Please help me, bf's past encounters

LegacyUser

I've done a terrible thing, my boyfriend left himself signed into his email account and I started snooping through it, I feel so ashamed of myself for doing it in the first place, it was a total lapse of judgement.

We've been going out for 6 months and he had all these emails from around 2 years ago that he had been sending to men wanting to meet up for sex. He's never said anything like this before that would even make me entertain the notion he was gay, but some of the things i read made me cry so much i was sick. Now I'm afraid he's got some sort of diseases from these one night stands, if they did actually happen.

We've both admitted to never having a relationship like ours before, we've lived together the entire time, we're planning our future. But now I'm afraid if I admit what I've done by going through his personal emails he'll never forgive me. I don't want to lose him, I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I need to know what happened.

Please help me, I feel so sick with fear

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP

I think you have to tell him the truth about what you have done and seen and then talk, talk, talk - remember he could be bi or even have been curious, what he did with whom before he met you is his business and I don't think you should now jump to the conclusion he's gay and has diseases.

Snooping in emails is a really lousy thing to do, you know that - but I don't think keeping shtum just so you don't risk him ending things is really an option baring in mind how upset you are and how many questions you now have.

Best of luck.

vicecreamsundae

hey OP, don't freak out!
i can imagine it's a pretty awful feeling when you have that kind of revelation, that someone that you think you know so well has a whole history you don't know about. but i'm glad you havent let this change how you feel about him and you still want to be with him and everything.

really, you're just going to have to bite the bullet and talk about it. have you discussed your sexual histories before? talked about whether either of you have had any unprotected sex, or been tested for STIs regularly?

you should get tested anyway, not because he slept with men, but in general, if you are worried about your partner's sexual past and your own sexual present, then you should just get tested to put your mind at ease. maybe suggest you both go together?

but i'm guessing you also want to know more about his experiences with men and whether they even happened, and whether he is still attracted to men etc. and you are going to just have to admit you read his emails. he might be super pissed. it's even possible he might to end things over it, and even if he forgives you for snooping through his mails, he still might not want to discuss his past, and that's his decision.

Do you think you could remain with him if he refused to talk to you about his past? To be fair, technically it's none of your business who he was with before you. but if you want answers, you're just going to have to admit what you did.

I wouldn't worry about him being attracted to men in the past, if he is simply bisexual, and can be open about it. But if he can't admit it, that would bother me because it could imply he is ashamed of that element of his sexuality, and I wouldn't like to be with someone who was [potentially] closeted and actually gay.

Denimgirl

You poor thing! don't be worrying I think freaking out is the first thing I would do too, and your brilliant to still be holding this from him. I would be telling him out straight I know you abused his privacy but to be honest your lucky you did in this case as you are with him 6 months and he never discussed this with you if he is bi you have a right to know as you would need to make a decision if you want to be with him.he maybe curious are you sure they're not just s*x mails back and forth or is it details of times and places to meet?

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for the replies, I'm calming down a bit. I know I'm the one in the wrong here so I'm going to have to be prepared for whatever he thinks should happen between us.

I was meant to be visiting my parents tomorrow but I can't leave it that long with all the guilt. He works nightshift so I've text him and I'm going to meet him first thing in the morning.

He's always been very vague about his sexual past, I had one long-term boyfriend before him and would be confident (before now) that I had no sort of sti's, we briefly discussed it back when we started going out and he made a big fuss about how he was quite sexually inexperienced, but he didn't go as far as to say he had been tested and if these emails are to be believed he's not half as inexperienced as he's letting on. Sti test is definately going to have to be on the cards now anyway, irrelevant of what he says about the emails.

Now that it's been mentioned, I think the most likely situation tomorrow is that he won't talk to me about his past at all. Thats going to be hard but I'll just have to get over it. He's very quiet as it is and bottles up an awful lot of his feelings, I'm one of the only people he would admit to when he's depressed or annoyed, and now I've broken his trust I don't think he'll be like that anymore (if he even wants to stay with me).

For my part, my decision is resolute, I'll do anything to be with him and if I've messed this up I'll never forgive myself.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

You poor thing! don't be worrying I think freaking out is the first thing I would do too, and your brilliant to still be holding this from him. I would be telling him out straight I know you abused his privacy but to be honest your lucky you did in this case as you are with him 6 months and he never discussed this with you if he is bi you have a right to know as you would need to make a decision if you want to be with him.he maybe curious are you sure they're not just s*x mails back and forth or is it details of times and places to meet?

Thanks for your help

They are definately emails looking to meet up, they have all him contact details, phone number, address, dates and times of when they can meet.
All emails have a sentance from him about wanting/needing to keep the whole thing discreet. There's also a few very graphic details that have mangled my head mostly because he would never talk to me like that.

TerrorFirmer

You don't have to feel like confrontation is an inevitable aspect of loss. More guys then would ever admit it are bi-curious, and being bi-curious, can signify anything from a phase to general orientation, the former probably being more common. But, regardless, even if he was entirely bi, it does not mean that he loves you any less, nor does it mean that he finds you any less satisfactory, or that he considers your relationship any less exclusive or special. I understand that something like what you've discovered can be a shock, but, whilst allowing for said shock, you have to remember that a great deal of people, of both sexes, go through periods of curiosity. But it is a far greater source of embarrassment for men as opposed to women, thanks to general conditioning.

You're not in the 'wrong' here, nobody is, it's only natural that such discoveries would cast doubt, inadequacies and worries upon any individual. But don't draw any conclusions, don't assume conclusions in ambiguous instances. If your man is worthy of both you and a relationship, then he should be okay with talking to you about these issues, and all should still be well.

Denimgirl

Well I think it's best you found out, as he was'nt honest with you about himself, relationships are about honesty,I truly believe everything happens for a reason and it's best you know,as much as it's shocking for you i'd be exactly like you too and think of all the sti things too! as i said i know you snooped and it's a true saying anybody who snoops will always find something they won't like!but this time it's better you found out, would you like spending years of your life with a person with a hidden past he may be faithful to you and these mails were 2 years ago and he may have decided it's not what he is,but i think you had a right to know and it happened for a reason,take care hun and don't be worrying what your feeling right now is normal!say it to him asap!

Boskowski

Sorry I probably get a yellow card for this, but what is it with you women eh? This must be the umpteenth time I'm reading the same or similar story here. 'I know I shouldn't have but I grabbed his phone/read his emails/snooped through his computer/old letters - and now I'm totally freaked out.' And then other women say 'Aw you're wrong ok. But you poor thing aren't you glad you found out?'
WTF?!?
This is controlfreaksh1t. Period. Stop doing it and especially stop (even sort of) condoning it. Please.
And I don't care what anyone says. It's always women on here doing this.

up for anything

unreg2010 wrote: »

For my part, my decision is resolute, I'll do anything to be with him and if I've messed this up I'll never forgive myself.

You are making a rod for your own back! I hope you don't regret it. Stop beating yourself up over having deceived him and thinking maybe he won't want you any more/trust you any more. Think more about the nature of your love for him and whether you can trust him in the future.

You seem to be settling into a doormat role and that would indicate self-esteem issues. Love doesn't make everything alright and I'm not just talking about your recent discovery but your whole relationship. This I will do anything, put up with anything, bear anything for my love attitude is complete and utter crap. In a proper relationship you shouldn't have to. Playing the martyr will pall on both him and you in the future. If you keep giving so much of yourself, he will keep taking it and eventually you will have turned him in a nasty, selfish man.

I'm sorry if I sound hard but I could have written your post myself 30 years ago and I have lived to regret it.

Denimgirl

Boskowski wrote: »

Sorry I probably get a yellow card for this, but what is it with you women eh? This must be the umpteenth time I'm reading the same or similar story here. 'I know I shouldn't have but I grabbed his phone/read his emails/snooped through his computer/old letters - and now I'm totally freaked out.' And then other women say 'Aw you're wrong ok. But you poor thing aren't you glad you found out?'
WTF?!?
This is controlfreaksh1t. Period. Stop doing it and especially stop (even sort of) condoning it. Please.
And I don't care what anyone says. It's always women on here doing this.

Men do it it too!I had a guy hack my voicemail and then tell me about another date I was going on that week!he was laughing and told me what he did!he was'nt a control freak he was just trying to suss me out! I only met him a few times! I don't think it's anything to do with trying to control anybody.

LegacyUser

up for anything wrote: »

Playing the martyr will pall on both him and you in the future. If you keep giving so much of yourself, he will keep taking it and eventually you will have turned him in a nasty, selfish man.

hiya, i feel your words are full of wisdom. i have the tendency to be too 'forgiving' too. and i do feel if you are allowing that, you are creating a monster in that person.

but well, is 'leave it', get out of the relationship the only way to stop being treated unfair / creating the monster?

sorry OP that seems i hijack your thread. but i think maybe you and i will learn from this wise person's advice.

and again, i know some people would bring you harshly for breaking the privacy, but call yourself lucky that you know you are under the threat of STD and gonna check it.

you are in the wrong, he is in the wrong as well, 'cos he should tell you in regards of the STD threat. it's not fair on you that you found out this way.

dishonesty about important information vs. invasion of privacy. well, i think dishonesty is a much more serious 'crime'.

Wagon

Boskowski wrote: »

Sorry I probably get a yellow card for this, but what is it with you women eh? This must be the umpteenth time I'm reading the same or similar story here. 'I know I shouldn't have but I grabbed his phone/read his emails/snooped through his computer/old letters - and now I'm totally freaked out.' And then other women say 'Aw you're wrong ok. But you poor thing aren't you glad you found out?'
WTF?!?
This is controlfreaksh1t. Period. Stop doing it and especially stop (even sort of) condoning it. Please.
And I don't care what anyone says. It's always women on here doing this.

Nope. Men do it as well and I'm a bloke by the way. Two way street.

To be honest, I can see where she's coming from. You don't just look through someone's emails/messages unless you have a feeling something is amiss. I don't think any rational person does it for the buzz. Your man making a big deal about he was sexually inexperienced but she didn't think it was completely right and now she finds out that he was lying about it.

Yeah yeah, i know. What's in the past is in the past. But i think that's bollocks. You have a right to know the person you are going out with. Normally I'd actually say just lie about the number and leave it at that but it's more the way your man has really played up to the idea that he was inexperienced.

Boskowski

Wagon wrote: »

You don't just look through someone's emails/messages unless you have a feeling something is amiss.

This is where I think you guys are wrong. You just don't do it. Nothing good can come out of snooping around IMHO.
If you have doubts over something then talk. If the doubts were justified and it was confirmed by snooping you just added your own breach of trust to the sh1t that's already there. Most of the time I reckon 'the sh1t' can be explained or it was simply too early in the relationship to talk about it, but now you completely put it beyond salvation by playing CIA on what was supposed to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. If the doubts are not justified you may be relieved for the moment but most likely you will do it again the next time 'something' occurs. It just takes so much away from the relationship - lowers the level big time. Don't you see it?

Nevyn

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Thaedydal

LighterGuy

Boskowski wrote: »

This is where I think you guys are wrong. You just don't do it. Nothing good can come out of snooping around IMHO.
If you have doubts over something then talk. If the doubts were justified and it was confirmed by snooping you just added your own breach of trust to the sh1t that's already there. Most of the time I reckon 'the sh1t' can be explained or it was simply too early in the relationship to talk about it, but now you completely put it beyond salvation by playing CIA on what was supposed to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. If the doubts are not justified you may be relieved for the moment but most likely you will do it again the next time 'something' occurs. It just takes so much away from the relationship - lowers the level big time. Don't you see it?

I see where you are coming from. You are trying to take the high road.

But to re-quote your first sentence

Boskowski wrote:

If you have doubts over something then talk. If the doubts were justified and it was confirmed by snooping you just added your own breach of trust to the sh1t that's already there.

Saldy alot of people are liars. Even the most honest people can flat out lie, or bend the truth because they do not want to be guilty, feel bad or face the reaction. No one wants to be the guilty party. Thats why you hear of alot of justification in this world.

Personally, its wrong to snoop if you are the insecure type. However, if i get signals or red flags that something is going on. Does that make me a bad person for checking? ... and if im right? that a person is cheating on me. By me checking their phones is more wrong than cheating and lying?

Nevyn

unreg2010 if you partner is with you and you have a sex life together then he is not gay or homosexual but maybe bisexual. But if he is with you and is planning a future and a family with you then why are you overly concerned about his past?
He's chosen you.

I personally would be upset if a partner kept that they were bisexual from me, but he may have been worried what you would think and that you would jump to many wrong conclusions such as he's gay, or at a greater risk of an sti or that he can't be happy in a monogamous relationship.

Denimgirl

Even though he may be with her and only her now!she should have been told if he is bisexual as thats a whole different story not many woman would like the idea of her boyfriend sleeping with other men in the past, I certainly would'nt he'd be gone! but thats just me!not that I have anything againt gay/bi men i have a lot of mates that are. it's their life and choose what they want to do themselves but the person they are with have a right to know, to choose if they accept this or not also.