Having trust issues...

LegacyUser

Hi,
Ok so myself and himself are together 3 years in our twenties, normally good relationship lately I feel like I can't trust him and ignored by him.

So he has 3 weeks off work and decided to go to his home place 1 hr away.
(works and lives in my area). I didn't mind, he had a lot of matches and training, made sense to be at home, except he's come back up to see me twice.. I've finished college for the summer I thought at least we would spend a few days together either away or at home..

The only real contact has been text messages during the day and then drunken phone calls at weekends. Last tuesday after the bank hol I couldn't get in contact with him at all, knew he had been out that weekend. He said he was in bed dying..and he would visit me. Came down wednesday, thought he was acting strange and he never spoke about the night out, except to say he and friends ended up in a hotel in another town and went out. Also, I now think he came down mainly to pay rent that day..

I was suspicious...and against better judement checked his emails Saw he had 2 friend requests from girls I didn't know. So I went on MY facebook and did a quick search to see if he had mutual friends with them he had none (I did, but that was just very random). They were both 18 or 19 so I thought it was odd that they would know him. Went on one girls page and there were pictures of a night out that bank holiday, him and his mates with 4 or 5 girls. Then, him in his jocks!! Apparently 6am they decide to go for a swim on the beach with these girls, boyfriend and some other eejit half naked.. I was fuming!!

Of course I couldn't say oh I logged onto your email there, so just was texting him saying I didn't think he was being v honest etc about when he goes out. So after another weekend of drunken phone calls, I was being v short with him, came down to see me today. He logged onto facebook while I was upstairs (he rarely goes on it so I knew he'd see friend requests then), He was being very coy, but I said nothing. I had a day off, only a quick dentist appointment thought we'd at very least go for a drive.. ended up watching some world cup game ffs.. I suggested we go to the beach, he then says "Ah sure I've been swimming already this year" joking, I asked when and he said "Sure I told you, when I was at XYZ" I told him he never mentioned that (obviously trying to cover his ass!!) I said I thought he was trying to hide something and now he was afraid I find out, he just laughed and said I was paranoid..


I'm just so mad, course he's gone back home now. I want to say something but don't know how.. I don't want to be a fool for him. Am I being too nosey or should I not put up with that behaviour?

Sorry if it's long and any insight appreciated

seenitall

Is this immature non-committal boy really worth so much fretting about?

In all seriousness, if you exchanged him tomorrow for another immature non-committal boy, I really doubt you'd notice the difference...

On the other hand, maybe I am just too jaded (I probably have 10-15 years on you). Sorry.

all4nothingxx

Hey op

Im sorry to hear you are going through all this... i have been through something similar recently and am afraid to say my gut instinct was right... My ex was behaving in similar ways not mentioning anything bout nights out without me, wasnt tat interested in doing things together towards the end e.t.c......But there may be just something innocent behind your situation.....
The only way to settle your mind is just ask him is everything ok between ye?? start the conversation off that way rather than accusing him outstraight... he may also feel a bit disrespected if you went through his e-mail if nothing is goin on.....
I really hope eveything works out for you...

LegacyUser

I'm not sure what the first reply meant..?

I don't want to say I know about the pics on facebook because he would be pissed off I looked at his emails, though he knows I know his password... But at the same am I suppossed to just let it slide and say nothing?

Taltos

Why not be a bit devious...

Print out the photos - post them to yourself with a printed note - see what your BF has been upto - post a set to him and another set to you - with a note in his letting him know that you have sent them to you too...
I know a bit ott - but why not have some fun with it...

Think the first poster is concerned that while you accept behaviour like his nothing will change. So from what you have written so far there is a chance you may end up dating someone else who is so obviously immature.

I am unsure what else you need here.
1) Gut feelings
2) Facebook photos
3) His lying...

1 & 2 - could just write off as being jealous
But - him lying - that is what you need to get to the bottom of.

blairbear

In all fairness, if you have friends in common with these girls, even if it is random, then it's not entirely outside the realm of possibility that you could happen upon the photos "accidentally". The amount of times I've ended up on some randomers page that I've zero interest in, just out of boredom or idle curiousity etc.. And for all he knows you could have a good friend in common with this girl.. It'd be easy enough to come with an excuse as to why you saw the photos without admitting to the snooping, and without sounding crazy or paranoid. (Like I saw her on X's page, liked her dress in her profiler, went through her photos for a better look at it, that kinda thing.)

I think the first poster meant that your boyfriend sounds rather interchangeable with several other young men his age who are total messers. At 27, I'd tend to agree with that. I've dated or come across so many guys who constantly had my back up, worrying about what they were up to, until I finally realised that I didn't have to live like that and there were guys who wouldn't make me feel that way.

All the worrying in the world won't change his behaviour. If he wants to be dishonest, he will be. You need to talk to him about this, but definitely come up with a way of approaching it that doesn't let him go on the defensive. That will give him an excuse to get angry, storm off, play the victim and possibly concoct a nice little cover story if he HAS been lying.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Taltos, I don't think I could print photos and send them, I don't think he'd believe me. But because he's not all that up to speed on facebook workings I might say, it suggested them as friends or something.. even though I think he has ignored their requests.

The thing is and I should have mentioned before, he has never caused me to question him before, always been very upfront and honest, he tells me when someone was chatting him up or exs have tried it on etc, and I've trusted him 100% Also he's older 27, I'm 4 years younger. In a way I always felt he's more into me than I'm into him, I don't know how to explain it but he's more touchy feely and lovey dovey, very often goes out of his way for me.

But it's just these last few weeks I feel let down and I don't think I'm being selfish in wanting him around when we both have time off. And then him going on a lot of "lads" nights out. I'm feel certain he hasn't cheated, because he's loyal, and usually dependable. But there's still a doubt in my mind. I definitely know if I had no facebook, I would not find out.. Now he's trying to act as if it's nothing, in case I find the photos (?) But he still hasn't mentioned the girls...just that he went swimming at 6am in his jocks..

Ickle Magoo

Havingtrustisssues wrote: »

Am I being too nosey or should I not put up with that behaviour?

Both, if I'm being honest. Reading someone's e-mails are every bit as much of a dishonesty as the lies and avoidance he's been at - you are both as bad as each other. If you are upset he has holidays and is choosing to spend them elsewhere than that needs addressed. If you think he's ignoring you or not paying you enough attention then that needs addressed. If you don't trust what the guy is doing while out then you need to address that too - by talking to him about your fears, wants, boundaries, etc. Spying on him, hacking his e-mail and trying to second guess him rather than talk to him is pointless and self-defeating, if it's got to that stage after three years together then is there really much left to save?

Best of luck

Maguined

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Both, if I'm being honest. Reading someone's e-mails are every bit as much of a dishonesty as the lies and avoidance he's been at - you are both as bad as each other. If you are upset he has holidays and is choosing to spend them elsewhere than that needs addressed. If you think he's ignoring you or not paying you enough attention then that needs addressed. If you don't trust what the guy is doing while out then you need to address that too - by talking to him about your fears, wants, boundaries, etc. Spying on him, hacking his e-mail and trying to second guess him rather than talk to him is pointless and self-defeating, if it's got to that stage after three years together then is there really much left to save?

Best of luck

Agree with all of this.

Ignore any of the other posters suggestions about coming up with convoluted ways of lying to your boyfriend and making up excuses of how you came across this information. You can't be annoyed by his lies to you about what he has been doing with his time while you are doing the same. Be honest that you violated his trust and privacy but that as far as you are concerned it is not as bad an offence as his violation of your trust by hanging around with a bunch of girls. Then the two of you can sit down and work out whether you can forgive each other and want to continue your relationship or whether this betrayal of trust is too much and you want to end it.

shellyboo

So... you're pissed at him for relaxing and having time to himself on his (3 weeks) holidays because you 'expected' to spend time together. Did you, you know, ask him for some time together? Or did you just expect him to read your mind?

As for the swim... drunken shenanigans, harmless fun. I think you're overreacting.

grrrrrrrrrr

Guys need a break sometimes and cant be around 24/7... Get over it, he was nice all along. Wait a few weeks and give him a chance

LegacyUser

Shellyboo, of course I said it to him about spending time together, but he said he had training at home. But he isn't training every night. I'm sick of asking at this stage. While I was busy with college he was complaining we spent no time together, it justs seems one rule for him another for me. I can't see how I'm overreacting

"Guys need a break sometimes and cant be around 24/7... Get over it, he was nice all along. Wait a few weeks and give him a chance " Grrrr

We have spent barely anytime together! With him working and my college work, and I'm not the smothering kind, we always go out on our own with our own friends, it would just be nice to finally spend time together. Waiting a few weeks and he's back at work..

I don't care that he's been out with these girls it's the fact that he's hiding it all and not being upfront, perhaps it's harmless, but I know if it was me, he would be fuming that, first of all it happened and then that I hadn't told him. As for reading his emails, first time I've done it and it isn't exactly private to him (not condoning what I've done at all). I set up that account for him so he could have a facebook, he always leaves himself logged in on my laptop, so I know I wouldn't see anything he absolutely didn't want me to.

Thank you for the replies, particularly Ickle Magoo, I think I need to focus on making time for each other and just ignore the night away for now until or if he mentions it.