Difficult Situation...

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I have been with my bf for about 10 months, both living and working in Dublin. Last week, my bf revealed that he has slept with a large number of prostitutes in the past (before we got together). The revelation came as a major shock. I felt a little disgusted at the thought and I worry that I don't measure up physically to these women. He explained that he used prostitutes at difficult times in his life and still feels very guilty. He has assured me that he never thinks about these women and would never compare me to them. I am considering ending the relationship because I don't think that I can handle the thought of him with prostitutes. Very confused at the moment and unsure of what to do...

Any advice would be appreciated.....

LegacyUser

freaking out....:(

Victor

Its not the end of the world. At least he is admitting to this and not sweeping it under the carpet like others. Sometimes people are in very dark places and seek an outlet and sometimes its the wrong outlet.

I think you need to talk this out with someone neutral, perhaps a counsellor.

Also, have you both been tested for STIs?

Denimgirl

Would you prefer him to tell you he had a large amount of one night stands with random girls from night clubs? whats the difference?least almost all prostitutes insist on protection, which is a good thing!Although saying that i do know what you mean about freaking out,he's a honest guy though he does'nt want to hide anything from you.Speak with him and ask him did he use protection with these woman.

m@cc@

Sar1986 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I have been with my bf for about 10 months, both living and working in Dublin. Last week, my bf revealed that he has slept with a large number of prostitutes in the past (before we got together). The revelation came as a major shock. I felt a little disgusted at the thought and I worry that I don't measure up physically to these women. He explained that he used prostitutes at difficult times in his life and still feels very guilty. He has assured me that he never thinks about these women and would never compare me to them. I am considering ending the relationship because I don't think that I can handle the thought of him with prostitutes. Very confused at the moment and unsure of what to do...

Any advice would be appreciated.....

Firstly, your reaction is not unreasonable. Of course you're wondering what went through his head as he did this. As a male, I can tell you I've briefly wondered about sleeping with a prostitute but I'd never do it for a number of reasons. One of them is how a future partner would react when I told them. I'm not trying to trivialise the action, I'm just saying that it's something that a large percentage of males have thought about.

In regards to your physicality, only you can really get over that but I will say this much. He's been with you for 10 months for obviously it's not a problem. Yes, in this world there are people who are more aesthetically pleasing in this world but when you're in a loving relationship, your OH is the most beautiful person in the world. Sounds overly romantic but it's how I felt when I was in my last relationship.

The thing you have to remember is that those prostitutes slept with him for money and if he is any kind of decent person, ultimately those encounters will not have been as fulfilling in every sense of the word as when he is with someone who loves and cares for him, i.e. you.

Victor

m@cc@ wrote: »

In regards to your physicality, only you can really get over that but I will say this much. He's been with you for 10 months for obviously it's not a problem.

The "Pretty Woman" illusion is just that, an illusion. There are women in prositution from many backgrounds, old, young, pretty, not so pretty, nice body, not so nice body, sober or junkies, good at sex, not good at sex. I'm not sure if anyone needs to feel that they are competing with a prostitute based on prettiness. Sure, an attractive prostitute may get more business, but there are many definitions of attractive.

I imagine most men go to prostitutes out of horniness, lonliness, desperation, thrill seeking, for venting or in an exercise of hollow power.

LegacyUser

Hi op

Was in the same situation as you. OH told me a he was with a few prostitutes when he was younger. More of a drunk curiosity thing than anything. Someone who they never met sleeping with them. Allbeit having to pay them. I was horrified to say the least.

His 2 brother did it a few friends etc. A lot of men have probably done it in the past and just wont admit it. I asked him to get checked for STIs and he did. All clear, but as another poster stated, prostitutes are probably careful with protection etc. but I would still insist he gets checked out. One night stands are probably more risky.

One night he brought me to where they hang out for business and I checked out a few of them, TBH nothing to look at, a few of them were rather vile. I wouldn't worry that he is comparing you to them, whatever they're reasons for choosing that as a profession, I doubt they would want to take it any further than the sex.

I'm still with him 8 years later and sometimes joke about it, him being a kerb crawler and all of that. But I admire the fact he came clean to me about it and I respect the honesty.

fungun

lots of guys seem to have done this, especially British guys actually [/racism]

Cant see the attraction myself, i more prefer the thrill of the chase & the seduction than paying them to keel over with their legs in the air, but each to their own.

tbf, any place ive been where ive seen them, they are usually fairly manky; never quite like whats on tv!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses everyone, definitely a help!

I suppose I am finding this seriously hard to deal with and understand (Im only 22 and boyfriend is almost 30).

He told me that he had been tested for STIs and that he was always protected during any encounters. I haven't been tested yet, but I will this week. He didn't use street prostitutes but the 'escorts' that are advertised online. I've looked at these websites a few time (torturing myself a little I suppose), the prostitutes are disgusting in that the pictures are so explicit but the majority look like they've stepped out of the pages of a playboy magazine I do think that I'm prob above average in attractiveness but I don't feel that I can compete with them... I also hate the review system they have on these sites, it just seems so horrible to me. My bf assures me that he hardly remembers any details of these women as he was generally very drunk and also finds it very difficult and painful to think about and not at all enjoyable. I can tell that he is eaten up with guilt over this. It was always out of loneliness and low self-esteem.

He has said that being with me is a completely different and incomparable experience because I'm affectionate and get genuinely turned on. He even said that the first time I climaxed with him was a mind-blowing experience, something that he had never experienced with a prostitute.

You ask what the difference between sleeping with prostitutes and one-night stands are..
I just feel that there is something so much more disturbing about the use of prostitutes. At least with one one-night stands there is at least some level of attraction on both sides. I hate to say it but there is also something pathetic about the use of prostitutes...

Its encouraging to hear that you managed to get passed it and are still together eight years later!

Emme

This is a lot more common than you think. Several male friends who have no problems getting girls on a night out confided in me and told me that they used escorts, usually on business trips abroad. The contributing factors were usually loneliness, curiosity and being away from home.

As long as the guy uses protection at the time and gets tested for STIs on a regular basis I'd let it go. At least he was honest with you, be thankful for that and try not to judge him on his past.

fungun

the pics they use in the advertising are just that - advertising. Id doubt if any of the girls actually look anything like that!

LighterGuy

Hey Op,


You have a right to feel uncomfortable here. But what weighs alot here is that he has told you. There was a thread on here a few weeks ago were a girl was on hr BF's laptop and found an escort site in his web history. He was still logged into the site. Claiming to be with nearly 50 escorts (cause he made nearly 50 reviews) .. she knew nothing about this! (thats freaky)


So... the only positive thing here is that he told you. Out of no-where. Which is honesty. In its purest form. In this day and age is hard to find.


I agree with what one user said above. He most likely went to escorts as he was having problems getting a girl. He even said himself "rough times" - thats the number one reason why guys go. I've none guys who had with that very reason.



Only you know if you can move past this OP. It is that type of nature. It kinda would make your OH seem a little dirty upon hearing it. The only good thing I will say is he told you. Rather than you ever finding out about it. Which says alot. .. the old saying "you can forgive honesty, but you cant forgive a lie"

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I totally get where you're coming from, but please don't compare yourself to the prostitutes. Even escorts online use false images - even if you phone up for phone sex, you can end up talking to a man (with a feminine voice) or some old lady who's minding the kids. The industry is all about image and fantasy, but the reality is very different.

Sex to men can be different than sex to women - mechanical etc (not saying it's the same for all - just as a generalisation) - but this isn't to say that they don't want intimacy, and the fact that he describes sex with you as mind-blowing is really all you need to focus on.

I know what you mean about thinking using a prostitute is pathetic and that a one-night stand means that at least there was some kind of mutal attraction (even if you take beer-goggles out of the equation!), but I remember an actor once saying that "you don't pay prostitutes for sex, you pay them to leave" - a lot of guys just find it easier to have sex with no strings or without the risk of texts and clinginess or whatever they think might come from a one night stand.

I don't want to sound condescending towards you, I really don't, but you're pretty young and notions of sex and romance can seem quite black and white at your age. When you get older, you'll see that there are shades of gray in all things. Just remember, he's with you, he chose you, he did not leave you for a prostitute. Don't punish the man for acts he committed BEFORE he met you - you can't change the past, he can't change the past (no matter how much each of you might want to). Just be happy that you've found a guy you love, who loves you and who is honest with you. That really is a rarity and should be grabbed with both hands!

Best of luck.

Emme

Ihearyou wrote: »

I know what you mean about thinking using a prostitute is pathetic and that a one-night stand means that at least there was some kind of mutal attraction (even if you take beer-goggles out of the equation!), but I remember an actor once saying that "you don't pay prostitutes for sex, you pay them to leave" - a lot of guys just find it easier to have sex with no strings or without the risk of texts and clinginess or whatever they think might come from a one night stand.

That's true. I was in a very bad place emotionally after an assault a few years ago and subsequently had a few one night stands which were horrific. Once the guys got what they wanted either they left straight away (if they were in mine) or they booted me out (that's if I was at theirs). I hadn't done many ONS before and was surprised at how callous the whole scene was. In the States they call ONS "pump n'dump" and how right they are! I remember walking home in the rain one night thinking "prostitution is more honest than this ONS hypocrisy if the prostitute is doing her job willingly and isn't being exploited".

Ihearyou wrote: »

Just be happy that you've found a guy you love, who loves you and who is honest with you. That really is a rarity and should be grabbed with both hands! Best of luck.

I agree wholeheartedly. OP, your bf is only telling you the truth about something 90% of other guys would keep hidden from you. Give him the benefit of the doubt, he seems to be worth it.

Taltos

Wow OP - this is definitely one of those bits of news that either make or break a relationship.

I too think that it is a pretty pathetic thing to do - in fact of my friends I only know of one who has used a prostitute - and in his case it was out of desperation.

Do try not to torture yourself too much about this now. As some of the others have said the thing to focus on is - He Trusts You 100% - enough to put it all on the line in order to be totally honest with you.

In terms of why - only he can tell you. But again I would guess it was out of loneliness / frustration - maybe he just craved some human contact - who knows. However - don't go down that rabbit hole - it will just torture you more again. I am sure you are looking at him and just cannot understand how the person you love did this - but look at it this way - he no longer does this - having gone this route it has shaped him and made him the person he is.

I would recommend you both definitely do try to talk this out - even using a 3rd party. At the end of the day only you can really know if you can move beyond this.

Hope you can - I know it is not tasteful - but it was all before he knew you and is not a reflection on how he feels about you.

deniseryan

you are only 22, i am sure you can do better than someone who mistreats women

Emme

deniseryan wrote: »

you are only 22, i am sure you can do better than someone who mistreats women

I agree that the OP is young enough to walk away if she wants. If so maybe she should go for a guy who is younger than her bf, maybe a guy who hasn't travelled much and hasn't as much life experience as her current bf. The reality is that most guys who travel and get a bit of life experience under their belts are likely to have experimented with drugs, prostitutes etc. I don't know if using prostitutes is mistreating women, in a way it is, but if he had never used prostitutes but had beaten a previous girlfriend or was abusive in any way that would be worse.

However, her bf is honest and honest guys of any age are hard to find. She should bear this in mind when making her decision, but if she's uncomfortable with the situation she should walk away now rather than waste any more of her time with him.

dublingal80

he loves you so much that he wants to be 100% honest with you, even if it means the relationship ending.

honestly, i dont have a clue what i would do if i was in your situation, i really dont, but i think all you can do right now is just keep talking to him and be completely honest about how you are feeling and maybe by talking about it more and more with him, you might realise that you do love him and you can let his slide.

The thing is you could break up with him and meet another guy who might seem wonderful, but god knows what his past is like.... honesty like that from someone is rare. just think carefully about it