Won't come?

LegacyUser

Hi, I been with this guy for about 3 mths now. One thing he does thats driving me mad is he wont come when I give him oral or a handjob. Every time I get him close he stops me and asks for sex. If I dont give in he calls me a tease and gives me the cold shoulder.
I never had a problem like this before. I mean I'm definately not bad at oral/manual (everyone else I been with hasnt given complaints but this is shooting my confidence. I get the feeling he thinks theres something wrong with coming ouside a vagina which I find weird - thought all guys loved bjs? He does seem to be pretty religious, so I'm wondering if maybe that has something to do with it?

Ickle Magoo

I think it's less about religion and more about the guy being a controlling idiot. He's using emotional blackmail by calling you names/giving you the cold shoulder to ensure HE gets what HE wants, regardless of your feelings on the matter. Why would you want a boyfriend like that?

LegacyUser

I was really just wondering what people though the reason was. It does really irritate me that he keeps getting me to do these things, only to stop me and ask for sex. But I'm not really sure if he's trying to get past some sort of taboo that's been bred into him by strict Catholic parents, or if he's just being a twat. Believe me I've been very close to dumping him on a few occasions, but thought it would be bad not to try and figure out if it's something I can help him with.

Ickle Magoo

If it was just him really preferring to have sex then I'd say it could be something else tho probably nothing to do with religion but the fact he tries to coerce you, inferring you owe him sex by calling you a tease or being cold with you for having the gall not to think of what he wants and ignore your own wants is what makes him an idiot.

I also have to say, he doesn't "keep getting you to do" anything, unless physically forced you just cave in to the blackmail and coercion. You are even trying to dress it up as some kind of repression issue...you're facilitating his greed and selfishness. I can't think of anything anywhere, never mind catholicism that says having pre-marital sex is grand but you can't ejaculate to her mouth or hand.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I would get rid of him ASAP. The reason he does that is he's a controlling bully. If I asked my bf for head and he said no I wouldn't call him names and give him the cold shoulder, you know why? Because I respect him and I love him, I would never try to bully him to get what I want. Your partner sounds like a petulent 2 year old, get rid of him is my advice. You can defo do better than that.

Best of luck.

ted1

maybe he's just weird. sometime i prefer to be finished off by hand or indeed Orally.

Does he reciprocate? maybe you just with hold. when you do give in to demands, does he jack hammer away till he cums? or doe she actually take your needs into consideration?

peasant

Does he actually like bj's and handjobs, is he asking for them or do you just go ahead and do it anyway?



"Coming" isn't the be all and end all of sex ...maybe he'd rather "make love" than "be serviced" ?

Perhaps you need to talk.

LegacyUser

peasant wrote: »

"Coming" isn't the be all and end all of sex ...maybe he'd rather "make love" than "be serviced" ?

Perhaps you need to talk.

yep, totally agree. Could be he see's coming as a result of oral demeaning to you or selfish on his part and wants to give something back? Generally I love receiving (and giving) oral but I remember with one girlfriend in particular I used to get the odd notion that it wasn't fair on her, felt like I was demeaning her. Couldn't shake it off and haven't had it before or since but always preferred sex to oral as I thought she preferred that. Then again I loved her to bits so might have had something to do with it

the cold shoulder is a bit much though, seriously needs to grow up and stop acting like child who doesn't get his way!

littlefriend

peasant wrote: »

Does he actually like bj's and handjobs, is he asking for them or do you just go ahead and do it anyway?



"Coming" isn't the be all and end all of sex ...maybe he'd rather "make love" than "be serviced" ?

Perhaps you need to talk.

Yes but she says this " If I dont give in he calls me a tease and gives me the cold shoulder" which makes me think he's just an asshole. OP, you don't need to help him, maybe just finish with him - it doesn't sound like the makings of a wonderful relationship anyway

LegacyUser

"Coming" isn't the be all and end all of sex ...maybe he'd rather "make love" than "be serviced" ?

Now normally i'd agree with this, but if hes calling her a tease and giving her the cold shoulder if she doesn't give in and give him sex, well then hes behaving like a spoilt child throwing a tantrum, therefore i doubt hes mature enough to even grasp the concept of "making love".

But I'm not really sure if he's trying to get past some sort of taboo that's been bred into him by strict Catholic parents, or if he's just being a twat.

he's just being a twat

...this is your answer

peasant

qwjckjsfbkj wrote: »

therefore i doubt hes mature enough to even grasp the concept of "making love".

Just to put a different spin on this (emphasis is mine):

Aggravated wrote: »

Hi, I been with this guy for about 3 mths now. One thing he does thats driving me mad is he wont come when I give him oral or a handjob.

I'm not so shure that she is so wonderfully mature either.

Talking still sounds like a good option to me

Ickle Magoo

Something driving somebody mad is a turn of phrase it doesn't really tell you anything about the OP. Telling someone they are a tease unless they give in to penetrative sex and giving them the cold shoulder if they don't is something else entirely...tho I agree, the OP needs to speak up and voice her likes/dislikes/concerns/set some boundaries.

PK2008

A trick that some lads use (me) is to tell the girl that they arent really good at oral or that you're not really bothered with it cos no girl you've ever known has been any good at it.

Gives the girl a competitive type motivation to prove she's the best and do it a lot more. The guy could be doing it here?

Canluum

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think it's less about religion and more about the guy being a controlling idiot. He's using emotional blackmail by calling you names/giving you the cold shoulder to ensure HE gets what HE wants, regardless of your feelings on the matter. Why would you want a boyfriend like that?

If it was just him really preferring to have sex then I'd say it could be something else tho probably nothing to do with religion but the fact he tries to coerce you, inferring you owe him sex by calling you a tease or being cold with you for having the gall not to think of what he wants and ignore your own wants is what makes him an idiot.

I also have to say, he doesn't "keep getting you to do" anything, unless physically forced you just cave in to the blackmail and coercion. You are even trying to dress it up as some kind of repression issue...you're facilitating his greed and selfishness. I can't think of anything anywhere, never mind catholicism that says having pre-marital sex is grand but you can't ejaculate to her mouth or hand.

Good lord! I'm sorry but what kind of drivel are you spouting?


OP, personally there are only two ways I can climax, by my own influence or during coitus. It's quite possible from what you've said that he's the same. Now I do really enjoy oral and manual stimulation, but usually there's only so much of it I can take before I feel like I'm about to go crazy. So he probably feels a little embarrassed (like he'd be undermining you coupled with religious guilt) if he finished himself off (I don't possess such compunctions), hence the asking for sex. Now you can understand why he'd think you were teasing him if you refused. Simple no?


Also in terms of the whole cold shoulder thing. Blue-balls = biologically induced grumpiness, think of it like male pms (but with a cure).

fungun

another point of view that may be true to keep in mind - if he has been with one woman or single for a long time he may just have got into the habit of coming in a specific way...maybe he previously always came when an ex did sth specific to make him come during oral/hand.
If so he may actually be really embarrassed that he isnt coming and if he is normally a nice guy this may explain why he then acts like an asshole - he may not want any questions about it, is embarrassed/ashamed about it. As an example I had an ex who always made me come during oral by gently touching my testicles...after that it just took me a little while to come during oral without that, even though the next gf was still good at it....just took a little while to adapt!
If reln is new though, he might not feel comfortable talking about it...so Id say ask him if there is anything else he would like, or just to try different things and see what happens

Communication communication communication

fungun

oh one other thing - referring to your "Im definitely not bad at it"

I always laugh when I hear men boasting about sth like this - every woman is different and what makes a good lover IMO is trying things out & working out what the other person likes. So just cos all your exes may have liked sth doesnt mean he will like it that way. I had one ex who was a bit like this in that she thought she was really good at handjobs cos her exes loved what she did, but what she was doing i actually found a bit painful and used try to stop it when she started.
Its not just women who are different, guys are too!!!

LegacyUser

This is your answer right here, both your posts are dead on Fungun.

fungun wrote: »

another point of view that may be true to keep in mind - if he has been with one woman or single for a long time he may just have got into the habit of coming in a specific way...maybe he previously always came when an ex did sth specific to make him come during oral/hand.
If so he may actually be really embarrassed that he isnt coming and if he is normally a nice guy this may explain why he then acts like an asshole - he may not want any questions about it, is embarrassed/ashamed about it. As an example I had an ex who always made me come during oral by gently touching my testicles...after that it just took me a little while to come during oral without that, even though the next gf was still good at it....just took a little while to adapt!
If reln is new though, he might not feel comfortable talking about it...so Id say ask him if there is anything else he would like, or just to try different things and see what happens

Communication communication communication

I myself have a problem coming when my gf performs a bj or hj. I have no idea what causes this, but I have some ideas.

1) The guy is used to coming in a specific way, this can be from the way it feels during masturbation or sexual intercourse.

2) Coming inside or on another person is normally only seen in hardcore porn videos. The guy may consciously or subconsciously feel this is degrading to his partner and so will be unable to ejaculate.

3) It may hurt. Oral and manual stimulation can be a lot more painful to a guy. Penetration is soft and normally very lubricated. Teeth, nails and sometimes not enough lubrication can be a huge problem, the head of the penis is the most sensitive part of a guy's body. Being too fast, too rough and squeezing too hard can be extremely sore.

Anyway, that's my own personal idea on why guy's may not be able to come from a bj or hj. In regards to me, I really enjoy it when my gf performs it on me, it drives me crazy, only thing is I cannot come and this is really starting to do my head in. Both my gf and I want me to come, and as a result of me being unable to she has started doing it less and less. I personally love do give my gf oral, and would normally do it every time before having sex. The same problem sometimes also happens when having sex.

Your best bet is to talk to him about it, find out what he's thinking. In regards to him giving you the cold shoulder, maybe he's just ashamed that he can't come, maybe it really bothers him (I know I feel thew same way). And I don't know why people are saying he's a 'control idiot', really not sure where that's coming from.

So yea, talk to him. See what he's thinking and take it from there.