Help with wedding arrangements

Susie_Q

So I need some advice from objective outsiders. Myself and my boyfriend are planning on getting married next year and are trying to make plans as to what to do, as we don't want a traditional wedding. I'm worried that the day(s) will be ruined if our parents meet as I am sure that they will clash. My boyfriends parents are separated - because his Dad is gay. My Dad is is a notorious homophobe. He's not a bad person, he is just of that generation where homosexuality was so buried that it might not have existed.

My boyfriend's Dad is very heavily reliant on his sexuality for his identity, to the extent that he will constantly talk about gay venues, gay art, gay this, gay that. Doesn't bother me but it would clearly be impossible for my Dad NOT to find out he is gay. This could be a huge problem as I'm very very close to my father and I want him there for dancing and drinking and enjoying the day. I don't blame my Dad for his feelings on homosexuality, he is a product of his upbringing and is ridiculously stubborn so is unlikely to change his views. I could see him reacting very badly to finding out my bf's Dad is gay.

Would it be crazy to just sidestep the parents meeting entirely and have, say, a fancy dinner with the boyfriends family one night, a dinner with mine another night and then a big party for our friends another night? Would it be very weird if our parents didn't meet? I should mention that both my parents have met his mother before.

Any suggestions or thoughts appreciated, I can't seem to think of any other solution except to keep them apart. If we were to have a wedding with them together I could easily see myself getting so stressed I would have a miserable day.

m@cc@

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask both fathers to make a sacrifice for both you and your OH's special day. Maybe ask your OH's dad to tone down the gay-related chat and your dad to bite his tongue. Run it by them and see what they say. You're going to have to explain the situation at some stage anyway.

StillWaters

Both sets of parents are going to have to meet at some stage. But it seems madness to have the first meeting at your wedding.

Can you not arrange a meeting sooner (meal out to celebrate engagement?), see how they all get on, and then decide?

R.D. aka MR.D

You say your close to your dad? Well then why not just say it to him. Ask him to be cool with it just for your day.

If your OH feels that his father would make him uncomfortable then he should do the same thing.

This day is about the two of you and your parents should respect that. I’m sure as is the case with most ‘products of their upbringing’ your father's bark will be worse than his bite. You shouldn’t underestimate your fathers ability to grow especially for his daughters big day.

Ickle Magoo

Tell your dad about your partners dad and give him time to get used to the idea. Have a couple of meetings/informal dinners to get to know each other. I know you say your dad is homophobic but you'd be surprised how many people who were/are fairly horrified about the whole idea of homosexuality who actually get on really well with them when they meet a real gay person.

I don't think it's fair on your dad or your partners dad to allow the first meeting to be at your wedding, with neither having any idea about the other. If all issues were sorted before the wedding, it's one less stress for you as well.

Best of luck.

Riskymove

you really think it would be better for them to meet for the first time at your wedding?? You'd be happy for a scene or falling out in front of the guests etc?

if there are issues for people to come to terms with, surely a bit of time is the best approach


EDIT:

I now realise you are suggesting having a wedding celebratuion where each family does not (and indeed seemingly you hope, never) meet

OP, this would be very unusal imo

the idea that you can get through the rest of your lives without any interaction between your families is a far-fetched one I think

OS119

Riskymove wrote: »

the idea that you can get through the rest of your lives without any interaction between your families is a far-fetched one I think

i don't think its far-fetched at all - assuming that both sets parents don't live in the same village, and the couple themselves don't go in for the 'traditional' familiy ceremonies like weddings, christenings etc... then why would the sets of parents meet?

bumping into each other on things like kiddies birthdays is always a possibility if you decide not to 'manage' such things, but the idea that two groups of people who don't live near each other, and who don't know each other can't exist without meeting each other is daft.

OP, notwithstanding what i've written above, i would suggest that throwing these two in at the deep end and expecting it all to go well in a alcohol-rich environment like a wedding is probably being more than a little 'hopeful' - preperation, groundrules and scene-setting are probably an idea. certainly a 'discrete word', and probably a casual meet-up are going to be the keys to ensuring that it doesn't all kick off.

if they can't manage to do that civily like grown-ups that then just fcuk them off at the high port - if you aren't fussed about the 'traditional' aspect of the whole thing then its just a day out in a nice frock where your respective fathers happen not to be present.

i'm sure you've had a day out in a nice frock before without your old man around, i'm sure you can do it again...

Taltos

Susie_Q wrote: »

Doesn't bother me but it would clearly be impossible for my Dad NOT to find out he is gay.

So clearly it does bother you...

Susie_Q wrote: »

he is a product of his upbringing and is ridiculously stubborn so is unlikely to change his views. I could see him reacting very badly to finding out my bf's Dad is gay.

But - I fail to see how this upbringing makes his view any more valid or correct???

Look - how do you want to start out your married life?
a) insulting your OHs father - by asking him to "tone it down" - effectively telling him that you do not like how he is.... FYI - this also insults your OH - he may now feel ashamed of his father - have you considered this being the result...
or
b) inform your father that your OHs dad is gay. And arrange for them to meet before the wedding. Stress to your dad how important it is that you all get on.

It really should not be that big of a deal. If your father loves you then he should be able to put his bigotry to one side for a day. But do you really want them to meet for the first time on your wedding day? That is a recipe to stress for you both - so don't try that route.

dublingal80

OP-if i was in your situation firstly i would want both sets of parents to meet before the wedding.

I would also let my dad know about the o/hs dad and ask him to just be nice to him, for me. and being your dad he will, because he loves you and would doanything for you

Riskymove

OS119 wrote: »

i don't think its far-fetched at all - assuming that both sets parents don't live in the same village, and the couple themselves don't go in for the 'traditional' familiy ceremonies like weddings, christenings etc... then why would the sets of parents meet?

really? I mean ok if they live abroad or different ends of the country but even then I think it would become clear that they were deliberately being kept apart

what about

funerals? illnesses? kids being born? times of general trauma or importance to families

you are saying these two sets of parents wouldn't want to be involved or help at such times?

as well of course as the natural curiosity and generally friendliness that would drive each to know the other



even apart from all this I think both parties would likely be offended and upset if it ever became clear that things had been organised to such an extent purely on the basis that (a) one of them is gay and (b) another cant be trusted to react in a mature fashion to this

OS119

Riskymove wrote: »

....what about

funerals? illnesses? kids being born? times of general trauma or importance to families

you are saying these two sets of parents wouldn't want to be involved or help at such times?

...even apart from all this I think both parties would likely be offended and upset if it ever became clear that things had been organised to such an extent purely on the basis that (a) one of them is gay and (b) another cant be trusted to react in a mature fashion to this

not everyone has the same relationship with their wider families - not everyone invites their wider families to take part in their lives. not everyone lives a life where their wider families turn up univited because they think they have something to contribute.

i'm not suggesting it as a course of action, its a bit of a pain sometimes and there are difficulties involved - but sometimes its either neccesary or its just what people want, and being adults, they can make their own decisions about how they run their lives.

personally i'd not be that fussed about offending a bigot - even less one who couldn't be trusted to keep his gob shut for a few hours.

Riskymove

OS119 wrote: »

not everyone has the same relationship with their wider families - not everyone invites their wider families to take part in their lives. not everyone lives a life where their wider families turn up univited because they think they have something to contribute.

true..... but I'd hope there are far more people who do have wider family involvement than are planning to spend the rest of their lives ensuring they do not meet

MistyCheese

OS119 wrote: »

not everyone has the same relationship with their wider families - not everyone invites their wider families to take part in their lives. not everyone lives a life where their wider families turn up univited because they think they have something to contribute.

But your mother and father are not extended or "wider" family, they are immediate family.

OS119

MistyCheese wrote: »

But your mother and father are not extended or "wider" family, they are immediate family.

depends on your view - for me personally, once i was married/had kids, they were 'wider' family. they weren't the fulcrum around which all else revolved, so they became less immediate.

it, imv, depends very much on the relationship you have with them - if you don't have anything to do with them then they aren't really your family, wider or immediate, if you see them a few times a year and exchange christmas and birthday cards but aren't that fussed if you haven't spoken to them in a month, then its difficult to describe them as 'immediate family'.

my wife and kids are my immediate family, it is them i consider first, second and third - its us who live together and face the world, we are a 'nuclear family, so anyone outside of that else is 'wider'...

Ickle Magoo

OS119 wrote: »

depends on your view - for me personally, once i was married/had kids, they were 'wider' family. they weren't the fulcrum around which all else revolved, so they became less immediate.

The OP isn't married yet so may still view them as immediate family.

My family and my in-laws live in separate countries and still see each other from time to time so I think deliberately going down the route of keeping them separate would be more hassle than it's worth, especially given the cause.

OS119

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

The OP isn't married yet so may still view them as immediate family.

yeah, absolutely - but thats for her to decide, not me, and not anyone else.

and she is getting married, the dynamics of her family relationships will change - especially if a 'traditional' set-up is going to be a pain in the arse - so why does it seem so heretical to suggest that there's likely to be a distinct loosening of the apron strings?

Riskymove

OS119 wrote: »

so why does it seem so heretical to suggest that there's likely to be a distinct loosening of the apron strings?

over-sensitive much?


I'd say there's a big difference being 'a loosening of apron strings' as you put it and decidign that your parents are no longer part of your immediate family and can be happily excluded from your 'nuclear family' for ever more!!

Nevyn

You need to tell your father that your husbands to be father is gay/bi and in a relationship with another man. You need to tell him that you love him but you want your husbands to be's father and partner to be welcome at your wedding and for the day to not be marred by anyone.

Ickle Magoo

OS119 wrote: »

yeah, absolutely - but thats for her to decide, not me, and not anyone else.

and she is getting married, the dynamics of her family relationships will change - especially if a 'traditional' set-up is going to be a pain in the arse - so why does it seem so heretical to suggest that there's likely to be a distinct loosening of the apron strings?

I haven't noticed anything heretical tbh and while I agree its obvious dynamics change, as I've said already; despite my parents and in-laws living in different countries it would be more hassle than it's worth to try to ensure they don't meet and nobody that knows one meets the other. The OP may well be saving herself a life-time of hassle - and resentment from her other-half - by not going out of her way to facilitate her homophobic father.