people in a relationship. One begins doing something the other isn't comfortable with.
You tell her this.
She tells you it'll be happening again. And that's it.

Not exactly talking things through as a couple is it? If she isn't interested in trying to sort this out so you are both happy, then i'd take a hard look at things.

Chinafoot

Wagon wrote: »

Well, fúck her so.

What i read is this:
Two people in a relationship. One begins doing something the other isn't comfortable with.
You tell her this.
She tells you it'll be happening again. And that's it.

Not exactly talking things through as a couple is it? If she isn't interested in trying to sort this out so you are both happy, then i'd take a hard look at things.

What would have been better then? She wants to act and she wants to continue this play that I assume she has given up her time for, rehearsed for and made a commitment to everyone else involved. She should just jack it in because the OP feels "humiliated and betrayed" by something that is art, and not real? How does the OP propose to sort it out so both are happy? He clearly doesn't want her to do it anymore. Hardly a compromise on his part. He couldn't even bring himself to talk to her afterwards so this lack of communication is not one-sided. It is possible that she genuinely doesn't feel that her performance contained anything that might be deemed as provocative. And maybe she felt that after 4 years together their relationship would be strong enough for the OP to see that playing a part on stage isn't a betrayal of their relationship.

This is an issue that the OP needs to either deal with like an adult (getting in a huff and refusing to speak to his girlfriend for a number of days is not being an adult) or else end the relationship. If he decides he can't be with her because of a performance in a play, then thats his decision, but its completely unfair for him to expect her to just jack it in because he feels "humiliated and betrayed".

recycle1972

Just to be clear, I didn't refuse to speak to her. I took some time to collect myself before trying to talk the issue through because I felt doing it with a hot head would be counter-productive.

Thanks for the advice all, especially to the people who don't just see things in black and white. I'm well aware there's validity to her argument but as always there are two sides to every coin.

fungun

if there was no nudity the worst i can imagine is simulated sex/oral...if it is sth like that she certainly should have told you (esp if she told you there was nothing provocative)

But it is all about what the act was tbf....if it was like that then I see your point....if it was just a flirty role then Id think you are over-reacting a bit considering she does acting

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

Then she went and had simulated sex on stage. It's still only acting, not serious in any way. but she could have forewarned you. "Nothing explicit" my hole. What boyfriend wants to see that?

Well, fúck her so.

you seem to be taking this very personally! Where did the OP say that his girlfriend simulated sex on stage?

Wagon

unregistered wrote: »

you seem to be taking this very personally! Where did the OP say that his girlfriend simulated sex on stage?

read the second post. all of it.

recycle1972

unregistered wrote: »

you seem to be taking this very personally! Where did the OP say that his girlfriend simulated sex on stage?

I didn't explicitly say that but she did.

fungun

if my gf was an actress i guess id be ok with it if it is what she wants to do....but not telling you there was anything like this in the play was out of order.

Did she not know you were going to be attending?

Faith

I have a friend who's an actress. She was recently in a play where she played a prostitute, and simulated oral sex on a man on stage. Her boyfriend went to see her in the play every single night it was on.

My ex also enjoyed a spot of acting. I found it difficult to disconnect my boyfriend from the character on stage, but regardless of how I felt about this, I made a strong point of supporting him in it. If it bothers you that much, don't go to see it again. Simple as.

LegacyUser

imo its completely and utterly your problem as your very obviously jealous at what the role requires her to do.

your gf is engaging in the part of a fictional character on stage, if that character is a prostitute, a murderer or a nun its all the same. ITS IS JUST ACTING.

Your issue seems to be that you are worried about what others will think, and that you are looking at her acting with a 'dirty mind', which is reinforced by your example of if she was a stripper giving a lapdance, your negative conotations here are a product of your imagination.

To everyone else in the theatre she is an actress doing her best in a difficult role.

You either need to manage your jealously, or else you will lose her as I would doubt she is prepared to give up acting because your jealous / a prude. Some adult perspective is definitely required on your part.

Denimgirl

I don;t think you should see her shows?plays when she is playing these parts!I have done many shows and theres nothing in it,though I do know how you feel when you see someone you love being close to or being se*y or whatever, it's a craft and you can't expect her to give up something she enjoys.Jennifer Lopez was asked does her husband Marc Antony be on set when she is acting out love scenes? she says no he does'nt like it we don't watch eachother being with anybody else she says it would drive her crazy!I would be the same just don;t watch the shows

fungun

i dunno, my imagination would be worse; think id prefer to see it if its happening!

iguana

I know a lot of people here have said it's just acting but the fact is that not everyone will be comfortable with that. It does require a certain amount of effort to be in a relationship with an actor, to see your partner be sexual, romantic or intimate with another person, to see them display sadism, cruelty, nastiness and not let it effect your relationship takes work and effort.

My husband works in tv/film and I've spent enough time around actors to know I could never see myself able to have a relationship with one. Actors who play intimate parts with each other break down the barriers people put up around their personal space and even when not working those barriers often stay down. I'm just talking about small unconscious things, touching hands, stroking hair, sitting too close, bodies turned toward each other. It's easy to see why so many actors end up having affairs with their on screen partners. It takes quite a bit of focus to switch physical intimacy on and off and I'm seriously impressed by the ones who manage it as tbh, they are fairly rare.

What the OP needs to decide is if he is someone who is fully comfortable dating someone who does what his GF does. As long as she is just acting she is doing absolutely nothing wrong but if the OP can't handle it that's not wrong of him either. It's neither of their faults, not everyone is compatible. Just be honest, first with yourself and when you know how you feel, be honest with her.

dudara

I don't think this is about the acting at all.

The OP and his GF have been going out for 4 years - surely after that time, they both have a good understanding of the other. The OP's GF should have known that this would not go down well with him. In fact, based on his posts, I believe that she did know that, as she reassured him that the play would be OK.

Now to me, the fact that she seems to have hid the true nature of the play from him is more worrying than whatever she was doing on stage.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Ok I wouldn't personally have a problem with this if I was told the truth and therefore knew not to watch it/could watch it knowing what was coming.

I would have a huge problem with full public nudity so I can empathise with your feelings too.

It was a bitchy thing of her to do. She should have told you exactly what her role involved and not lied to you about it. That sets a bad precedent and makes it difficult for you to trust her about other things.

Ultimately though I think that was the worst part. The role in itself I think you should probably accept, it is just acting. It was as an absolutely awful thing to do setting you up for a surprise and maybe you should be more concerned about how inconsiderate of your feelings she was.

Esoteric_

I've been acting for 15+ years, so I can understand that your girlfriend sees it as nothing more than an acting role and if it's work, why should you get bothered (in her opinion)?

that said, I don't think you're being jealous at all. You have certain morals and beliefs and would expect that your partner of 4 years would understand and respect that. That's not jealousy, that's normal.

Obviously it'd be terrible for her acting career if she were to just up and leave the role now, so I can understand her insistence that she will finish the run of the show, but at the same time, she's showing very little respect by saying she'll do more like that. I mean, if my partner of 2 years was in any way uncomfortable with my acting, I wouldn't lie to him and say it wasn't explicit (not that I've done much explicit stuff). I'd tell him out straight that it is somewhat graphic but reassure him that I love him etc (just in case jealousy has a part in it) and if he were still unhappy, I'd offer to not take up any work like that after the show had ended.

It's not unreasonable to expect her to have the respect to not take a second role like this. If she were completely broke and it paid well, I suppose she'd be within her rights to take on a role like that in the future, but as your girlfriend she should know you well enough to respect your wishes rather than just do what she wants because frankly, it's selfish.

Balmed Out

Everyone has different moral standards about whats acceptable or not behaviour while in a relationship and thats part of what makes us compatabile or not.
If theres a large discrepency between what she told you and what was actually happening then you have every right to be upset and clearly she knows it or she would have been more upfront from the start. From what youve said shes the one being immature and selfish.

bronte

Hi Op,

I'm an actress myself and have "simulated sex on stage" whilst in a relationship.
I think it's very important to be honest with partners about anything I think may be an issue.
Maybe you feel this way because she didn't communicate enough with you?
Is that the problem?

To me it's something that is just a part of work.
If I'm in a relationship then that's it.
No "scene" is going to take away from that.

Honesty, in my experience is always the best policy.

Exclamation Marc

There's also an issue as to how much of the simulated sex on stage was actually simulated. As in if there is no nudity as you said, how "simulated" was the sex? Was it "dry humping" (awful phrase, but can't think of any other) that made you uncomfortable or was it full on kissing?

It is clearly a trust/jealousy issue. Everyone is different though, some people are comfortable with that sort of thing, others arent. But have you had any trust issues in your 4 years going out together? If you have, then this, to me, would be completely unacceptable behaviour by her, as she would know that you have issues with this. If you've had smooth sailing for 4 years, then maybe if you can put up with this play til its over, and tell your gf that you never want that again, then great. Either way, you're not "right" or "wrong" in whatever you decide, as everyone has different tolerance levels and levels of what they can accept, however it would seem a shame to end a 4 year relationship over a play.

She does seem to have been slightly liberal with the extent of what she's doing on stage, but is it something you want to break up over? It would be suicide for her drama career to just pull out for these reasons, so if it is bugging you to no end, you have to tell her that you need a compromise. If she's completely unwilling to compromise with you and is just telling you to accept that this will happen again, then your right to be angry, as relationships are about compromise and if she's unwilling to, then there's your answer.

fungun

hmm, for me its not a jealousy issue at all, as someone said above.

Its the fact that she said it was not a provocative role and it was. Why she did this is the key bit to understand.

Suggests to me she knew OP would not be happy about it and decided she wanted to do it anyway. If so, then ye need a conversation about whats important in both your lives and where your reln fits in the list. If her acting will be above your reln then you need to either go with that or leave.

Kooli

fungun wrote: »

hmm, for me its not a jealousy issue at all, as someone said above.

Its the fact that she said it was not a provocative role and it was. Why she did this is the key bit to understand.

Suggests to me she knew OP would not be happy about it and decided she wanted to do it anyway. If so, then ye need a conversation about whats important in both your lives and where your reln fits in the list. If her acting will be above your reln then you need to either go with that or leave.

That's not the impression I got from the OP (that the issue is the fact that she didn't prepare him) - he seems to be saying the issue is the fact that she did what she did.

I agree with other posters who say this is the OP's problem to figure out, not hers.

If she is serious about acting, then it is her right to pick whatever roles she wants. How many movies have you seen that have sex in them? Should all the women in those scenes have refused to do the scenes because of potential upset to their boyfriends?

I also find it a bit strange the way you said that what you saw was something that should be kept private between two people in a relationship - does that mean you object to any displays of sexual activity in any play or movie? Or just when your girlfriend is involved?

I recognise how hard it is, but you yourself have to decide if you are able for it or not. To expect her not to go ahead with the rest of the play is ludicrous to be honest. And to suggest that her going ahead with the play means that she is putting her acting above your relationship is ridiculous. It could just mean she thinks you are being unreasonable, and is not not willing to pander to it and put her ambitions aside to massage your bruised ego.

fungun

Kooli wrote: »

And to suggest that her going ahead with the play means that she is putting her acting above your relationship is ridiculous.

All depends on the reln imo.

If I was doing something that my partner found really really difficult to cope with then Id certainly consider not doing it, unless it meant more to me than my reln.

If it happens all the time it might be pandering, but if its one specific thing its actually being understanding.

Sebastien De Valmont

Persuade your girlfriend to act out the sex scene unsimulated with you.
It should give her good practise and it should make you happy to know she only does it for real with you:D

That should clear the air.

Try it and see.