what should I do?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one.

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for 18 months. She has a young son from a previous relationship. We are both 30+.

We’ve had a few rows over the course of the relationship and things get said. We recently had a row over something pretty trivial, but it took me a few days to calm down & for us to talk. I know I really upset her by leaving her in a state, but she upset me over the issue we rowed about in the first place. Sometimes I feel like she wants me with her almost 15 hours a day. I go to work, I call to see her, stay with her or vice versa. She looks upon me playing sport as a nuisance, she would like to make plans for weekends and if I am told on a Wednesday or Thursday night that I have a match the weekend she does not like it. Like a lot of blokes I like watching sport on TV. I realise it’s selfish to want to be able to do it all so I don’t – if I have a game myself on a Sunday I’d gladly give up anything on the Saturday to go somewhere or do something.

She also tells me I’m often not much use around her place. I try to keep it tidy, to clean it etc but she says I can’t adapt to her environment. I have my own apartment which I keep spotless and she says I’m just used to being in charge of my own environment, not used to doing work in hers. I’ve also helped with babysitting etc but she says I’m not reliable because if she needs her son minded and I have a game, I’ll play the game.

I love her, I do, but sometimes feel I can do nothing right. It’s like as soon as I solve one problem another appears and after this long problems should be few & far between. She also seem to think that if I come home from work and come into her house I’m tense. She’s very good to me always having dinners ready and she looks forward to me calling in. But at some point during the week I get criticised for not helping out in certain departments or helping out and making mistakes. I say nothing, but after a while, I can't handle it any longer, a row happens, I say things, she says things & I leave.

I’m afraid if this breaks up I’m losing the love of my life and I might never feel this way about someone again. But I’m also scared that staying in this relationship is going to lead to more rows and me heading for the space of my own apartment, freaking her out and making things hard for her & her son. She has expressed doubts also about this relationship working and has said she feels like a fool at how she ran after me in the early months of our relationship. But over the last 9-10 months I’ve found that more & more it is me saying to her (after a row) that I will change and I try so hard to make things work and they can for ages, usually 3-4 weeks, but then something happens again. Usually I’m pulled up on something I say or do. My family are also a bit wary of her as they see what the rows do to me & see me at my place alone. But at the end of the day they’re only trying to help and they don’t actually dislike her, they just hope we can get on. But as soon as there are cracks, both her family & mine can see it straight away as we’re not together. Her family say exactly the same things about me, they really like me, but they tell her if the relationship is not working, she has to think of her son.

I’m so confused on this one. I’ve tried to voice my concerns and if I mention problems that happened a year ago etc, she shoots that down straight away. Yet if she makes a point about something from last year I listen to her point. There are always other inconsistencies where we speak about other couples and how they handle things, she knocks me for saying that, but she constantly mentions one of my friends who she says is very dedicated to his wife. I don’t think he does any more or less than me to be honest I hate the thoughts of living life, constantly being questioned with ‘why did you do that?’ or feeling like I’m a disappointment to somebody.

On the plus side of it, she is one of the most passionate people I've ever met, we are hugely attracted to one another and are intimate with each other 4-5 times a week. I know not everyone can say that in a relationship, especially after 18 months. But I'd just love it if was not so tense and the thoughts of this ending scare me and leave me seeing just darkness off in the distance. I'm not one to fall in love easily so I know it would be a while before I had feelings for snyone ever again. I'm also scared of seeing her with someone else as she is an attractive girl & would be snapped up.

Help me, what should I do?

Redpunto

To me it sounds like maybe she thinks the relationship is at a standstill, you've been going out for a fairly long time and neither being spring chickens, does she want the 2 of you to be a "proper" family, as in living under the one roof. It does seem like you have your life and then you slot her in alongside. Women do get pissy over football etc if they feel its eating into their qualtiy time with you.

Ickle Magoo

18 months seems like an awfully short time to be expected to clean her house and give up your sports to babysit her child. Other than being sex rich it seems a pretty unhealthy relationship in all other aspects. You are entitled to your own life...if you want to see her only three evenings a week then that's your call to make and hers to decide if she's happy with that.

If she is hoping for a permanent fixture & is getting resentful that isn't happening and you want to see her a couple of nights a week then it's little wonder there is conflict. I think you need to sit down and have an honest, frank discussion about your expectations, wants and boundaries and try and work from there.

Redpunto wrote:

Women do get pissy over football etc if they feel its eating into their qualtiy time with you.

That's a crass generalisation but yeah, some women think sport is a waste of time and as such cannot fathom why it takes priority to time with them, sounds like she could be one of them...

RodSteel

A good descriptive post OP. To me she seems the controlling type and the more you will do for her, it may be still not enough.
Arguing is not healthy and the more practice you get, the more there will be spells of not talking etc.
It is also bothering her that you have a bolt hole to go to as you have some control there, so obviously shes not liking that.
If you didnt have your bolt hole and you had no choice but to stay there, it would be quite unhealthy for the three of you.
It may not go down well, but she sounds selfish and I believe you when you say you love her but the signals are not good.
Obviously there are two sides to every story but I am not getting good vibes about her from what you describe.
The fact that she is good looking and you dont like the thought of her hooking up with someone else does not give good reason to stay with someone if it aint working.
I am also thinking she may be using that against you as in a jealousy vibe...

LegacyUser

As a person she offers so much. She loves me to bits she is a great mother and we have often spoken until the small hours talking and laughing. But then small things trip us up. I've gotten texts off her when I've gone to watch matches etc saying 'are you ever going to settle down' even though I'd have told her 3 weeks in advance that I'd like to go to the game. She says she can't plan anything when my love of sport is so much in the way. I've got mates who are married with kids of their own who can go to games and never have trouble with their wives. Give & take so to speak.

As a person she is very insecure. I was recently on a stag party & she was afraid I was going to get off with someone else on it. Nothing could be further from the truth. I had no interest.

We broke up a few months ago and she said things about me, some of which were valid, others that I felt were not. I went back to her & I was really upset & asked her to give it another go. Eventually she agreed but admitted she had kissed someone else while we were apart. She was very honest & it hurt, but we were apart at the time. We also suffered a miscarriage which was draining emotionally but we got through it.

One thing that makes me think it will never work is me doing things away from her. It's like I have to ask permission to do it. She says she's never stopped me from doing them, but a lot of times I've done them (eg playing tennis) it's come up later, or if I do something nice for her before that she just dismisses it saying 'you're only doing this now to escape'.

One problem I feel has been huge though is her thinking my actions mean something different to what I intend. 'if you're doing x it means y' etc. She thinks that what I'm doing means something totally different to what I am trying to achieve. Like if we are driving and she suggests taking a route, and I take my own, she thinks I just think I know better. For me it's just being more comfortable with a certain route.

I know some of my actions have hurt her but some of hers have hurt me too. And then other times I think of it and wonder are we just very different people with different priorities. But any time she's asked me to do anything I've done it and if she's ever needed to go anywhere or do anything I'd gladly step in and help her, eg driving her to an office party & collecting her after she's had a few glasses of wine.

It's so cofusing it's going round & round in my head. I really appreciate all of the comments so far, thank you.

seenitall

Hi OP,

from the way you are describing the gf that you obviously love, I am sorry but it is fairly obvious that she has issues with self-esteem, insecurity and most of all CONTROL (just like another poster noticed), and these issues don't ever get better with time, they only get worse. Unless, of course, the person in question becomes ready at some point to admit to them and address them.

If you didn't love her, I would be advising you to get out of the relationship with this kind of person, it is nothing so much as more head-wrecking and more confusing and more hurtful as time goes by.

However, since you do love her, I suggest that you sit your girlfriend down and tell her that the way she has been treating you in some instances (be ready with the examples that you told us here) is unacceptable in a healthy and thriving relationship. Tell her that things have to change, or otherwise no-one is going to be happy in this situation, and there is a child to think about as well.

Whatever you do, DO NOT progress with the relationship (meaning NO MOVING IN) until you have seen marked improvement in her behaviour, but even then, I wouldn't fancy your chances myself... sorry.

I just happen to know a thing or two about control issues, and I know that love in itself doesn't make everything better etc. The person has to be willing to confront themselves and work on their problem, and some form of therapy/counselling is usually on the cards when it comes to that.

Just remember, OP: you are worth more than needing to be worried if you will get an irate text or be guilted about watching sports or having time to yourself etc, even if it is from the best shag this side of the Milky Way...

Good luck with it all.

RodSteel

You have to ask yourself the question, will moving in with her permanently, solve those controling aspects of her personality?
Human nature says no, in a way it will just focus it more.
Most blokes like sport and what you describe is very normal. Her behaviour is abnormal.
Your relationship sounds quite stressful, relationships are meant to be fun, give and take, compromise etc., otherwise there is not much point in having them.
Her insecurity will wear you out in the end, it will suck the life out of you. If a relationship is working, it should not take that much work out of you as you describe.
Hope this helps...

Posted before noticing post above, well said ^^