Boyfriends dual personality

LegacyUser

My boyfriend is the most loving caring person going but he sometimes gets into a temper about things and becomes a totally different person. When he is in this mood he is very nasty & cold towards me and says horrible things. He is never violent however & I truly believe he never would be.

For example, he hates grocery shopping so I normally do this as it's easier on both of us. After work last Friday he wanted to get something for our dinner in the local supermarket & while we were there I remembered one or two other things that we needed & got those as well. He got into a temper about this in the supermarket and by the time we got home he was furious as he said I was wasting his Friday night off and the rest of the shopping could have been done another time. I reminded him that I had a very busy weekend & it wasnt fair on me to have to try to fit in shopping too, especially when we were actually in the supermarket & the rest of the shopping took a maximum of 10mins on top of what he wanted. He went into what has now become the usual tirade of abuse towards me when this rage is on him. I always try to remain calm while this is going on no matter how upset I am but he doesn't like this either. He is a totally different person when he is in this temper and I cant relate to him at all.

I usually give in eventually but this time I wouldn't as this has started happening every 3 - 4 weeks and I'm really getting to the end of my tether with it. I slept on the couch that night and as usual the next day he was full of remorse and trying to make up for it by being extra loving and kind. I have asked him before to consider anger management counselling but he wont and he brushed it aside again this time & said we'd be fine. I was so exhausted by the end of Saturday that I just ended up agreeing to forget about it & to move on yet again.

I love him & want to spend my life with him but I cant live with this cycle of niceness & nastiness over & over again. It's so loving & nice for a few weeks, then a big blow up over something, and then I get the over the top kindness for the next few days. I have asked him that if there's something he's not happy with to sit down & discuss it rationally with me instead of building it up in his head & then going into this temper but he doesnt seem capable of doing this.

Has anybody got experience of this from either side and if so what advice can you give me?
Thanks

Taltos

Family member went through this for years. None of knew what was going on.
Only came to light after years when he was "pushed" too far and lashed out at someone else - not her.

Gave him the choice - anger management or that was it.

He chose the anger management course. But only once she demonstrated that she was serious. Packed up and moved out. After 3 weeks of pleading etc he enrolled himself on a course - and they also started marriage counselling shortly after. It took a while - but they are back together - and happier than ever. We all have noticed the difference - we don't even recognize the person he is now - warm, chatty, and able to hold a conversation.

I guess what I am saying is there is hope. But there is nothing you can do here except follow through on whatever choice you make.
You have to ask yourself though - is it really worth it? How much more of his sh1t can you take before you start hating who is looking back out of the mirror at you...
My family member chose to put up for it for years - and to be honest I really wish she hadn't - yes she is happy now - but I can only imagine at the anguish she had to go through alone.

LegacyUser

My ex boyfriend was like this except there was no kindness afterwards, but I was so convinced that it was my fault or that if I was better/ more tolerant etc I could change him. Like you I loved him with all my heart but he just got nastier and it got to the stage where he treated me with very little respect, but then I didn't think that I deserved any more than that.

God that sounds so pathetic but honest to god its only that we have broken up that Ive seen him for what he is, a deeply troubled man with big anger issues and the hassle that you had with him about going shopping is far too familar to me.

I really though that he was the worlds best, but do you know what? for the first time in a long time Im not tiptoeing around him hoping that I dont set him off, its a huge weight off my shoulders. Really looking back, I feel sad for the me of the last three years.

Anyway, sorry this is supposed to be about advising you. If he is like this now it will only get worse. for your own sake get out, you deserve better.

StarryMoon0

I've been through similar..maybe not as extreme though.
Its head wrecking isn't it.. in the end I thought I was going to go crazy..and yes..you give in because its easier to give in than have to deal with it.

Start looking after yourself..it his him that is doing it, do not justify it (he hates shopping..I hate shopping, but i don't fly into a rage over it, thats not normal) , do not make excuses for it etc etc. If he's going to do it, let him do it and as you say, don't react..yes he doesn't like it..of course he don't like it, he's not able to "pull your string" and it makes him even worse..part of this is because rather than YOU dealing with his anger for him (and absloving him of it) HE has to deal with it (and he won't be liking that).

SO many things I could say, but i don't want to preach from on high so to speak. Is there any other info I could give you which you feel may help?

Nevyn

He needs to go to anger management and get to the root of his anger issues cos atm he's pushing the responsiblities of the realtionship and managing his moods on to you and thats not on or fair.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the replies.

I know in my heart I have to sit him down & discuss the counselling again. It's not possible to keep going on the way we are.

My problem is that any time I bring it up he tries to turn it around & say that it's the two of us that are arguing, not just him on a rant. Also that he gets angry because of things that I do to make him that way. He says that everybody else thinks that he's a lovely person so it's only with me that he's like this. I know even writing this that that's not correct - I'm not perfect but he should surely be able to speak with me reasonably about anything he's not happy with rather than getting so angry. If I have an issue with him, I pick a time when we're both relaxed & bring it up in a nice way & try to resolve it - that's all I want from him.

How do I get it across to him how serious this is? He thinks that we're back on track again after last weekend but I dont think I can forget it this time & I know for sure it's going to happen again. We're going on holidays soon and I'm already worried that there'll be an incident while we're away. Everybody thinks that we're a lovely couple & made for each other as we get on so well together normally, so it's hard to explain this to anybody I know.

thanks.

Nevyn

what to do............ wrote: »

My problem is that any time I bring it up he tries to turn it around & say that it's the two of us that are arguing, not just him on a rant. Also that he gets angry because of things that I do to make him that way.

I bet you a million euro that if you were to dump him this evening and he started going out with someone else there would be the exact same issues,
it is his temper, his rage and his issue and unfortunately until he takes responsibility for his behaviour there is no chance he will change.

what to do............ wrote: »

He says that everybody else thinks that he's a lovely person so it's only with me that he's like this. I know even writing this that that's not correct - I'm not perfect but he should surely be able to speak with me reasonably about anything he's not happy with rather than getting so angry. If I have an issue with him, I pick a time when we're both relaxed & bring it up in a nice way & try to resolve it - that's all I want from him.

So he can hold his temper around work mates, friends and family but feels he can be emotionally abusive to you and is blaming it on you?
That is just not acceptable.

what to do............ wrote: »

How do I get it across to him how serious this is? He thinks that we're back on track again after last weekend but I dont think I can forget it this time & I know for sure it's going to happen again. We're going on holidays soon and I'm already worried that there'll be an incident while we're away. Everybody thinks that we're a lovely couple & made for each other as we get on so well together normally, so it's hard to explain this to anybody I know.

thanks.

Start with telling people and getting support, let them know that it is not all good, I know it's hard and can feel like a betrayal but you are going to need support. Esp if things get worse and you have to walk away or take a break people will think there is something wrong with you.

I would suggest make a note of every time he blows up, what it was over what he said and the fall out, so you can see the pattern of behaviour for yourself.

It is not fair if you are managing his moods, waiting for the next outburst, having to be sure to do what he expects or else he will use it as an excuse to behave badly, you end up compromising far too much and it becomes toxic both for you mentally and emotionally and for the relationship.

pickarooney

It sounds like a control issue. The combination of Friday evening and frustration rings a bell - looking forward to finally getting some release from being shat on at work and then being made to do something else you don't want to, feeling tricked into wasting what you see as the only time in the week when you get to decide what you want to do... it's not that easy to explain, and even harder to excuse and it sounds like you're in a situation where he'd rather take out his rage over something ostensibly innocuous than admit that he's having trouble coping with the loss of control (an emasculating viscious circle of sorts).

I'm not going to go into the rights and wrongs of his behaviour as it's been discussed already and you obviously know that he's being a dick, but straight up I think it might be best to let him let off steam for a few Friday nights - some sort of physical activity preferably and see if he feels calmer as a result. I'm not trying to suggest that you should do all the shopping/housework etc. while he goes off and plays but I think it's going to get worse for both of you the longer he goes without releasing the pressure.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

I bet you a million euro that if you were to dump him this evening and he started going out with someone else there would be the exact same issues,
it is his temper, his rage and his issue and unfortunately until he takes responsibility for his behaviour there is no chance he will change.

OP here: yes he has said that past girlfriends were b*tches & gave him a really hard time, so I'd say this has happened before.

LegacyUser

pickarooney wrote: »

I'm not going to go into the rights and wrongs of his behaviour as it's been discussed already and you obviously know that he's being a dick, but straight up I think it might be best to let him let off steam for a few Friday nights - some sort of physical activity preferably and see if he feels calmer as a result. I'm not trying to suggest that you should do all the shopping/housework etc. while he goes off and plays but I think it's going to get worse for both of you the longer he goes without releasing the pressure.

OP here. Honestly he doesnt have to do anything on Friday nights normally. This was a once off and it was genuinely only 10 minutes extra in the supermarket. We usually have a takeaway on a Friday night or go for a few drinks & basically chill out which is what he wants to do. His job is more demanding than mine so I do try to accommodate him by doing more of the housework & having meals when it suits him etc, however I cant allow myself to become a doormat either.

Fox McCloud

What to do..??

I would say dump him. I know thats the line rabbited out everyday on PI/RI but seriously he doesnt sound like a nice guy. He sounds like a horible controlling abusive guy.

The fact that he can control his temper around those who would tell him to get lost if he shouted at them shows: he'l do what he can get away with. You have allowed him to treat you like an emotional punchbag so he continues to do so. Sure he says sorry, words are easy.. but he wont take resposability for his actions, tries to pile that on you and refuses to entertain the idea of getting help.. He's not sorry for his actions. He just wants you to forget about them and stop 'at' him. He wants a quite life with a girl to take his torrents of abuse when he wants to vent and then be all lovey dovey when he clicks his fingers. Do you want to be that girl?!

He knows what hes doing by only raging at you. If you read up on any sort of emotional/domestic abuse its generally secret, the abuser protects themselves with the shame of the victim. He hopes if/when it does come out people wont believe you. By not telling you family and friend and letting them support you your protecting him or rather the abusive side of his personality. Tell your friends, build your support group and leave him and... be happy

LegacyUser

what to do........ wrote: »

he has said that past girlfriends were b*tches & gave him a really hard time

anyone who speaks this badly of their exes should be avoided at any cost. Why did he go out with them if they were such b*tches?
It's not up to you to show him how to deal with his anger. You've asked him to go to counselling/anger management and he ignored your request ie he didn't go and do it. Move out and tell him you will not go back to him unless he enrols in a course and stays in it for at least three months. If he cares for you, he'll do it. If he doesn't care for you, he'll move onto the next poor unsuspecting girl and treat her the same way he treats you right now. Either way, you won't have to deal with his anger anymore, and your life will be the better for it.

Good luck