I am so lonely it is beginning to scare me

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I really don't know where to begin, I guess posting here is my way of feeling like I am connected to the world on some level.

On the outside everything seems fine. Well, not going swimmingly but even when I try to reach out to people I seem to get little in the way of advice, comfort or company. I am 24. I am in the closet. No one knows i'm gay. No one. Not my family, or any of my friends.

That's the first problem. My family I am not close to. I rarely see them. This causes me alot of anxiety because I should see them more than I do but to be honest when I go home I get terrified of the usual questions about girlfriends/relationships. I avoid family events. I have no relationship with my siblings. The reason I havn't come out is because basically I can't face up to the fact that I am gay. I still havn't come to terms with it. I used to be outgoing, popular, on the face of it happy. But this niggling doubt has at this point eaten me up inside. Its spilled over into every area of my life. I live in Dublin. In an apartment. I was in college, did a masters etc. Got a job, which I was lucky to have but was let go after 8 months in April. Since then I have spent my days in bed, all day and awake all night. I live on my own.

I spend all day every day by myself. I have a few close friends, well, as close as can be when I am living a complete lie and last week all six of them left. They had been planning trips away for a while. I knew I would find it hard to cope once they all emigrated but I guess denial is my strong suit and did the whole goodbye thing etc. and put on a brave face. They have girlfriends, plans, jobs etc. I looked at them with such envy and regret watching them go for meals with the family, have goodbye drinks etc. Now they are gone I am 100% alone. I have no role in the world and I know its's my own fault. I have a part-time job which just covers the rent, bills and food etc. There is little scope to save although I am trying very hard since last month to put aside something (€100 so far) just to give me hope that I am working on a plan of action to get out of here.

I now have no friends because they had the funds to move away and no family because of my complete inability to break the news to them and deal with that anxiety that comes with it. I have become bitter, jealous and so angry. With myself mostly. I spend my days on the internet, looking at foreign countries, and dreaming of being able to leave myself. Just for a year, Australia, anywhere really, just to, as cliched as it sounds 'find myself'. I need time out of Ireland so badly. I have always wanted to travel, long before any of this came to a head and because of my post-grad I am still in debt to the tune of €2000. So realistically I need to find €5000 before I could ever even contemplate booking flights and setting a date for departure. The reason I want to leave is to correct the wrong I made when I moved away for college. On registration day I should have come out to these new people and said 'i'm gay' and I often wonder how different a senario my life would be right now if I had confronted it then. I want to leave, and from the minute I step foot on foreign soil be out and open to every person I meet. I need that clean break so badly. At this point coming out here and now is futile, as my friends are gone and my family are pretty religious I just don't have the stomach for that conversation right now with so much else going wrong.

I have never had a relationship. Never held hands, been kissed. People around me would consider me pretty good looking, which prompts questions when i'm out from girls etc. and puzzles my few close friends why I can't seem to have a relationship. I would give anything to experience the early days of meeting someone you fancy, doing things with them and so on. I imagine it's pretty damn good. So that's what I want. I want to leave and do this. But I guess what I am asking here is what the do I do right now? I am facing into a long night. I literally have nothingt to do. Mon-Wed is usually ok because I have work and that keeps me busy but I don't want to ruin my life any longer. I am sick of crying myself to sleep, beating myself up and being paralysed by inaction and denial.

The thoughts of the future terrify me. I am literally so lonely I am terrified and scaring myself with how down I feel. I would give anything for a visitor, a drink somewhere, a walk with someone. I know most people will suggest that I am depressed (I have been to my GP, I have done psychotherapy and I have been on anti-depressants but I am sure my circumstances are causing my current state, I can remember being happy in the past)

I guess I just needed to get this out, and take whatever feedback comes from it. Honestly, thanks for reading. It at least makes me feel connected to the world on some level.

dory

In a crazy way, you're lucky you're gay.

Whenever I see threads on here from people saying they're lonely my first reaction is always, 'Pity you're not gay'. If you're gay you can easily enough have a ready made set of friends. I knew pretty much no one in Dublin, had very few friends in general and then joined a website (called QueerID), and straight away had 20 - 30 people to go out with every weekend. Even if you don't have money to go out there are all sorts of other things. A new outdoor adventure group just started, last thing they did was orienteering around Phoenix Park.
There's so much, a gay rowing club, football club, rugby club. No big money needed at all.

PM me if you want to talk more, but really - being gay is a definite advantage here.

As for the coming out bit, I don't know about your circumstances but I found being around gay people really normalised it for me and made it easier for me to deal with.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

My heart goes out to you.
If it's of any use: my brother has been close friends with this guy for the past 8 years& only found out very recently that this friend is gay. They're both 23, a group of 5 pals met up down the pub, when the friend casually mentioned "my boyfriend". There wasn't any big declaration- "I'm gay!"- but it was out there, noted,& that was that. To my brother, it's been a big surprise, but in saying that, he has no intention of changing/terminating the friendship. And that's been the reaction of the entire group(all male). There was no "big interrogation" (well, they are Irish lads!), they're moving on with their own individual lives& don't think beyond that.
Your sexuality is not your entire personality, you're still you. Coming out of the closet doesn't necessarily mean giving everyone a blow-by-blow account...do it on your terms, in your way. It need only take a sentence ("No, I'm not seeing anyone, I'm not attracted to girls"), a hint; whatever you're comfortable with.
There is more support for you than you realise, have faith in the people around you. And yourself.
All the best.

keesa

There's so much there I'm not sure where to start.

The thing I noticed most is how you seem to be uncomfortable in yourself. I know you've been to GP's but have you tried finding a LGBT group in Dublin. They could help you come to terms with being gay, and eventually, if you wanted, give you advice on how to come out to your friends and family. You might even find people in a similar situation to you through them. It would also give you an opportunity to make friends and get out of the house.

I don't know if you think that's any help, but I hope it is...

CluelessGirl

Hey,

I can understand how you are feeling in relation to the burden and secrecy that you are feeling.

I am also gay.....but being gay is only a small part of who you are as a person. For a long time I was worried and paranoid about how other people thought of me but I soon realized that no one really judges you on who you fancy etc....

All I can tell you is that recently someone close came out to me who is older than me being 27 and they said that their biggest regret was not opening up and coming out younger. They too were very closed even to their family.

Their family embraced it and he is relieved but I think most people are scared of how their family will react and yes disappointed is one but they will love you all the same......sometimes your family can surprise you and I know this is not the case for everyone.

There are many support groups out there that are confidential and will be able to help you...I know of outhouse a place where you could go and meet people...I think there is a group to called belong....

It does take time to accept yourself but you will and in time you will love you for who you are and so will all your friends.

Hope this may have helped a little.

ABajaninCork

Gayandlonely - I am so sorry to read about your predicament.

To some extent, I understand how you feel as I too am a bit of an 'outsider', being new to Ireland, and not being able to make many friends as I'm unemployed.

I wish I lived nearer, so that I could invite you over for a cup of coffee and a chat. But - as the other posters say, why not try joining some of the LGBT groups that are around? Instant friends and being amongst like-minded people might make you a little more comfortable.

Easier said than done I know, but if that seems too big a step for you, then why not advertise for a pen pal on the LGBT board here? Either way, you're not alone...

Feel free to PM me if you want a chat...

Stu

You really are over analysing the fact that you are gay and looking at in a terribly negative way. Being gay shouldn't be such an issue for you in this day and age. You need to see a councellor in my opinion so you can let go of this need to hide your true identity at the expense of living a normal life. You don't appear to have the tools or confidence to approach this head on and get out there and start living your life.

You are only 24 with a good education so your really only starting out on life anyway. Please book an appointment to see a councellor and try work through your issues. Underlying anxiety of any sort will eat away at you and as you already know, you just end up going into your shell and blocking the world out. You really should be out having fun, meeting guys and just living life to the full.

I'm straight by the way but i'm just amazed that you have let this take over your life to such an extent. Gay, straight, asexual, nobody cares. People care about how you are as a person, your sexuality is irrelevant.

LegacyUser

Stu wrote: »

You really are over analysing the fact that you are gay and looking at in a terribly negative way. Being gay shouldn't be such an issue for you in this day and age. You need to see a councellor in my opinion so you can let go of this need to hide your true identity at the expense of living a normal life. You don't appear to have the tools or confidence to approach this head on and get out there and start living your life.

You are only 24 with a good education so your really only starting out on life anyway. Please book an appointment to see a councellor and try work through your issues. Underlying anxiety of any sort will eat away at you and as you already know, you just end up going into your shell and blocking the world out. You really should be out having fun, meeting guys and just living life to the full.

I'm straight by the way but i'm just amazed that you have let this take over your life to such an extent. Gay, straight, asexual, nobody cares. People care about how you are as a person, your sexuality is irrelevant.

His sexuality is not irrelevant. I'm aware that some families are quite liberal about this but not all. In the real world, it will create divisions, usually with the father figure, and will usually lead to awkwardness, if not even resentment. I feel really sorry for this guy, in some cases, admitting your sexuality can have massive consequences.

Stu

Blinkered, i disagree.

The effect this is having on the OP is going to cause a lot more damage longterm than the alternative which is embracing his sexuality and being open and honest with his family. His father might disown him (highly unlikely by the way) all ifs and buts anyway. The real issue here is the OPs inability to accept his sexuality.

Lets say that the OP decides that the "safest" thing to do for the moment is to bury his feelings deep inside and try to pretend that everything is grand and infact life really is fantastic. That underlying anxiety will continue to eat away and its negative effects will manifest itself in continual withdrawal from society. Why, because he is not being true to himself and letting other people (family) dictact how he lives his life.

Do you really think that his parents would be unsympathetic toward their son if they read his post on this thread. I don't think so. Ultimately i think they would want him to be happy and comfortable in his own skin.

LegacyUser

Are you sure none of your friends suspect? As in do you have even one friend who you feel you could trust enough to share this with. I think it would help you a lot.
Also I imagine it would be tough at first if your family is old fashioned in anyway but I do think they could accept it with time.
I know my cousin comes from a small town, lots of old fashioned views, definitely wouldn't be easy to come out in. However she moved abroad for awhile and came out there I assume and her family seems to be ok with it, as are most people now. It just came as a bit of a shock first, she had had a few bfs so nobody would have thought it.
I guess my point is people will come around, its tough thing for some to come out but it will definitely be worth it especially if your health is suffering.
And I think you should try and meet and go out with gay people at least then you wouldn't feel as alone and also it might help you accept it more.
Also with regards to moving why not just go to the UK, if you really want to get out of here it would be cheaper, that way you could move sooner.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

Miss Fluff

Ah OP, your post makes for very sad reading. I think you're just a little overwhelmed by everything right now so you need to shut off some of the chatter and deal with things as discrete issues or you will drive yourself crazy.

Not everyone is close to their family. It is there or it isn't. It can be cultivated sometimes or it can't. And you seem to have deliberately alientated yourself rather than come out. You can deal with those relationships after you have dealt with your own issues though so I'd park that for now.

Coming out can be a lonely old journey and I honestly think you would benefit from talking to some people who have been in the same situation. Every gay person has a different story as to how they came out. Some stories humurous and some so terribly painful and angst-ridden. Like I say it is a very individual journey and just to have some empathy and a sympathtic ear LOCALLY will do you some good. You might like to give these guys a call http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/ and there is a pretty active LGBT forum on Boards where you may like to look for some advice http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=255

I think rather than use this time plotting about where you go to "run away", you should use this time to work on your courage, your strength and ultimately your pride in being gay. Like I say, it is a journey but I'd use this time while all your friends are away for the summer to build your confidence and make some new friends who have no expectations of who you are sexually and essentially come to terms with being you. You should also look at maybe taking up some bar work or voluntary work if you are only occupied for two/three days a week. It will also expand your social circle.

I couldn't advocate travelling more. It expands the mind and leads you to people and experiences you would never ordinarily encounter. I think you have to have a certain level of self-awareness though to really get the benefit from a big trip though and that's why you should work on yourself and coming out before really letting yourself, your ACTUAL self, loose on the world!!

You will be fine OP. One of my favourite sayings is that "the longest journey begins with a single step", and that is all you have to do. An exciting new chapter of your life will start once you take that little step by reaching out for some help (and I think you have already done that by posting here tbh;))

LegacyUser

OP here,

Many thanks for the responses. I am considering them all quite seriously. I have spent the evening in a state. I admit there is a huge amount of self-pity involved here and I know the only person who can get me out of this mess is the person who has created it - me.

I am not necessarily ashamed of my sexuality. I am just fearful of having to announce it to my family. It would result in arguments, emabarrassment and disgust on their part. I know these things tend to settle down but I could never imagine ever being at the point where I could ever openly discuss a relationship or god forbid being someone home. I look at my friends and I see people who are joyful and happy. They are off to start new lives, with their girlfriends in most of their cases and I am genuinely so happy for them. I see how they light up with them and I can't help but feel something missing inside me for never having experienced that. I have never exchanged texts, held hands, watched movies, had sex, exhcanged I love you's or even been able to openly discuss liking someone, and at 24 to be in that position it does damage your self esteem and sense of hope. And it is really getting me down that I have spent twleve years denying myself something which is so critical to mental well-being. I guess I am a lesson in how denial is a short term solution to a long term problem and never ever works.

I am just desperately trying to take it hour by hour at this point. It's the lonlieness which is killing me. I am constantly alone. I hate night time because I honestly don't like sleeping, when I do I wake up in a state of unbelievable depression. My aim is to get out of here. I know this will help me. And I will consider the advice given re: support groups etc. Right now I just feel so detached from the world. It's like I am literally living on my own, entirely with no-one around even for small-talk or distraction. I am missing my friends terribly and I feel I don't deserve them in the first place for the deception I have pulled on them for all these years.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Gayandlonely wrote: »

OP here,

I am not necessarily ashamed of my sexuality. I am just fearful of having to announce it to my family. It would result in arguments, emabarrassment and disgust on their part. I know these things tend to settle down but I could never imagine ever being at the point where I could ever openly discuss a relationship or god forbid being someone home

But you are not able to discuss relationships with your family at the moment so what have you got to lose. By coming out to them (in the future) you have a change of having a much better relationship with is open and honest at the moment you seem to be isolating yourself because you are afraid of what could happen.

I'm not saying go home and come out this weekend but maybe you need to take the first step and try to meet some people and not be so lonely. Lots of people have suggested groups and clubs above. Why not even ring some of them to take the first step, what can you lose you don't seem to have much at the moment that you are happy with.

Good luck i really feel for you and i hope you find happiness in your life.

Oryx

OP, I can see that you are surrounded by fear of what people will think, of what to do next, of how to cope. Youve got to recognise that youve reached a point in your life where you are going to make this change, and stop hiding who you are, because you have to, you cant go on otherwise. That is terrifying, and I can understand why you feel so alone.

With anything difficult to deal with we tend to put it off, and put it off, until we reach the lowest point, which I think is where you are at. But thats not a bad thing really, there is nowhere to go now but up. And you will.

You need to begin by telling someone you are gay. Well, I suppose youve started here. Now tell someone in real life. Either a friend if you can bring yourself to, or contact a support group. Once you break through your barrier of secrecy, it will get easier to contemplate telling people closer to you, and eventually your family. However they handle it, it will not be as bad as this state of indecision and depression you are in now. Even the act of telling will be liberating for you.

Dont run away to start a new life. It might make you even lonelier than you are now. You cant run away from yourself, and a change of location will not necessarily change you.

Beruthiel

Gayandlonely wrote: »

I am literally so lonely I am terrified and scaring myself with how down I feel.

Aw honey, there is no need to be like that in 2010. I want to give you a big hug and tell you that it's all going to be ok. And it will be, you just have to make a little effort to help yourself.
First off, are you aware of this forum?
The people who post there are wonderful. If you would like to move this thread there so they can help you out, just say so here and a Mod will move it.
You can post unregged there too.

They are in the process of organising a night out, please think about going along. I have met some of them and they are a great bunch. If you tell them it's your first time to do anything like this, one of them will take you under their wing so you don't feel like you are going in all by yourself. It's just a few drinks and a laugh.

Take these tiny steps to help yourself. Life is short and you deserve to be happy. You can be, you just need to make the effort.
You won't die from the effort, trust me, I'm 100% sure of that!

kjl

OP, you are gay, not a murderer. Your family will love and accept you for who and what you are.

I have a friend who was in the closet until he was 30, he put on loads of weight from the upset it caused him. He was so scared about what people were going to say and think about him. In the end he came out, and you know what, Nobody cared. Not a single person changed their views towards him, he was still the same guy. The only difference is he couldn't use gay jokes anymore as it was too easy to turn it around on him. i.e. kjl, you suck! but then i would turn it around saying "but who out of the two of us has actually sucked?"

He is now totally cool with who he is, in fact last night he was asking if I though some bloke might be gay.

Take the leap OP, there is nothing to lose, you are already miserable

LegacyUser

Hi OP again,

Many thanks for the responses. It means alot that people would take time out of their day to help me. I am considering attending that night out with the LGBT forum. I have decided that I am going to come out, not while I am in Ireland but the minute I get to my destination, which I decided today. I am currently applying for jobs and I am hopeful I can get the money together to get away for a year or two. I know people have advised against this but I really feel that being in Dublin isn't helping my current situation as I have been here five years and there's a certain boredom creeping in which has hit home now all my close friends have left. I am not however going to keep hiding in the closet forever. I fully intend now to come out, one person at a time. Today has been slightly better than yesterday. I feel a little bit more optmisitic and I am determined to keep myself busy to combat the lonlieness I am feeling right now.

LegacyUser

Fair Play to you OP for taking on board what people on this thread are saying to you. You deserve to be happy and comfortable in your own skin regardless of your sexuality. Coming out will be difficult and nervewracking but empowering as well in the longterm although coming out to someone you trust and can confide in is a good first step to build up your confidence then take it from there with your family.

Meteoric

kjl wrote: »

OP, you are gay, not a murderer. Your family will love and accept you for who and what you are.

I have a friend who was in the closet until he was 30, he put on loads of weight from the upset it caused him. He was so scared about what people were going to say and think about him. In the end he came out, and you know what, Nobody cared. Not a single person changed their views towards him, he was still the same guy. The only difference is he couldn't use gay jokes anymore as it was too easy to turn it around on him. i.e. kjl, you suck! but then i would turn it around saying "but who out of the two of us has actually sucked?"

He is now totally cool with who he is, in fact last night he was asking if I though some bloke might be gay.

Take the leap OP, there is nothing to lose, you are already miserable

I agree with the above. I have a cousin who thought 10+ years ago he had to get out of Ireland because he was gay and was worried about what our family would think. TBH the response that he got when he came back to Ireland was the same as it would have been before he left. None of the family care what sex his partner is, we just want him to be happy. And I don't know how he feels about his time away but I know he is now happy with his partner he found in Ireland.
That said I'm from a very liberal family, but my cousin still had thse doubts, I've lived in country areas where I've found the attitude to homosexuality shocking and have said so.
That said some of the people who have the, to me, shocking attitudes totally accept and adore their gay relations.
To sum-up, I totally understand the worry and can't promise it will work out, but I know of more situations where coming out has been a positive experience rather than a bad one.

Curry Addict

hi OP, u need to go here http://www.belongto.org/default.aspx they will give you the help u need.
i brought my son there when he was 15 and they were amazing help.
go their sunday support group and you wont look back.

note, as a parent of a gay son. i dont think its likely that your parents dont know your gay already. from your posts i really think its time to come out and live your life as you are, you will be accepted.