What does it mean to work on yourself?

LegacyUser

I hear people saying this all the time when it comes to difficulties with relationships. I have been told i pick the wrong guys. But I don't think I actually "pick" them, they "pick" me. In that case I'm attracting the wrong types then, which also makes no sense to me, how do you attract the wrong men.
And then you get the whole you need to work on yourself first, How?
I dont know if this makes much sense but..

LegacyUser

When people say you have to work on yourself first before you meet the right person, it means that you have to figure out what you want in a partner. What are your boundaries etc.
For example : what would you do if your new boyfriend didn't contact you for a week, then texts you at midnight on Sat looking to 'sleepover'?

Most women would be annoyed if they received a text like that from a new guy they barely know because it means that he wasn't bothered until he went out, failed to score, and texted yours truly as his fallback option.

A girl who is a pushover would either be

1. not annoyed at being ignored for the best part of a week, and then getting a text at midnight on a Sat night
2. annoyed but is unsure whether she has a right to be annoyed and so lets him stay over

A girl who knows her boundaries have been crossed would tell him where to go, switch off her phone for the remainder of the night, enter his number under the name 'headwrecker' and never contact him again.

If you know your boundaries, then you know when they've been crossed. And it's waaaay easier to separate the time-wasters from the genuine folk

username123

My take on working on yourself is examining the flaws in yourself and trying to improve them. Sometimes people with issues (self esteem issues, boundary issues, etc) pick other people with even worse issues and use them to hide behind so then they dont have to address themselves.

What can also happen is that you send out the wrong signals subconsciously and end up attracting the wrong guys all the time - so perhaps you send out needy, easy, low self esteem, low self respect type signals, and if you do then there must be an underlying reason why, so you work on yourself to find out why.

Or maybe you always go for someone you can 'fix' or dancing a familiar dance from childhood or teenage experiences where you were treated badly by a bad male role model or boyfriend and you are stuck in the rut of chasing the same all the time.

Ickle Magoo

selfesteem wrote: »

I hear people saying this all the time when it comes to difficulties with relationships. I have been told i pick the wrong guys. But I don't think I actually "pick" them, they "pick" me. In that case I'm attracting the wrong types then, which also makes no sense to me, how do you attract the wrong men.
And then you get the whole you need to work on yourself first, How?
I dont know if this makes much sense but..

Are these guys becoming your boyfriend? In which case you are picking them to have a relationship with, despite whoever initiated contact. I don't think it's so much to do with attracting the wrong type and more just a case of being aware what the wrong type is and not getting involved with them.

How do you work on yourself? Work out what you want in life, what makes you happy, where you want to be and get a plan to get there. Work out what your ideal man and healthiest relationship would consist of - then make sure you settle for nothing less. Working on yourself in relationship terms, to me, means being happy enough in your own skin and having sufficient self-esteem that getting into unhealthy relationships aren't an issue because you run a mile from them.

Best of luck