Dont want my friends seeing Girlfriend meeting with Male friend

LegacyUser

My girlfriend is friends with this guy. They occasionally meet up (just the two of them) to go out for drinks. I trust her and have no problem with this but last night I asked her not to go to a certain pub because I knew my friends would be there and to be honest I really dont think it looks appropirate. I just really dont want my friends thinking behind my back that my girlfriend is cheating on me or anything. I mean personally if I saw a friends girlfriend on her own with another guy for drinks I'd definitely be thinking something is going on. Am I being completely unreasonable?

gfds

gfds wrote: »

My girlfriend is friends with this guy. They occasionally meet up (just the two of them) to go out for drinks. I trust her and have no problem with this but last night I asked her not to go to a certain pub because I knew my friends would be there and to be honest I really dont think it looks appropirate. I just really dont want my friends thinking behind my back that my girlfriend is cheating on me or anything. I mean personally if I saw a friends girlfriend on her own with another guy for drinks I'd definitely be thinking something is going on. Am I being completely unreasonable?

Yes.
My first question is - are you joking.
Your girlfriend is entitled to hang around with and see anyone she wants. I'd have a problem if it was you saying it was inappropriate, but to care SO much about what your friends MIGHT think - seriously.
Your friends aren't in a relationship with her, it's none of their business. And if they DO say something you tell them that in the 21st century women are allowed to have male friends...

Miss Fluff

gfds wrote: »

I trust her and have no problem with this but last night I asked her not to go to a certain pub because I knew my friends would be there and to be honest I really dont think it looks appropirate.

Sounds to me like you do have a problem with it tbh.....

Taltos

OP - you do realise what you have done here...

a) Put a seedy slant on a good friendship - wonder if it might cause your gf and her friend to have some thoughts...
b) Tells your gf that you value your mates views more than anything - including her
c) Shows you up in a very bad light

Talk about creating a problem where there was none.

mood

Yes you are being unreasonable.

seamus

gfds wrote: »

Am I being completely unreasonable?

Yep.

Ickle Magoo

So you just told your girlfriend your pals think she's the type to cheat on you & her meeting her friend looks dodgy? Nicely done OP, how did she take it?

If you were really being so reasonable, do you think you'd feel the need to post and ask?

Beruthiel

gfds wrote: »

last night I asked her not to go to a certain pub because I knew my friends would be there

Did you get an earful?
Because if anyone thought that they had a right to tell me who I could spend time with, or where I could meet them, then that person would be left in no uncertain terms with regards to what I thought of them.

Clearly you have self esteem and confidence issues. I suggest you work on them before you ruin this relationship.

to be honest I really dont think it looks appropirate.

This isn't the 1800's.

I just really dont want my friends thinking behind my back that my girlfriend is cheating on me or anything.

Why don't you tell your friends to mind their own business?

I mean personally if I saw a friends girlfriend on her own with another guy for drinks I'd definitely be thinking something is going on.

That says more about you than it does about them.

Am I being completely unreasonable?

Totally.

LegacyUser

It's just my friends are constantly looking for every opportunity to put me down and i know they'd use this to spread malicious rumours and everything and if it could be avoided i want it to.

Taltos your comment about me having put a seedy slant and now they might have thoughts has really scared me, im really upset now, i just want to down a bottle of wine and go to bed for the rest of the day, do u really think thats going to happen?

im going to lose my girlfriend and my friends are going to think im pathetic and getting cheated on (and maybe now they will because i put seedy slant), great day

Ickle Magoo

Why do you surround yourself with people who are constantly looking for every opportunity to put you down and would use this to spread malicious rumours about you? And you call them friends?

Get some new friends and apologise to your girlfriend who is the innocent party here, would be my advice.

Best of luck.

Beruthiel

gfds wrote: »

It's just my friends are constantly looking for every opportunity to put me down

You call these people friends?
Sorry gfds, people don't treat their friends like that. You might want to think about finding some new ones.
What age are these people, 14?

im going to lose my girlfriend

Not if you apologise to her and explain that it won't happen again.

/edit
Pax, Ickle Magoo!

AnonoBoy

You're not going to lose your girlfriend.

If she's out somewhere with her friend and she sees your friends surely she's going to say hi and introduce the guy she's with? She'd hardly do that if she was cheating on you with him.

Next time you see your friends after that say 'ah X said she saw you lads out in the pub' or whatever.

If they try and and slag you saying she's carrying on with yer man just counter with something like "Listen lads I know ye can't let your girlfriends out of your sight for a second cause you're **** scared she'll run off on ye but my girfriend comes home to me. Why go out for burger when you got steak at home?" and laugh.

For god's sake man stand up for yourself and slag the sh*t out of them, that's what friends are for!

LegacyUser

I think the damage is done. I txted sorry this morning and no reply. I think I'll break up with her, I love her so much and this kills me because she means everything to me but she doesnt deserve this. truly being in love with someone means you'll make sure they're happy even if it kills you to do it. last night she said i was controlling that by saying i didnt want her to go to my friends pub i was trying to make her feel guilty about meeting her friend because i didnt want her to. that really wasnt it i just dont want to be laughed at by my friends. but if she really feels that way then she cant be happy with me and i must be controlling in other ways and maybe i should be a man and set her free to be happy. my mom always says my dad is controlling and i never wanted to be like him but obviously i am. i am tears writting this but i dont think i should be in relationship with such a great girl. its selfish of me.

dublingal80

if you trust your girlfriend whats the issue?
So what if your friends think that... if they say it to ya just be honest and say that you knew, they are friends, no biggie

Why do you think you are going to lose your girlfrien?

Why are you friends with people who are looking to put you down?

gfds

gfds wrote: »

I think the damage is done. I txted sorry this morning and no reply. I think I'll break up with her, I love her so much and this kills me because she means everything to me but she doesnt deserve this. truly being in love with someone means you'll make sure they're happy even if it kills you to do it. last night she said i was controlling that by saying i didnt want her to go to my friends pub i was trying to make her feel guilty about meeting her friend because i didnt want her to. that really wasnt it i just dont want to be laughed at by my friends. but if she really feels that way then she cant be happy with me and i must be controlling in other ways and maybe i should be a man and set her free to be happy. my mom always says my dad is controlling and i never wanted to be like him but obviously i am. i am tears writting this but i dont think i should be in relationship with such a great girl. its selfish of me.

Being in a relationship with someone you love doesn't mean running at the first sign of trouble. If you can work this out and learn from it and move on together as a couple you'll be better off.
It's good to acknowledge it was you with the problem, so why not do something more constructive about it like saying you won't be controlling in future and ask for a poke if she feels you are?

dublingal80

why run away? If you love her why just give up at the first sign of it not being perfect?

If you love her as much as you say, you would do anything to be with her, you would want to talk to her about everything and you would want to change your "controlling" behaviour.

I dont understand why people run at the first sign of things not being "perfect"

Oryx

gfds wrote: »

I think the damage is done. I txted sorry this morning and no reply. I think I'll break up with her, I love her so much and this kills me because she means everything to me but she doesnt deserve this. truly being in love with someone means you'll make sure they're happy even if it kills you to do it. last night she said i was controlling that by saying i didnt want her to go to my friends pub i was trying to make her feel guilty about meeting her friend because i didnt want her to. that really wasnt it i just dont want to be laughed at by my friends. but if she really feels that way then she cant be happy with me and i must be controlling in other ways and maybe i should be a man and set her free to be happy. my mom always says my dad is controlling and i never wanted to be like him but obviously i am. i am tears writting this but i dont think i should be in relationship with such a great girl. its selfish of me.

Oh, for goodness sake. You guys are having a row. Being the bigger man doesnt mean dumping her, it means sorting it out.

Talk to her. This isnt the end of the world, and you are not your father.

mood

dublingal80 wrote: »

why run away? If you love her why just give up at the first sign of it not being perfect?

If you love her as much as you say, you would do anything to be with her, you would want to talk to her about everything and you would want to change your "controlling" behaviour.

I dont understand why people run at the first sign of things not being "perfect"

OP don't break up with her over this. Either try to change you "controlling" behaviour or perhaps get counselling to help. You can't let this ruin this relationship or any future relationships.

Also, either your friends are just slagging harmlessly and you are taking it too personally or you need to make new friends.

Good luck.

Ickle Magoo

gfds wrote: »

I think the damage is done. I txted sorry this morning and no reply. I think I'll break up with her, I love her so much and this kills me because she means everything to me but she doesnt deserve this. truly being in love with someone means you'll make sure they're happy even if it kills you to do it. last night she said i was controlling that by saying i didnt want her to go to my friends pub i was trying to make her feel guilty about meeting her friend because i didnt want her to. that really wasnt it i just dont want to be laughed at by my friends. but if she really feels that way then she cant be happy with me and i must be controlling in other ways and maybe i should be a man and set her free to be happy. my mom always says my dad is controlling and i never wanted to be like him but obviously i am. i am tears writting this but i dont think i should be in relationship with such a great girl. its selfish of me.

Sorry OP but that sounds like such a load of woe is me. You love her so much that you're going to dump her over being miffed that you're more concerned with what your pals say than how she feels? That's some crazy logic you got going there...

You have to have a good think about what means more to you, your pals ribbing you or your girlfriend knowing you trust her and she is more important than your pals ribbing you. Forget "setting her free" or whatever - you need to get your priorities straight and then tell her how you feel and show that you've had a wee think about what you said and why. Leave her to cool down and write a letter if she won't answer the phone or meet you in person. This isn't the end of the world, your girlfriend is more than likely just underlining an important boundary.

AnonoBoy

Here's what you need to say (and mean)

"I'm sorry. I was being an ass. I don't want to control you, it was just me being silly about my friends. I promise I wouldn't do it again. Now how about I make you dinner and we open a bottle of wine?"


Don't feel sorry for yourself and don't break up with her because you had one moment of insecurity. Sheesh!

Taltos

OP.

sorry harsh hat on again. - but cop the f on to yourself.

You had a fight - you said some unappropriate things. You are not the first bloke to put his 2 size nines in his gob.
Does is reflect badly on you - yes a little.

BUT - here is where you turn it around.
Face your inappropriate comments head on - accept that you are in the wrong - really accept it.
Also accept that either these mates are NOT real friends or that maybe you are prone to reading too much into things and have a thin skin.

GO around and apologise in person.
Texting, emails, voicemails, facebook - all useless - do it in person so she can see that you really know how big you have cocked up here.

Don't ever ever do it again.
Do try to work on your self-esteem.
Trust your girlfriend - be honest with her - let her know that you were feeling insecure and yes being wound up by your "mates" was childish - but you were wrong and would like a 2nd chance.

Stop looking to what happened with your parents as an excuse - your father being a controlling prat does not make you one. Yes you may have picked up some of his traits - but you are your own man and you decide how to live your life. It might mean every day fighting that training - but NO-ONE else is responsible for you and your actions - not your father, your friends or your girlfriend.

Best of luck - and don't do anything rash like dump her - that is just so melodramatic - and is not suitable for an adult relationship.

LegacyUser

OP, it isn't the end of the world - yeah, what you said to her was out of order and ill-advised, but it's not like you cheated on her or assaulted her or some such. It also sounds like it had a lot more to do with insecurity on your part than maliciousness or attempts at control, not to put too fine a point on it.

IMO, you need to, in no particular order (well, first one first perhaps)
- talk to your girlfriend, let her know why you acted like you did and apologise, work it out with her.
- re-assess your "friends". Based on what you've written above, these people are not your friends, and you'd be best placed realising that and putting some distance on it. "It's just my friends are constantly looking for every opportunity to put me down" - I don't know what the hell kind of relationship that describes, but it isn't friendship.
- look at addressing what seem to be issues with insecurity and self-esteem on your part, which will first and foremost enable you to deal with yourself better, and your relationship with girlfriend or anyone else for that matter.

LegacyUser

gfds wrote: »

I just really dont want my friends thinking behind my back that my girlfriend is cheating on me or anything. I mean personally if I saw a friends girlfriend on her own with another guy for drinks I'd definitely be thinking something is going on.

You think it would be suspicious....maybe your friends wouldn't?

Although nice dose of karma going on there. You like to assume the worst for your friends if you see something slightly dodgy going on, so now you think they would do the same to you. If you kept your nose out of other people's business, you wouldn't have this dilemma!