Who to appoint his guardian...?

LegacyUser

Mods, I don't want to put this in parenting if that's ok - I'm sure there are a load of parents on PI who can help me figure this out.
I'm a single mam with one child. My own parents are deceased, I have one sister who lives in austraila with no kids and my son has met her once. My son's dad is not involved in his life. My son is now 9 and for the past 9yrs I have been stressed about who I could appoint as his legal guardian should anything happen to me. It will have to be one of my friends, as I only have a few aunts/uncles who are all elderly.

I have briefly touched on this subject with some pals, and to be honest, its something I havent been able to deal with in the past years. Its like its SO big for me, that I just can't do it.
so I have two wonderful friends, both of whom have said they'd take him on, no problem. However, one of them has two of the horrible-st children in the world. They are very badly behaved, they treat their mam and dad desperately and to be honest, as much as I love their mum, I try to keep my son away from the kids as much as I can. I don't want my son growing up around them (they're 8 and 6) as he might end up like them.
My other close friend has 2yr old twins, is pregnant again and still suffering with post natal from the twins.
So for obvious reasons, I don't really want to ask either of them to do this for me now.
However, I feel that I'm strong enough to actually go to a solicitor now and appoint someone, just to ease my own mind.
How do others figure this one out? I know that legal guardians are mainly family in most cases which is something I can't do.
I've had sleepless nights over this. I own my own home so theres also my will to consider. I've been struggling to raise my son alone for years and things are finally getting easier but this is the one thing that I havent been able to deal with.
And please, don't tell me how irresponsibile Ive been by not doing this already - like I said I honestly don't know who to ask and who to appoint.....any ideas?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I understand your predicament, being without family to help you out if something happens. Are you ill or anything to say that something may happen to you in the near future?
If not, try not to loose any sleep over it.
Its nice to know that your son will be looked after god forbid something happens to you.
So maybe asking a really good friend may be an idea just in case.

My OH hadn't seen his son in a few years and barely knew him. He tried to see him for about 6 years through the courts etc etc, but the ex wouldn't allow it. He got guardianship alright but it wasn't worth the paper it was written on. Eventually he gave up. 12 months later the childs mother died unexpetedly. He was contacted by the boys aunt( his mothers sister) to say my OH would have to come and tell the child what happened. He thought he would do the right thing and take him in if thats what the child wanted. The poor boy was a complete stranger to him.

Anyway to cut a long story short, things didn't work out there was no bond etc etc.(don't want to go into too much detail). His aunt said she would take him in as she knew him better, after a week that didn't work either and the other aunt said she would do it. Eventually social services got involved, there was a lot more going on than my OH knew about. Now he is in foster care and very happy.

My point is (eventually!), you are better off asking someone to become his guardian, making sure they know the implications of it and having it all in writing, so the same ordeal doesn't happen to your son in the unlikely event something happens to you.

Sorry about the long waffle there but put your mind at ease and ask someone you trust and more importantly someone your son likes.
Best of luck with it

LegacyUser

God thats such a sad story for that child. My childs dad has no interest in him, I've brought him to court for maintenance and I have a solicitors letter from him, saying he isn't now, and will never have an interest in his son, so thats a no brainer as far as Im concerned.

I agree that I need to point a guardian, but that was the reason I posted. I can't figure out who to appoint, or to be honest, how to even approach it with these two friends.

Ideally, I would like my friend with the twins to raise him but like I said, she still has pnd and is also pregnant...I feel that if she raised him, he'd have a good education, go to college etc..
My other friend, who I love dearly, is also great, but her two kids are so badly behaved in school, in social circles etc - I really dont want that environment for my son.
And no, Im not sick or ill thankfully. But this is something that has preyed on my mind for years...none of us knows whats around the corner and it's something I feel I need to do sooner rather than later...Like I said, it's something I havent felt strong enough to deal with until now...

axel rose

Ok, you have to accept that there is no perfect situation. You are planning for your sons future not what is happening with your friends at the moment. Who is the best person to love and care for your son. Who would use any money left to them to better the (new) family group?


It all boils down to unconditional love.

(As a widow with a toddler, I can well understand your dilemma, good luck op)

banie01

axel rose wrote: »

Ok, you have to accept that there is no perfect situation. You are planning for your sons future not what is happening with your friends at the moment. Who is the best person to love and care for your son. Who would use any money left to them to better the (new) family group?


It all boils down to unconditional love.

(As a widow with a toddler, I can well understand your dilemma, good luck op)

Axel Rose's advice is spot on.
As a widower with a young son myself, I know how hard the decision to appoint a guardian can be.
The best way to view it(In my case at least) is as an estate planning issue.

Aside from the fact that you are entrusting the day to day care of your child to this person by naming them as guardian, you are also making that person responsible for any inheritence that passes to your child on your death,i.e your home(assuming mortgage protection) and any assets or insurance policies....
Who is the best person to use those assets to ensure your childs best interests and needs are met?
Whilst all the while ensuring a happy stable home?

Ideally you would name the person you feel best suited and most importantly willing to extend their family to include your child.
In my own case even though I have a big family all of whom would be willing to raise my child in a heartbeat.....
I named my son's Godmother as guardian with her agreement of course with one of my Sisters as a trustee of my Estate in case of my death before my sons majority.

LegacyUser

I think my friend with the awful children would manage his 'inheritance' best (mortgage protection, yes and life insurance)
However, my friend with the younger children would give him a more loving environment......it's very difficult to figure this out.

My friend (with the older kids) also has a husband who she has discussed this with and while he isn't against it, he said he'd like to talk to her more about it before he signs anything (I'm not very fond of him if I'm honest)
My friend (with the younger kids) has a lovely husband who also said he'd take him in the blink of an eya...

The_Conductor

unregistered wrote: »

I think my friend with the awful children would manage his 'inheritance' best (mortgage protection, yes and life insurance)
However, my friend with the younger children would give him a more loving environment......it's very difficult to figure this out.

My friend (with the older kids) also has a husband who she has discussed this with and while he isn't against it, he said he'd like to talk to her more about it before he signs anything (I'm not very fond of him if I'm honest)
My friend (with the younger kids) has a lovely husband who also said he'd take him in the blink of an eya...

You don't need to look at who will 'manage' his inheritance best- this can be addressed by all means of trust funds with whatever stipulations you decide to attach to them. The executor of your will can organise the details if/when the time comes. First and foremost is who can provide a loving environment to your son where he can thrive and develop into the kind of person you hope he will. Ignore the other factors- you can always address them by other means.

axel rose

Trust funds have little legal protection in this country, but you can appoint one to handle and administer the estate and another to raise him.

quickbeam

Everything points to choosing the friend with the twins. Post Natal Depression doesn't last forever. She has the loving home and the nicer husband. Seems like a no brainer so long as she's willing. And remember there's only one in a million chance of her actually having to mind your son anyway.

LegacyUser

I agree about my friend with the twins - I just can't her at the minute...she's due any day and is having a pretty difficult pregnancy so I'd have to put it off for a while should I choose her...when I said my first friend would handle his inheritance the best, I meant she's very good with money - would ensure he went to college etc
It's someting I've put off for so long and I'm often reduced to tears because I just can't figure it out...

Sleepy

I'd go for the pregnant friend, it definitely sounds the better environment for a child. Why not entrust one of your older relatives with that intention so that if in the very unlikely event that something happens before you' been able to formally ask, your intentions will be known?

LegacyUser

that s a very good idea - I hadnt thought of actually speaking to my aunt or uncle about this, just to let them know my intentions before I go ahead and do anything..thanks for that.