Finding my adopted brother

Snail30

Hi,

I hope some of you can help or offer advice.

Recently I found out that my parents had a child before they got married (back in the 60's). They were living in the UK at the time and felt they had no option but to give him up for adoption (no one knew) and they subsequently moved back to Ireland where they had four more children.

This is a secret that has torn our family apart....my parents have never had a good relationship - blame and resentment on both sides - and my siblings and I never knew the reason. We knew there was a 'secret' as my mother would refer to it in her fits of rage. We spent so many years trying to figure out what was wrong and how we could help them to fix it. So when 'the secret' of the adopted child was finally revealed emotions ranged from relief to know what it was, to anger that they hadn't told us sooner. There is no anger that they gave him up for adoption as that was their decision and it wasn't one taken lightly.
My siblings and I are all over 30 years of age so we feel we should have been told a long time ago (and prevented years of worry and unhappines for us all) but for their own reasons my parents were afraid to tell us.

Anyhow my parents hardly talk to each other now (apart from shouting matches) and are on the cusp of seperation. One wants to try to trace him and one doesn't. Their relationship is very bad so it is very difficult to broach the subject with them. My mother now has no relationship with one of my sisters as she cannot forgive her for all the years of worry she put us through trying to help them when all along she knew what was wrong. My mother also suffers from mental/emotional problems mainly down to this 'secret'.

My siblings and I are happy to begin the search process to trace him if we can and see where we get to. We have our parents blesing (kind of) but this changes on a weekly basis.

Sorry for rambling but I guess what I am looking for advice on is:

a) Should we even go there. One things that worries me is if we did find him would he be upset that it was a sibling that looked for him and not his parents?

b) Should we leave well alone as it goes against one of my parents wishes?

c) Where would we even begin as he was given up for adoption in the UK?

d) If there was a successful reunion (and I know this is a long shot) is it unfair on him to 'invite' him into such a dysfunctional family?

Thanks in advance. This is all so upsetting but I feel the need to do something for his sake and for mine. It breaks my heart to think he might be looking for us and we never knew for all this time xx

trixy

Hi Snail30
Sorry to hear about your story it is very heartbreaking.

I am an adopted person and found out 2 years ago I have a sibling who was also placed for adoption but he is not interested in meeting me, he took it very hard according to my Social Worker but hopefully one day he will change his mind!

I have been looking for my birth mother for 6 years with no luck, I would love if someone contacted me and see how the relationship develops. Regardless of who feels what, I think he is obviously old enough to make the decision himself if he wants to meet you any of you. It is probably more difficult as your parents married and adopted people do find this hard to deal with.
But you have to remember he probably had a great life and a great family as most adopted people do so he has nothing to lose.

Speaking to social workers over the years, men and women treat the whole search thing very differently, men are not as willing as women.
The advantage you do have is he was adopted in England the records are more open than Ireland, there is still a lot of red tape etc here.

To close the chapter on all your lives I would do it now instead of witing till your parents pass and they wont be able to answer his questions then.
I wish you the best of luck and maybe when your parents see how happy he is they may not feel as bad or resentful towards each other.

I dont have any bad feelings towards by birth mother, if anything I would thank her for what she done as I know I wouldn't have had the family and life I had if she didnt give me up.

Best of luck
Trixy

OS119

Hi Snail,

the first thing to say is that given the man's age (ie: the period in which his adoption took place) he almost certainly knows he was adopted.

the second thing - which is very subjective - is that, for myself, i don't believe its the birth families 'place' to look for, and attempt to contact, the adoptee. by all means put the details onto a contact register to be available should the adoptee come looking, but it has to be the adoptees decision about whether to look for, or be interested in, their birth family.

probably the best idea is to contact Barnado's in the UK - they will be able to tell you about the procedure in the UK in the 1960's, and then the situation regarding current UK contact registers.

my advice: take it slow, try and keep everyone on board, and don't be surprised or disappointed if your adopted Brother has shown no interest in finding out about his birth family - generally, it means he's happy with his 'real' family and has adjusted to just not knowing.

Ickle Magoo

While I really sympathise with the obvious distress the situation has caused to your family, what concerns me is the impression from your post that you see getting in contact with your brother as a bit of a cure-all.

The vast majority of your post is about your family and their difficulties and issues with the adoption but I think you have to be prepared that your brother may want nothing to with you and that could just exacerbate problems even further.

If your parents split and one decides they want to find him then supporting them in their quest is one thing. Siding with one half of a feuding family to go searching for an adopted sibling is whole other kettle of fish and not one I think is a very good idea, for you or him.

Best of luck.

The_Conductor

Hi Snail30-

what you're describing is actually not unusual.

I'm not sure that I'd agree that birth family members shouldn't contact adopted people- but I do think that it would be very helpful to attend a reunion course (such as those offered by Barnados) prior to doing this- in order that you'd have a better understanding of how reunion may affect you, your parents, and your adopted brother- in different ways.

People often have a fairytale idea that they'll find their longlost birthparents, or sibling, and that things will be happy ever after. The media love to tell these wonderful stories- but there is very seldom a recognition that all too often these fairytale endings do not come to pass.

With respect of your family being dysfunctional- it really is a truism that all families are dysfunctional to one degree or another- if you scratch below the surface. Having a long lost brother come on the scene might very well not be the oil on troubled water that you imagine- it might bring all sorts of recriminations to the fore that no-one has considered.

I wouldn't read anything into the fact that your brother has never traced his birthfamily- almost 90% of those who trace are female- perhaps having children of their own drives some women to seek their birthparents in a way that just doesn't happen for men- or perhaps men are motivated to search in different ways?

I'm not trying to discourage you from tracing- simply saying, don't have any particular expectations, prepare for any eventualities, and be honest with yourself about why you're tracing and what you hope to achieve from it.

Dysfunctional or not- I'd encourage you to be honest with your parents about what you're doing. Adoption is shrouded in secrecy- adding yet another layer isn't helpful, in todays day and age.

Best wishes,

Shane

tyview

Hi Snail30,

I'm in the process of lucking for my birthparents/birthfamily and would love if any of them got in touch with me but thats just me.
One thing I can suggest is another adoption forum, based in the UK www.afteradoption.co.uk . I often have a look on that website in the forum and they have lots of information on it too. If you do want to search then that might give you an idea of whats involved in the UK.

Good luck in whatever you choose

kathy finn

hi snail, i feel the same as tyveiw, i would have loved my birthfamily to have come looking for me. you and your brother are both adults, if you want to go looking for him that is your right he is your brother. forget the rest of your family and go for it....kathy

Diamond123

Hi Snail30

I know that it was some time ago that you posted in here. I am in the exact same position as you are in and was wandering how you were getting on?
Would be great to chat.

Snail30 wrote: »

Hi,

I hope some of you can help or offer advice.

Recently I found out that my parents had a child before they got married (back in the 60's). They were living in the UK at the time and felt they had no option but to give him up for adoption (no one knew) and they subsequently moved back to Ireland where they had four more children.

This is a secret that has torn our family apart....my parents have never had a good relationship - blame and resentment on both sides - and my siblings and I never knew the reason. We knew there was a 'secret' as my mother would refer to it in her fits of rage. We spent so many years trying to figure out what was wrong and how we could help them to fix it. So when 'the secret' of the adopted child was finally revealed emotions ranged from relief to know what it was, to anger that they hadn't told us sooner. There is no anger that they gave him up for adoption as that was their decision and it wasn't one taken lightly.
My siblings and I are all over 30 years of age so we feel we should have been told a long time ago (and prevented years of worry and unhappines for us all) but for their own reasons my parents were afraid to tell us.

Anyhow my parents hardly talk to each other now (apart from shouting matches) and are on the cusp of seperation. One wants to try to trace him and one doesn't. Their relationship is very bad so it is very difficult to broach the subject with them. My mother now has no relationship with one of my sisters as she cannot forgive her for all the years of worry she put us through trying to help them when all along she knew what was wrong. My mother also suffers from mental/emotional problems mainly down to this 'secret'.

My siblings and I are happy to begin the search process to trace him if we can and see where we get to. We have our parents blesing (kind of) but this changes on a weekly basis.

Sorry for rambling but I guess what I am looking for advice on is:

a) Should we even go there. One things that worries me is if we did find him would he be upset that it was a sibling that looked for him and not his parents?

b) Should we leave well alone as it goes against one of my parents wishes?

c) Where would we even begin as he was given up for adoption in the UK?

d) If there was a successful reunion (and I know this is a long shot) is it unfair on him to 'invite' him into such a dysfunctional family?

Thanks in advance. This is all so upsetting but I feel the need to do something for his sake and for mine. It breaks my heart to think he might be looking for us and we never knew for all this time xx

Adrienne5775

I found a brother that was given up for adoption at birth. When I was approximately 12 years old, I came across some legal documents that showed a brother was given up in a private adoption by my mother on May 1,1955. My entire life since then I have asked my mother to please give me more information. I asked for her blessing several times over the years to find him and the requests for the information and any help was always swiftly denied. I took the only information I had which was a birthdate and name of a hospital, which turned out to be incorrect, and tried several times to locate him. I contacted private investigators, called talk shows, searched web sites all reaching a dead end. As I matured, got married and started having my own children, the yearning to find him increased year after year.
There were actually 3 of us. My other brother who was a half sibling passed away at the age of 28. That event was another catalyst that sparked my relentless mission to find my adopted brother. This past July, after the birth of my second grandchild, I contacted my mother in a showdown of sorts and to cut to the chase, found my brother in just about 2 hours! Most of the information I had been given over the years turned out to be incorrect.
The ironic part is that he is exactly where my mother left him 55 yrs ago!
He had signed up on many forums and web sites looking for his biological mother. He knew he may have had a brother but had no idea he had a sister as I was born a year after him.
To describe how I feel now that we have been talking to each other for the past 60 days is surreal. I instantly had a extremely close bond with him and felt an immediate overwhelming connection. We have talked for hours and hours, we email and have traded pictures and stories, over and over! He has talked to our mother a few times but unfortunately our father passed away 10 yrs ago.
We have not met yet although he wants to as soon as possible (He lives on West Coast, I live on East Coast). Now for the crazy part......
You would think I would just jump on a plane and rush to meet him in person, which is all I have thought about for 40+ years. That is not the case. I am in such chaos about meeting him. After much soul searching and thought, I think the thought of possibly meeting him and then losing him again is so overwhelming, I cannot get past it. I am sure you might find this hard to believe after my search for so long , but it's true. I am getting more comfortable with the thought but am still very torn.
What I can tell you is that I know I love him,I feel the brother/sister bond between us and I want to believe that I will know him for the rest of my life! The only wish I have ever had was that I found him sooner. So by all means search for your sibling! I know sometimes it doesn't turn out so well BUT that should not stop you. To think my brother was searching for so many years for just one blood relative, kills me to think about it. Please search and don't give up!