Her family background bothers me

LegacyUser

I've recently started seeing this girl. I've known her a couple of months and I fell for her pretty much from the start. She's a really nice girl, we get on really well. It's only been a couple of weeks into it and we've been talking about our families. Thing is, her family sound like a total mess with big issues past and present and she has not spoken to some of them in a long long time. I don't blame her given the circumstances but it bothers me e.g. drugs and alcohol related issues. Seems, things were tough enough for her growing up. I know it's early days and I don't want to let her family's problems affect how I feel about her but it's all a bit alien to what I'm used to. My family are not perfect, God knows but we're all pretty unremarkable. From what I've been told, it seems she's the only "normal" one in her family. She has a good job, works hard, has a nice house, doesn't drink and seems quite a sensible, sensitive type who is quite embarrassed about her family and as she says, she didn't choose them! I'm inclined to give her a chance but I can't help having doubts already, even though it doesn't seem fair.

m@cc@

Shallow? wrote: »

it doesn't seem fair.

This is the only part of your post I agree with. If you have a 'perfect' family then good for you but you should give credit to her from dragging herself from the mess and becoming a normal person. If she has grown up with those problems and seen them at first hand, but rejected that lifestyle, it makes it more likely she'll avoid them kind of things in the future.

LegacyUser

Hey, I have to wonder, nothing embarrassing in your own past? no embarrassing family members? nothing you've ever done you wish you hadnt? etc etc etc... you get my point? everyone has some from of 'baggage' I actually think she's pretty brave to tell you straight out, she obviously want you to know her, good and bad, everything, surely thats better than you finding out all this stuff two years in?

Miss Fluff

She laid her cards on the table and I actually don't agree with the above poster and feel you deserve a hard time over it. You have been very honest and are airing a concern because you are faced with a situation that is quite simply alien to you.

Her family sound like reprobates tbh and she has been honest from the onset, a total "warts and all" approach". It's ok that you're asking yourself wtf if it's not a life that you have been exposed to before.

The fact is though this is not the tv show Shameless. You are not expected to bond with a Frank Gallgher type father-in-law through gritted teeth. Your OH has nothing to do with them either. So there is no expectation on you and they will not actually feature in your lives seeing as she is estranged from them. She has made that choice and if you love her/respect her enough then there is no question that you should too.

Dudess

Sorry to be so black and white, but if you really like her, her family/background shouldn't matter in the slightest. As you say, you fell for the person she is, this shouldn't change that.

KasandraRose

Shallow? wrote: »

I've recently started seeing this girl. I've known her a couple of months and I fell for her pretty much from the start. She's a really nice girl, we get on really well. It's only been a couple of weeks into it and we've been talking about our families. Thing is, her family sound like a total mess with big issues past and present and she has not spoken to some of them in a long long time. I don't blame her given the circumstances but it bothers me e.g. drugs and alcohol related issues. Seems, things were tough enough for her growing up. I know it's early days and I don't want to let her family's problems affect how I feel about her but it's all a bit alien to what I'm used to. My family are not perfect, God knows but we're all pretty unremarkable. From what I've been told, it seems she's the only "normal" one in her family. She has a good job, works hard, has a nice house, doesn't drink and seems quite a sensible, sensitive type who is quite embarrassed about her family and as she says, she didn't choose them! I'm inclined to give her a chance but I can't help having doubts already, even though it doesn't seem fair.

This sounds SO familiar to my sister's husband. My sister married a man who has the biggest animals as family (and that is putting it very nicely). He is the only one in their family that is a good person and who has made something of himself. He considers my parent's as his parents and his parents are only acquaintances in his eyes. It's exactly as she said, you can't pick your family. Sounds like she had a decision to be like her family or to pave her own road and make her future family life a better experience. She apparently is a very smart woman if she's choosen to disassociate herself with some of them.

Give her a chance. My sister and her husband have been together for 10 years, have 3 kids and are still going strong. As my Dad always says "you are who your friends are", so if she's surrounding herself with good people like you, then she deserves the opportunity to be with you.

Beruthiel

Shallow? wrote: »

She has a good job, works hard, has a nice house, doesn't drink and seems quite a sensible, sensitive type who is quite embarrassed about her family and as she says, she didn't choose them! I'm inclined to give her a chance but I can't help having doubts already, even though it doesn't seem fair.

Wow.
You actually don't deserve this girl.

Despite every disadvantage a child could have with regards to their up bringing she had the strength and determination to make a fantastic go of her life. Against all the odds, she has succeeded.

Do you have any idea at all how strong a person you have to be to do what she has done?
Do you have any idea how special she is?
Do you know how lucky you are to have someone in your life with such strength of character?
She should be damn proud of herself.
More importantly, you should be damn proud of her!

Beetlebum

Wow...I agree with the above 100%. You don't deserve this girl and as you're name suggests yes you are shallow.

My mom was an alcoholic and she died from alcohol poisoning about 3 months after I started going out with my bf. Like you his famliy are fairly normal with no major issues and he was shocked at how I'd grown up but he stood by me.
It wasn't easy for him to suddenly have to deal with all my grief and sorrow but he loved me and respected me and helped me through it. That's something I'll never forget. He also tells me all the time how strong he thinks I am and he admires how well I handled everything.

I actually think you should be ashamed of yourself. How insenstive you must be.
Try being a bit more empathetic.

I think Miss Fluff was way too easy on you.

Ggrrr....

LegacyUser

I'm going to disagree with all the other posters.

It's wise to think about this and to move forward with your eyes open.

The theory might say that if you really like her her family background shouldn't matter, but that's trite and simplistic. Reality is very different.

Your girlfriend may be fantastic, but look at the thousands of other threads on this board about problems with inlaws and the enormous amount of strain that can put on a relationship and on both parties in the relationship individually. By going out with her you're knowingly choosing to open yourself up to the drama that is her family.

In 5/10/20 years time, when you've had an alcoholic relative staying on your couch for a month, when you dread christmas, communions, and birthdays, or your kids have witnessed a screaming match between granny and grandad. . . will she be drawing the line in the sand or still trying to help them or feeling guilty about cutting them out. Yes, life happens and the most normal families can turn into nightmares, but this is something you know about.

The most important things here are how she deals with her family, where her boundaries lie with them, and how serious you are about the relationship. If she's good at distancing herself and happy to support you against them, then that's fantastic; if she can't then it may be time to consider your options.

Emme

After working her butt off and bucking the family tradition of being dysfunctional, the last thing this girl needs is a boyfriend who looks down on her family and judges her on their behaviour regardless of their achievements.

Would the OP, if he were born into a similar set of circumstances, have been able to make the same strides forward in his life?

Ickle Magoo

You're inclined to give her a chance? How big of you OP.

I think what you're doing is pretty horrible actually. Let's turn things around for a minute. If you lost your job or failed an exam and she dumped you because coming from a family like yours she expected better, how would you feel? And more importantly what would you think of her? She can't help the family she was born into and she appears to have done everything in her power to ensure she's nothing like them and yet you are still considering punishing her for it.

No, it's not fair and tbh, I think she deserves a guy who can see just what kind of person manages to over-come those kinds of obsticles and not one that concentrates on ifs and maybes.

Oryx

Youve recently started to see her, and youre not even sure where this is going, so really, why are you concerned about her family now? You should be concentrating on the girl, and seeing if you both have a connection. It is important to know where someone comes from, because in a long term relationship, your inlaws become a big part of your life. But generally, you shouldnt be letting it sway you right at the beginning, when anything can happen, anyway.

You say you 'fell for her from the start', and then you come out with a line like this:

I'm inclined to give her a chance but I can't help having doubts already

You make it sound like a job interview, and to be honest if I thought the man in my life was saying that about me, I wouldnt wait for him to decide if Im a good bet, I'd be backing rapidly away from him myself. Its clinical and more than a little cold, from a man who claims to be smitten.

daisybelle2008

Shallow? wrote: »

I've recently started seeing this girl. I've known her a couple of months and I fell for her pretty much from the start. She's a really nice girl, we get on really well. It's only been a couple of weeks into it and we've been talking about our families. Thing is, her family sound like a total mess with big issues past and present and she has not spoken to some of them in a long long time. I don't blame her given the circumstances but it bothers me e.g. drugs and alcohol related issues. Seems, things were tough enough for her growing up. I know it's early days and I don't want to let her family's problems affect how I feel about her but it's all a bit alien to what I'm used to.

There may be a time when she does want to have a relationship with them regardless of their alcoholism or addictions. Could you accept that? You know she can love and have a relationship with her family without needing to be like them? I may be wrong but you seem to feel that rejecting her family because they are dysfunctional is the right thing to do. She may need to have a closer relationship with them because she loves them even though she does not condone their behaviour. Can you support this or would you feel better if she was outright disowning them.

Moomoo1

disagree wrote: »

I'm going to disagree with all the other posters.

It's wise to think about this and to move forward with your eyes open.

The theory might say that if you really like her her family background shouldn't matter, but that's trite and simplistic. Reality is very different.

Your girlfriend may be fantastic, but look at the thousands of other threads on this board about problems with inlaws and the enormous amount of strain that can put on a relationship and on both parties in the relationship individually. By going out with her you're knowingly choosing to open yourself up to the drama that is her family.

In 5/10/20 years time, when you've had an alcoholic relative staying on your couch for a month, when you dread christmas, communions, and birthdays, or your kids have witnessed a screaming match between granny and grandad. . . will she be drawing the line in the sand or still trying to help them or feeling guilty about cutting them out. Yes, life happens and the most normal families can turn into nightmares, but this is something you know about.

The most important things here are how she deals with her family, where her boundaries lie with them, and how serious you are about the relationship. If she's good at distancing herself and happy to support you against them, then that's fantastic; if she can't then it may be time to consider your options.

I find that attitude shocking. So the poor girl gets a choice between having to cut her family out of her life and never finding a proper partner.

Some reward for dragging oneself up by the bootstraps from a difficult family!

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I find that attitude shocking. So the poor girl gets a choice between having to cut her family out of her life and never finding a proper partner.

Some reward for dragging oneself up by the bootstraps from a difficult family!

No she has many choices, one of which is cutting herself off from her family and others ranging from limited contact with clearly defined boundaries to being fully involved in their lives and the drama that entails.

The OP (or indeed any of her potential partners) have the choice to go out with her or not. Some people are good with handling difficult family situations, some people aren't. Some people can let the dynamics of a complicated family life bounce off them, and some people can think of nothing else. Some people like to be the person in the relationship who looks after the other, some people like to be looked after. Everyone has some form of drama in their lives, and nobody knows what's around the corner. All we can do is work with what we do know about the situation and about ourselves.

A complicated family background with drug abuse and alcoholism is not something to be trivialised. The problems don't disappear just because you love each other. If the OP knows himself well enough to know that this may be something he can't handle, then backing out now may well be the wisest option. At the very least he should think about whether it is something he can deal with.

Moomoo1

disagree wrote: »

No she has many choices, one of which is cutting herself off from her family and others ranging from limited contact with clearly defined boundaries to being fully involved in their lives and the drama that entails.

The OP (or indeed any of her potential partners) have the choice to go out with her or not. Some people are good with handling difficult family situations, some people aren't. Some people can let the dynamics of a complicated family life bounce off them, and some people can think of nothing else. Some people like to be the person in the relationship who looks after the other, some people like to be looked after. Everyone has some form of drama in their lives, and nobody knows what's around the corner. All we can do is work with what we do know about the situation and about ourselves.

A complicated family background with drug abuse and alcoholism is not something to be trivialised. The problems don't disappear just because you love each other. If the OP knows himself well enough to know that this may be something he can't handle, then backing out now may well be the wisest option. At the very least he should think about whether it is something he can deal with.

still comes to two choices really. To affect one's relationship with one's family or to not affect it.

You go out with the person, not the family, so they shouldn't really be relevant here. Trying to predict what might happen in the future and how things will turn out with them is pointless.

as for 'something he can't handle', he's a man for goodness' sake... he should consider growing a pair...

peasant

Beruthiel wrote: »

Wow.
You actually don't deserve this girl.

Despite every disadvantage a child could have with regards to their up bringing she had the strength and determination to make a fantastic go of her life. Against all the odds, she has succeeded.

Do you have any idea at all how strong a person you have to be to do what she has done?
Do you have any idea how special she is?
Do you know how lucky you are to have someone in your life with such strength of character?
She should be damn proud of herself.
More importantly, you should be damn proud of her!

That's the one side of the medal and I agree totally.


The other side is that family issues have a habit of rearing their heads, even when you are years together and thought them long since forgotten/dealt with.

In this matter the OP needs to either, as somebody put it, "grow a pair" and be ready to support and stand by his GF should these issues arise in the future or seenashow he has doubts already, maybe he should quit now and give the girl a chance to find someone who is as strong as her.


Either way, it is good that he is thinking about this now and not when it is too late

Dudess

Despite potential issues with potential in-laws etc, I still don't think this is reason to not proceed - better the devil you know than don't know...
How bad are the family though OP? Drug and alcohol abuse by some members - what else? What you've given is sparse, and it doesn't look all that bad. I mean, my mother came from a home where there was alcoholism and domestic violence unfortunately, but my father married her, and his in-laws weren't much of an issue (yeah there were clashes, but nothing major ever - these were clashes which could have arisen even if there weren't alcohol issues).

This girl seems to have done exceptionally well for herself - even if she didn't come from a background that would (apparently) hinder many. I don't know whether you're right for her if you're ruminating over this in the first place though...

petethebrick

OP - you're the wanker mate. (sorry mods but you gotta call a spade a spade)
Dump her and give her the chance to meet someone nicer, sounds like she deserves it.