How can I handle a "cold" friend when we're out?

LegacyUser

i'm meeting up with some friends this weekend. i'll be calling the guys and a friend of mine said she would call the girls. i thought fair enough and looking forward to it. none of us went out, we all met at college this year. Because of people not being able to commit or whatever, these outings would usually fall apart. anyway, we're all on our holidays now and have plenty more time so my friend called me up and she suggested giving it one last try and if it wouldn't work out, to just leave it so i was cool with that.

the thing is though, one of the girls she said she'd contact and i have a bit of a history. we never were in a relationship but basically, i confessed to her that i liked her (she didn't feel the same, saw me as a friend etc.). i was fine with all that. naturally, i didn't contact her much after that. the problem though is that a couple weeks before, she'd come across as being very cold in her texts and when id send a text, she'd reply back but then ignore the rest of my texts. i helped her out with college work and was always generous when we went out (paying for meals and all that) so i felt that i at least deserve to be talked to properly than having to deal with a huffing 5 year old.

anyway, i dont really care for her anymore and kinda glad that nothing materialised between us. the main problem now though is that like i said, my other friend said she'd invite her to this outing so i dont know what to do. since its meant to be for a bit of craic and all, everyone will be talking with everyone sort of thing and i just dont feel like hanging out with that girl so what im asking is, should i tell my friend that im not comfortable with this girl being there or leave it but if anyone could offer advice on how to handle the situation. i mean, i know i can be civil but my definition of civil is dont speak to X unless spoken to and be brief. i can do that if it were just me and her or if i was out with good friends since id have more credibility but like i said, we, as a group, hardly know each other and im just worried that my attitude towards this girl may give a bad impression to the other people im out with. i dont want to pretend like everything is ok and be friendly with her because i dont believe in that because of my dignity. so what should i do? thx

LegacyUser

handlecoldfriend wrote: »

the thing is though, one of the girls she said she'd contact and i have a bit of a history. we never were in a relationship but basically, i confessed to her that i liked her (she didn't feel the same, saw me as a friend etc.). i was fine with all that. naturally, i didn't contact her much after that. the problem though is that a couple weeks before, she'd come across as being very cold in her texts and when id send a text, she'd reply back but then ignore the rest of my texts. i helped her out with college work and was always generous when we went out (paying for meals and all that) so i felt that i at least deserve to be talked to properly than having to deal with a huffing 5 year old.

In fairness you sound more like a five year old than this girl does. If you didn't like the fact she wasn't replying to all of your texts, why did you ask her out? If you think she was being cold, why did you ask her out? It looks like you're annoyed she turned you down, you're trying to hide it but now you're looking for ways of being annoyed at her without seeming to be annoyed about her turning you down. You really shouldn't have helped her with her college work or pay for her meals if the only reason for doing it was to get her to like you in a romantic sense. The reason I say this is because if it doesn't work out, you feel like you've been cheated. If she actually asked you to pay for meals etc, well then she's a user. If you offered to pay, then you've no-one to blame but yourself.

It's not nice to be turned down. But take it for what it is, she wasn't feeling it and let you know. Would you prefer if she led you on by saying she's not sure blah blah, shafting you for meals etc, and then dumping you when someone she had a connection with came along?

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply. although its only been a couple months since i told her, i do feel im over her. i did feel down for a while when she rejected me but i see her differently now. im not bitter about the paying for meals thing. its just a genuine mistake on my part that i learnt from so i should watch my pocket a bit more in future to keep things more balanced. as for the college work, i only offered once but ive helped her out a few times when she asked. one time, she was very rude with me but i helped her out anyway because i said i would before i told her how i felt so wanted to keep my promise.

im just bothered now because of that. after those first two weeks where everything was seemingly great, she'd only contact me to ask for help with any subjects but she wouldn't reply to any of my texts, maybe once in a blue moon she would but even then, they'd be cold. only a few days after i told her how i felt, she contacted me asking for help with study for something. i just felt it was insensitive on her part but i did it anyway because that was the one time when i had agreed to a while before.

anyway, im veering off on a huge tangent here. all my mates and family thought i was a fool for asking her out in the first place because they thought she was treating me like crap and i was just taking it.

im just trying to think now what to do come friday night. do i just act like nothing happened or act differently around her?

Good Advice

ok this girl sounds like a stuck up you no what...not nice to be turned dwn but if a guy told me he liked me and i didn feel d same i wudn ask him to help me with college work thats just cruel when she nos how you feel...dont let her ruin your night she might not even go ..if she does be cival and just dnt spend too much time talking to her and if shes cold to you it wont be you ppl will b getting a bad feeling off it will be her so dont worry

Eve_Dublin

Any chance she could be being "cold" towards you because she doesn´t want to lead you on and give you the wrong impression? Some guys (not suggesting you) can take a no for a potential yes and can mistake someone being friendly towards them as flirting. As I said before, I´m not suggesting this is what you think but lots of girls have encountered guys who think that way and are wary that all guys will feel the same.

Was she always this cold or only since you asked her out?

R.D. aka MR.D

I would say don’t potentially mess up any relations. After all they might ‘choose’ he over you. Go and have fun and don’t speak to her except the brief hellos etc and if she’s asking for help or anything like that then pretend your busy. Don’t be rude but don’t be friendly.

However, I agree with the poster who said she might not want to lead you on but it wasn’t good of hr to ask you for help either.

LegacyUser

Good Advice wrote: »

ok this girl sounds like a stuck up you no what...not nice to be turned dwn but if a guy told me he liked me and i didn feel d same i wudn ask him to help me with college work thats just cruel when she nos how you feel...dont let her ruin your night she might not even go ..if she does be cival and just dnt spend too much time talking to her and if shes cold to you it wont be you ppl will b getting a bad feeling off it will be her so dont worry

Agree with this post.

I might have agreed with the other post suggesting she was cold as she didn't want to lead you on.. but then why ask for help with college work, why didn't she just ask someone else? Just be civil and try and steer clear of her.

Btw have you posted about this girl before? story sounds familiar from PI

LegacyUser

well, no, she started being cold to me about two weeks before i told her i liked her. to be honest, i told her because i was still clinging to a bit of hope because things were great before then and also to relieve some confusion about whether she liked me or not.

Just to make things a little clearer for the next paragraph, i'll give each girl a name.
jane = girl i like, louise = other girl coming out with us, mary = girl who initiated it all and mick = an old friend of mine.

the worrying thing about this outing now is that i cant seem to reach any of them. only mary who initiated the whole thing i was able to talk to. she said that jane and louise are going. she said that she has some things to do tomorrow night before meeting up so she said that the two girls will organise it and let me know. so i called the louise the next day to ask what they'd decided, she said that she hadn't talked to jane yet and thought that mary was going to plan where we'd meet. so i called mary back and she said that there must've been miscommunication so she said i should contact jane.

before i told jane i liked her, i told mary a while ago that i did. the reason was because of some college project we had to work on and setting up the groups. i don't think jane has told mary about me telling her that i liked her because whilst i was talking to mary, she suggested that it would be a good chance to gauge jane to see if she liked me and maybe tell her then. to be honest, i didn't want to tell mary what happened i guess out of keeping face. i'd just feel very embarrassed about it if she knew. she suggested that i should call her and organise where to meet up with her. anyway, as much as i didn't want to, i called jane. rang out and got voicemail so left a message explaining the situation. so it was the next day and she didn't get back to me. i sent a text to louise and mary to ask them if anything was decided. louise didn't reply back, mary didn't reply back. so a few hours later i called mary to ask if anything had been planned. she said that she had received my message but she didn't provide any reason to why she didn't reply (e.g.: no credit, busy etc.) and i explained to her that i couldn't reach jane. she said to me to decide on the place so i had been talking to mick earlier and he suggested a place so i thought we could go with that. anyway, i called jane and louise, both not answering and left a voicemail on each telling them the time and place. i've decided to wait now and see how they respond tomorrow. i can trust mick will go with me tomorrow so i'll go with him and see what happens. in a way, i'm hesitant to go because if they don't show up, i'll look bad in front of mick and he might think there is a serious reason why they didn't want to meet me and like i said, although he's an old school friend, we don't know each other all that well so i wouldn't have much credibility as such.

mick doesn't know the situation between jane and i as we're not really close but he's sound and i thought that instead of me being with three other girls, it would be a little more balanced with him around and i haven't seen him in ages anyway so it would be good to see him again.

kmick

You are over thinking it. Go out have a good time. That girl was probably ignoring your texts so you did not get the wrong idea. Thats the way it works when the interest is one way.

Good Advice

thats weird there not replying or have they replied since? these girls seem up to something now i heard the full story

LegacyUser

well, nothing happened in the end. l said she couldn't go because a family friend had just passed away today. i passed on the news to mary. mick said he couldn't make it. jane, haven't heard from her for days but i had already left a couple voice messages so i felt that she should be the one getting back to me but she never did. anyway, talked to m later that evening and told her that maybe to leave it to another time so she called me back and asked if j was still going, i told her i didn't know since she never got back to me. she said she tried contacting j but got no reply either so i think i was being unfair to l and m in thinking that something was up. i got the feeling that everyone's reasons were genuine so i left it at that. thanks for the replies folks and sorry if i made your advice seem to go in vain. i'll definitely consider it for future encounters though