BF's feelings?

iwantopinion

Hi all,

I'm really looking for some advice, have been with bf for 10 years, 2 kids, house etc... Relationship v strained at mo, and if honest has been for quite a while. I have spoken to him about this and was completley honest about my feelings ( that I feel v unloved, spark gone ), and that I have been secretly wishing he would cheat on me so that we could have a reason to break up. I also said our situation was making me want to be with someone else just to see if I am still attractive?? I got virtually no response from him, he doesn't see where the problem is? That was now a week ago and we have barely spoken since. I have clearly stated my feelings and am hoping for him to discuss this at some stage with me? My gut instinct is telling me he knows its over with us but does not want to admit it as it would upset kids. I honestly don't know what to do?? Take the lead and talk, (again) or just ask him to leave?
BTW, everything I have just said I have said to him (and more).

Any advice greatly appreciated,

seenitall

Since your bf doesn't seem to care about you and your feelings even only so far as to communicate responsibly, your relationship is showing all the signs of being over. Kaputt. Done for. Gone.

Since it is clear your boyfriend is the type who is in no danger of changing anything in his life unless it is a TV channel, and unless you want to carry on living a life of loneliness and misery, it is you who will have to take steps toward a better future for everyone concerned.

I am sorry, OP. You have a difficult road ahead of you.

I wish you all the best with it.

Denimgirl

iwantopinion wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm really looking for some advice, have been with bf for 10 years, 2 kids, house etc... Relationship v strained at mo, and if honest has been for quite a while. I have spoken to him about this and was completley honest about my feelings ( that I feel v unloved, spark gone ), and that I have been secretly wishing he would cheat on me so that we could have a reason to break up. I also said our situation was making me want to be with someone else just to see if I am still attractive?? I got virtually no response from him, he doesn't see where the problem is? That was now a week ago and we have barely spoken since. I have clearly stated my feelings and am hoping for him to discuss this at some stage with me? My gut instinct is telling me he knows its over with us but does not want to admit it as it would upset kids. I honestly don't know what to do?? Take the lead and talk, (again) or just ask him to leave?
BTW, everything I have just said I have said to him (and more).

Any advice greatly appreciated,

I would'nt jump too quick if I where you,It's not all fun and games being single either!you may realise that the grass is not greener on the otherside!!I'm not saying stay with someone your not happy with incase of lonliness but you have a lot of history together and 2 kiddies to think of, are they not worth even trying to get back on track for?why don't you go to counselling or something? as long as he's not violent or no substance abuse going on,if it's just boredom why don't ye give it another try?

iwantopinion

thanks, both statements are what I am arguing with myself about all the time. The thing is I just feel like I am the one carrying him through the relationship, I feel like a single mother with two kids and some bloke that lives in my house?? I know I would miss him if we broke up and I would always blame myself for splitting up the family. I think I'm just going to have to either put up or shut up??!

LegacyUser

iwantopinion wrote: »

I think I'm just going to have to either put up or shut up??!

He's either still shocked by what you said and doesn't know how to react.
Or he doesn't care.

Definitely try talking again. Give him a chance to try working harder at the relationship.
If he doesn't, then end it.
At least you can end on fairly ok terms.
Rather than as you said, you resort to cheating, then thinks will end in nastyness and that will be terrible for the kids, you, him.

He either loves you and is prepared to fight for you and change. When you talk, tell him you still love him (do you) and you want thinks to get better and what you want to happen.
Do not cheat, walk away with your head held high, it will be tough. But make the future much easier and you will still have your self respect.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I'm in a kind of similar but different situation. I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years and we get along great still but about five weeks ago she brought up that she is having doubts about us and i thought she was going to end it. It has really kicked me into gear and made me realise that i have been too complacent in the relationship. I never fully committed to her and always fobbed off marriage etc and was just happy out being with her and not committing to our future together. Since she brought it up my world has kind of been rocked as i realised t hat i could potentially loose her, something i arrogantly thought was not possible before. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the realisation that it could be over between us and i could loose the love of my life has really opened my eyes and made me think about things completely differently.

Her doubts stemmed form the fact that i wouldn't commit to her and wanted to go away for a couple months traveling with some friends. Basically i don't know what i was thinking or how i became so complacent but my point is that if he realises that he could potentially loose you, that you are serious, it might be the wake up call he needs for him to work on you guys and make the effort. He may be in shock about it and that is why he is not talked about it. Maybe let him know you are dead serious, that if things don't change you are gone. If he wants to be with you this will make him realise that he can't just ignore it, he has to deal with the issue at hand. Both of you will have to work on it, it will take two to reignite that spark. You seem however to be trying to deal with this while his head is in the sand. He may think you are just saying it but not serious, that you won't actually leave him. If he does realise that you are about to walk, and he does want to be with you, it should kick his ass in to gear to make the effort for you guys. Hope that helps.

Denimgirl

iwantopinion wrote: »

thanks, both statements are what I am arguing with myself about all the time. The thing is I just feel like I am the one carrying him through the relationship, I feel like a single mother with two kids and some bloke that lives in my house?? I know I would miss him if we broke up and I would always blame myself for splitting up the family. I think I'm just going to have to either put up or shut up??!

Well tell him exactly how you feel and see what he says he may make more of an effort to change his ways and do things as a family and pull his weight

LegacyUser

Hi OP, another blokes perspective here. Similar situation a couple of years back except no kids and not tied into a house together. In other words a lot easier to make the break.

My fiancée (at the time) had brought up that she was having some doubts, didn't say anything as extreme as she wanted to end it, want me to cheat on her etc, just that she wasn't sure of my commitment to her, natural enough in the lead up to a wedding or so I thought.

Unfortunately for me I didn't realise the extent of how worried she was at the time and just told her not to worry, everything was alright. At the time we were severely under pressure money wise, had a wedding we had been planning for two years four months down the line and I'd recently been made redundant. It was a low point in our relationship, but compared to some couples problems didn't seem that bad.

Anyway because of the stress we were under financially I didn't really listen, thought we had bigger problems. In my head we were grand, I knew I loved her to bits and really thought she understood this.

I finally understood how much it had built up in her when I arrived home one day from work (just two weeks after getting a job and when I thought things were finally looking up for us) to find her gone as well as most of her stuff. She'd finally convinced herself that I didn't love her so had moved home the other side of the country. I was and am still heartbroken, and at this stage I'm resigned to always having that ache.

Over two years later and I still think about her all the time, and I know from the odd text she's the same.

All I'm saying OP is if you still love him and think it's worth it just make damn sure he realises what is at stake before you make the decision to end it, and be satisfied you've done everything you could within reason to work it out. My ex didn't do that, and she has said over and over since then that she wishes she had explained exactly how she felt before leaving. My biggest regret and one I will always have is I didn't listen, her's is that she couldn't communicate how important it was that I did. Such a waste.

Best of luck

iwantopinion

I am going to speak to him in the next few days hpf we can do this away from kids/house etc... I know he thinks I am not fully serious, but I really am. I think the best thing is for him to leave for a while and give us both a chance to re-evaluate our relationship. I really appreciate male perspective, so hard to know whats going inside your heads!!

LegacyUser

iwantopinion wrote: »

I am going to speak to him in the next few days hpf we can do this away from kids/house etc... I know he thinks I am not fully serious, but I really am. I think the best thing is for him to leave for a while and give us both a chance to re-evaluate our relationship. I really appreciate male perspective, so hard to know whats going inside your heads!!

Just remember OP that goes both ways, and we are generally not that good at picking up on hints, need to hit us with a billboard at times

Best of luck, hope it works out for you

fungun

Have you tried having the same chat but with a positive outlook? And really control what you say and think about what you mean. Just the language you used in your post is all very negative and kind of seems to me you are looking to justify your decision as opposed to you wanting to actually fix the problem....Im not sure how I would respond to your above post either...would leave me feeling there is nothing I can do

For example do you really want to be with someone else to prove you are attractive? Or do you actually want him to show you he still finds you desirable? If its the latter, then tell him how you feel and suggest 'dates' or some form of getting your relationship back where it needs to be. But actually come up with positive solutions for each of the issues and ask him to think of the same.

But Id make it clear to him that you want to fix the issue as a couple (if that is the case) but are not prepared to go on like this unless he is willing to put some effort in to fix the problems.

iwantopinion

For example do you really want to be with someone else to prove you are attractive? Or do you actually want him to show you he still finds you desirable? If its the latter, then tell him how you feel and suggest 'dates' or some form of getting your relationship back where it needs to be. But actually come up with positive solutions for each of the issues and ask him to think of the same.

.

Like I have said in my op things have been like this for quite a while, however it is only when I adress it that things change for usually about 2 weeks and then we are back to square one.

I know relationships need work I am not expecting him to magically transform into my prince charming before my eyes!!, it just gets a bit disheartening when you feel like you are begging your partner to spend any sort of quality time with you??

Honestly when we are getting a bit fed up with family life and need some time out it is ALWAYS me who suggests date nites and I will try suggest new things for us to do (in a positive way). The usual response is 'yeh ok' but then it is basically left for me to organise.

I don't mean to sound like I am justifying it, I do love him, I just wish it wasn't so hard for him to show me he feels the same way sometimes.