Attachment Parenting

Klingon Hamlet

Hello fellow Boardsies / parents

Have any of you heard of Attachment Parenting? It goes by several other names like instinctive parenting, intuitive parenting, or "continuum concept" parenting.

It seems to have some positives, and many negatives.

Main Positive: it encourages closeness with the mum and dad
Main negative: Co-sleeping

There's some interesting facts here.

The Constant Contact, and the association with Home School, screams of an insular scenario where the child is near-smothered by their parents, and they're cut off from important social situations with other children.

Has anyone tried it? Or have any experience/knowledge/opinions to share on this? Thanks in advance.

Das Kitty

Co sleeping is a negative?

Lots of parents practice co-sleeping and find it wonderful. The current sleeping guidelines have less to do with SIDS and more to do with ass-covering if you ask me. Co-sleeping done in a planned manner where there are no sleep problems with parents who don't smoke and have not been drinking etc, is perfectly safe.

I've read a book by Dr. Sears, whilst a lot of the practices don't suit my family I can see how they can be beneficial. Babywearing for example, we really wanted to do this but James didn't like the sling and found it easier to sleep in his cot anyway. What I like about the notion is that it's in line with parental instincts to have your child close to you. There are no strict rules per se just whatever works for your family.

Klingon Hamlet

A child should be welcomed into bed by their parents if the child wishes it, but instigating it makes it all the more difficult for the child to become more comfortable with sleeping alone. It encourages in the child a deeper form of dependence on the parents than would normally apply to the average child, and only serves to increase their level of anxiety when they eventually sleep in their own bed.

Ickle Magoo

And you say that with what authority?

Klingon Hamlet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

And you say that with what authority?

Check the top...I said IMHO:rolleyes:

Ickle Magoo

Uh huh :rolleyes:

- and why is that your opinion? On what authority do you proclaim that it only serves to increase anxiety levels or children are near smothered by their parents? I presume you have some first hand experience and you aren't making such claims based on reading Wiki?

Klingon Hamlet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Uh huh :rolleyes:

- and why is that your opinion? On what authority do you proclaim that it only serves to increase anxiety levels or children are near smothered by their parents? I presume you have some first hand experience and you aren't making such claims based on reading Wiki?

I've two friends, one who encouraged this behaviour, and the other who allowed the child into bed only when the child wanted to.

Guess which one is having a nightmare getting their 4 year old to sleep on their own?:eek:

I know a family that went by the NFL way of rearing (which includes Attachment Parenting). They have few friends and no interests outside of what their parents taught them. They don't seem happy or sad, just placid.

I work with families, and I also have a child of my own.

I wanted to open up a friendly discussion. Forgive me if my opinions offended you. But don't jump down my throat either.

Das Kitty

Every child and every family is different, with the examples you have given there is no way of knowing that the family who didn't encourage the child into their bed would have found it difficult if they had, or that that other family wouldn't be having an even worse time of it if they had done it differently.

The main aspect of attachment parenting (and the only one that Dr. Sears puts down as a requirement) is lots of TLC, hugs and kisses and openness. It's about making the child feel secure in the world.

Ickle Magoo

I'm not offended & I wasn't jumping down your throat. I can't stand it when people write off particular parenting styles based solely on the fact it wouldn't suit them. Your opening post is clearly very biased and uses reams of emotive and negative language - that's hardly basis for friendly discussion from anyone other than those that agree with you, is it?

It's certainly a bit full on for me but I know a few people who use AP, there are even entire forums dedicated to it, most have pretty normal kids from what I can see. I also know a few miserable kids with a host of sleep issues whose parents know nothing about AP - I don't think there is necessarily any direct correlation between AP and behaviour issues.

For the record, I think parenting choices should reflect what works best for those parents kids and shouldn't follow letter for letter any coined "technique". We co-slept with one, used slings, cloth nappies, all that jazz...because that's what worked for us.

Klingon Hamlet

Das Kitty wrote: »

The main aspect of attachment parenting (and the only one that Dr. Sears puts down as a requirement) is lots of TLC, hugs and kisses and openness. It's about making the child feel secure in the world.

Rules I live by. My little fella gets hugged and kissed til he giggles like crazy. But I don't smother him. I don't carry him around as if he'll break if he's left to his devices. And going by several families I've met, I've seen first-hand that this constant-contact method can be detrimental to a child's development as an individual.

I believe these particular examples may have used the method too far along the lines. Perhaps if someone were to introduce a modern method that encourages both family bonds, and inner confidence amongst peer groups, then I could openly advocate it. But going by what I've seen and experienced, I can honestly say the attachment parenting/continuum method veers too close to an insular, over-protective system.

Again, all IMHO. Open discussion. I'd love to know how parents who have tried/seen this in action have to say.

ebmma

what age child are you talking about?
it's normal for a baby and small child to want to be close to their parent. they are by their very nature dependent. They 'expect' to be close to their mother, hear her heartbeat, feed whenever they are hungry. I know we are living in 21st century but babies are not aware of that when they are born and some adjust quicker than others.

anyway, I'd consider myself following 'attachment parenting' loosely - I wear my son in a sling, he co-sleeps with us as needed, breastfeeds on demand and I try to be evailable and respond to his needs. Sears' book Kitty mentioned is very good - very live and let live I thought.
with regards to co-sleepeing - I am not the biggest fan of it(prefer co-sleeping just with my husband) but we co-sleep as needed. My little guy stopped sleeping in his cot for several weeks - he would just cry and not settle s he was in bed with us for a while. Turned out he had mild reflux problem - once that got sorted he was happy to sleep in his cot during the night. We still take him in in the mornings sometimes because we get xtra hour or 2 of sleep. He also was in bed with us when I was too ill to feed upright.
on the other hand, my SIL co-sleeps all the time - it is her choice because it's her last baby and she wants to savour all the stages one last time.
So it's whatever works. Noone co-sleeps with their parents in college

I found babywearing great because he wanted to be held most of the time and it kept me sane - less screaming, happier me. Also it is great if you don't drive - no bulky prams on the bus, happier quiter baby becuse he is with you. Went to a tiny sushi place today and there's no way we could have one if he was in a pram - just no space! With a sling it was easy.

I tried to stretch his feeds out a bit and it didn't seem to work. Once I decided to relax, go with the flow and just attend to baby's needs (essentially the main thing about attachement parenting) and feed whenever he turned into a much mellower baby pretty much straight away.

What I'm trying to say is that it worked for me. I am not into routines and baby should's it just doesn't suit me at the moment. I dn't believe you can spoil a tiy baby when all he wants is to be comfortable and learn about this strange new world. He's doing really well and he picked his bedtime a few weeks ago so he sleeps from around 10pm till around 4-6am which I find great. If I don't need to be anywhere in the morning I can stay in bed till 10am if I take him into bed. I feel like a new woman with all this sleep
It is also lovely to see his independence slowly developing - he can play by himself a bit now which seemed impossible earlier. I'm glad he's doing thing at his own pace instead of me pushing a little baby into independence he's not ready for. It is time to be more dependent now and then slowly acquiring independence while knowing that there are people you can trust to be there for you. That's attachement parenting in my opinion

Saing that, if my next baby will be happy always sleeping in his cot and not happy in a sling - he can do that. It's my job to listen and see that his needs are met even if it is in a different way.

sorry for a ramble :-P

smelltheglove

I completely agree with KH''s statement.

Who needs an authority to state their opinion?

My reason for agreeing with this is personal experience, my first child I was a single mother and living at home when she was born, I was very nervous with her even in the cot beside me and would regularily take her into bed with me. Then moving into our first home even though she had a lovely room for herself 95% of the time she still shared a bed with me. When I met my now husband and he moved in when my daughter was 2 it took over a year to get her used to sleeping in her bed. It was a hard hard struggle and there was a huge dependance for her, she couldnt sleep unless I was in the room with her.

Fast forward to the second child, she was in her cot unless she wanted to be in bed with us and now at 3 if she wants to get in beside us she is allowe dbut usually as she starts to fall asleep she asks to go back to her own bed. So my personal experience would say that considering the 2 different ways of sleeping enviroments the first co sleeping one had quite a negative affect and caused my eldest to be highly dependant on me at sleep time, the second child had none of these issues and always sleeps through the night without the need to come to me at all.

Ickle Magoo

smelltheglove wrote: »

Who needs an authority to state their opinion?

No-one requires authority to state an opinion - but it's something else to start throwing around accusations regarding introducing anxieties or cutting off children from social situations. Things like co-sleeping are not actually that uncommon and work out grand for most - the sweeping generalisations are more of a flame than a discussion opener.

smelltheglove

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

No-one requires authority to state an opinion - but it's something else to start throwing around accusations regarding introducing anxieties or cutting off children from social situations. Things like co-sleeping are not actually that uncommon and work out grand for most - the sweeping generalisations are more of a flame than a discussion opener.

I dont get that explanation though, I mean the post was headlined IMHO, which to me would mean that this person is the view of such and such, having a view does not require any back up, most documentation you will find on the internet will be just one persons view, any book you read is the view of the author, everyone has different opinions and should not be required to back those opinions up, if we all agreed life would be boring.

Ickle Magoo

smelltheglove wrote: »

I dont get that explanation though, I mean the post was headlined IMHO, which to me would mean that this person is the view of such and such, having a view does not require any back up, most documentation you will find on the internet will be just one persons view, any book you read is the view of the author, everyone has different opinions and should not be required to back those opinions up, if we all agreed life would be boring.

I've never heard of a discussion where random statements, especially ones likely to offend or annoy others, are not required to have something a little more concrete to back them up than the OP just fancying throwing it out there...it's not a blog, afterall.

silja

Funny, I have always seen homeschooling as a more conservative Christian thing! If we are still in the USA when the kids are of school age, and are financially able, I'd consider homeschooling, but not un-schooling. But in Ireland, I'd send them to school as the schools are better, plus there is less support for homeschooling in Ireland.

We do some attachment parenting stuff, including co-sleeping, but we do not have a family bed- ie once baby becomes toddler, it gets its own bed. With our first (twins, actually) this was partially dictated by living in a one bedroom flat when they were little, and also by me having a c-section; co-sleeping made it much easier to feed them and care for them after this major surgery. They moved to their own cribs when we bought our house, at 8 months, and into their own rooms at 14 months. With the new baby, I plan to move her to her own crib in our room once she sleeps through (6+ hours), andto her own room somewhere around one year old.

We also practise babywearing, though not generally at home, just out and about. There are major advantages to baby's development with this, plus with the twins, it was easier than manovering a double buggy. We found it so practical, we didn't even get a baby buggy for this baby, though I will probably get a toddler one later, as we now live in a hot climate and I don't fancy carrying a 1.5 year old next summer!

We don't do babyled weaning, ie we do feed rice cereal, then mushed veggies etc with a spoon, so we are not AP there. I also don't agree with some of the older-child aspects of it, I tend to be stricter/ more disciplinarian (and the husband even more so), but we haven't reached those stages yet.

Anyways... do you have any specific questions about AP?

Cat Melodeon

We also dip in and out of AP. I've found it works very well with our son. We co-sleep when he wants to (he's nearly 11 months), use a sling, breastfeed on demand, have done baby-led weaning and don't follow a rigid routine. That said, he has fallen in to his own routine now, sleeps most of the night in his cot, comes in for early morning cuddles & sleep when hubbie's 6am alarm goes off, sleeps with us when he's having trouble teething, naps at the same time every day. He found that rhythm himself and is very predictable now. He has also never made strange, is extremely confident good-humoured and certainly isn't a mummy's boy or clingy, quite the opposite in fact, he's a very independent and adventurous little lad.

I haven't read much about AP beyond the first year and doubt I will be following any kind of 'style' other than extending what seems to be working for us. I imagine I'll be offering more traditional discipline than AP promotes - we have many dogs and I'm used to giving commands - and I don't think young children can be reasoned with, they need clear signals for what they can and can't do. AP is a bit fluffy in that department (in my opinion, no slur on anyone for whom it works).

Mothman

I suppose we would tick a lot of an AP manual if we ever read it. Mainly followed instinct and doing what feels right. What feels right, isn't that what most parents do? Though this differs hugely from family to family.

Slinged, no nappies, child led weaning, we have huge family bed List goes on. There are no negatives in our parenting choice, they are right for us.

deisemum

When my lads were babies there wasn't any talk of AP, baby wearing, tummy time which I heard about for the first time this year plus a few other phrases as well.

I just went by instinct and since then I've read up on the parenting style titles that some people get fixated on I see I did bits out of most of them.

From my own personal experience the baby that co-slept for longer is the one that was a nightmare to get to sleep at night plus if I was younger and had another baby the one thing that I'd do differently is not breastfeed for as long. The night I stopped breastfeeding my second lad at 15 months was the first night he slept longer than 1 - 2 hours.

eviltwin

With my first child I suppose I did practice AP of sorts but not through choice. I was still living at home when she was born and due to lack of space and money for the first three years of her life we shared a bed. Never again!!!! When I finally did move into my house and she was put in her own room it took a good year at least before she spent a full night in her own bed.

My youngest was in his own room from birth, he wears nappies, has only been in a sling once and was weaned when I felt it was right. I don't know how people can do it.

I saw a show on this on the Biography channel, it was called Extreme Parenting and followed a group of AP followers. There was one US couple with a child of about 4/5 who seemed to be glued to the mother 24/7. I felt so sorry for all of them. They were so close almost to the exclusion of anyone else and I wonder if it was doing the parents marriage much good.

I think each to his own, if it floats your boat then go for it but my generation were raised in the usual way and we all turned out okay and that's good enough for me.

Mothman

eviltwin wrote: »

I saw a show on this on the Biography channel, it was called Extreme Parenting and followed a group of AP followers. There was one US couple with a child of about 4/5 who seemed to be glued to the mother 24/7.

If my family was subject to being filmed, my kids would also be glued to their mother
Thankfully with no television we don't see stuff like this.

eviltwin

Have a look on YouTube. It really made for interesting viewing.

It was actually the mother who seemed to want to hang onto the child rather than the other way around. The lasting impression was that the mother was stiffling the child's independance.

littlebug

I don't know that AP or not would have any impact on development of independence or otherwise. We just went with the flow with our two. If anything we had a more AP style with the eldest but that was because that's what she wanted and needed. The youngest was always more independent and liked his own space. The eldest is the shyer and least confident of the two but I think those traits were there from the day they were born and it has little to do with sleeping arrangements etc. In fact my daughter is very much how I was at her age and I doubt there was anything resembling attachment parenting in my upbringing.

Mothman

eviltwin wrote: »

It was actually the mother who seemed to want to hang onto the child rather than the other way around. The lasting impression was that the mother was stiffling the child's independance.

I've never read an attachment parenting manual and can't comment on whether this part of AP.
We have never pushed the kids away from us. My eldest daughter was clingy until she was about 6.(2 years ago) At this time she weaned (from nursing once a day in morning) then when her milk teeth started coming out (she had decided this a year earlier) Since then there has been a huge transformation. Very independent and confident. Sleeps outside with the animals and disappears for hours on end. We're on a farm. She is shy with strangers, but far less than I was at her age.

We have stuck with our choices of parenting despite much negative feedback from wider family and so far I'm happy with the "proof of the pudding"

littlebug

Wow that's pretty extended breastfeeding there Mothman. That's quite unusual but clearly has worked well for your family. Do you homeschool?
The idea of your little one wandering off round the farm made me smile:). I remember sneakily following the cats around (for hours!)without them seeing me just to see what they got up to ! No one really knew exactly where I was or what I was doing but I was always somewhere on the farm just generally pottering around.

I would say my own daughter was very clingy until the same age and I have always wondered if it was because she was premature and thus away from me for the first 3 weeks of her life. Maybe... maybe not. Again that would have nothing to do with parenting style.

Every family has their own dynamic and what works for one...etc etc. Even those closest to us who I would see as being most similar to us in terms of outlook and values sometimes make me :eek: at some of thing things they say or do with their children and likewise they probably don't agree with some things we do. That doesn't make any of us right or wrong. At the end of the day a child will develop with confidence given time, love, encouragement (and boundaries) and good communication. For the most part where they sleep , how they are fed, what nappies they wear, what routine they follow won't make a blind bit of difference as long as it is done with all of the above (IMO).

Mothman

Every family has their own dynamic and what works for one...etc etc. Even those closest to us who I would see as being most similar to us in terms of outlook and values sometimes make me :eek: at some of thing things they say or do with their children and likewise they probably don't agree with some things we do. That doesn't make any of us right or wrong. At the end of the day a child will develop with confidence given time, love, encouragement (and boundaries) and good communication. For the most part where they sleep , how they are fed, what nappies they wear, what routine they follow won't make a blind bit of difference as long as it is done with all of the above (IMO).

Couldn't have summed up my opinion any better

littlebug wrote: »

Wow that's pretty extended breastfeeding there Mothman. That's quite unusual but clearly has worked well for your family. Do you homeschool?

I suppose we're heading off an a tangent here, but I'll answer.
Yes we home educate following what is often described as unschooling.

Probably the main influence for my self and partner were our travels. Herself India, myself Africa. We both spent a lot of time in rural areas and parenting there seemed so natural and easy.

MojoMaker

The kids however don't live in India or Africa. They will be derided at very sensitive ages for this direction you have taken. Just as long as you understand this.

Mothman

MojoMaker wrote: »

The kids however don't live in India or Africa. They will be derided at very sensitive ages for this direction you have taken. Just as long as you understand this.

By who and why?