MY FIRST WRITE-UP .... (amateur writing though)

zeenie

One never knows the true value of what he has until he loses it



The saying "one never knows the true value of what he has until he loses it" is truly true. Then, I used to think it only refers to some stuff we don't appreciate but really, when we lose something or someone we appreciate, we feel like we did not appreciate them well enough and we wish we could turn back the hands of time to make amends but the bitter truth is 'backwards never' is one of the laws life abides by.



The moment she found that her mum was involved in an accident, Abike wasn't surprised because she saw it coming, but when she was told the kind of accident, the feeling 'hope' was like something she never heard of. By then, she was praying so hard for a miracle, that her mum should survive this one. She started promising God to make up for all that she lacked and to love her more if only he would save her.



One thing I’ve learnt is that if there's no problem, we won't realize a lot of things becaus we'll be so tied up in life's paparazzi. A thief will not realize his mistakes until he gets caught: That's when he'll have a re-think.



Abike didn't have a good relationship with her mom during her childhood days, it was like they both were from different worlds. They just didn't get along no matter how much they tried to, until some months before this incident when they began tolerating themselves.


The next day, Abike was informed about the death of her mother and the only thing he could do was wish she had loved her more, appreciated all her efforts and concern. She couldn't bear the thoughts of not having her mom present on her graduation day and wedding day.


Unfortunately, Abike accepted that OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA. (life goes on)



Who’d ever think Abike was my second name? Would you have thought that?

EileenG

zeenie wrote: »

One never knows the true value of what he has until he loses it

The phrase is "You don't know what you have till it's gone."

The saying "one never knows the true value of what he has until he loses it" is truly true. Just say true, don't repeat yourself. Then, I used to think it only refers to some stuff we don't appreciate but really, when we lose something or someone we appreciate, we feel like we did not appreciate them well enough and we wish we could turn back the hands of time to make amends but the bitter truth is 'backwards never' is one of the laws life abides by. I challenge you to read this sentence out loud in one breath.



The moment she found that her mum was involved in an accident, Abike wasn't surprised because she saw it coming,How did she see it coming if it was an accident? but when she was told the kind of accident, the feeling 'hope' was like something she never heard of. Huh? By then, she was praying so hard for a miracle, that her mum should survive this one. She started promising God to make up for all that she lacked and to love her more if only he would save her.



One thing I’ve learnt learned is that if there's no problem, we won't realize a lot of things becaus because we'll be so tied up in life's paparazzi.What has paparazzi to do with anything? A thief will not realize his mistakes until he gets caught: That's when he'll have a re-think. What does a thief have to do with an accident?



Abike didn't have a good relationship with her mom during her childhood days, it was like they both were from different worlds. They just didn't get along no matter how much they tried to, until some months before this incident when they began tolerating themselves.each other


The next day, Abike was informed about the death of her mother and the only thing he she could do was wish she had loved her more, appreciated all her efforts and concern. She couldn't bear the thoughts of not having her mom present on her graduation day and wedding day.


Unfortunately, Abike accepted that OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA. (life goes on) why is this unfortunate? And what does Beatles lyrics have to do with it?



Who’d ever think Abike was my second name? Would you have thought that? er, yes?

This is an example of not thinking it all the way through before you write. I assume that what you wanted to say was "Abike's mom died in a tragic accident which surprised everyone. Abike and her mom hadn't got along well, but now she really misses her and knows she will miss her in future."

If you had just said that, and kept the whole thing personal, it would have worked very well. Trying to include a ton of philosophy in it just undermined what you really wanted to day, and the twist at the end felt like a bad joke.

bellapip

Hey There,

I am kind of with Eileen on this. I have never posted critique here, but I do regularly on other forums, and I know only too well how sometimes it can be beneficial as well as seeming hurtful.
You have a potential, you achieved that the moment you thought about writing this piece.
The down part is that like Eileen said, you over wrote this piece. You had the reader not quite reeled in, more like persevering to reach the end.
Grammatical errors aside you could work and work and work this piece and run it in to a larger picture, but you have to want this piece to be important, and to me it did not feel important, it just felt wordy for the sake of being so.

A piece of personal advice would be to never throw out a word that you write, because for every five thousand words, you may just find one gem of sentence.

Remember to ALWAYS take critique in it's intended form, if people didn't want to help, they would not stop to offer advice.

Keep at it.

Bella

zeenie

Thanks Eileen. you've helped me realise my mistakes which i will work on. But like i said i'm not good at this, i'm just learning.

Thanks Bellapip for your advice

EileenG

I do sincerely want to help.

I think if you had written this piece starting "My mother was killed in an accident recently..." it would have been tremendously powerful. Keep it simple. Write about how it affected you. Mention the bad as well as the good, the tangle of emotions and the frustration that you will never get the chance to make things right with your mother.

It sounds like a contradiction, but in creative writing, it's important to write the truth. Death affects us, and if you make what is probably a turning point in your life into the punchline of a joke, then you are disrespecting your reader.

If you were writing to a friend, what would you have said?

bellapip

Zeenie,.

Just one further piece of advice... If the pilot on my aeroplane tells me he is not really good at this, I will not want to fly with him.

Stop telling people you are not good and concentrate on being the best you can be.



Bella

zeenie

bellapip wrote: »

Zeenie,.

Just one further piece of advice... If the pilot on my aeroplane tells me he is not really good at this, I will not want to fly with him.

Stop telling people you are not good and concentrate on being the best you can be.



Bella

thanks for that one too..

zeenie

EileenG wrote: »

I do sincerely want to help.

I think if you had written this piece starting "My mother was killed in an accident recently..." it would have been tremendously powerful. Keep it simple. Write about how it affected you. Mention the bad as well as the good, the tangle of emotions and the frustration that you will never get the chance to make things right with your mother.

It sounds like a contradiction, but in creative writing, it's important to write the truth. Death affects us, and if you make what is probably a turning point in your life into the punchline of a joke, then you are disrespecting your reader.

If you were writing to a friend, what would you have said?[/QUOTE


honestly i don't know what I would have said...

But i think i'll try and write it the way you suggested above and see if i can put my exact thoughts into words.
thanks.

EileenG

I'd like to read it when you do.

zeenie

EileenG wrote: »

I'd like to read it when you do.

ok. Thanks

iguana

I'm sorry if this seems rude but this reads as if English is not your first language? If it isn't perhaps you would be best to write in your native tongue.

Robbyn

I agree with Eileen, and would also love to read a refined version.

It has the potential to very powerful, if written correctly, the story itself is quite meaningful.

Not sure about the twist in the end though.

zeenie

Robbyn wrote: »

I agree with Eileen, and would also love to read a refined version.

It has the potential to very powerful, if written correctly, the story itself is quite meaningful.

Not sure about the twist in the end though.

Thanks Robbyn. I'm working on the refined version.