being an a**hole

LegacyUser

what do you do when you know you are a pr*ck?

when your ex girlfriend says to you " you destroyed the person i was, i can never get that person back and i can never forgive you for it"?

i haven't had a good night sleep in about 6 months, can't eat properly, can't face anybody, i actually hate myself. hate is a strong word but i HATE myself.

I AM A PR*CK

Silverfish

Okay, besides what your ex said, what makes you personally feel that way about yourself?

johanz

Ex'es say that often. Don't let her get you down, because that's what she's trying to do

LegacyUser

well, after at least 4 months of reflection i came to realise she was right. i am selfish, ignorant, lazy, untrusting, critical, mean, abusive, too intense, too serious, too jealous, too insecure... i am a pr*ck

i just can't get around it. no matter how hard i try i can't understand how i came to be this person and hate myself so much (although i have my theories, I can't blame anything/anybody else. I made all the decisions in my life) The fact she put up with it for so long is a reflection of how amazing a woman she is.

i tried to top myself twice before, last time was over 2 years ago, don't want to now and really regret trying. never told her i tried.

LegacyUser

Ok so you've admitted you didn't treat your ex girlfriend very well
that's a start..
you really shouldn't hate yourself though
everyone makes mistakes and once you try and learn from them
you are on the right track..
I think you should go and try talk to a counsellor about how you are feeling
they will be able to give you an honest an objective view and help
you work through it

Best of luck

Denimgirl

who broke up with who? and would you like to get back with her?

Esoteric_

You haven't told us what you DID to her that makes you abusive or any of the other things you called yourself, so we can't really tell you whether you're wrong or right.

Thing is though, if you're genuinely absuive in relationships, you need professional help.

If you're not abusive and just feel so down and depressed about everything (I would be inclined to think this because of the whole attempting suicide thing), then you need professional help.

So either way, seeking medical help could be good for you. If you've attempted suicide, there is obviously something wrong with how you perceive things, yourself, the world, etc and it's not right to think so negatively about yourself.

LegacyUser

@ denimgirl - I would give anything to have her back in my life. it wouldn't change how i feel about myself but i love her, if she is happier without me then i want that for her. i want her to be happy.

@ LyndaMcL - Obviously i wasn't abusive throughout the whole relationship, we wouldn't have lasted 5 years if i had been. i did flip one night and hit her about 3 years ago. it goes through my head every day. every single day i go over it in my head wishing i had done something different, walked away, anything. but from that moment on it was over. she can never forgive me i don't deserve forgiveness.

i was emotionally unbalanced, i put her through hell because i hated myself. she didn't deserve that, nobody deserves that. she is really beautiful and i could never get my head around the fact she was with me. i really ****ed up.

cheekyass

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. We've all made mistakes and we've all done things we regret. Whats important is what you do next...... how you redeem yourself I guess. If you genuinely feel that you've been a prick you could sincerely apologize to her....send her an email if your not in touch anymore. It mightn't make her want to be with you but its certainly a start. In my opinion it would be very hard to be with someone for 5 yrs and not care about them...... I'm sure she cares about you in some way.

You sound so unhappy.... identify what makes you happy and do these things, spend time with your family and friends, keep busy and get involved in whatever hobbies appeal to you. Get plenty of exercise and eat well.

Try not to beat yourself up, whatever happened its in the past. Leave it there and move on.....

Best of luck & take care of yourself

Esoteric_

Having been in a relationship where I was hit myself, I am pretty horrified at anybody hitting their partner, male or female, but you REALLY don't seem like one of those monsters that hurt their partners.

You sound like you were (and possibly still are) in a really bad place mentally and simply couldn't cope with the demands of a relationship. Been there, done that. I'm not gonna lie to you mate, I can completely understand why your ex would say those things to you because trying to support a person with such issues is really difficult. I tried it for a good few years and all it did was destroy me, so I can see where she's coming from.


The thing is, you have problems that are separate to your past relationship, which contributed to what happened in your relationship. You show genuine remorse and shame at what you did and while that's great (because if you didn't, you'd be a scumbag!), you need to talk to somebody about getting some help to let go of the past. Holding on to shame and guilt will never help you. It'll just drive you nuts. I REALLY think you should see a counsellor or something because you clearly need somebody to talk to so you can straighten out what's going on in your mind.

I don't know you, but you don't seem like the horrible person you describe yourself to be. You seem to me to be somebody that needs some help, not hatred.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies, it genuinely means a lot to hear what people think about it.

she broke up with me because i don't think she could really get over what had happened that night. it changed who i was, i got really clingy and controlling, maybe as a reaction to the fact she pulled away from the relationship. anyway she just couldn't deal with it/me any more.

she had told her friends too which i suppose might have been a factor in her decision, I'd say they encouraged her , but that's understandable, they really care about her. her mother knows about it as well. i'm sure she had some influence in her decision as well but it was really down to my actions.

i was seeing a counselor for about 2 months but she didn't really want to get into my past, which is what i need to do. I'm currently looking for one that will suit my needs.

I just can't stop hating myself. I've been drinking a lot lately which doesn't help, but it feels good at the time.

i told her i loved her and she said "what you did to me wasn't love" and she's right.

Denimgirl

Then why did she stay with you for 3 years afterwards?

LegacyUser

i have no idea denimgirl. i would love to know, she loved me i guess. but ever since it happened it was different. she pulled back and i became more clingy/controlling and eventually i smothered her.

she loves to go out a lot and goes to lots of sessions at the weekend and the fact all her friends knew about what happened i never wanted to go with them, i just couldn't look them in the eye and visa versa.

it came to a head one night when i asked her to to mine and she went out all night, i was pissed off and she just said enough is enough.

Esoteric_

Sometimes people stay in relationships even if they feel they're going nowhere, it sounds like your ex might have done that.

With regards to counselling, your previous counsellor was wrong to not want to go into your past. That's the whole point of counselling, to find the root cause of any problems you have and help talk them through to fix them. Have you thought of trying groups like Aware or Target? You can get group or one on one therapy through them, and they have good reputations.

It's great that you gave counselling a shot but unfortunately you met a counsellor who didn't suit your specific needs. This can happen at times but you have to pick yourself back up and find a new person, hard as it can be.

With regards to the drinking, I find myself drinking a lot more when I'm depressed too. Pretty nasty cycle to get into, mate. I know it "helps" for a while but wanna know what helps more? Exercise. I know when you feel depressed, you just wanna be a lazy sh!te, but exercise releases loads of endorphins (happy hormones) which calm you down and stuff. I use that now instead of drink or the other stupid things I did in the past and it really does help. It also boosts confidence because you see your body changing.

Your ex is right in that what you did wasn't love, it was bad. I believe that you love/d her though, but maybe you were so down and depressed that you simply didn't have enough room in your mind to show the love you felt.

LegacyUser

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Your ex is right in that what you did wasn't love, it was bad. I believe that you love/d her though, but maybe you were so down and depressed that you simply didn't have enough room in your mind to show the love you felt.

you nailed it on the head there... i do love her, but i don't know what to do with it now. i could never get my head around my own sh1t but she is gone now so i suppose it's move on time.

thanks for the replies Lynda, it mean more than you'll know

Esoteric_

You're welcome and if you need to talk or anything, feel free to PM me from your account if you have one. It's pretty crap to be stuck with nobody to talk to and I nearly destroyed my own relationship because of my issues, as well as having been in your ex's position in another, so I can somewhat feel your pain. Just focus on getting yourself better because that's the most important thing. When you're feeling better, you'll find it much easier to move on.