Can men and women just be friends?

LegacyUser

I have a very bad history when it comes to relationships. I don't trust people easily, nearly had an affair with a married man once (had the sense not to but did affect me badly), broke up a short while ago with somebody who it turned out is still in love with his ex who left him ages ago.
I did have a friend who I cared about and still care about and who I slept with for 2 years. This was during one of the worst times of my life. He didn't want to be in a relationship. I messed up this friendship by telling somebody who I knew he didnt want me to tell. I was hurt and angry as he had lied to me about something. I am of course no angel & did hurt him. His friendship however was always something which was very important to me, however I understand that maybe he feels that I use him when I have a problem. I am trying to be a better person & miss our friendship. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation with a friend? & can that friendship be saved?. This seems to hurt the most knowing that I have hurt & lost somebody important to me. Our am I just being self centred & need to learn to become more thick skinned & just get on with my life and not care? Constructive criticism on this would be most welcome.

TechnoPool

yep , one of my best friends in female, in my experience they can be.

entropi

In short: yes, they most certainly can:) My best friend is a woman and I'd never imagine trying anything on with her!

I've lots of female friends who I'd consider just that, friends and nothing more is ever gonna happen:)

kjl

Well, if there is no attraction to each other then yes

the_monkey

Absolutely , one of my best friends in my student life was a woman ..

Wibbs

So long as neither party wants to bump uglies then yes.

fasty

I think men and women can be friends. I even think it's possible to find a woman attractive without being attracted to her.

LegacyUser

I think they can be friends but is that all you want and what does he want? I think it mainly comes down to trusting each other. If you don't trust someone not to hurt you in a way they did in the past, then you'll find it very difficult to have a good friendship in the future.

Your actions have consequences, just try to make them positive ones if you're having difficulty in deciding what to do...

LegacyUser

Good to know that so many men can just be friends with a woman. I hurt my friend but he also hurt me. I don't regret what happened between us but think it may have been huge factor in destroying our friendship which was very important to me. I have been through a lot and rather selfishly needed this person recently (as my friend nothing else) but I think I was just a f*buddy to him and although he once said he would be there for me always as a friend he no longer wants anything to do with me and I have to respect that and accept that I have lost somebody I care about mainly due to my immaturity.

LegacyUser

Yeah, but only if neither party is attracted to the other. People might claim otherwise but this is all a big load of nonsense that goes against human nature. If you're sexually attracted to someone, you might delude yourself and them into thinking you're their friend but attraction will make you do things a friend wouldn't. I have female friends but only if I'm not into them.

trio

To answer your question, yes - in certain situations where there is no, and has never been, any sexual attraction.

In your case? No. Not in any way shape or form. Frankly, you can't turn back time to when you once had a nice friendship. It is not a nice friendship any more, and once corrupted by a perceived betrayal, a friendship is never the same again.

Also, you have acknowledged you have less than healthy attitudes towards men. You are still hankering after a man who has left your life - maybe not romantically, but a longing is a longing - instead of moving on.

LighterGuy

Can a man and women be friends? sure.

Majority of the time tho if two people are friends you will find out that one party, or both, at one stage fancied each other. In some cases, they may have even briefly dated.

Usually attraction (weather one party or both) is what starts the enitial friendship. Just that nothing delveoped. So they remain friends.

LegacyUser

Did you tell your friend that you needed him recently and why? He may not know what's going on in your life and if he meant what he said, he would genuinely want to be there for you.

It's possible he's staying away as he feels more than you think he does and it's hard for him to understand why you did what you did.

Elessar

No, in my experience men and women cannot be very close friends. Someone will develop feelings. Almost always.

They can be acquaintances however.

Sebastien De Valmont

No.

You don't play with your food. You eat it.

Unless they are blood relatives all women are exclusively for sex.

Nevyn

Sebastien De Valmont banned for 1 month

JimmyCrackCorn

Most of my close friends are women.
I'm not gay or any other stereo type.

Micahelxcx

I would say yes men and women can be good friends - provided they don't fancy each other.
Some of my closest friends are women, simply because they are far more mature than men and I can have decent conversations with them and trust them far more than men.
Guys cannot talk about personal issues, so the extent of their conversations is sport, nice looking women and their jobs.
I do remember one women telling a guy that she didn't want to be his friend as she had enough friends and never got to see them. How stupid!!
The more 'genuine' frends we all have the better.

Dravokivich

I don't think gender is an issue when it comes to making friends with someone.

End of the day for me it really goes down to things like common interests, Humour or even just being comfortable with each other.

Doesn't generally mean that I'd end up wanting to go out with them and is usually no where near the agenda when I get to know people.

AngryBadger

Just to play devils advocate;

While I agree that men and women can be just friends, as others have pointed out this is generally dependent on neither side wanting to "bump uglies" (thanks Wibbs );

I think the reason most m/f friendships cross the line into casual territory is a misunderstanding between the two over where our emotional needs lie. More specifically I've known many women over the years who could get complete emotional support from male friends without any sexual element to that friendship.

Unfortunately for a lot of guys our emotional well-being is tied to our sex lives, mostly because we have great difficulty articulating our feelings, (I mean let's be fair here, males don't tend to be encouraged to talk about their feelings growing up so we're cultured not to talk about them at all as we grow).

Hence when things slip over the line into the f/b system it gets messy because you now have two people moving in almost completely polar directions in an attempt to balance "conflicting" emotional needs.

.....in my head that made a lot more sense, but there's a nugget of truth in there for anyone who wants to look

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for further feedback. I would like to say to Trio that I do not “have less than healthy attitudes towards men”. I have tried to be honest to get some constructive criticism if I did I wouldn’t care about a friendship and I would have had an affair with a married man which is something I will never do. Like everyone else I have been hurt and caused someone pain as well, no one is perfect but I have always tried to make up for anything stupid and hurtful I have said or done. It is wonderful to see the responses that men and women can just be friends and this is something I will always keep in mind in the future. To answer Elbow_Musings question yes my friend does know why I needed him recently but I understand now that I shouldn’t have contacted him because I hurt him and it was a selfish thing to do, I don’t think he feels anything for me. Like everything in life what happened is something I have to learn from.