Controlling boyfriend...

iheartny

Hi guys. Very typical situation here....

Been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He's always has his insecure/jealous/possessive traits but I guess I was stronger before, and could cope with them.

I moved in with him in january - after 2 years together. Now we're living together it's got really bad. I know everyone will tell me to leave him, but because we're living together I am after any other kind of advice...

He is very insecure. He tells me he doesn't trust me, he thinks im chatting up every guy under the sun. the sad part is i love him so dearly, the thought of being with someone else is gut-wrenching so there's no way i would ever even look at another guy.

he does control me a lot now. he makes it known when he doesnt like me doing certain things - seeing friends, going to night school classes - and ive been barred from going out in town all together for his fear of me meeting other men. I'm at the point where i have to tell white lies to not completley exclude my friends from my life. He on the otherhand is free to do as he pleases because Im not really fussed what he does, I know he loves me and have no reason to doubt him.

i know the outcome is to leave him. im currently staying with my mum for some 'me' time and to enable me to make logical decisions without him manipulating me.

i have decided to change my behaviour now and if it doesn't work, then leave him. instead of doing what he wants me to do im going to be strong and tell him exactly what im doing and disregard how i think he will react. i kind of feel ive let him do this to me, so now im going to make a stand. he has been violent with me so i know that if it's getting too much to walk away. im hoping that if he actually believes im cheating when im going out we will come to a mutual decision to split.

im not being a coward here. im just another idiot in love i suppose. i want to give him one more chance. i just wondered if any one has ever stood up to a controlling partner before? rather than ask him to change, im changing my behaviour so i will enevitably change his behaviour.

i am well aware my bf is holding me down and im not going to let that happen anymore. i dont think im even going to tell him of the changes im going to make. is this a common mistake?

rustynutz

If he has been violent to you in the past I wouldn't risk making a stand against this guy, I think you know yourself what has to be done.

LegacyUser

A close friend of mine was in a very similar situation and put up with him for way too long hoping that he would change and her having to tip toe around his moods and accusations. We tried to offer advice but similar to yourself she kept wanting to give him another chance because she loved him but in the long run she wasted another year "trying to help him chance".

Unfortunately in my opinion you won't be able to make him change he can only do this himself, my advice would be if you really do love him to stay in your mum's for the moment and let him see how serious you are and that if he doesn't change than you cant be a part of a relationship without trust.

But the biggest alarm bells for you should be the fact that he got violent with you before, that is not acceptable and you should put yourself first!

How would he feel if every second thing you said was questioning his whereabouts and dictating what he was doing???

LegacyUser

iheartny wrote: »

im not being a coward here. im just another idiot in love i suppose. i want to give him one more chance. i just wondered if any one has ever stood up to a controlling partner before? rather than ask him to change, im changing my behaviour so i will enevitably change his behaviour.

It's not your job to change him. Let him go, YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM* no matter what you might think. As rustynutz said, if he's been violent before you're putting yourself physically at risk standing up to him.

Leave him altogether. Go back to your mother's. Pack up all your stuff. Telling you what to do, being violent, saying you can't do things without him....these are all things that would make anyone walk. You haven't ruined the relationship if you walk (he's done enough to ruin it already). YOU WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE* though if you don't walk.

*keep these thoughts in your mind to give you the courage to go

Fox McCloud

I would really advise against agravating him if he has been violent in the past. If he controls you and has been violent with you then he does NOT love you. Thats not love, so you dont have much to work with here.

Alot of women(and men) have been killed or nearly so when finally standing up to an abusive partner. Sometimes they will have been violent before, others it might be the first time the abuse gets physical there is really no way to predict how he will react cause lets face it, he's not rational. Its not rational to not allow your girlfriend to see her friends,go to classes, etc

Your lucky, you got away now you know that what he's doing to you id not right or normal in a boyfriend. You really love him I get that. I would say the only way you could have a safe and happy relationship in the future would be if ye separated until he acknowldged he has a problem with control and gets help with those problems. The big thing here is that he acknowledge it in the first place, if he cant do that then you cant have a happy, safe life-enhancing relationship with this guy.

Beruthiel

iheartny wrote: »

he does control me a lot now. he makes it known when he doesnt like me doing certain things - seeing friends, going to night school classes - and ive been barred from going out in town all together for his fear of me meeting other men. I'm at the point where i have to tell white lies to not completley exclude my friends from my life.

Barred from going out?
In the process of trying to get rid of your friends so you have no one to turn to.
Hello?!
Sorry OP, you may care for him, he may care for you, but it's a sick kind of love.
Once another person decides it is perfectly acceptable to control anothers every little movement, it's time to run like hell.
It's gotten worse since you moved in. So you are saying it's progressive?

he has been violent with me

What's next?
Don't wait around to find out. Unless you think this is a fine way to live the rest of your life?

Colonel_McCoy

Sounds like your relationship is more of a prison sentence! How can you be happy letting him control you and be violent?

Taltos

OP - you already know the truth.

This isn't love.
This is just all about control.

Face it - would you treat a pet dog or cat like this?
So what makes it OK to treat another human this way.

What can you do to help him change?
Only one thing I am afraid - but I do not know if you will - you have to leave him. Have someone with you - and be brutally honest. Let him know exactly why it is you are leaving him.

Hopefully this will be the eye-opener he needs to sort himself out.
But you have to mean it - you have to leave him. No promises of maybe getting back together - just end it totally, only when he recognizes that he is the one with the issue and takes action to correct that can he stand any hope of ever being happy. And is that not what you really want for him - to be happy? Whether with you or someone else? And while he is with you, I'm sorry - he will never be happy - and your life will be hell.

Glenshane Pass

I agree with the above. Change is possible but you have to be fairly cold and direct with your actions. Leave him, give him the reason. Then maybe he will change.

I don't know the chap, but seeing as people are warning about his violence, whos to say what his reaction will be if you leave him? Just be ready, maybe someone can advise you accordingly. Some exes go fecking mad..

Nevyn

Hang on so what your saying is that due to his issues and his insecurites about not being good enough he wants to limit your life and essentally lock you away in a tower and will get angery when you try to live a life of a normal person.

If you want to spend your life limited by his issues and afriad to do anything to set him of and become down trodden, then that is your choice. It sure as hell would not be mine.

I would suggest seperating from him for a while but still having him in your life if he will go get help with his issues, that is if you are determinded to stay with me.

Personally I would not want such a damaged person damaging me and my life and mental and emotional health.

fungun

For me, some amount of possessiveness/jealousy is something I could work with and work through with my partner.

But for me, violence in any reln should be a deal-breaker, end of.

Micahelxcx

Leave him! I close female friend went through a similar situation. Unfortunately, she married him. As soon as they married he beat and battered her and she never told anyone. He was a cruel, manipulative, immature and insecure guy.
He refused to attend any social functions on her side of her family; go to weddings of her friends; insisted she dress down if going out for a night with her girlfriends.
He was a sadist. She eventually left him. Nobody would believe her when she told them the things he did to her. They all thought he was such a caring, considerate and loving guy.
If you want to avoid a similar situation get out now. And I agree with the contributor who suggests having someone with you when you tell him you are leaving and why? Preferably, Male six foot plus in case of any hassle.

StillWaters

You are in a relationship with an abusive man.

Don't be one of those women who stay and hope it will get better, only for your confidence and self-respect to be gradually eroded as you make excuses, hide his behaviour from others and rationalise his violence

If you stay, his abusive behaviour will escalate, regardless of your behaviour or attitude - it will get worse.

Don't give him one more chance, don't try to change or save him. Your plan will not work, he will become more, not less controlling if you stand up to him, and this is putting yourself in a very dangerous position.

I know this is not the advice you want, you want 'any other kind of advice'. Well you won't get it here, and you won't get it from friends or family (or have you already started hiding his behaviour from them?)

LegacyUser

OP I had to reply something to you, because when I was reading your post, I kept thinking, this sounds like the diary that you'd read by someone before their partner killed them.

I don't mean that to scare you, but you're with someone controlling and violent who can totally excuse their own behaviour, while your's is always wrong. I've only ever heard stories of these situations getting worse, not better, and your post reminded me of some of the horrible stories in the press from the past few years where a wife would be killed by her husband because he flipped over something.

For your own sake, give yourself distance and get away from this person. What would happen if you had a child with him and he was violent but stuck in your life forever?
If he's gotten you to agree to his horrible controlling behaviour in the past, you're going to need some support breaking out of that, so get your family and friends to help you here.

Best of luck and please don't be a domestic violence statistic.
L

Bottle_of_Smoke

If it wasn't for the violence I'd say go for it with your plan about being a real person and not taking his sh*t.

But violence does change everything - by not splitting with him after he was violent you effectively condoned it and he may become violent again.

If you were my friend/sister I'd be advising leaving him with just a note to explain.

Taltos

Have to admit I missed the reference to violence my first time here.

OP - RUN.

Once someone is violent that changes everything and begins a downward spiral into creating a new crushed you. RUN and never ever look back. Ever.

iheartny

Hey OP here. Thanks so much for all your replies.
I don't think it makes me realise how bad it's got until I piece everything together. I worry I'm just overreacting though - but he is violent towards me, and I know I push and shove him too but I would never iniciate violence. He hasn't directly punched me but he held me down on the bed and really shook me and bit my cheek - i thought he'd drawn blood but he hadn't it just left a bruise, perhaps the size of an apple.

i worry if i stand up for myself the arguments will get so heated it will get worse. I just feel guilty because I should have never ever let it get this far. When he told me I couldnt go out in town, I should have just said there and then that he wasnt able to tell me what to do, then we wouldnt be where we are now.

I just hoped there may have been a way we could salvage this. I know he loves me but he has some serious issues which are unrelated to me. I think I might be just putting myself in danger if i return to my apartment.

Nevyn

Then you need to get away from him while he sorts his issues out.
home should be a safe place where you are loved and cared for not some place you fear returning to. Get in touch with firends and family pack up and leave before something worse happens.

paperclip2

OP i hope you take the advice given by the posters and run. Your partner is text-book abusive. He's working to disconnect you from your family and friends which will limit your escape options down the line so leave now.
The violence will also escalate. Of course you push and shove, I would too if someone was holding me down and biting my face.
He wont change, if fact the only changing that will be done will be done by you. I guarantee that if you stay with him you will become a nervous wreck with absolutely no confidence or self-belief and more than likely end up with a few broken bones into the bargain.
Run now while you can still see how unacceptable his behaviour is to you. If you leave it much longer it could take years, if ever, before you get the courage to go.

Ickle Magoo

I would get a large male friend and go and get your stuff or get said friend to collect your stuff and then call it quits. If there is nothing there you are overly attached to, I probably would just leave it altogether.

Holding you down and biting you? That's a ridiculous way to behave towards another adult, it's like something a toddler does. If the guy is so emotionally retarded he's capable of getting violent because you are fighting him controlling every aspect of his life - then there is no relationship there worth salvaging. Do you think it's even vaguely normal to be scared of raising conflict with a partner because of how violently they may react? Absolutely not!

Get out, move on, move up. Find a guy that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Stop wasting your time considering giving an abusive coward another chance to hurt you.

Best of luck.

Fox McCloud

Dont feel guilty for letting it get this far, your not the first or last woman to be slowly edged into an abusive relationship. How all these abusers know exactly how to destroy a persons self confidence, get their vitcims to forgive after an abusive episode etc. is beyond me.. Heres one of many lists of warning signs of a textbook abuser http://www.mvwcs.com/redflag.html
You may some characteristics from the list if not all.

The important thing now is to stay safe. If you need to get stuff from your house try go when he'l be at work. DO NOT GO ALONE. get anyone, preferably a brother, dad, male friend, strong friend.. etc. and tell them do not leave you alone with him no matter what, even if you tell them to leave once your in his company.
Then you have the fun but rather daunting task of enjoying your life

Katgurl

Hi OP,

if you're not dating my ex you're dating his twin

seriously though, I could have written that post four years ago, the accusations, the undermining, the weeding out the friends. The violence started with being thrown down on the bed / against the wall / held against my will / shoved / bitten until he beat me so hard I blacked out. It does feel different & confusing when you're emeshed in a relationship but you have to look at the cold hard facts. You are compromising your safety. You know this isn't how a relationship should be.

My advice for the immediate future would be to pack your bags & leave, get a friend come with you & don't get lured into any private conversations - people like your OH can be extremely manipulating. Don't try and figure it all out in your head, you won't be able to yet, just get out of that situation.

On the longer term, i would seek some counselling. The worst part about a relationship like the one you've described is wondering how you ended up in it. Take steps to ensure you don't find yourself there again.

Best of luck OP. I know its tough but you've got to protect yourself.