He's using me.

LegacyUser

As the title says, my 'bf' is using me, I know it but can't seem to get myself out of this cycle with him. Briefly, we're together 6 months now. He only ever calls or texts when he wants something from me - not even alway s*x, tho sometimes it is that. He tends to be 'all over' me when he wants something, whether it's a lend of money/to borrow my car/to stay at my place for a few nights as his flatmate annoys him.
I rarely, if ever get a call just to see how I am. Or to see if I'd like to do anything or go anywhere. He would often go for a week without getting in contact - ignoring my texts/calls. Then he'd text or ring with some silly story about his battery dying or no credit, and ultimately, he'd ask me for a lend of my car or to do him some favour. At this point, he is always full of praise for me, telling me how wonderful I am etc/telling me how silly I am for imagining anything was wrong with 'us' because I hadn't heard from him in a week.
I'm at the stage now where I think 'What does he want from me now' whenever he rings.
I know I should dump him but the times when he's 'all over' me, almost make up for the times when he ignores me....
Am I imagining his behaviour? He constantly tells me Im being ridiculous when I question why he hasnt been in touch, or might only be in touch when he wants something from me. He convinces me hes right and Im wrong. However, I havent heard from him since last friday nite and know I should get rid..
Not sure what advice Im asking for really...just wondering if others have been here and how did you finally break this pattern of treatment by someone who's supposed to care for you?

Glenshane Pass

You're mad! Tell him where to go! I've been messed around before, but it wasn't this obvious. You know what to do, I know its tough, but surely you're worth more than this?

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

I know I should dump him but the times when he's 'all over' me, almost make up for the times when he ignores me...

Come on now girl! Read your post again. Have a bit of self-respect and dump him. He's a using leech.

I actually couldn't even have hot sex with someone so pathetic and transparent, he's not even worth using for that purpose tbh. Get rid!

LegacyUser

You're both right of course.
I know how pathetic I sound.
I'm in a cycle of being treated badly and I'm finding it very hard to get out of.
Tonight, for example, I feel good about myself and feel that I am better off without him, having not heard from him in a week.
However, when he rings, because he will, my mood will improve and I'll be dying to see him....I was just about to say because he makes me feel good with all the compliments...but that's even more pathetic when I write it down...

unattendedbag

It sounds like a young childs behaviour whereby they act nice and full of love and attention because they want somethng but will flip and throw a tantrum if they dont get it. The advantage you have is that you have copped on and noticed the pattern so next time he sucks up to you and wants to borrow some money or the car then just say no to teach him a lesson. You'll soon be able to identify what it his he's trying to get each time so you can be prepared to refuse it. If he kicks off then explain what you're doing. Then if he doesnt change, chuck him.

R.D. aka MR.D

You don’t deserve this kind of treatment.

It might seem daunting to have to be without him but eventually you will meet some one who treats you right.

I used to be some one who let people take what they want from me because I thought that’s what friends do. You know what I still have loads of friends, different ones of course and not on of them expects anything monetary/unreasonable favours of me. Just like how friendships should be.

It might be difficult now but you’ll feel better about yourself in the long run.

KasandraRose

Girlfriend, I know what you're going thru only because I had a relationship similar to this. Well, everything except giving him money. That's the sure tell sign that he's using you. Just realize, he's probably joking about it to his buddies behind your back. I know that's a hurtful thing to say but you need to understand that you're better than that.

You just need to stop answering his phone calls. Don't respond to text messages. Forget his number. Delete it from your phone! Cut all communication with the guy and get a clean brake from him. That's the only way you'll move on and realize that you deserve better. There are far too many men out there to be stuck with a man who doesn't respect you.

Make plans to go out with the girls or go to the gym or something. You need something to keep you busy so you can stop thinking about him. Please do it. It's what's best for you - coming from a girl who knows!

LegacyUser

Thanks Kassandra. Like I said, he borrows money from me, but in fairness, always gives it back. Again, I'm feeling good today because I haven't heard from him yet - we had made loose plans to go out tonight. If I contact him to say I don't want to go anywhere, he'll convince me I'm wrong, tell me how much he's missed me and before I know it, we'll be out. However, if I don't contact him, he possibly won't contact me and go out to watch the match. It's all very subtle behaviour on his part.
It's helping me to write this down though because you know the way you just put up with certain behaviour from people, and begin to wonder if you're over-reacting? Then it's only when you get others opinions you realise that in fact, you're not.
Having said all of that, I've just re-read this and realise I sound like a doormat. I was never like this before...never went out with a guy like this. At the start, his behaviour excited me, always waiting to see if he rang, always waiting to see how he felt about me and see how I could help him out...now I'm just bored with it though.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm in a cycle of being treated badly and I'm finding it very hard to get out of.

Why is that do you think?
Don't you like yourself?
Don't you believe you have the right to be with someone who cares about you and respects you?
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

LegacyUser

Very good question Beruthiel. I suppose I've always had that feeling of being 'not worthy' of certain things - a relationship being one of them. It stems back to family stuff, for which I've had counselling - I was sure I'd dealt with it all though. Having said that, it appears that I haven't.

I love the way when one posts on boards, there are so many people who just KNOW they deserve the best in life. Do all people really, really feel like that? I would dearly love to be that person who doesn't accept cr*p from anyone and who really believes I deserve the best. How do you become like that?

Like I said, it's a pattern I have with this guy - that I need to break.

He just text sayin 'Miss you honey'. My heart skipped a beat, like a fool. All because he took approx 3 seconds to send me a text, and within the minute my mood had changed thinking 'Yes, he cares....'

Arrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh......

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I love the way when one posts on boards, there are so many people who just KNOW they deserve the best in life. Do all people really, really feel like that? I would dearly love to be that person who doesn't accept cr*p from anyone and who really believes I deserve the best. How do you become like that?

Simply put, by coming to the realisation that you are a good person.
A nice and likeable person.
That you rock and that you deserve to be with people who know that about you.
Sure, not everyone is going to like you as a person, that's not possible, humans are too different in their wants and needs. But that's just fine. There are loads of people out there that will get you, that will appreciate you and those are the ones you surround yourself with.
I didn't actually truly get that until I hit my late twenties. Life instantly became better and has continued to do so since then.
Keep telling yourself that you deserve the best, one day, you'll start believing it.

As for that text message. Don't give someone else the power to dictate how you feel on a daily basis.
Your happiness is in your hands, not his.

LegacyUser

But am I unique in this? Am I unique because I get a text and it makes me feel good....?

You're right that I shouldn't give him the power...I try not to...
I'm not blaming him really, but I do believe he manipulated me at the start of the relationship. Kind of 'sucked me in' so to speak - I found out after a few months, that alot of what he told me originally was lies. We met online and I think it's relevant here purely because the relationship began with texting and emailing (had we met in a pub, that wouldn't have been the case) and even after a few meetings, the texting or mailing continued for a long period, an d he was able to lie much easier than had we been face to face....

I haven't replied to his text yet - not like me at all. He's already sent 2 more texts asking if I'm ok and saying it's not like me not to get back to him immediately and that he's worried about me.
He's not worried enough to pick up the phone and ring me tho....

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

He just text sayin 'Miss you honey'. My heart skipped a beat, like a fool. All because he took approx 3 seconds to send me a text, and within the minute my mood had changed thinking 'Yes, he cares....'

Arrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh......

Yeah, but maybe tell us what the next text says as well girl. You know yourself it will be because he wants something. You need to get rid, he's toxic

Ickle Magoo

Sit down and write a list of things you want from a boyfriend and from your relationship - how you want to feel, how you want things to roll, what you want your boyfriend to say and do. Then write down what you actually have and compare.

Surely you'd rather be single than be someone's doormat? If you have self-esteem issues do you think knowingly allowing someone to use you is going to help matters? It's just going to make you feel sad and pathetic. It's hard breaking up when there are still good parts of a relationship but if you are feeling used then it's a really unhealthy relationship for you and you have to get out of it and find someone who deserves you.

Best of luck.

buswankers

I know its hard but do not respond to his text, honestly you need to get rid of this lad NOW. U really dont deserve this treatment....u havent heard from in a whole week & all he can come up with is 'miss you honey'....honestly please just cut the chord coz he is going to do u no good in the long run...or short run for that matter!

All the best....& please remember you have a right to a loving relationship and to be treated with respect.

maryqwerty

hi unregistered!
i think everybody has made good points here but coming from a woman who has in the past been in one of these relationships- not based on loaning money but based on EXACTLY the same situations of him calling when he wants, when it suits him. always second to his friends.
i can totally relate to your feelings. i cant explain them but i can relate to them and it is an awful rollercoaster of a ride! i bet ur thinking ''all these people offering advice on here are SO RIGHT, but i cant listen to them- he makes me happy those few times that he says nice things/ pays me attention/ seems like he loves me'' cos thats exactly how i felt when people would offer their advise.
it also just feels better to distract urself from his disrespectful behaviour and hence why u like to talk about him. the worst part is that even though ur raging and hurt and disappointed with how hes treating u, he never actualy hears u when u tell him. he just repeatedly hurts u and its a vicious circle! when hes nice to u, u wonder why u ever gave ur self a hard time but then boom- it happens again hes horrible to you and distant.
my biggest wonder is if it is our personalities - i.e lack of confidence, that causes the men to act this way or if it is that we are/were with in my case) wrong men/disrespectful men. do you think a change of boyfriend would fix this or do we need to look at ourselves and change something? thats what i have wondered. and no its not your fault!!! nobody deserves to be mistreated. i just can never understand why my ex boyfriend who claimed to love me with all his heart and at times i believed him when he said it, would act like this? do they not love us or what is it? i guess the only way to truly find out is to end it with him. i actualy ended mine- moved away and changed my phone so i dont even know if hes been looking for me since the breakup so cant answer that. how old are you op?

maryqwerty

by the way OP, how often do you actualy see him and do you spend much time together?
its very similar to my ex.. texting 'miss you honey' after he knows ur upset/annoyed. its like they try to act like they dont think theyre wrong- hes buttering you up- he knows that your heart melts when he says these things. my ex knew he could fu*k me around and all it would take was a nice word and we'd be back.

i'll tell u what made me call it a day- i felt i needed to be out having fun and flirting with men

LegacyUser

Im 27, he's 30. I have to agree maryqwerty, you sound exactly like me! It has definitely been a bit of a pattern with me tho - although no other previous boyfriend has really taken the p*ss out of me as much as this guy.

I still haven't replied and lo and behold, I've a missed call from him! Must be his first call to me in 3 months (always text!). He'd probably never guess that I'm annoyed at his behaviour, because previously, I've just gone along with it. Telling him I did loads of stuff in the few days we didn't see each other, ignoring the fact that he didn't answer my calls and return a text message to me...

god this feels like therapy though.
If I was reading this from another poster, I'd be thinking 'Shes an awful eejit...'

bubblybox

Been there, done that, worn the t-shirt,,,until a lovely man said drunkingly to me one night "your so naive" he barely knew me or my man but had heard things...His comment struck me, even though I knew he knew nothing concrete about our relationship. It struck me because it was the truth and no one had ever said it as bluntly to me before. I looked back at all those messgaes he didnt reply to until he needed something, same with missed calls from me and I would NEVER get a missed call from him..talking what he told me as gospel even though a sane person would have looked at the contrary and realised it was crap!

My advice - leave him, dont entertain,,,if he is any use and has just been taking you mistakeningly for granted,,,he will come back better than ever :rolleyes:

mood

unregistered wrote: »

Im 27, he's 30. I have to agree maryqwerty, you sound exactly like me! It has definitely been a bit of a pattern with me tho - although no other previous boyfriend has really taken the p*ss out of me as much as this guy.

I still haven't replied and lo and behold, I've a missed call from him! Must be his first call to me in 3 months (always text!). He'd probably never guess that I'm annoyed at his behaviour, because previously, I've just gone along with it. Telling him I did loads of stuff in the few days we didn't see each other, ignoring the fact that he didn't answer my calls and return a text message to me...

god this feels like therapy though.
If I was reading this from another poster, I'd be thinking 'Shes an awful eejit...'

Either dump him for good or tell him either his behaviour changes for good. Do put up with this crap. To be honest I don't think I could give him another chance.

KasandraRose

Unregistered wrote: »

Having said all of that, I've just re-read this and realise I sound like a doormat. I was never like this before...never went out with a guy like this. At the start, his behaviour excited me, always waiting to see if he rang, always waiting to see how he felt about me and see how I could help him out...now I'm just bored with it though.

It sounds like you're slowing coming to the realization that a relationship isn't supposed to be like this. It might be one of those things where you need to spend time with him one last night to truly understand that you deserve better - just don't get sucked into his mind games and manipulations. It sounds like your heart and your mind/thoughts are starting to work together in unison. I hope you kick him to the curb. Like I said, go out with the girls! Find someone else you can mingle with! You sound like a very nice person and definitely deserve better!!!

aquablu

They've said it all.He is a user and is preying on your lack of self esteem to keep you..but at bay.Girl you deserve better.The minute you're able to shake off that feeling of worthlessness,everything will fall into place and ultimately ,you'll get the strength to get rid of him.Most of us women go through that in life but its upto an indvidual to break the cycle.Right now,you may take everyones advice on board but as long as you dont sort your attitude towards yourself out,you will be stuck in the same rut even,with the next guy,if you're unlucky enough to be targeted by an idiot of a guy again.

He's a horrible loser,clearly with no pride if he's going to be askin for money from you.Are you sure thats the kind of ''man'',you want n your life?

shelly1234

Hey OP... i know exactly where ur coming from except im with the guy a year now...we lived together then we went on a break and are living seperatly now... before we would be in constant contact all day and night! even when we went to work we would always be texting or ringing but ever since we went on the break he seems to be doing exactly what ur guy is doing...altho i do hear from him every day but we go a whole week without seeing each other sometimes cause "hes busy"! when he wants something he is super nice to me but when he wants nothing its like im a burden to him! not nice at all! esspecially when im a nice person and dont deserve it... some days i get really strong and think feck him im gonna do my own thing how dare he treat me like this but then other days if he takes ages to send me a text or if he doesnt say anything particularly nice to me i get soooo down in the dumps about it but like you i could then get a text and that would put me in good form for the day! its ridiculous but your not alone! and the worst part is we know we'r bein eejiits but we wont do anythign about it!!! arrrrggghhhh!!!!!

LegacyUser

I was trying to discover if I was completely alone feeling like this - knowing someone is using me, and just allowing it. And I'm not it seems - not that that makes me feel any better, but it is a comfort to know that other people feel as I do. He often tries to convince me that loads of other couples have the same relationship as we do - seeing each other once a week while they 'get on with their own lives' ('It's really important we have our own lives honey') and then I think he's right, and that I am over reacting.

This thread has made me realise alot of things. 1. I need more counselling to finally fix my self-esteem issues and 2. I'm dumping him at the next opportunity.

I did ring him back today and he went on about how concerned he was about me when I didnt reply to his text or phonecall. I now realise that he wants to be in control of our relationship (If that's what you call it). When I suggested we go out for dinner tonight, he said he was busy and might give me a ring in the morning...
Im tempted to just text him tonight and dump in - but if I do it in a text, I just know the texting will go on all night and he'll convince me Im over reacting. So I'll wait till I see him again.

Glenshane Pass

Unregistered wrote: »

I was trying to discover if I was completely alone feeling like this - knowing someone is using me, and just allowing it. And I'm not it seems - not that that makes me feel any better, but it is a comfort to know that other people feel as I do. He often tries to convince me that loads of other couples have the same relationship as we do - seeing each other once a week while they 'get on with their own lives' ('It's really important we have our own lives honey') and then I think he's right, and that I am over reacting.

This thread has made me realise alot of things. 1. I need more counselling to finally fix my self-esteem issues and 2. I'm dumping him at the next opportunity.

I did ring him back today and he went on about how concerned he was about me when I didnt reply to his text or phonecall. I now realise that he wants to be in control of our relationship (If that's what you call it). When I suggested we go out for dinner tonight, he said he was busy and might give me a ring in the morning...
Im tempted to just text him tonight and dump in - but if I do it in a text, I just know the texting will go on all night and he'll convince me Im over reacting. So I'll wait till I see him again.

He will try and manipulate you, be ready for it. It will be a challenge not to fall for it, will you be up to it? Don't let this boy waste your time.

KasandraRose

Glenshane Pass wrote: »

He will try and manipulate you, be ready for it. It will be a challenge not to fall for it, will you be up to it? Don't let this boy waste your time.

I was going to say the same exact thing! He is a master manipulater. Don't give him the upper hand. Say what you have to say, and disconnect or walk out if you're in person.

C'mon girl! You can do it!!!

Glenshane Pass

I'll also add that you don't need to be bitter about it. The world is full of manipultors and so on, thats just the way it is. I'm not telling you to hate his guts, just realise that some people manipulate, and lack morals and that you are better than that, its simple really but you have to really put in mental effort to make it sink in. You'll learn one way or the other, just try and make it on your terms.

Annie Bananie

Unregistered wrote: »

I would dearly love to be that person who doesn't accept cr*p from anyone and who really believes I deserve the best. How do you become like that?

For me it was when I had enough! Was tired of always going by the guys rules.. I did what they wanted and they never considered doing what I wanted. It's a give and take, or at least it should be.

It is really hard to let someone go that you love, but it will be so worth it in the end, trust me! After a while when you gotten over him (you will!) the only regret you will have is that you didn't do it sooner

Think of what you want and go for it

Good luck!

tatabubbly

You go girl!!!! Fair play to ya!!

He's a loser and ya can do so much better! Tell him whos in charge

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

He often tries to convince me that loads of other couples have the same relationship as we do - seeing each other once a week while they 'get on with their own lives' ('It's really important we have our own lives honey') and then I think he's right, and that I am over reacting.

Your self esteem is at an all time low, and you can see it in this quote. A person with a reasonable level of self esteem would not need to be told by someone else how to feel about a situation....they would just know how to feel about it and just reply 'I know how I feel about this, thank you very much'.
It's almost as if you're too scared to make a decision, like you're living your life through him. If you're living your life through him, this means you don't have to make decisions about the direction your life is taking. It's scary taking hold of the reins, due to the possibility of making mistakes, but you'll have to do it for your own happiness. Everybody makes mistakes but it's how you deal with them that matters!

Start listening to that niggling little voice that tells you that this relationship isn't right. Stop trying to ignore it. It's daunting at first, because you're taking the reins, but bit by bit, you'll start believing your own view on things. Then when you get stronger, you'll look back and wonder why you ever let anyone walk all over you. You'll be a different person.

Good luck

LegacyUser

I did start to listen to the niggling voice when I wrote my original post. I knew I was right..I knew he was treating me badly, but when someone is constantly telling you that you're imagining things, you begin to wonder, are you imagining things?

So I've dumped him (feel like throwing a party!)

He didn't take it too well...it happened saturday night/sunday morning. He was drunk, I wasn't. I told him I deserved better and I truly believe that he hadn't a clue what I was talking about. He said he was crazy about me and that he couldn't believe I didn't feel the same...hadn't a clue this was coming and thought we had a wonderful relationship. He even shed a tear...

But I focussed on his treatment of me over the past few months...focussed on the fact that he only ever got in touch if he wanted something...
Hate to say it, but we had break-up s*x...but I think that's kinda the norm...

Today and yesterday, I feel great. I'm no longer wondering if he'll call. I've deleted his number and he hasn't been in touch and I hope he doesn't get in touch. If he does, I'll ignore him...I've a slight spring in my step and am feeling like a spice girl (girl power an all that!)....didn't think I'd feel like this, thought I'd be very low and wouldn't know what to do without him...but here I am, strong as an ox so far. Thanks for advice guys, really helped.

LegacyUser

Well done! It was a difficult step to take but you took it. You'll look back on this as a turning point in your life : )

Miss Fluff

Well done you. You did the right thing. It may have been hard to do it but not putting up with it helps you realise that you're worth so much more than that, fair play girl