Dating women with young kids

LegacyUser

This is one for the guys I supose- would you date a woman who has a child (or children)?

What are your experiences of dating women with kids- do you say no way once she says she has kids or do you give it a few dates to see if it's something that might be right for you?

Also any single mams out there- have guys been open to dating you after you've told them about your kids.

I'm a single mam & havent dated since broke up with ex 18 months ago- feeling like I'd like to get back out there but am scared at how guys will see my situation. Be as honest as you'd like!!

LegacyUser

If I heard mentions of 'kids', I'd run a mile the other direction.

Some of my close male friends and I had this discussion recently and we all agreed it's a definite no-no.

I'm not sure what exactly the scariest factor is.. I suppose a guy in his head is thinking 'oh ****, is she looking for a father for her kid???' or something..

To me, it instantly adds endless complications to a new relationship that should be easy and fun, and IMO, unless a guy seeks drama, they're not going to bring that onto themselves.

A woman with a child would have to be really, really amazing and really catch my attention for me to alter the future I have built in my mind. I imagine one day finding miss right, getting to know her slowly, falling in love, travelling, spending time with her and only her, introducing her to my parents who would love her and appreciate her, and eventually marrying and starting a family together. I can't imagine any of that playing out as I imagine if there's already a partial family there, created before I've even known the woman.

With all the baggage, I would wonder, is the ex always going to be present? Are his family going to be hanging around reviewing the new guy? Is there always a chance she will go back to the ex because that's the father of her child? Again, unless I somehow fell head over heels in love and was blind to all of the realities, I wouldn't bring the situation on myself. I wouldn't risk falling for someone who would carry so many potential complications into a relationship.

Perhaps it's different for an older guy, who has fewer options available to him, or someone who already has children of his own, but for myself and I imagine a lot of guys of my age group (single, child-free, early 20s to mid 30s) we want a relationship to start light hearted and easy, and not come with baggage and complications and daytrips to the zoo with the woman + 1 (her kid), and nights in because she can't find a babysitter.

Sorry if that all sounds very harsh but that's my honest opinion and the reason I would run upon hearing the words "I have a child."

Having said all of that, I hope others will prove me wrong and that there is a nice guy out there for you. Perhaps you need to wait until the child is a little older though to start dating. I imagine that makes a lot of things easier..

ManOfMystery

I know this isn't a conclusive answer, but it really depends on the mother & kid. Some have a very good relationship and are easy to get along with, others are a nightmare.

For example, I dated a girl once who was 6 yrs my senior. We went out for 3 months. She had a 5yr old boy at the time. I get along with children easily so when we were at her house I would fool around with him, keep him entertained etc, he seemed to take to me and everything was grand. However, any time we went out he was like a different child - would start screaming/shouting/crying for no reason. And I don't mean normal 5yr old bawling - he was doing it at a volume where no-one else in the room could be heard. It got to the stage where we couldn't go for lunch without him roaring the place down and everyone looking at us, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't exasperated at times.

Of course I realised this is how children can be at times, but when you're in a new-ish relationship and it's not your child, it's difficult to get through it. After about 2 months I also found out the mother was doing drugs (and keeping it from me as she knew I wasn't into that whole scene) and she had a lot of trust issues which resulted in arguments and rows, ones where I was made to feel like I had something wrong when I hadn't. Ordinarily I could work through that, but to be frank, I just didn't feel strongly enough for her to want to - and vice versa. So we ended it.

So I guess what I'm saying is, kids are hard work at the best of times. When you're in a relationship with someone else and they already have a child, it can work but it takes a bit more effort than usual with regard to time, the dynamics of the relationship, etc. And in my experience, you have to have very strong feelings for that person to make it work - anything less won't do.

Glenshane Pass

Personally I would, as above, have to be head over heals. In all honesty, it will probably drop your chances, but don't let it stop you. Get out there.

fungun

Depends on your age Id say also. Young people tend more towards idealism and see things more black and white and I think since its not ideal it will likely cause some men to run for the hills.
But over 30? Some men might be mature/responsible enough to handle it and not run...others might like it, gives you a child without the baby hassle!

Personally it wouldnt bother me - but maybe cos I have a child myself I understand the situation better! The thing that would frustrate me most actually would be if it meant the childs father was around a lot and still part of the 'family' so to speak.....esp if he was single, Id find that hard to deal with.

Faith

I'm female, but I thought I'd chip in with my perspective. Personally, I'd run a mile from a guy with kids because I'm not remotely ready to have a family yet. I'm looking at at least another 10 years before I'd consider children, and a guy who already has kids would rush me along. It's not just a new relationship, it's a whole family from day 1, and you suddenly have a kid to look after too.

Being honest, guys who aren't interested in a relationship with a single mum are probably put off because of the child, not because of you. You could be great, absolutely fantastic, but they're just not ready for a family. You have to be very aware that if you break up, the child is also affected, and that's a huge responsibility. It also creates a huge burden on the relationship from the get go, as the parent isn't going to be able to afford endless childcare, so dates are difficult to schedule and stick to. You'd probably go straight into a routine of sitting at home watching TV rather than being out in pubs, restaurants, where ever, socialising.

magneticimpulse

Lots of single women out there with no kids!! Im 29 and my friends 29+ dont have kids and we all single women. There are options to date someone without kids. Not everyone has had long term relationships, houses with ex's or kids. Some of us girls have been busy traveling and working on our careers that we dont have any bagage and ready for the dating scene.

I personally wouldnt go for a guy with a house with ex, kids or any sort of bagage as ive just not reached that stage in my life and therefore cannot relate to people who have. So there is no harm in being picky. It depends whether you like the person ultimately. You can always break your own rules if you meet a person that ya click with, if they happen to have kids etc....but then its also ok to not date people if they already have kids. Nobody forcing you, feel free to do whats right for you.

Unique User Name

Hi OP. I think it really depends on the guy. There are a lot of guys out there that would have no issue with it. Personally it would bother me because I really wouldn't want to bring up somebody elses kids. I'd also find it a big responsibility to take on but thats just me.

G-Money

I have to admit that I wouldn't want to date a woman with a child and mostly for the same reasons as mentioned in previous posts. You do have that thought in the back of your head "does she like me or is she just after a father for her child?" There's the added complications of trying to arrange dates and her needing to find a babysitter.

I'd also be wondering what the story is with the father. If he's still around how does that work? Is she going to go back to him at some point? But I think the biggest obstacle for me is even if things worked out between me and her and we had children, could I really treat her child the same as my own? At the moment, I don't know if I could do that. I think I'd always look at the child and realise it's not mine and therefore it's not my responsibility if it's misbehaving or whatever. I guess I'd also be conscious that I might treat it differently than my own children if I had any, even if the child had done nothing to deserve that. It wouldn't be malicious or intentional on my part, but I always wonder could I really look at their child the same as my own.

I'd like the option of a child at some point, but at the start of a relationship, I want time to get to know the girl. I sometimes feel like a child being on the scene complicates things and sort of rushes everything along as I think you'd be more likely to meet the child within a few weeks than you would the family if there was no child on the scene.

Never say never, but I tend to avoid women with children. There's nothing wrong with them, but it just adds more complications and baggage to the early part of a relationship than I'm currently willing to deal with.

LegacyUser

I'm the typcial single parent. Ive been on one date since my ex left. Ive not found that men run a mile at all and if they did well they wouldnt be the man for me.

But my ex is a horrilbe person and although he left he still makes my life difficult and I wouldnt want to bring that crap into a new relationship plus I want to wait until I'm totally over my ex before I try to meet someone else.

Now on the other hand I would be wary of men who have kids from a previous relationship. For example he may have already left one family in the lurch, I dont want him to do the same to me. I'm a firm believer in juding someone by their past behaviour. Now if he and the ex are great friends, its a different story altogether and I would def be interested in giving it a go. I would not give a minute of my time to any man who was a single parent that didnt see their child.

I do hope I will meet Mr Right one day but if I dont well I am happy as I am.

fungun

I guess the thing is you should get the info before making a decision? Sounds strange you would be wary of a man with kids when you have one yourself.
For example a woman may have left one family in the lurch too! Or the man may be looking after the child!

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

I guess the thing is you should get the info before making a decision? Sounds strange you would be wary of a man with kids when you have one yourself.
For example a woman may have left one family in the lurch too! Or the man may be looking after the child!

Exactly you need the info. It might sound strange but why would I want to get involved with a man who left some poor girl a single mother of his children. An example my ex is telling the world that he is the poor daddy that doesnt get to see his children. I offer him in writing more access but hey he does not even acknowlege me coz guess what? the world cup is on. So my ex is most certainly not Catch of the Century.

I know of course many women cause the breakup of a family too, but I guess a really horrible relationship with your ex (whether male or female) would certainly ring alarm bells

Before I became a mother I wouldnt have minded dating a man with children but most certainly not if he had done a runner on his previous family but then people dont often reveal that side of themselves to a new partner?

LighterGuy

Most men wouldnt date a woman with a kid/s - and I would be in that camp. Its just baggage you dont need. Its different if you yourself have a kid.

fungun

singlehappy - what i was really referring to was your comment : "I would be wary of men who have kids from a previous relationship. For example he may have already left one family in the lurch, I dont want him to do the same to me"

Surely you should at least give them the benefit of the doubt i.e. phrase that as "Id have no problem with it unless he had left his last family in the lurch"
Its like you are saying they have to prove themselves as opposed to getting the benefit of the doubt unless you know they have been lousy bfs

LegacyUser

lol fungun, thats actully what I meant. Ive already been tru hell and back and I guess I wouldnt want to be hooking up with a guy who had done the same to his ex. I reckon Im fairly careful now who I hook up with, but in fairness I havent really had a problem with men running the minute I say I have kids

I would find some men however see you as more of a bit of fun prospect than relationship material, I found that I have got a lot of offers of being someones bit of fun but that to me is an insult as its like im not good enough to be a girlfriend.

ash23

Dating with kids is harder than without. I've been single a couple of years and have a child.
I do find a lot of men will get involved with me and then when it gets to the point of getting serious, they'll back off mainly because of her.

It's irritating. I just wish they'd test the water somewhere else before deciding it's not for them.

However, I've see many of my single mother friends meet someone and get married.
Some men can get around it, some can't.

Btw, single parents also have reservations about people who are very keen on meeting the child. I'd be very wary of a man who was pushing to meet my daughter.

I've dated a few guys but none have ever met my daughter, I tend to keep my dating and family life separate.

Denimgirl

I dated a guy with a kid once and never again! his ex was always on the phone saying he's not well he's crying for you ,he won't settle unless your here! (the kid was 2 at the time) I would'nt put myself through it again, there was one time we were in watching a dvd and the ex called again saying that kid had a temprature and needed calpol i then told him get the calpol and stay over there it just was'nt working i run a mile if i hear a guy has a kid! i don't have any myself yet but i suppose if i did i would understand more but i don't at the moment so i don't think it works.It's like the guy is neverr a100% yours the ex is always in your life and he/she can control your day if she/he wants to!

LegacyUser

I dated a girl for some time with two children. I actually posted up here looking for advice at the time when I wanted to end it.

She was and still is an amazing girl. There is just no argument to that. I got into the relationship knowing of her situation with two childern from two different relationships.... Any man would look at that situation alone and run a mile but I got to know this girl and heard her story and understood.

I "thought" I could handle her situation and for nearly a year everything was fine. I had no interaction with the children whatsoever. They would be with their respective fathers on the weekends and that is when her and I would spend most of our time together..... I had obviously met them but never as "mummys BF".... I had the chance to get to know my ex with no interuption.... Just me and her. I thougt that would give me the chance to solidify our relationship before moving onto the next step of meeting her kids...

I come from a very religious family who would have stereotypical opinions on how a life should be led etc.... They also mean a lot to me.... When I told them of my situation and that of my ex GF their reaction was not one I expected but not one that suprised me either..... I retaliated though and knew that I couldnt let their opinion influence my relationship because the last thing anybody in life needs is their family controlling their relationship....

Over about six months though I saw the pain and distress it was causing them.... and it started to make me think....

My GF at the time was also pushing for me to be around more during the week and be introduced as Mammys BF.... i freaked.... I had two people waiting to look at me as a prospective partner to their mother... Did I want this ? Did I really want a ready made family ? I am only 28 afterall..... Would I be missing out on having my own kids if I commited fully and met these children in this capacity ?

I sat down one weekend and thought about me and my life and my job and my relationship and my friendships and pretty much everything I had in my life and tried to figure out exactly what I wanted from my life..... a ready made family was not it and despite the fact that I loved this girl as much as I did and indeed still do..... I wanted and still want a family of my own....

I broke up with this girl just over a month ago now.... I did the whole delete from face book and cut ties etc but I still love her so so much. She is a very special girl and she has two very lucky daughters....

I started this giving advice and I dont think I have acheived that.... but maybe my story might make you stop and think about what YOU want in life before you initate something that could hurt you and the other party ....

fungun

lol singlehappy - thats fine then, we are agreed

If I was to put myself in OPs shoes one of the problems is whats outlined a little above - the "digital" nature of having met the kids. Id be trying to keep partner away from my kids until it got to a certain point.....but once she had met them and say began staying over, id be really committed then and expect the same. So its almost as if you have to keep new partner at arms length until you were both committed fully...but yet its hard to know that while they are at arms length. Bit of a catch 22

LegacyUser

Thanks fungun :-)

Wow sameboat, thats some story, sad though that you love each other. Although I have to say the kids in this case have probably been messed about enough in their life and you made a very brave decison which is much better made before two children get really attached to you.

LegacyUser

But I am in my late 30s and tend to meet men my age or older. Often at this stage many men either have their own children, don't want them (and are avoiding women who want them)or have decided it doesn't matter because everyone has some baggage at this stage.

Unless I am asked specifically if I have children I don't say until the second date. Often first dates are last dates irrespective of child situation so it never is really an issue. There is only man who told me he had a problem with me having children but I was not very bothered because I had already decided there wasn't any chemistry.

I have a very good relationship with my ex and my children are very well behaved so that probably helps. I always make it clear my children do not need a father but their mother needs some companionship of an adult nature.

Your children are a part of who you are and chances are there are men out there will who will decide you are someone they want to spend time with because of who you are. There are also men who will decide you just aren't a good fit with them. Remember lots of relationships end or never get a chance to begin for lots of reasons, children or no children.

Be comfortable with who you are, and you're a responsible adult taking care of a child which is a very important job, and chances are you'll be dating soon. I felt very, very lonely immediately after separating but once I started dating I soon found my parental status wasn't quite the big piece of baggage I thought it would be. Having children made me fussier about who I might consider letting into my life (and theirs!) and as a result I am now in a relationship with a very nice man. It is serious and I have met his parents who despite some initial objections to our relationship after meeting me think their son is lucky to have me!

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, I completly understand why alot of the posters would not consider dating if there was baggage such as children. I'm not looking for a father for my child (they have one already) but I can see that guys might think thats what I'm looking for. Im late 20's so maybe men my own age would be less likely to take on baggage. Wouldnt let them meet my child (even as mums friend) until I was sure that there was some potential in the relationship. Dont want my kid to remember loads of "uncles" when their older lol!!

Not a problem for this mammy, glad you have found someone who you can share the adult part of yourself with. You seem to be balancing everything nicely!

Sameboat, thanks. I do appreciate what you're saying.

Denimgirl- OMG, did she want him back or what?? I wouldnt go on like that to my ex & I'd go banannas if he started that sh*te with me. Even as a parent I wouldnt put up with that cr*p.

Cheers