BF wants to quit job in the middle of a recession

LegacyUser

My BF hates his job but he's on great money (About 80K pa) and has the chance of promotion. He came home on Friday and told me he's quitting at the end of the month. We're together a year and we want to get married and have a family within the next few years. I'm worried he's following his dream of running his own business (in the same field of work) to the detriment of our future plans. He does hate his job and has always dreamed of going out on his own, but I don't know if now is the time to do it. We're in our 30s and I think he feels if he doesn't do it now he never will.
How can I voice my conerns without sounding naggy or deflating his plans for opening his own business? He's in quite a recession proof industry but his timing leaves a lot to be desired.

Publicdiservice

To be fair to your BF, as he is in his early thirties and is not yet married with kids, if his desire is to run his own business, this is probably the best time to do it, the longer he leaves it the less likely he will get to do it.
Also if you pressure him to stay in a job he cleary does not like he will grow to resent you for it. While you may not like it ultimately its his own decision.

LegacyUser

I'd move heaven and earth to stop him doing this if I were you. Most likely your relationship would sink like a stone.

mm.ie

There is too much of me by both of you. I suggest an open and frank discussion, pro and cons lists the whole works.

You must try to be open to the fact that he has had enough though and once the "joint" decision is taken you must support him through thick and thin. I agree with the poster who says that now is the time. By the time he gets to 40 it will be too late for him to go out on his own and you will be a prime vessel for all his gripes and resentment.

There is a recession and I'm sure he has thought of this but its not like he is heading off to be a Tibetan monk or anything. He is going to set up in the same business and he obviously feels he can do it......

Its not an easy one so good luck.

M

krudler

quitting? wrote: »

My BF hates his job but he's on great money (About 80K pa) and has the chance of promotion. He came home on Friday and told me he's quitting at the end of the month. We're together a year and we want to get married and have a family within the next few years. I'm worried he's following his dream of running his own business (in the same field of work) to the detriment of our future plans. He does hate his job and has always dreamed of going out on his own, but I don't know if now is the time to do it. We're in our 30s and I think he feels if he doesn't do it now he never will.
How can I voice my conerns without sounding naggy or deflating his plans for opening his own business? He's in quite a recession proof industry but his timing leaves a lot to be desired.

there ya go, so you'd rather he suffer a miserable existence to keep you happy? the guy is taking a chance sure, but better that than look back and regret not getting off his ass and doing something, you said hes in a recession proof industry (no such thing btw) so if he can make it work and is willing to, more power to him. If more people took the initiative like him instead of whinging about how much they hate their jobs we'd be better off.

carolinespring

quitting? wrote: »

My BF hates his job but he's on great money (About 80K pa) and has the chance of promotion. He came home on Friday and told me he's quitting at the end of the month. We're together a year and we want to get married and have a family within the next few years. I'm worried he's following his dream of running his own business (in the same field of work) to the detriment of our future plans. He does hate his job and has always dreamed of going out on his own, but I don't know if now is the time to do it. We're in our 30s and I think he feels if he doesn't do it now he never will.
How can I voice my conerns without sounding naggy or deflating his plans for opening his own business? He's in quite a recession proof industry but his timing leaves a lot to be desired.

It is not far to expect him to stay in a job he hates. I know it can be a worry but if its is something that he really needs to do, you have to go with it. I know how much you are afraid of what could happen.

My husband hated his jopb and wanted to start his own company for years. I was againtest it for a number of reason, (1) I was self employed (2) he would be leaving a sucure well paid job (3) The stress it would but on him/me/us (4) the worry of would happen if it failed. He put it off but it was still what he wanted to do and I could see how unhappy he was at work so we talked about it again and he finished up at work in late 08 and lauched his company in 09 and thankfully it is all going well. He is away a fair bit but is so much happier. We have less money but all going well that will sonn change. He works much longer hours but he is so excited everyday about what he is doing and is a total changed man.

I would say, get behind him and support him. Hopefully it will all work out and he will be much happier. It is not fair to expect him to stay in a job he is unhqappy in.

If you want to chat more about how I coped with it all or how you feel about it PM me.

Wishing you all the best. C

robby^5

There's more to life than money, being miserable just to earn a buck isnt worth it in the long run. Also as other posters have said, now would be the best time in his life to start up a business while he's still young. In the long run, if it is a success, then his quality of life will improve and who knows he might end up making even more money.

seenitall

foolishbf wrote: »

I'd move heaven and earth to stop him doing this if I were you. Most likely your relationship would sink like a stone.

I sincerely hope this is just some heavy sarcasm...

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Buford T Justice

Honestly, I think you are over-reacting a bit here OP. When you have responsibilities like children to support things could well be different, but money comes and money goes

If he said he was doing this after being made redundant would you feel the same?

Nevyn

I can understand that it can be a shock esp when you had tought that he was in a secure job with a good income and that was part of planning your future together and having a family together and that you have to rethink.

kayos

Are you in a relationship with him for his job or for your love of him?

If you had a dream of becoming an actress would you be happy if he tried to talk you out of it? Or would you prefer your partner to offer you the love and support a partner should offer you to follow your dreams?

G-Money

This is a tough one OP. I think most of us have been in jobs that we absolutely hate. I know I have anyway. That elation when it's Friday evening and then the all consuming despair and desire to jump in front of a bus on Monday morning just to avoid going to work. In my mind I think it's unfair that a job can push people to such extreme's and you're just supposed to deal with it. But I digress.

Anyway, I agree with others in that if you effectively stop him from doing this, he could very easily begin to resent you further down the line as the person who stopped him from following his dream. I agree that it's a bad time to pack up a secure job, but at the same time, sometimes a job gets so bad that you simply have to do something to get out of it.

I think having a chat with him is a good idea. But not one where you chat to him with the aim of having him change his mind and agree with you. Both of you need to be honest, but not confrontational and it's more likely there will be a positive outcome.

One suggestion I'd have is to whether he can start this business part-time. He could keep his job at the moment to pay the bills and to put some money aside for the business. But start it up and work on it in the evenings and weekends. That way he gets the chance to explore it, test the water in a risk free environment. Then if he likes it and it gets successful, he can pack in his day job.

Obviously we don't know what his dream job is so perhaps that's not feasible, but if it is, I think it would be a good idea. It might also help him mentally as well in that he feels like he's doing something to get away from the job he hates.

Also now is probably the best time for him. I don't think you's have a mortgage and have no children. Once those come along, it's going to put more pressure on the finances and I'm sure you'd be even less keen on the idea then.

All the best OP. All I'd say is avoid the trap of "Short term gain, long term pain".

Cullen82

For what it's worth, I personally made a life changing decision 2 years ago at the height of the recession. Left a well paid job with excellent prospects I'm doing what i want now and never happier

In hindsight my job had been making me miserable.

I realise it's an important decision and financially you both need to be responsible but at the end of the day do you want a well paid husband or a miserable boyfriend?

I also realise you have made some sort of commitment to each other but no offence, I believe it's entirely his decision - If you want to help him, try coaxing him toward doing what he wants and what will make him happy.

Ickle Magoo

I think if he's miserable and he had a good business plan and a fair chance of succeeding with his own company then it's a no brainer - the guy shouldn't be stuck in a job he hates just because he gets paid well.

I don't think there is ever a "good time" to take business risks, there will always be a recession or mortgage or wedding or baby or whatever which makes the plan even riskier. If it's what he really wants to do then I think you should support him - by all means make sure he has a word with the local enterprise board/initiative and has all the business knowledge he needs but ultimately just working a job because of how worthy you are viewed in monitory terms is going to lead to resentment.

Best of luck.

fungun

there are a whole heap of details missing if you need good advice here.

In general I agree with the posters that if he wants a change cos he is miserable he should go for it....and as someone who loves him if I was him Id be expecting some level of support in this decision from you rather than worry...unless the risk is not worth the reward (i.e. how bad could your finances get? are you earning money and he will be living off you temporarily? Is it your only src of income?)

I also dont understand why if he is in a recession proof business why his timing leaves a lot to be desired? This looks like the right time imo, potentially has a second 'back up' income if it goes badly, dont yet have kids (?)....best time to do it id have said.

tenchi-fan

I think it's your boyfriend's decision. I don't think it's selfish.. if he hates his job, he hates his job. You can't put a price on happiness and I know plenty of people who left high-paid jobs to work part-time.

It's better for him to do it now than regret it all his life, wondering what might have been.. or even worse, trying to do something similar when he is married and has kids.

sure, give him your input, give constructive criticism, make sure he considers all the risks.. You might even be able to help him by finding info from the city or county enterprise boards... but don't let yourself be the only thing between him and his dream job.

G-Money

Also OP, if the situation was reversed, I'm pretty sure you'd expect him to support you 100%. Would be unfair if you weren't willing to return the favour.

LegacyUser

My BF hates his job but he's on great money (About 80K pa) and has the chance of promotion. He came home on Friday and told me he's quitting at the end of the month. We're together a year and we want to get married and have a family within the next few years. I'm worried he's following his dream of running his own business (in the same field of work) to the detriment of our future plans. He does hate his job and has always dreamed of going out on his own, but I don't know if now is the time to do it. We're in our 30s and I think he feels if he doesn't do it now he never will.
How can I voice my conerns without sounding naggy or deflating his plans for opening his own business? He's in quite a recession proof industry but his timing leaves a lot to be desired.

Op as someone who spent years in a job i loathed, it really takes so much out of you, its just not healthy, eventually it will destroy you mentally, it sounds like you've never worked at a job you hated so maybe you don't really get what this is doing to your boyfriend? Money and a promotion means nothing when you dread going to work every morning. I Hate to say it but you're coming across very selfish here, sounds like you care more about the money than him, like you're financially dependent on him. Why are you so dependent on his income to fund both of your "future plans", Are you not working yourself? its not soley up to him to provide for your future tbh, Ye're only together a year,not very long in the grand scheme of things, its hardly fair to expect him to give up his dream just to keep you happy, if ye were married with kids then it would be a different story, but if there was ever a time for him to and start his own business its now, while hes still young and has no kids to provide for.

R.D. aka MR.D

You don’t actually have children yet so he owes you nothing financially speaking.

However, as a girlfriend I genuinely believe you owe him a lot emotionally. Especially support.

I’ve recently explored a dream and failed. I’m not unhappy. I would be if I was still standing around thinking ‘what if?’

The people who said I told you so, or had the ‘good’ advice before aren’t suddenly transformed into anything other than people who weren’t supportive. They will always be that-unsupportive (I don’t care if they were technically right)

Bananawoman

I'm where you are worried you will be right now and am so proud of my partner. We dont have kids and really want them, but its a little on hold while he quits his amazing salary job he hates (a huge amount of money with much more as he was in line for a promotion too). I believe he will do fantastically, but fantastically for me is that he becomes happy, although I secretly believe he will do well no matter what job he does. Anyway, worst case scenario I can make enough money for us both, even if I was pregnant or had a few kids, we will always manage.

I think you owe him your support, it sounds like he has made an effort to be in the job he hates and has done his best even though he hates it (if he is in line for a promotion). I would be very upset if I felt my partner didnt have any faith in me to make my own way. Hes an adult and has a right to make his own decisions about his job. If you dont like how much money he makes, find someone who makes more.

ilovetosing

Clearly the OP understands the importance of money in the world we live in today which is great but I personally would have to value my personal health and happiness. Your BF is miserable and with you he is only going to be more miserable IF you don't give him the support he needs. Starting up his business will be tough, very tough. You need to support him and not make things harder than they are going to be.

I personally think that you are more interested in him supporting you with his 80k a year and being miserable in his job than him ACTUALLY being happy.

ManOfMystery

OP this really boils down to a simple question : do you want your partner earning lots of money but having a miserable life, or do you want them to be happy?

Have you considered the fact that supporting him, and him being happier in general, will greatly strengthen your relationship?

And he may be earning less that he's on now, but you're making it sound like he is going to be destitute - he may still have more than enough to give you the future you want.

IMO you need to stop focusing so much solely on the financial aspect of this and start thinking about the other (arguably more important) facets, such as your partners happiness and ambition.

fasty

If I was unhappy in my job (oh wait, I am) and I wanted to take a risk and try and go for something better I would resent my partner forever if she tried to stop me and I took her advice.

LegacyUser

I think we're misidentifying the problem here.

He's probably perfectly right to leave his job. It doesn't sound like it's a bad idea, he sounds miserable where he is etc.

but

this guy is in a relationship.

He seems to have made up his mind to do this without talking to the OP at all about it. People who respect their partners don't do that. People who see their relationship as mattering in the long term don't do that. What he's done is send a very big signal to the OP about her position in his life. He doesn't seem to have valued her opinion enough to ask for it.

Starting your own business means an insecure income, difficulty planning holidays, working all hours etc. He doesn't seem to have considered the impact all of that will have on her life, enough to have talked it over with her.

That's what the OP needs to talk to her boyfriend about, not whether or not the new business is a good idea.

magneticimpulse

this sounds like its all about you!!! who cares how much he earns. he only has one life and he wants to do what he enjoys and your stopping him? how selfish is that. i think he should do whatever makes him happy. are you willing to stop him being happy for the rest of the life? you might be dating him for a year, but he has lived his own life for like 30 odd years. i think that gives him the right to do what he wants.

if your so concerned about money, why dont you do this buying house etc yourself? why are you not such an independent person? why are you being so selfish? you dont need these things in life to accomplish your goals, your earnings/salary and your savings. its up to you and you alone to achieve your success and dont tell other people how to live theirs. if you want a huge fancy house, wedding, children, well go out there and get the money yourself!!! stop putting pressure on your boyfriend for him to provide the life you dont have.

OS119

the real problem wrote: »

...That's what the OP needs to talk to her boyfriend about, not whether or not the new business is a good idea.

i kind of disagree - the OP makes clear that this is an issue that been brewing for a long time (possibly the whole length of the relationship?), so she's completely 'in the loop' in terms of knowing that her BF loathes his job and wants to strike out on his own.

it might have been nice if he'd discussed the actualité of it with her - but perhaps, like many people, the situation at work came to a head and he made a decision on the spot - its not perfect, but she can't claim to have been kept in the dark and and had this sprung on her like a bolt from the blue.

its a bolt from a purpley-grey humid sky and she's been listening to the thunder for the last year.

yes they are in a relationship, but they aren't married, they don't have children, they don't (i think) have a house together and one assumes that she pays her own way in life. the tone of the OP's post is that she cares far more about the loss of income and the effect that may have on future plans than she does about her BF's happiness - which perhaps is what the OP and her boyfriend really need to talk about.

for myself, if i were the OP's boyfriend and i'd finally decided to strike out on my own after, one assumes, some pretty serious heartsearching/brainstorming about the prospect of walking away from a secure income and setting up a new business in the current economic climate, and i read her post and saw her attitude, i'd be buying her a present - a one way ticket to singlesville...