Reunion issues

MaryMagdalene

Hi looking for advice here.

As most of you regulars know I am in a reunion - met once - but now I think she is pulling away. I don't mind but just want to know where I stand and need honesty. I have asked if everything is okay and she says yes. She seems to want contact but is being very distant i.e. taking ages to reply to emails, being out when I had arranged to call. Nothing major but a definite shift. I also was intending telling my kids but now I don't know what to do. They are young so loads of time but I would prefer the sooner the better although that will open up a whole new can of worms with the inlaws etc :rolleyes: who are not aware of her existence.

I have no problem if she needed and asked for space but how am I to know? I can't get her on the phone to ask and not sure if its the type of thing to put in an email (although I have in roundabout ways and gotten nowhere).

Anyone, any ideas of what could be going on in her head and what I should do or should not do?

Ooh this reunion thingy is frustrating ........................ (but worth it )

OS119

MaryMagdalene wrote: »

Anyone, any ideas of what could be going on in her head and what I should do or should not do?

Hi, cliched - and astonishingly unhelpful to you - as it is, i think time, and space are the way forward.

i would imagine, from my own experience, that there are many, and conflicting, issues and emotions going on in the girls head - she may well be unsure about what result she was looking for and whether she has already acheived that, she may have concerns - like yours - about what expanding the relationship you have may have on the other relationships in her life, and she may have concerns about you: what you want from the relationship, and your commitment in terms of being a part of her life, rather than just 'making sure she's ok' and 'explaining the reasons why she was adopted'.

in my case, a feeling of being 'herded' to become involved - and one party having a belief (possibly fueled by the social worker involved) that this was an unstoppable process with one inevitable destination lead to the whole situation being badly handled by everyone but my parents and ultimately to a complete breakdown in the fledgling relationship.

no easy answers i would suggest, certainly nothing thats going to make anyone feel better - the whole reunion concept seems to me to be an unbridgable compromise between wanting time and space to digest new feelings and issues, and at the same time needing to know what the other parties want and think. i'm almost tempted to suggest an email saying 'i know its difficult - we could leave it for a few months and decide whether to pick-up again, or if you'd like we could have a chat about some of the issues that might have reared their heads...', but, tbh, i'm not sure - i'm not even sure there is a 'good' answer that has a better chance of working than not.

that said however, if you've not seen a change - any change - in the current state of affairs after another month or so you may as well give it a stab - you can't lose something you don't really have, and it might work...

kathy finn

hi mary, maybe u need to take a step back and give ur daughter time to get her head together. i know from my own reunion with my birthdad it took me a while to figure out how i wanted him to fit into my life.
my feelings where all over the place sometimes i felt really angry with him and on the other hand i felt sorry for him.
i think if u go full on at the start things can go wrong, i now speak on the phone to my birthdad maybe once every 2 weeks and might meet up once every 3 months and that suits me fine. when we met first we talked every day and saw each other a lot but i found this emotionally draining, give her time and her own space and be prepared for a few rants. good luck ..kathy

The_Conductor

Mary- Barnados do a very good reunion course where they explore the different emotions that the various people party to the reunion may be going through.

Its actually incredibly rare for both people to have a similar degree of enthusiasm- or indeed to have similar hopes or wants in a reunion. Also- as you meetup and some initial questions or curiosities are satisfied- when some people may initially have come across as incredibly enthusiastic initially- perhaps they assume that there isn't a lot of work involved in maintaining their new relationship with their parent or child.

Its a bit of a generalisation- but normally a search has been initiated by either an adopted person or a birthmum- and normally the person who initiated the search has invested a lot more emotion in the search- the person who has been found may not appreciate the time and emotion the other person has vested in finding them?

I'd really recommend the Barnados course- if you can get a place on it- ideally I'd try to get your daughter to attend too- to get a grasp of where you're coming from- but obviously this is outside of your control.

Hugs-

Shane