Miscarried, partner can't understand

LegacyUser

I just miscarried a baby at 6 weeks of preganancy. My partner doesn't seem to understand why i'm upset. He felt it was the wrong time for a baby and was asking for a termination. We have planned children in our future and i felt it wasn't the perfect time but it was here and it was what we wanted, i don't believe in terminations and he knew that. I know he is under huge pressure in his job and with family at the min and i was trying to be supportive of that. I asked him to consider keeping the baby which he did for one night and said no he couldn't do it. So we had booked a night in london this week and we were going to go to a clinic for a consultation. He was extremely keen for us to go as soon as possible while i wasn't. He said he needed the time off work now for a break and needed time alone with me and we'd have a nice break and he'd take care of me. I asked could we do it a different week but he said he would be very busy and it was better to go now.

I lost the baby yesterday and my partners attitude has been one of relief. I'm devastated, i cared for this baby and wanted it and now its gone. He keeps asking me to talk to him and he's worried about me but when i do talk to him all he says is isn't it better it happened this way then the other way. He just seems to see this vs termination and doesn't see how much i cared for the baby and how much pain i'm in. I don't know how to talk to him. I've tried to show him what i'm feeling and he doesn't seem to get it. I really feel like i'm going through this alone.

I decided i would go to london anyway as its booked and paid for and i really needed the night away. I said it and he just said he was under pressure and too busy and a bit tight for money this month and could we put it off for a few weeks. I don't really get it because he was acting like its a mini holiday that he needed and wanted to be with me. Now the baby is gone he has no interest. I guess he was going for just one thing and he sees that as unnecessary as baby is gone. I said i was going anyway because i'm really hurting and just want a time out to cry a bit and come back a bit better. He says too busy, it isn't enough time to enjoy ourselves and he has too much to do and lets put it off. I've said he can put it off if he wants but i'm going and i'd like him to be with me. He's not coming. I feel so totally alone and doubly devastated by the loss and by his distant attitude. He seems to be looking on me as asking when a shopping trip when he is under pressure at work but its nothing like that i don't want to go shopping i just want to get away for a night. I feel like my pain is a nuisance to him.

I don't know what to do or why i wrote this thread. I don't want to talk to anyone else in my life about it as we promised we wouldn't. I guess i just needed to say something, so thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

im so sorry for your loss of course you loved your baby and a loss is a loss, even if its early in the pregnancy, a lot of people don't understand that. don't feel bad for being in pain and grieving, its ok to feel the way you do and i think you should tell someone close so that you can get some support, because your partner dosnt seem to be supporting you at all in this difficult time.

I do think that you and your partner need to have a proper talk about your relationship and about what happened, maybe hes just overworked and stressed and he got really scared by the pregnancy and thats why hes acted so insensitivley, but at the same time, it doesnt sound like the two of you are on the same page at all.

I hope things get better for you OP, and if your partner won't support you i definatley think you should confide in someone you trust or even call one of the helplines. you shouldnt have to go through the pain on your own.

LegacyUser

You poor poor girl. I am so sorry to hear all this.

I think that sometimes people don't realise that once you're pregnant you start to dream and hope and love the baby with all your heart. So when you lose him/her, it's not just the miscarriage, it's the loss of all your hopes and dreams for the baby and yourself. It can be very difficult to understand that.

If your partner didn't want the baby in the first place, I can see how he would see this as a relief and in a way easier to deal with than a termination because the choice was taken out of your hands. It does sound like he cares very much about you by asking you to talk to him, but I don't think he's fully understanding how hurt you are and what a big deal this is.

I think that you should have this time away in London to cry and sleep and grieve and try and clear your head. When you've had a little space, you can then sit him down at the weekend when you both have a little more time, and set it out for him in bullet points if you must! "I was pregnant and I lost the baby. I know we planned a termination but it wasn't what I wanted and I am broken hearted. I need your support even if you don't understand what I am feeling and it does not help when you tell me it was for the best or better somehow this way".

Sometimes, we have to spell out what we need from other people in terms of support. Sometimes it's a case of saying "shut up, stop talking and just give me a cuddle". He'll get it, and you will be fine. Think about going for some counselling if you feel it would help, but don't beat yourself up for being so sad and confused. This is a real loss, and it's normal to feel like this. Good luck x

seenitall

You are in a relationship with an insensitive, selfish manipulator.

No baby deserves to have the person you describe as your bf for its father.

You deserve to be with someone who will love you and cherish you and recognize the horrific pain you are in at the moment, not bail on you once "the problem" has gone away. He seems to be good at playing the good boyfriend role, but it is how he is behaving now that the chips are down, that gives his game away.

GET OUT NOW. You deserve so much better than this.

P.S. Oh, and one more thing. What was going to happen in that clinic in London that you were going to go to for a "consultation"? I smell a master manipulator at work here. You wanted this baby. If you had allowed yourself to be pressurised into terminating a pregnancy you wanted, believe me, you would be in even more pain than you are in now. KEEP THIS IN MIND, PLEASE. Please don't even think about starting a family with someone who is capable of treating you like you are being treated.

Emme

Sorry for your loss, OP. Hopefully you'll be able to clear your head a bit in London even though it's a sad time for you. You're probably better off going without your BF. And I agree with a previous poster who says that a baby deserves a decent father.

StormWarrior

From your partner's point of view, he didn't want it, you were having a termination anyway, and the miscarriage has given the end result without the travel and expense. So I see why he doesn't understand how upset you are. You said you cared for the baby and wanted it, yet you were going for a consultation for a termination.

On the other hand, it sounds like your partner was putting you under pressure to have the termination when you didn't really want it. Maybe he was worried you'd decide not to have the termination at the last minute, and that is why he is so relieved, because now he doesn't have to worry about that.

You sound confused and like you are really in need of counselling. I'd also be worried about having a boyfriend who
a. has obviously very different desires and values to you and
b. who would pressure you into doing something like this.

Maybe he is disturbed by the fact that you wanted to keep it, maybe he feels it doesn't bode well for the future if you were to get pregnant at an unsuitable time again? Or maybe he sees how upset you are now and thinks that this means you certainly won't terminate a pregnancy thaqt he doesn't want in future? Either way it doesn't sound like you two are very compatible.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

I know it wasn't the perfect time and i know that maybe what he wanted was best for us as a couple but i loved the baby and really wanted the baby and i'm feeling just horrible about what has happened. I can't believe my baby is gone, i just feel so so so sad. I know he's under pressure, i get that and i've tried to be as supportive as possible. All i need from him is to come away for this one night as we had planned and hold me and let me cry my eyes out. But from his reaction of well i've too much to do, i just feel to him this is over and i'm just being clingy and disrupting his busy life or something. You know when you just feel you're being a nuisance to someone regardless of the situation? I thought he would be able to support me in this loss. He'd promised to look after me so well afterwards if we got a termination but i feel so completely alone, as though he's turned his back on me now the baby is gone. I'm trying not to cry until tomorrow but i keep bursting into tears . I just can't explain how sad and devastated i am.

His reaction is hurting me a lot more as he's so distant and in my head he is uncaring. I've asked him how he feels and he says he's just worried about me. But wouldn't he want to help me with this one thing if he was worried about me? Its all i've asked from him. I just need to get away from daily life and cry about it and breathe and come back hopefully a bit stronger. I'm so unhappy and i just have this one step hold on to right now and hopefully after the night in london when i've cried it out i will feel a little better and know what to do next, but i don't know now. i'm just so sad. I know he is busy and under pressure and i know he resents me for putting him under more pressure but i feel like i'm dying everything hurts so much, is what i'm asking of him really so selfish and terrible?

I don't see how to go on from this

LegacyUser

Also i just wanted to say that the issue i'm facing is the pain regarding the miscarriage and trying to let my partner see what i'm going through. Its not our relationship or the reasons we were discussing a termination its purely what i'm experiencing now. I posted the termination info to show that we did want different things from the pregnancy but this is where we are now, so i know he's relieved and under pressure but i'm in a lot of pain and i don't know how to deal with that or how to show him. Thanks for advice

It's a joint choice to have a baby and if it's not the right time, of course he's going to be relieved. Is he really being insensitive that insensitive about it after?
"He keeps asking me to talk to him and he's worried about me but when i do talk to him all he says is isn't it better it happened this way then the other way."

He's asking you to talk to him, he's worried about it and when you do talk, he's saying the only thing that in his mind will make you feel better. I'm not a woman though so I don't understand the attachment to a 6 week old fetus.

LegacyUser

i guess yesterday he wanted to talk and to figure it out, today he's a lot colder. i got a few texts asking how i was and saying he was worried. I rang twice and got voicemail and didn't get a call back. I told him i felt alone and he asked why but never replied to the text i sent explaining why. He's doing his own thing tonight and just said he'd text me later. I just really want him to come with me to let me cry and for him to hold me. I know i'm focussed on that now, it just seems like the only way forward, i can't bear how i feel.

None of it makes sense its just how i feel, sad alone. I can't change that its just how i feel and he doesn't get it, today i feel like i'm just a hassle to him and thats hurting me a bit more. How do i get over this by myself or how do i show him how upset i really am so we can get over it together?

ads by google i see you don't get why i would be attached but thats not the point. i was and am attached whether you see why or not so what i'm going through is painful.

LegacyUser

my partner is great and amazing, we're just not communicating well on this and i'm so hurt by it i don't know what to do and i feel he's kind of shutting me out in a way with his busy life coming first. i just need to cry it out and i need him to hold me, i just need to get it out and then move forward. i love him so much but i don't know what to do here

LegacyUser

You said that you both agreed to not talk about this to anyone else. Let your partner know that if you can't talk to him about it, you'll turn to someone else. No ifs, ands or buts. Not responding to your texts or calls is very cold. Yes he's probably hurting and confused right now, but he doesn't have to deal with the physical aspect of the miscarriage and all that goes along with it and he should be moving heaven and earth to show you how much he cares for you right now. Your baby which you were carrying died-I'm sorry but I personally don't understand how he doesn't realise that you and your needs should be his top priority?

If I was in your position, I would go to someone to talk about this, friend, family, counsellor. I would probably move back to my parents too, and have a support structure around me if I wasn't getting support from my partner

LegacyUser

Sounds like he has absolutely no idea what to do in this situation. I think a lot of the time men are problem solvers and possibly he feels as if the miscarriage solved the "problem". I also think that when men don't know what to say or do, they avoid the subject and stick their heads in the sand. I think maybe you should show him your posts here or just write him a letter and hand it to him when he gets home explaining exactly what you've said here - that you are grieving and that you just want him to hold you while you bawl your eyes out.

MissHoneyBun

OP, I'm really sorry for your loss and I truly hope you don't take this post as being harsh as opposed to offering an alternative perspective. However, I would say that during times of adversity, everybody has different coping mechanisms. There are no right or wrongs, just individual preferences for dealing with life's difficulties. Women tend to often reach out, whereas men may retreat in. This isn't to say that either way is superior, just a personal prerogative to which each of you is entitled.

Also, given that your partner expressed no desire for having a child from the outset and even though his reaction may be a little lacking in empathy, his response is entirely consistent with his initial mindset, again which he is fully entitled to. It might be worth sitting down together as a couple and discussing your fundamental expectations as individuals before embarking on any further issues that have have dual consequences for you both.

Nevyn

http://www.miscarriage.ie/

Your hormoanes are going to be out of wack for a while yet, give yourself some time to grieve and heal and then when you are ready take stock of how things are in your life and in your relationship.

LegacyUser

sorry if id din't make it clear in my original post. our 'life intentions' were to get married and have children, maybe one baby maybe more. He felt it wasn't the right time, i guess i knew it wasn't the right time as well but that doesn't mean you automatically terminate. We could have worked on it but he felt we couldn't and for us as a couple the best option was to terminate, we were still working it out when i miscarried.

I suppose what a previous poster said about the physical element of it only being on the woman is right, i feel to him its over phew issue avoided. to me its much stronger. I'm in physical pain and discomfort and i'm very hurt and upset and feeling so alone.

I know he's busy, i really do, i know life is hard for him now and i'm so sorry about that and doing all i can to help. Maybe i'm asking too much but i'm really struggling and i really need a night away from all the crap of daily lives with him to cry and cuddle and come back stronger.

He keeps saying put it off for a few weeks but pain doesn't work like that, i'm not looking for a holiday or a shopping trip that we should wait to have more time or money, i just want to escape for a tiny amount of time. Its hard to be at home going through life talking to people when all i want to do is fall on the floor and cry and cry.

I know he wasn't as attached as i was but shouldn't we get passed this as a couple. I'm feeling so sad and its extra painful because i feel alone and as though it doesn't matter.

Thank you all so much for the replies, its nice, as though i have people to talk to even if some replies are a little hurtful. Thanks

LegacyUser

OP, I am really sorry for the loss of your child. I went through a similar experience this year so I can completely and utterly sympathise with you. I completely underestimated the affect of miscarriage. I'd often heard about women (friends) who'd had a miss and to be honest, I assumed after a week or two, that they were fine.
But now I know that's not the case.
My relationship with my partner at the time, wasn't stable. But I didn't care. To me, this was my child and I was going to do everything in my power to love it and cherish it.
I had a miscarriage at 9wks. I had to have a d&c and was hospitalised for a few days, due to complications.
My partner at the time was also useless. We had talked about termination and he felt exactly as your bf did, relieved. He thought we were better off without a child and looked at the miscarriage as a 'blessing'. I realised very quickly that I had no control over his feelings, I could only feel how I felt. (hope that makes sense).
Anyway, you need to grieve for the loss of the life you had planned OP. You had accepted the fact that you were having a child. I don't get the fact that men don't feel what women do when a pregnancy occurs, although it's obviously a more physical, 'real' feeling for women.
I had planned a whole life around this child - I only knew I was pregnant for 5 weeks of my life, but I knew it for every second of those 5 weeks. And I planned my future based on the fact that there would be a child in my future.
Time is great OP...I lost my child a few months ago now and I can talk about it and write about it, without crying. But I get moments where it's as raw as it was on the day the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. You'll be ok OP. You'll get over this. Take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

Op, though you have decided to not share this with anyone, you definitely can take some comfort from some posters here. The same thing happened to me and you and thousands and thousands and millions of women. Ok, the circumstances vary in each situation. It is an absolutely devastating feeling, to loose something so incomprehensibly precious, something that has no value because its absolutely priceless. Sometimes you dont realise how much you really wanted something until it is gone.


Get Well Soon. XXX

jomc

firstly op sorry for you loss

my gf lost our baby last year. like you it was unplanned and at a bad time. we were trying to decide what to do when she miscarried. my first reaction was phew dodged the bullet there, for about 20 seconds when i could see the devastation she was going thru. i took the week off work and took her down to clare, we had a break from life and talked and cried and came back stronger than ever

it sounds like your boyfriend is still in the phew stage. i dont know why it would take him so long to wake up to your feelings and look after you especially when youv asked. you think he doesnt get how you feel, he does, youv told him so hes either not listening, doesnt care or is burying his head in the ground.

your posts show you stand up for him a lot. why? because your a good person, youv mentioned how busy he is a lot and you seem to be giving him a huge amount of consideration. but wake up he isnt doing anything for you, not even answering his phone. you miscarried his baby yesterday and today he isnt answering his phone?? unbelievable. this night away isnt much to ask for, its the bare minimum he should be doing. you sound like a great girl op, doing your best in a difficult time. your bf should be with you but it sounds like you dont even know where he is.

in short you asked how do you help him understand, you dont, because he wont ever understand. he seems to have no desire to want to or he is just thinking of his own relief here. try talk to him if you can actually get through to him. explain you are upset and feel alone and if he doesnt immediately apolgise and explain and sweep you off to wherever you were going then i would say sadly you are on your own to deal with this whether your relationship continues or not. talk to family, a friend, the website above, anything.

my girlfriend was bleeding for about 3 days but hormones and random outbreaks of tears and severe tiredness and anxiety lasted weeks, you need help and support right now, i really hope your bf steps up but if not look around and look after yourself

LegacyUser

jomc wrote: »

my first reaction was phew dodged the bullet there, for about 20 seconds when i could see the devastation she was going thru.

great post jomc. You were very honest about your first reaction, and I think a lot of men think like this when a baby they weren't expecting miscarries. There's nothing wrong with thinking like this, we all have our own feelings and wishes.
The difference between you and the OP's partner though is that you recognised that your girlfriend was devastated and supported her when she needed it. The OP isn't getting that, and she needs to ring somebody, anybody now to talk about what happened. Even the Samaritans, or any anonymous helpline.

I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through, and even sorrier to see that you're not getting any support OP. Pick up your phone now and talk to a friend/family member and tell them what has happened. You can't do anything about the miscarriage, but you can do plenty to get yourself back on track, and talking to others will help you do this.

How Strange

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

You need to speak to someone about this regardless of what you and your OH said about keeping it to yourselves. He is entitled to make decisions about who he talks to about it but you must look after yourself. You're greiving for the loss of a potential life and you need support. You are allowed and entitled to grieve and feel sorrow and loss.

There are professional associations qualified to counsel you without the emotional attachments that family or friends may have. IMO the last thing you need right now is a well intentioned family member or friend turning your grief into a you v your OH issue. That is another matter entirely and one you'll have to deal with in time. It is a shame that the two of you can't be united in your grief and support each other but that's how it is so look after yourself first and foremost.

Right now, you need to start speaking about your loss and your grief. It's not good to bottle these things up as they always come back tenfold.

dudara

Men and women take different amounts of time to get used to the idea of babies.

Women are more immediately attached than men - for obvious reasons. You carry the child.

He does seem to be concerned about you and your feelings - but as Thaed has said, you are experiencing something he just can't experience.

LegacyUser

OP, I'm so sorry you lost your baby.

Years ago, I lost a baby at about 9 weeks and was overwhelmed with the fierceness of my loss. Thankfully I had my mother to turn to and she was wonderful. I just turned up at her door and she took me in. That one day of being totally minded was just the help I needed to deal with it all.

Is your mother around? Or a good friend? There's no need for questions, no worry of speaking about things that are private to you and your partner. All she needs to know is that you've lost your baby. No need for anything about whether you wanted the baby or terminations or anything.

It's fair enough of your partner not to want all that spoken about in public but you can't keep a miscarriage secret from everybody. You need help.

And if you could get that help, it would take the pressure off your partner. How can he understand your loss? Don't put the whole burden on him.

So let him know who you'll be leaning on. Pick someone trustworthy and close and tell him that you will keep private what needs to kept private.

Denimgirl

I'm so sorry to hear your news and from the way you describe your boyfriend sounds very cold and selfish Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that reacts like this when things are bad for you because he won't change?if I were you I would be re-evaluating your relationship, he does'nt sound like a guy to turn to when your in pain to make you feel better.Take care of yourself.x

MrsA

I am so sorry you lost your baby, it is a woman's worst nightmare.

I do however think you are fixating on this trip to London, it will not take away the pain, it will not stop the hurting and it will not make your boyfriend think any differently than he does now.

It sounds like he got a huge shock when you got pregnant, and it does seem as if he was pretty sure that a termination was on the cards, otherwise why go to London at all.

You have made so many excuses for him so far in this thread, however, I think you need to look at your relationship and see that he is not being there for you right now when you need him most. Regardless of whether he cared about the baby or not, he should care enough about you to help you through this time. I would not be happy if my partner was unable to be empathetic to me during a tough time such as this.

Sure the baby is gone, but, he is still around and he is not manning up at all.

LegacyUser

thank you everyone.

i had a brief talk with my partner last night, unfortunately he feels he no longer loves me the way he used to and is considering breaking up. i don't really know what to do now. i'm in such overwhelming pain i'm finding it very hard to function. i keep having those moments where i feel i've forgotten how to walk or breathe and i freak out and panic. Life was so good with him so recently i don't understand how it all changes so soon. But anyway in terms of my oroginal question of how to show him what i'm going through, i guess i can't and i regretfully have to admit i don't think he cares what i am going through. He asked to sleep in seperate beds last night and i spent the entire night awake and crying.

Sorry for the babble, again thanks everyone

LegacyUser

Wow OP, that's really terrible timing that he's now decided to break up the relationship, but to me this seems like he already had doubts, but didn't realise how unhappy he was in the relationship until the very real prospect of the future came into his life long before he was ready to face it.

I'm guessing he just doesn't feel he's in love with you and only now realises it, going by his lack of emotion for your loss, etc.

He did like a lot of guys; 'one day we'll get married and have kids', following the 'norm', the typical routine. But with the sudden, unplanned onset of the kid part, he's woken up and realised this is not the relationship he wants to be in. He doesn't want marriage and a family one day in this relationship.

Sometimes it takes something like this for a man to wake up and question the position they've been playing in a relationship, or life.

Sorry.

Acoshla

OP I am so sorry for your loss, I know it is a difficult thought but I really think you should leave him (even if just temporarily) and go stay with friends or family, someone who will help you through this. If I knew one of my friend's boyfriend's was treating them like this during such a difficult time I would have them out of there before they knew it, in my house crying, sleeping, talking, and whatever else they needed.

You can't be expected to deal with both the miscarriage and his new feelings, either one would be difficult enough.

LegacyUser

thanks, we don't live together so i'm just heading home. my family would freak if they knew i was pregnant outside of marriage so can't discuss this with them. he doesn't seem to know what he wants at the min, i know he's under a lot of stress at work but as adults i feel you should talk about stress with your partner not ditch them. he is still texting me a good bit and yesterday was sending me a load of messages about how 'hot' he thought i was. he's said a few times that maybe we will come back to the relationship when i'm sorted out and his pressure at work is less. i feel like what has happened became a nuisance to him and he has just removed me from his life to do his own thing and whn i'm over the loss of the baby he may or may not want to get back. I didn't ask him for much, i just asked him to hold me while i cried. Thats all i needed from him but he couldn't do that and then he dumps me. He says he still loves me but not as much. I haven't got a clue what to think or where to go from here or how to begin getting over something like this

How Strange

lostbaby wrote: »

he is still texting me a good bit and yesterday was sending me a load of messages about how 'hot' he thought i was. he's said a few times that maybe we will come back to the relationship when i'm sorted out and his pressure at work is less. i feel like what has happened became a nuisance to him and he has just removed me from his life to do his own thing and whn i'm over the loss of the baby he may or may not want to get back.

OP, I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with this on top of your mc. Unfortunately I think this is how some men deal with crises; they throw it all away because they can't cope with the stress. Pressure in his job is most definitely an excuse. I've had stressful jobs and I never broke up with my OH or used it as an excuse for the state of our relationship. If it wasn't work pressure it would be something else.

Right now you have to think of yourself and I hope you're looking at counselling because you've been through quite a traumatic experience. Please don't neglect your own welfare or needs because of the your bf.

I don't know what to say about your bf. It really seems as he though he can't step up to the plate when you need him most and this really speaks volumes about your relationship.